It isn't easy. It will probably be the hardest thing you've ever done. But you CAN do it. And you will feel better once it is done. You must have some mental relief...

confused, CALM DOWN. It's clear from your one- and two-sentence postings that you are PANICKING. STOP IT.

Let the cheating [censored] leave. Let him see what it's like without you. Why do you think he's stayed with you? Because you've been supplying the bulk of his needs. My money is on his return within 48 hours. And I suspect it will be less than that. You need to be ready when he returns.

You need to get a plan and go forward with it, WITHOUT PANIC.

First of all, stop throwing your money away on that lame-brain therapist! He probably decided to become a therapist because he couldn't pass his CPA exam.

Next: EXPOSE THEM AT THEIR JOB.

Expect him to flip out. You've just turned the light on in the crack house. And addicts just hate to have the light of reality shining on them.

STAY CALM. Tell him what he needs to do to earn the right to return to you.

You are lashing out at the very people who have given you the best possible advice you can get. Act on it. We know where you are because we have been there and have come out on the other side.

You don't feel bad because of us.

You feel bad because of what your husband is doing to you.

There is a huge, giant, gaping, as wide as the Grand Canyon differemce.

AS an aside?

I had a therapist tell me that my husband's mistress was probably a better match for him than I was. She was super duper helpful.

I wouldn't put too much stock in a traditional therapist. My experiences have taught me that it's the methods on here that get the job done.

Ok I told everyone I can think of and asked for help. His mom dad cousins friends brother

He's packing bc I calmly sat here and said "I want my marriage. If you want this marriage-which means only me...then you have to quit your job #1"

He said he can't decide and so I said then you have to pack. So he is.

I'm trying to send the letter. I am. I'm trying. Right now.

I'm going to keep calling people. I have toget my kids. He asked to say bye and tell them hes going on a trip...so he will be headed out when I get home. Is that ok?

I am panicking. Still. Im trying. I kept from crying while he was here. Tears welling yes. But I breathed

Here is one thing to read, you might have heard some of these last year.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2549782#Post2549782

Tell the children the truth before he gets to them.

Let them know that you will do your very best to save their family.

He's asking you to be a liar to your children. Absolutely not! How old are they? If they are over the age of 4 you should explain to them in age-appropriate language that daddy and a woman at work have been doing things that only married people should do, and that it is wrong for daddy to do that with anyone but mommy. Don't lie to your children!

confused, before you send any letter to anyone, post it here. We've got to get you settled down, girl. We'll read it and help you write it so you can get the best bang for the buck.

And you've got to slow down - yes, this exposure has to happen, but you've got to do this when your emotions have steadied enough to not sound like a lunatic wife going off half-cocked. Take the time to post the letter here - that will help you get your thoughts ordered.

I know I seem to be asking a lot of you right now, but you've got to muster up some spine, here. I think you've got it in you or I wouldn't waste my time on your thread.

Your next job on your list is to show us your exposure letter. Post it and we'll talk further.

Good for you in exposing and laying down the law on what you expect! We all know how hard this is to do because we have been where you are. Your heart is pounding, hands shaking and you cant breathe, your guts are being used as a doormat - yet you have to get the job done and stand up for your marriage.

You are getting the best advice on here by the way - the most experienced vets without whom I would still be sobbing each night while being actively cheated on.

Have you exposed to everyone? Dont forget their job and OWs family/spouse/facebook friends. Have you done ALL this exposure?

Do it before they can spin you as a jealous spouse who is talking crazy. Exposure is ideally done to everyone in the same day so they have no chance to prevent it or turn people against you.

Good luck and godspeed!

I do too. Yes please post your exposure letter here. My first draft was a horror and I write for a living! The cool heads on here have it whittled down to a fine art though.

Ah, I see now that MelodyLane has already given you the exposure letter for their employer. Get your names in there and get those out.

Hi there and welcome to your safe place, you are doing a great job getting control of this situation, your marriage can be saved with a good solid plan MelodyLane is the best and so far you have followed her advice.
In the meantime read all you can about this site and educate yourself with what your husband will say to you, they all say the same things, it's like they have a script, just keep repeating you want to save your marriage and you are doing what you have to so that can happen......
one day at a time here..........time takes care of the stress......right now you have to stay strong .....and firm but in a calm controlled kind of way...
talk to you soon.

