O, and DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT AND DOCUMENT EVERYTHING

even if you think now that it is not important, write it down. Write it down in a calender, print everything so you have a hard copy, and put it in a safe place

Paper doesn't forget, but you are stressed and your mind may forget lots of stuff. Paper doesn't lie and doesn't forget. And the more you have, the more the courts and other people are going to be on your side.

So let me repeat

DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,

Remember that a wayward can not tell the truth, so you must tell the truth and only the truth, don't let yourself be discredited.

Lies can not be backed up by evidence, the truth always can, so make sure you have the evidence. By making sure you have the evidence and providing it to the right people at the right time, the world of the wayward will crumble. They become outcasts, they are going to claim you are emotionally unstable, but by providing the documented truth, the tables turn on them. Eventually they have to live with themselves.

AND

ALL waywards at some point throw each other in front of the bus. It is going to happen. WH essentially provided me with all the evidence for my 'alienation of affection' lawsuit.

AGAIN

DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT,

I'm not saying you are heading for divorce, but in case that is happening, YOU need to make sure you get the best deal and are protected for your girls. And by documenting you are empowering you, for what ever may come in your future! Do not let some piece of trash destroy your life!

No matter what consequences, no matter what fallout, no matter how many days you go without hearing from him,

it is not your fault.

You are worth more than he was giving you. You are worth more to be emotionally abused and gaslighted. More than one BW has been driven to the brink of suicide by allowing themselves to remain too long in the middle of their WH's active A. You not only have yourself, but your girls to think about.

Be strong. Do not back down until he is totally on board with NC and recovery. Otherwise you are teaching those lovely little girls that it's ok to let their future boyfriends and husbands treat them like this, and without consequences.

If you are at all worried about his mental state with the guns, do not allow him to see the girls unsupervised. Maybe your parents would agree to be there. You need to see to their safety.

WH? He is in God's capable hands.

His brother and mom are on my side 100 percent. The cousin he is staying w....well he said "your on your own" which of course I feel crappy. His other cousins agreed to talk w him... They didn't say what they would say though.

His mom told me he won't leave his job, but apparently he sugarcoated the affair. When my bil started giving her the details she said if he leaves me for her, she might cut him off. I doubt she would but maybe for a bit.

His brother had to hold me uncontrollably sobbing most of the night. It was really hard for him.I'm just terrified.

I told his bro that if he wants to clear his head (Wh) then that's fine,but it won't happen at work bc she is there. He keeps saying he loves me so much, thinks he has a sex addiction, and isn't sure why he did what he did. His job is also his dream...so I'm asking him tomgive that up. It really is his dream. It's his hobby and I'm asking him to walk away. I know I have to. It was really hard for me to set down as an ultimatum so to speak. I just did t expect him to leave so easy...and I thought he'd be back last night.

So do I just sit and wait now? Do I contact him?

I don't ever ever think he'd put us in danger...it was weird he took the guns. His brother saud maybe he was afraid I'd do something bc I was so depressed before. Anyway his brother has the guns. I'm afraid he will go racing in a canyon and get hurt.

And his cousin who he is with wouldn't even reply and say "yes he's here" so I feel like that cousin is not in support.

His dad is also a philanderer and said "I told you not to marry a girl bc she got herself pregnant"....only positive is he hates his dad. Bc he saw this w his mom.

I haven't slept or ate. Everything hurts. Every minute of waiting is killing me. I hate this

Well he doesn't have to leave his job if she does...

I sure hope his dream job is worth so much to him, that he is willing to lose his wife, lose his kids, lose his house, lose money on alimoney, lose money on child support, lose money because of two separate households, and go through all the hassle of co-parenting with someone who dislikes you (because you will if he leaves).

Hope his job is worth it.
Also, if he had valued his job that much, he should have not had an affair there. Period.
You are worth a husband who loves you and only you.
And yes, it is possible to have a better marriage where the two of you are romantically in love. But this is only going to happen if he has no contact with her.

Don't cave in, unless you want a husband who has no respect for you and sleeps around as he wants.

Good luck, Happyheart

In the mean time, you do something for yourself. Make your hair, put on make-up. Take care of your children.

Try not to look too bad, because you want him to think of you as the better option (I know you are. And I know you shouldn't have to think about that right now, but you will feel better if your hair looks good ;-)

confusedandtorn. Hang in there. You are doing great. Don't expect a wayward to turn around immediately. It takes time for the reality to sink in. Your WH will probably try every trick in the book to get you to back down. The good thing here is that YOU have a PLAN. WH doesn't.

Continue with the exposure. Look at the support that you now have from his family after you brought this ugly A into the light of day. Did you send that letter that Mel gave you for work exposure? That is crucial to killing the A.

Your WH will not turn around until the A is dead.

Stay strong, look good, smell nice. Hugs.

Don't wait, you are the source of their anger right now. Funny thing is that waywards get mad at the truth, forgetting it is themselves who got them to that point. Blameshifting, everybody is to blame except the guilty. But eventually only they believe themselves, the rest of the world doesn't.

Now focus on you!

and again, DOCUMENT! Both OWs in my case had friends turn on them and provided me with information and details of the affairs. One had a co-worker who gave me a TON of info and details. You may get support from some people you never thought you would. I had total strangers come out to help me.

But only trust what you can verify, I was told some lies too, which I at first believed, but after researching the fact turned out to be lies.

Now go focus on yourself!

Don't contact him right now, but since you're still in Plan A not Plan B, answer when he calls.

