another thing, regarding finances, he mentioned to my Aunt that he intends giving me his primary bank card to keep and I would have to deposit some money into his secondary bank account for his living expenses, I dont believe him at this stage becuase he has not kept his promises since the A, what would be a good financial plan, what % of his salary should I expect from him and should I get him to sign an agreement regarding this?

Could you schedule a free consultation with an attorney?
They could give you some guidelines on finances.
Are you eligible for alimony or spousal support for some time?
Don't discount that!

There are lots of child support calculators out on the web.
Make sure you are using your state guidelines.

I cant sleep, so I find myself here again, I was supposed to be leaving on sunday but couldn't becuase I couldn't get a booking, now I have to wait till this sunday, when WS found out that I wont be leaving this past sunday, he left to see the OW and spent the weekend there again, when he returned home, he found his bags backed, I threw his bags outside and told him clearly that he ought to return to the where he came from, he actually found every reason he could think of to stay, I told him I did not care, he clearly showed me who is more important in his life, so he must return there. We ended up arguing about him leaving and my travelling plans, of which I told him that it was now none of his business when I will be travelling ( why is he so concerned? ) he told me that I could not kick him out of his own place as he pays the rent. I eventually gave in and left him alone as he was now causing a scene.

This morning he sent me this email

Hi,
If there is one thing you have succeeded in doing is that you have made me a bitter person.
But with time I will get over it.
Even though I never spent the weekend at home ,you could atleast inform of your travel plans cause my children will be with you.
I know you have never bothered with your own personal safety and were spoilt rotten but please the least you owe me is co-operation for the kids sake.

this was my reply -

I dont want to fight with you, you did not care for your children enough to spend the weekend with them whilst other children spent the weekend with their fathers, instead you willingly choose to spend the weekends with your girlfriend so please dont act concerned now, if you did not want to be around me you would of taken your children and been with them. You have clearly shown me who matters in your life most, I dont want to take care of you anymore for OWs benefit, I have been taking care of you during the week so that she can have the best of you during the weekend, I am not your caregiver anymore especially for the OW, so please let her care for you 100%, its only fair if you going to give her your best love and attention. Thats what makes me mad, if you think someone told me to kick you out, you are wrong, your behaviour drove me to do that.

So I am asking you nicely, I dont want to say or do something that I will regret like shouting at you the way I did yesterday, I am sorry for going about it in the wrong way, when you come home today, please take your bags and go back to your QUEEN, I have suffered enough because of this affair. I just want to spend my last days here in peace. end

When he came home from work he showed no intentions of leaving, then I told him to leave, of which he refused again, I cant stand him right now, I feel like I would rather be dead than be in his presence, he makes me so sick, I feel suicidal, how do I get rid of him without causing a scene, I am afraid to get evicted because of his stuborn attitude.

His sister called me during the day to tell me that he called her, apparently she says he sounded so remorseful, and acknowledged that what he is doing is wrong, she however told him to go home and think about what he really wants in life, At this point I dont care about what he tells anybody because I am so fed up, if he cant tell me what I want to hear then he can leave.

I dont even have the desire to give him the PBL, I wrote one similar to the example I received from Melodylane, but I cant bring myself to give it to him because I feel that he does'nt deserve my love anymore, I just resent him right now, I cant even sleep under the same roof with him, right now I feel that I want out of this marriage.

Dear V212,

It must be hard for you, having to put up with his heinous behaviour for another week.

Have you gotten legal council? You must. Maybe you can use this week to get advice from a lawyer.

Is there any chance you can get out of your husbands way as much as you can? Maybe you can leave him some food and go to bed with the children really early.

I can imagine you resent him. He is an alien. Only thinking of himself and he doesn't care for you or the children.
But think about the man he used to be. The man you fell in love with, who found you amazing. The man you wanted to marry. Think of this man as if he has some kind of mental disease. Under all the crap that man is still there, imprisoned in the alien.

Could you muster up and scrape together the last bits of love you have for this poor caged being deep inside of the alien? (Anakin Skywalker (I think) inside Darth Vader)
You know he is in there somewhere. What could bring him out, what could free him? The only one who just might be able to save the feeble good side of him is you.