Ok he left. He just told them he has to go. 18months and just turned 5. <kids

I've told all the family I can as calm as possible. He took all his guns to his dads. He went to his cousins w his brother...and now hes going to talk to his mom.(hearing through his brother)

His brother and my sil are here.

I didn't send the letter. I'm scared but I need to I know. And I need to work on fb for her.

Be strong . You are doing great.

And his behavior tonight should show you that he had no intention of ending this affair on his own. He would have been torturing you.

So good for you. You are taking control of your own life .

And a man who walks out on his babies is a man so deep in the fog that they need this kind of action on your part to yank him out.

Amen to that!

Send the letters, all of them.

It is nessesary to snap him back into reality.

Im having an awful time. I'm so upset I want to call him. I'm trying to be strong. His mom is very supportive as is his brother and my sil. Brother andmsil where here until late.

Theynsay they don't know who he is. Can't see him when they look in his eyes. I'm so afraid this means he won't come back. It hurts so bad.

Most of the rest of the family say they support me not him and they will talk to him and "see where his head is". People seemed uncomforatable to get involved. 1 cousin told me it would do more harm telling then aunts because they will bug him and push him more away.

The cousin whose house he went to is ignoring me. I said "I know your response to me was "your on your own" but can you just tell me of he's safe?" no reply. Husband took allmhis guns which scares me.

Im sorry for typos. I'm on the iPad...he took his laptop.

I need to do her friends list tomorrow. What now?

I'm trembling and terrified. So scared. I don't even know how to move...I'm so confused.

I hope he comes back

His mom says he is planning to stop by and see the girls tomorrow. Maybe talk to me. What do I do?

Maybe it doesn't look like it is having an effect on him, but it is. How would you feel if you had a nice new boyfriend and your family started bugging you to lose him? You would probably fall out of cloud 7 (or was it 9?).

O, the reality of it is coming crashing down on him allright. You are not the only one who is majorly stressed out right now. He is too, I can assure you that. As long as he is with his cousin, I suppose the cousin will keep him from doing dumb things.

Look, you know him best. If he lost it, you cannot let him see the girls without someone present. And you certainly want to make sure that he doesn't bring any guns. It is not typical for a man to commit suicide/murder if he gets to choose between his wife and his lover. It yould be more typical if wife doesn't want reconcilliation and he is left with nothing. But I would be a bit worried too, just in case. Better safe than sorry.

I know that many people do not want to get involved, because it requires them to do things that they find difficult. That doesn't mean they don't see your point though. Be glad that his family is trying to talk some sense into him. Many families tell him to do whatever makes him happy.

If his family is behind you, maybe you could meet in their presence? (if you do, make sure you do not love bust - after all they are his family - and calmly tell him what it takes for your marriage and family to heal.

God bless you, and your brave actions. You have really stood up for your family.

Happyheart

Neak posted you her list - what she required for reconciliation. Maybe you want to read it before speaking with your husband.

OK, calm down! I was in EXACTLY the same position as you in July, and also have 2 DD, 5 and 18 months. The same emotional state of hurt and stress. Right now I'm in the best place i could ever be! Somehow I think I got the better end of the deal

It is very nerving to expose, but realize, that the anger only comes from people who are at fault and got caught. My OWs threatened to sue me for libel/harassment, that was really funny. Providing me with free evidence? Go right ahead, make my day!

Exposure turns the table. You have been suffering in silence and the emotional abuse of the affair, probably accompanied by verbal abuse (my WH was an absolute AZZ to our 5 year old for as long as he was in the affairs and I decided then, without knowing about the affairs, that for my daughters sake, I needed to end the marriage).

All of a sudden you find that there are a bunch of people who support you. There will be some people who don't, but it shortly will become very clear that those people are often in active affairs themselves . From the victim, you turn into the person in charge of your own future. I can't remember how many times I've heard 'good for you for telling'!

You need to empower yourself for your children. It sucks BIG time at first, but no matter how bad it was then (and I received death threads), I would do it over and over and over and over and over again. Had I known then what I know now, I would have been more confident about it too.

It may not safe your marriage, but in the end, it will safe your sanity and emotional wellbeing.

I made it through because of the support here. When I doubted, they set me straight, when I was sad, they comforted me. In the end, I now have a good life, and they are still in the gutter. He who laughs last, laughs best! So listen to the advice given and welcome the support. YOU will end up on the better side of it, and that is what your girls need, whether it is with a RECOVERED marriage or not, they need a RECOVERED mother.