Stay on message. "I believe in our M. I believe we can be happy again. I know we can heal from this, once OW is out of the picture. There's no room in a M for 3 people - I can't wait till there's only 2 of us again." Etc.

I thought I was in plan B? I'm writing letters I'll post in a moment.

What can I expect as reply from the work letter? I haven't heard back from the workplace....

You asked him to leave, but did you actually give him a Plan B letter, line up an intermediary, etc.? I apologize if I missed it.

If he doesn't have the letter in his hands yet, then you are still in Plan A until you give it to him. You can Plan A from separate roofs, if you don't quite have things lined up to go all the way dark yet.

Is there a format for a letter to his fb friends?

Ok. If this stage is ok then I'm ok. When do I take more steps?

Dear friend/family of OW,

It is with great regret that I send this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that OW is having an affair with my husband, WH. We have been married for 4 years, together for 8 and have 2 heartbroken children. They have been having this affair since February 2010 according to the evidence.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.
I would ask that you use your influence with *** to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch out because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her father or family and ask them to call me at *****
_____

I left in the watch your husbands bc she is no friend of marriage to the women, but not the men. I went through the list women first in case I got stopped, then did the men.

I think I need to do the same to his FB but another letter. What about

_________________

Dear friend of ***,
It is with great regret that I send this letter but I believe all of ***�s friends should be aware that he is having an affair with a woman at work, ***. We have been married for 4 years, together for 8 and have 2 heartbroken children. They have been having this affair since February 2010 according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.
I would ask that you use your relationship with WH to discuss his actions with him and encourage him to quit his job, leave his mistress, and work toward rebuilding a family. He has expressed he is confused right now.
My family is hurting and in turmoil, and I am reaching out not to be malicious but to ask for help.
I appreciate your assistance,
BW

Wow Neak...I just read your story. Whoa. I tried to link to your first message here and it wouldnt go. But wow. You where in deep. Even deeper than me.

Are you together now? How long has it been since you did plan A/B.

When do I do plan B? Im so lost and hurt and confused...Im just trying. I keep reading over and over and over.

I do guess I need to be *nice* to him. I never was very mean. I said some mean things but mostly was nice and pleading. I guess I shouldnt plead either.

Im going to write him a letter I guess...for if I see him to tonight.

You left OWs name in a post a few posts up. You need to edit it out.

Ok I think I got it. Thanks Smiling.

I made this letter out of all your advice here. I am going to print it, and give it to his brother to give to him. Is that ok/a good idea?

***,
I believe in our marriage. I believe we can be happy again. I know we can heal from this, once Rachel is out of the picture. There's no room in a marriage for 3 people - I can't wait till there's only 2 of us again.
I do however have some things I need. I am not demanding, or accusing. I am saying these are things I need to heal.

1. Complete no contact, and if contact occurs you must tell me. This includes writing the no contact letter and giving to to me to mail.

2. Honesty - total and complete. If there was anything you aren�t ready to talk about yet, just say that and we would come back to it later. This not only includes not lying to me, but means not giving me a false perception of something, as you tried to do with the phone calls. No lies, no evasion, no covering, just the full and complete truth.

3. Open-book policy - complete access to bank accounts and all emails, cell phone, computer history, GPS. I will be watching those closely.

4. Accountability for time � if we aren�t together or with someone VERY trusted, and failing that to check in with me often and let me know what your doing. GPS also. Keep in close touch. I am willing to do the same to reassure you.
5. Marriage counseling � again.
6. Personal counseling/sex addiction therapy � sex addicition therapy may be for life. Possible medication for this.

7. Resign from ***. I know you love your job. But you cannot be exposed to her. The only way you can stay in this marriage and stay at your job, is if she leaves.
8� Every possible precaution must be taken to erase her from our lives and make contact with her so difficult that you would have to make great efforts and great deception to even make it possible. This includes, but is not limited to:
o Trading cell phones, changing numbers.
o Block her number from your phone.
o Get caller-ID-blocking blocked so there are no blocked numbers on the phone bill.
o Block all of her email addresses from all of your email addresses. Or delete accounts. NO NEW accounts. This goes with internet and phone monitoring.
o Delete her from every possible contact list you have.
o Get rid of anything she has given you, cards, memorabilia, anything at all.
o Do not mention her in the context of the present. She has no more part in our lives. That means you don�t ask how she is doing. (The only time her name will ever come up is in dealing with something affair-related.)
o Tell me immediately if there is ever contact of any kind. If you are honest about this, we will simply find a way to prevent it from happening again through more precautions.

You need to have some glimmer of how badly this recent episode has hurt me, in spite of how calm I am trying to remain have been in talking to you about it. After I compiled the list of phone calls and emails, showing just how many times you had called her, it just killed me. After you did not choose to leave your job and you walked out our door so easily, I was numb. Only after hours of staring did I break down. For a little while I thought I might just throw up, but instead broke into hysterical, wordless sobbing. Your brother held me while I uncontrollobly sobbed. I have no idea how long I cried, but it was a long while. After everyone left, I cried myself to sleep. I don�t know how long that took, but I know I only slept for an hour or less.

I will not let this continue. There will be no accidents or second chances. There will be no excuses, and no reasons for any type of contact, at any time, ever. No matter how much trouble it might be to put these things into place, it is little enough to prevent the kind of agony I have suffered, and am still suffering now. I will not risk being hurt like this again. I love you enough that I am willing to try one more time, and I hope and pray you will decide to take that chance.