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He just texted me to see how we where. I used the "I believe in our marriage. I believe we can be happy again. I know we can heal from this, once OW is out of the picture. There's no room in a marriage for 3 people - I can't wait till there's only 2 of us again." and he said "did you FB OWs family and friends?
WHAT DO I SAY OMG.
Last edited by confusedandtorn; 10/12/11 11:11 AM.
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[I said "I believe in our marriage. I believe in you. I believe we can be happy. Thats all Im saying in response to that. I do love you. Despite your cruelty to me. I said I do and I meant it."
I have no idea what Im doing.
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Just use the words I will do whatever I have to to save my marriage.......I am protecting my family........
Exposure works fairly quickly so prepare yourself he is going to be angry, blame you for why the marriage can't work now..........that you are cruel and don't care about him and his reputation. try not to laugh when he says all this stuff.....I just kept saying that none of these decisions were mine and that I wasn't going to let him hurt me or my family any longer.......
Tell him you love him and when he comes to his senses you would be willing to talk about the steps that need to be taken and to work on the marriage.......
Get ready he will be hopping mad, might move out, might call you names, expect anything from him........
But if he is that angry you know it's working they are probably fighting about it...they are quickly becoming accountable for their actions.....
Reality is hitting fantasy square in the face.........exactly what you want.......
don't reveal anything more than you will do what it takes to save your marriage and family.
let him feel it, don't help him......let him cry stomp his feet, and let them fight the more people that put pressure on them the better........
stay calm and act with integrity and look great .....
try not to laugh at the ridiculous things he will say........he is not thinking in a normal way any longer...........
Last edited by jessitaylor; 10/12/11 11:24 AM.
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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Ok I will say those things if it comes up.
He doesnt seem mad. The thing is..he rarely GETS mad. He holds it in. I think he bottles it up and is afraid if he lets it out.
Is it a bad sign?
He says he wants to come over tonight and see the girls and talk with me. I said ok maybe your borther can come. he seemed annoyed "WHY would he come" I said "umm I thought you wanted to talk. If so, we need someone to watch the kids and play with them and bathe them so we can talk"..."oh ok".
Like what? hes getting insulted like Im afraid? pshh. He wish I where afraid of him.
He already is staying at his cousins so...yea.
I look ok, not great. I did my make up but Ill have to fluff it. I had to put my hair in a bun because I couldnt find my brush and broke down crying this morning over it. UGH. I can take it down and fluff it to. and change if I need to. In case I get crying on my shirt.
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He says "I know you love me because you are fighting and I love you too but I need to figure all this out - can I see you tonight at home with the girls?"
I said yes, his brother can come to to that.
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he said "did you FB OWs family and friends?
WHAT DO I SAY OMG.
"I will not allow adultery or an adulteress to destroy our family"
"Yes. Would you like come coffee and cake?"
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I think he is getting it but you have to stay strong and firm, remember this is your chance to start right and build a great relationship with him......
Tell him you will fight for him but not with the other woman in the picture that if she stays you will be gone from his life.....
and mean it.......take the steps to show him that if you have to.....
show him you will never be a door mat for him again........he will have to prove himself to you.........he will have to earn your trust and be transparent with his whole life, he will never put himself in any kind of position ever again, and he will have to take the steps to put that into place.............
I made sure I was happy go lucky and playful at times, I would brush his arm by mistake or course, look right into his eyes when I spoke to him and showed him what he was going to be giving up...............my motto is this, I believe this with all my heart that what the OW and the affair partners underestimate in this whole situation is was the strength of the BS.........We aren't giving up or letting anyone else take our lives.......and we will do what ever it takes to keep what is ours.......
you try until it's over.......he won't be able to walk away........why would he with a woman that loves him and willing to fight for what he is and has with his family, he would be a fool and he knows it.....
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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Thank you Jesse<3 that really motivates me.
Pepper I like that
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He says "I know you love me because you are fighting and I love you too but I need to figure all this out - can I see you tonight at home with the girls?"
I said yes, his brother can come to to that. Don't let him sweet talk you and charm you into giving up any of your conditions to work on the M. Trust only what YOU can verify. We have a saying here... if their lips are moving then they are lying. And waywards are very good at seeming to be sincere because they really are sincere...until they need their next fix from OW. A false recovery can be even more devastating then D-Day #1. Stay strong.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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Yea I already had false recovery....
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I would recommend keeping that letter in your back pocket for now, and keep it just a little simpler up front.
Everything on that list is something you need, but the very first of all first things he needs to agree to is NC. And since this is your first PBL (that was my second, after a FR), the love needs to shine through. Those two things, your love and the need for NC are about all he will be able to grasp at first, anyway.
You make it clear that agreeing to NC is only a starting point, not the only thing you will need. At whatever point he agrees to NC is when you whip out the letter with the full, step-by-step conditions.
For now, finish your exposure, send to any remaining friends or family, and then focus on looking really sweet tonight, and treating him kindly even if he's beastly. You are Belle, and he is a furry prince with fangs.
Who do you still have left for exposure?
In answer to your question, we are still very happily together, and are about 6 1/2 years into R.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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For your actual PBL, I would suggest something more like this: Dear WH,
Ever since I first met you, I have loved your [insert one or more good character traits here]. You are my husband, my lover, my friend. Remember when [insert loving memory of the two of you, maybe with the kids, too]? That was such a beautiful time in our life, and I know we can be like that again.
Before all this happened, I made some mistakes. I [insert one or two ways you didn't meet his needs as you should, but don't slam yourself too hard, either]. That was so important to you, and I'm sorry I wasn't there for you the way I should have been. Through this experience, I have learned a lot more about marriage, and how we can be truly happy together and in love again.
I love you so much, and your adulterous relationship with OW is terribly painful to me. As much as I love you, and believe in our future together, I can no longer bear the pain of being in contact with you while you are still with her in any way. To protect the love I still have for you, I will not communicate with you directly while this adultery continues. ABC Friend will handle our communications in the meantime.
When you are willing to have no contact with the OW for the rest of our lives, and when you choose to again be a part of our marriage and family, please let ABC Friend know. Then we can talk about what it will take to recover our marriage and fall in love again.
Love you dearly,
C and T The other letter is very good for what you will need it for, but it's too much to throw at him when he won't even agree to NC. NC first, the rest of the conditions when he agrees to that. Who would be willing to be your IM (intermediary)? A friend would be better than a family member.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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I know it's a lot to process all at once. Please update on your exposure status when you can.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Yea I already had false recovery.... Sorry confusedandtorn. I re-read your initial post and see where I missed/forgot that. If you click on "profile" in "my stuff" you can add the details of your ages, kids, D-day dates, etc in your signature. It is always helpful to posters to see a quick recap of your details in your sig line. My best.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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I've exposed to everyone I can think of...friends family work....Facebook his and hers....only not my mom and dad. But my mom is unstable. I very seriously fear my mother will physically hurt him and go to jail. And my family agrees.
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Ok. I'm learning still. Dday is? So I have 2 dday?
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D day is when you found out something is going on.
A 2nd D day would be if you thought it was over and found out you were really in a FR.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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