Feelings are not truth, WW26. You are not evil if you refuse to be abused. It is evil to abuse your spouse; it is not evil to reject abuse. Please follow Fred's advice and put this man out. Stop allowing him to abuse you.

So I finally got up the strength and nerve to do it.

But now I feel like something is missing, like I have lost something and I feel empty and a little lost. I have been functioning okay from day to day life, I get up at a decent time, eat 4-6 small clean meals, workout on a regular basis, studying for exam on a daily basis.

But I have been a little more negative lately. I have been a little more prone to crying. But nothing so bad that I am missing work or incapable of going out and meeting friends. How long does this last?

How do I get through this initial period? I feel terrible as a FWW. I did all this and this is the reason I am in this situation feeling alone and a bit lost.

It's time to cut the ties and stop him from using you any further. It is pure abuse and no one deserves it. You need to stop feeling sorry for him eventhough I know it is hard but he's not making any changes. let go! it is ok and you will be ok also.Good luck

Thanks. It is hard working through it. I am trying to deal with it.

He emailed me that since D-day he has not had a day go by where he wanted to end it. That recently, his independent behaviour that got to me he was starting to feel good and now I pulled the rug from under him again. It hurts to know that he felt that way. But at the same time every one is right, it was not healthy to live on like this for either of us.

I just need to learn to let go, move on. I made mistakes, I tried to fix it and it did not work. Recovery can be jump started by one person but requires both people to reach the top of the hill. I know I gave him the right to walk away, and I did not accept this for so long.

Any tips on how to move on and live a normal life? This is the first time in my life that I have been truly on my own, knowing that I am not coming home to anyone or that someone is coming home to me. I moved from my parents place to living with STBX. Another thing I have learned, living together did help us develop bad habits that we did not change.

Yes, it is. Think of it this way: if you get a blister, a pimple or a lump of cancer, which is better, a quick incision to get it out, or do nothing and let the infection fester?

The healing begins immediately after the problem has been removed. It begins to get better every day, rather than lie malignant for an unknown period of time.

If you wrote a Plan B letter, he KNOWS how to remedy the problem. Until he does so, you should not be reading any emails from him, taking any phone calls or accepting any text messages. He is merely trying to get you to weaken your resolve.

Start doing things for yourself, things that you maybe always wanted to do but could not or would not because STBX wasn't cooperating. Take a photography class. Learn to play a musical instrument. Become a church volunteer. Grow a vegetable garden. Make and sell handicrafts; there are countless ways you can start doing things for YOU and BEING YOU.

You see, recovery is all about YOU. Marriage Builders can help recover and build strong marriages, but not without YOU being the best YOU you can be. So, even if a marriage isn't recovered, YOU have been!

I am soo proud of you, young lady! You did the right thing for him and for YOU. Enabling his terrible behavior was just helping him be a bad man. You did everything in your power, WW27, to make this right. And his response to abuse you.


In other words, it made him feel good to hurt you. Can't do much with that kind of attitude. Please hang in there, you absolutely did the right thing!

Thanks for the support. Sometimes it is fine, sometimes I feel terrible. But with this time, I have come to know that I have been dealing with a passive aggressive person. I have dealt with it since our first year living together and I am sad for the pain I inflicted on him but glad to not be dealing with the passive aggressive behaviour.

It had been so stressful the last few months and I really thought I was losing my sanity....Now I will have to work hard to move forward and learn from my mistakes.

Faith1010, your post has been moved to the Surviving an Affair forum to it's own thread here.

Omg I was out tonight and caught him making out with another girl. I was doing okay until now:( I hate small towns.

Karma bus...weeks before I knew he was spending time with this girl.

Well it turns out the reason he has been happy is because of her. What can I do, really nothing. He has been seeing her for a few weeks now. It really hurt seeing them together that night, but it has allowed me to understand that it is truly over and he will never come back to me.

The relationship was over and I chose to cling onto the last bit for a long time. He made it clear of his intentions of us being just friends and that even though we were married on paper, it no longer meant anything.

He is sorry that I am hurt, but that we both need to move on. That is true. I have accepted that we are not a couple, he has not been in love with me for a while and I could not save the marriage from the damage I did to it.

Every day is a new day, I will continue down the path of personal recovery.

Some days can be hard as he is not in the apartment for me to talk to, he is not there when I go to bed or wake up. He was my first boyfriend, he was there for me since I was 19. It will take time to heal and for me to embrace my new life. The discovery sucked but it opened up my eyes, and it is nothing compared to what he discovered a year ago....

