Thank you guys. So much

It's midnight and he just called "I'm outside can I come in"...swept me up in hugs kisses and days he's so sorry it just clicked he chooses marriage. My stomach is rolling and I'm like reeling. I muster ip
How much I love him...I'm so glad...but he knows what I need so ge can stay. He emailed work...he *says* he will be finalizing in the morning...but thesis so hard. I said I love him so much and I'm sorry I just have to protect myself and once it's final and it's just me and him he can come back home. I didn't know I had this in me. I hope this is the right thing . I'm reeeeeling.

Maybe I can sleep now

Yes you are.

Matthew 6:24
No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.


Luke 16:13
No servant can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.


He cannot be both dedicated and loving is his marriage, and loving his job and girlfreind. at the same time. He is living in the fantasy of this, and you are doing what is needed to bring him out of it.

James 1:8
A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.

Trust in this, you are clearing out the fog of his desire to give into his temptation, and saving him from a life of confusion, and the broken hearts of his children, and his family. This is something he must respond to, and in humility admit that he has failed, and prove to you that he has changed.

It will take time to rebuild, as he admits that he was human, and made wrong decsions also, that hurt the ones he swore to love and protect. It was a selfish decsion, and you are helping him, even if he doesn't see it yet.

These steps to bring this all out into the light, are the most loving thing you can do for him, at this time. The job, his reputation, can all be rebuilt, but they pale in the importance of his marrige vows, and his quality of life, for the ones that are really important.

Go through with all the exposure, and know that you will succeed, in squashing the head of the serpent that has come into his life, and planted the seeds of deception and lies in his mind. It is the most loving thing that you can do, and sometimes, it has to be done in a marriage.

You can trust the people who are guiding you, they really care for your marriage, and your life.

You have been very brave, and done an explosive exposure. You have done an excellent job.

It is great that he wants to choose marriage. Remember though, this is just the beginning. He is sticking his head out of the fog now, but it will take time to come out of it for real.

The two of you will have some rebuilding to do. And because affairs are like addictions, he will start to miss the OW once the initial stress has passed a bit. (It is sick, but that is the reality.) So beware, that it will be up and down and up again after this, untill he is through withdrawal and the two of you can be truly one again.

I'm praying for you that he comes around and finishes his business at work, so you can rebuild and become happier even, than before.

You will get great guidance here, I'm sure from the people that have lived what you went through.

God bless you and help you through this.

Happyheart

Yes this is true, so be aware of it, and insist he quit ASAP or that the company fires her, or one of them gets transfered. He will not have the strength to avoid her or the triggers, no matter what he says at home. He has been living a double life for to long.

Ill keep you Posted today. I'm still wary he will go into work and change his mind. Im
Going to work on putting together plan b just in case. Because he has been so wushu washy. It took everything I had to turn him away last night, although I did so with kindness and love.

If he does follow through-what's my next step?

You did great !! Don't go down the same path where the A picked up again. You have already found out that WH is not strong enough to resist that OW. He must leave that job.

Here are your conditions to work on the M

1. He leaves that job.
2. NC in any way shape or form with OW for LIFE.
3. NCL handwritten by him where he addresses his disrespect and hurt to you and his family therefore NC for life. YOU mail the letter.
4. complete transparency into his life
5. commitment to MB recovery plan.

If he does not agree to all of the above, you push the plan B button as soon as you have everything in place.

Stay strong. Hugs.

Ok. Where is the recovery plan?

I have to give back my car today..because it's linked to his job.

Well that is a good reason to switch to bike!

Recovery:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5061_qa.html

First, he has to completely commit to extraordinary precautions to protect you from his affair. That means he NEVER sees or speaks to that ho again other than to send her a no contact letter that is written by him, approved by you and mailed together. [will post letter in the next post]

1. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

2. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc - EXCHANGE CELL PHONES, CANCEL EMAIL ACCOUNT, CANCEL FACEBOOK

3. no more opposite sex friendships

4. complete honesty about the affair<s>

5. commit to the Marriage Builders program

Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on his willingness and ability to make radical changes. His lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. He is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe.

He must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed. Unless he makes a 180 degree turn in his approach to what it means to be a husband, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

AWESOME JOB!!!!!!!! See? You can think on the fly! This was terrific - expressing love, and yet upholding boundaries. Perfecto!

I'm glad you're still putting your Plan B together, in case you have to use it. It sounds like he's leaving his job, and that's a good first step. If he also commits to NC, even better. As long as he does those things, and is progressing, you can hold off on Plan B.

But at any point that he balks, or if you find that contact has resumed, then you go dark very quickly. You'll be ready, so that part will be easy.

You are doing so good! Hope you got a good night's sleep.

Lol to bike. I can't bike to work! Lol

Whatever price you end up paying for your new mode of transportation, it pales in comparison to your family and your sanity.

Think outside the box in coming up with a solution. Ok, so bike won't work, probably not glider, either, or stilts, but there must be some affordable substitute.

confused, if he tries to drag this out with "I will try and find another job and then leave this job" blah, blah, blah, then you should go into Plan B. Let him know that won't work. You shouldn't be with him until ALL contact ends.

If he says that, just tell him that won't work and then come back here and we will help you finalize your plans for Plan B.

Have you been thinking about the locks? Do you own your home? If so, you can buy locks at Home Depot and get your dad or someone to change them. You don't EVEN want him coming in your house or contacting you in any way if you go into Plan B. And I suspect he will try to contact you because HE WILL NOT LIKE LOSING CONTROL OF YOU.

LINK to False Recovery discussion

You are getting GREAT advice & guidance.

Part of MB is self care.

This is exhausting.
Please, treat yourself well.

confused, it is as common as dirt for waywards to promise whatever they think their spouse wants to hear in order to buy time. Don't be surprised if he comes home and tells you that his boss begged him to stay until they find a replacement. Or that he'll lose his pension, etc, if he doesn't put in a two-week notice. Or whatever.

STAY THE COURSE. Thank him for his information and then show him to the door. Tell him you'll talk further after he's gone from the job.

You can't waffle on this requirement. This is a biggie. Everything that happens next depends on this.

Ok, I need to read all of those links and get informed. I still need to work on my plan B today just in case. I have spent most of the morning with HR at my work, trying to get benefit info because we will lose his coverage.

HOWEVER - he just called. He met with his boss and his boss's boss. They gave him options. They offered to let him work from home while he transitions out of the job, and allow him an intermidiary for any communication between them (its minimal, but she is in shipping and he needs to ship things). They said he can go through her boss (who BTW doesnt like her). The also offered to transfer him to their corporate office, about 50 miles away, and get him an office there. He'd still work for this branch, but out of that office. And third, they offered him to work after hours - he comes when she leaves. The third is a no. No way. They also said if he takes option 2, where he works out of the other office, that maybe eventually he transitions to a position for that branch. I feel comfortable with these options...moreso the one where he works in torrance. He could commute with his dad (who albeit is not the best guy, but he'd be accounted for at least).

What do you think? I told him he can't email her and he said "no, no contact, none. And I need to write that letter you said" (the NC letter). And the work agrees, no contact due to sexual harassment issues.

He agreed to GPS etc. He has personal therapy tonight for his issues on his own.

I need to prepare a list of requirements based off all this here now...