Put your best foot forward one last time. Dont argue with him. Don't love bust. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html
Think of it this way: What would make the other woman livid/sad/disgusted if she knew you where sharing with your husband? She does not want the two of you to bond or have a good time together. Every time you argue with him, you make her smile. And you detest her, right?

So you want to make her cry.
You know your husbands weeknesses. May it be his favorite recipe, foot (or whatever) massage, anything you can do for him that she wishes you wouldn't.
If you are not feeling love for him, you can still feel better, knowing it will make her cringe if he is spending even a few good moments with you. Even if he does not make you feel he finds you attractive, he will still be triggered/aroused. She would hate that.

If she could steal his time away from you, why can't you cause friction between them by stealing time away from her. You have one week left, to make him late for his dates with her ;-)

You already noticed, that if you let yourself be dragged into a discussion/argument, that he tries to use that to blame his affair on you. That makes it easier for him.
If you are exquisitely nice, beautiful, charming and so on, it is much more difficult for him to rationalize in his mind to continue this affair.
Each time you charmingly and elegantly circumvent an argument, you make it more difficult for him.

If it must be, you can play out the part of the loving graceful spouse for another week. And you know what, you can do that because you ARE loving and graceful.
Because you are better than them, you take the high road.

One more week and you can come to rest in plan B.
Is the letter written and ready?

I wish you strength and wisdom.
Hang on.

Happyheart

Thanks happyheart, you always have wise words of encouragement, as bitter and resentful as I feel towards him, I will try to do as you suggested, I also think I need to deal with myself more right now because I have allowed myself to be so angry towards him. what makes me so mad is that WS keeps giving me hope and telling me that he is going to end the affair, whilst expecting me to put up with it and wait in the side line, as if I have no emotions, he admits how wrong he is and asks that we all stop trying to help him because he wants to burn his fingers and learn a lesson so that he does not ever find himself having another affair or possibly going back to the OW again.

telling me that he is going to end the affair, whilst expecting me to put up with it and wait in the side line, as if I have no emotions, he admits how wrong he is and asks that we all stop trying to help him because he wants to burn his fingers and learn a lesson so that he does not ever find himself having another affair or possibly going back to the OW again.

He is an idiot. Deeply in the fog and hoping to cake-eat with you on the backburner...

Have you read the thread of mortarman here on this forum? I think what he has to say is very valuable and a lot of it fits your situation (well he has been through so much, that I'm sure it probably fits many situations.
Please read it, it is encouraging.

God bless,

Happyheart

v1212, is there a plan for you to leave?

As I understand it, she had sceduled to leave yesterday, but couldn't and her next flight is one week later.

Thanks. I think she needs to get out of there.

I coped alot better yesterday, I've kept my TV channel on TBN the whole day, and have been meditating on Gods word, I am also taking some antidepressants, and have been thinking alot about what Happyheart said, I've asked WS to pray with me every evening before we sleep, I think that will help me with my resentment issues.

Deep down inside I miss him and wish I could just hold him and everything would be alright, but either my pride or resentment just won't allow me to. Saturday is my oldest son's birthday, he will be turning 5, I don't mean to be negative but sometimes I wonder if this might be the last time he spends his birthday with both his parents together, I hope not.

Hi, happyheart, thanks for referring me to mortarman, I searched for him but there are so many subjects under his name, I'm not sure which one I should be reading. could you tell me what subject to search for. thanks

Dear V1212,

You are doing great. Please remember that the antidepressant medication only unfolds its full effect after 4-6 weeks.

In the mean time, it is wednesday, so you have already made it through 42% of this last week if this day is over.
You can do it, this is your grand finale. If your son's birthday is on Saturday, that is excellent!
What better last memory could you want your wayward husband to have of you and the children?

Do not think that you are the only one who has sad feelings about the family breaking up. Deep inside, he does too. But his feelings are being overruled by his addiction to OW. He is painting in his head some picture of lalaland, where either the children get along with OW just fine and play family (you will come around for an amicable divorce of course, or a picture where he xxx his head off with OW and after that will be with you as if nothing happens, or ... Who knows if he is thinking anything. He is deeply in the fog.

I can garantee you that he can't imagine at this point what it will be like without you. Other than he gets to be with OW without hassles with you and the children.
Give him a taste of how nice it could be, on his son's birthday party.