Not surprising at all that there was OW involved in this. So glad you took steps to get him out of your apartment. Plan B him and heal yourself.

WW27, I am so sorry. But I am relieved you got him out and that you know the truth. He was sucking you dry. With him out, you will start feeling so much better in a couple of weeks. His abuse has gone on for a long time.

It hurt, not what I wanted. But it is life, deal with it. The relationship was over, I tried to save it and could not. Nothing more I can do now, he chose to move on and he feels better about it. It sucked that we could not move forward together. But I chose my actions a year ago and these are the unintended consequences. Every day is a new day.
It is okay I am alone now. Sure I miss him. Sure it can get lonely. But it is better than being hurt every day a little bit at a time. Especially knowing now that he is dating someone who makes him happy. I could not make him happy anymore. It was sad, he told me that while she makes him happy he does not think any other woman can make him as happy as I once did:( I broke it...
At the same time, I have to accept what is done is done. I cannot go back and change. Right now, look forward, and ensure that I do not make the same mistakes twice.
I have not had a huge crying episode since this weekend. He actually came over to "help" me deal with it. I feel like I lost something important but in the long run this is the best step.
I hope the feelings will pass one day soon...I still want him back but I know it is not possible:(

WW27, please go into Plan B and shut that door. If you do, I promise you will feel better much faster. Your H has mistreated you for as long as I have known you on this forum. You have become accustomed to being mistreated. Once you have a break from that and detach from your husband, you will feel better. You will look back in shock and wonder at how you could miss someone who treated you so badly.

And I want to remind you that your husband even encouraged you to have an affair. He basically told you he didn't care. And when you followed through and did it [dumb for sure] he used it against you every day.

That is not a loving marriage, my friend. That is mental abuse. He mistreated you. That is not love. You deserve so much better.

Hi ML,

I am now in Plan B as of yesterday. No emails, text messages or meeting him. I feel empty yet a sense of relief like I know where I stand and what is going on in my life, no more limbo and I am no longer focused on martial recovery but rather my own recovery.

I unfortunately will not get the divorce papers until spring. He will not sign it until then. So I will have some contact with him in the future as we both have to go the courts in this country together. But we both agreed if we can keep no contact it would be best and of course no more sex.

I know he mistreated me at times and I have to stop ignoring all the times he occurred. I keep thinking back to only the good memories when we did not have problems and pre-affair as well. I read into all his good and kind actions pre/post affair and ignored the actions that hurt me.

Right now I get this overwhelming and unfounded fear I will be alone forever and I can never find anyone again because I messed up my only chance. But I know that too will pass, maybe it's my clock kicking in lol. But I am avoiding all men as much as possible as well. I need to heal, I do not need another relationship right now.

One day at a time, have the courage to live the life you have been given not the one you dreamed of....

Do you have some support from your mother?

I have some support from my mother. It is more like thank god he is out of your life now focus on getting a good job and a better degree. I am studying for my LSAT and plan to write it February.

Initial plans were to stay in this country on my own and save money. But I am from Canada and where I am from and with my skills, I should be able to find a job in no time. According to everyone, the job market is hot, my skills pay well, so maybe next spring head back home.

Most important thing, score well on the exam. Have two plans in place, if I decide to stay in this country and if I decide to go home. Sign up for some online classes to upgrade my GPA. Work on my resume and cover letters for going back home.

I have to say, today went by and it felt good. I was not upset I went to bed alone and woke up alone. It felt a little empty but not upsetting. I guess I have been crying so much in the past over my mistakes, over nothing changing and everything else that I am mostly okay.

I am a bit lonely at times as I have no one to chat to in the evenings but that will pass. I am making friends and they are keeping me company in person or online from back home or other cities when I am not busy studying:)

But after all of this it really is over, I am happy and sad. But I am now able to move on.

It might be tough now, but because of what you did, your future is bright. Your future with him was not bright. It was misery.

Thanks ML. I hope he will be happy forever and I do wish him the best as hard as it may be on me at times.

I think by the end of the relationship we brought out the worst in each other. That is not what a relationship should be about.

And I know after doing snooping, he himself would be unable to follow all the marriage builder concepts. He himself told me that there were things he believed did not need to be changed and that he did not agree with the concepts. I was hoping he would change, but it was I that needed to change and open up my eyes.

Well, one day at a time. I am feeling mostly better than I expected. I thought there would be depression and a lot of crying but has not really happened, which is good of course.