We know already, from what you told, that OW is not mentally stable, threathening suicide and all. Now you are going to do your best to show WH that if all others do not keep their head clear, you do so, with grace.
From what he told you he may not be planning on being with her for the long run, but you never know.

Have you already planned the party? Make it good. It doesn't have to be perfect. Birthday parties never are. Do you have someone to help you?
If I, after years of birthdayparties may make a few suggestions:
Get a disposable table cloth and disposable napkins, plates, spoons, forks and cups and etc. These 5-year-olds will make everything unbelievably dirty. After the party is over, you just fold the disposable tablecloth including everthing disposable on the table (make sure the cups are empty) and throw it in the trash. No cleaning, no washing up, no stress. Took me a few years to come up with that, but saves loads of time and they don't break your glasses. You can write their names on those things so they won't swap drinks.
And I always make the invited children hide their gift. That takes at least half an hour more before the unpacking and they are all excited, because they know where it is hidden and the birthday kid doesn't. Well just some side remarks.

You can do it, these last 4 days. The nicer you are, the harder it will be for him. He would love for you to yell at him, because OW will look all the better in comparison and he can use it to justify things for himself.

Just stay calm and don't let him succeed in making you angry or turning things around. Have a few sentences ready for when he tries to provoke you. Maybe something like: Our family is falling apart, because you chose to have an affair. Only if you break up with OW we can work on having an even happier marriage than before. (you will thing of a few better lines that fit the situation) Just truths (currently you chose xxx situation - things can be like xxx if you make the right choice), but without love busting.

No matter what he says, keep calmly and kindly repeating the truths and the way out of this mess to him. If you notice that he is getting to you and you are losing your calm, just say something like, excuse me I have to go to the bathroom and go.
If he gets angry, that only shows that you're getting through to him. You don't want to sit him down at this point and have relationship talk. It does no good. Just be exquisitely nice and if appropriate answer his attacks with kindly pointing to the right way out of this mess. That will amaze and irritate him much more than if you lose your cool.

((((((((V1212))))))))
A few more days and you can let yourself go a little. I am sorry that you are the one, having to be strong for your family. Especially at a time in your life, where you could use a shoulder to lean on. Do it for your children. Do it so no matter how it turns out, you will always know you did anything you could. Do it, so you can be proud of yourself for being the only one in the family who was a rock when everything came crashing down. In the weeks to come you can rest. The next 4 days pull together your last bits of strength. Pray and work. The Lord will give you strength and you will forever be a stronger
person because you have taken charge of your life.

I will pray for you,

Happyheart

Mortarmans posts:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2192267#Post2192267

His parents are already not together, and he is old enough to sense that.

Hold on to hope. By going through this journey, you may well gain back what you have already lost. For certain, you will be a better person.

No matter what happens, you're going to be ok.

I think it is common sense that is stopping you from "holding him and everything would be alright". Not pride or resentment. COMMON SENSE.

You are no where near recovery.
However, you might like to pretend you are.

Therefore, I am linking you to a thread in the Recovery Forum, where MBers who have experienced a FALSE RECOVERY share their mistakes. They are paying it forward in the hope that you, and others, might avoid the same errors.

LINK to FALSE RECOVERY thread

Here is Pep's prayer for your WH:

Lord, I pray that Mr v1212 suffers great pain and discomfort as a result of his sins. Lord, keep him alive, keep him out of jail, but keep him miserable until he turns his life around to follow you once again. Lord, v1212's WH needs you as his Father. Hold v1212's WH's face in the gutter where he chooses to be, until he is truly repentant and remorseful. Then, lift this WH up and let us all rejoice. Amen.

NEVER STAND BETWEEN AN ADULTERER AND HIS CONSEQUENCES.

thanks again happyheart, I really appreciate your support. We've been praying together everynight now, It has helped me alot to cope, last night I when I had a bad dream, I actually found myself nudging him and asking him to hold me like I used to.

This morning he mentioned the sad fact that his children would be living with his worst enermy ( my dad )then I mentioned to him that my father would be a father figure to our children as he neglected his responsibility, that statement made him react in such an agressive manner, he told me that that would never happen, I politely reminded him that it was his choice not mine, its either he ends his affair for good or my father will have some of influence on our children.

He still maintains that I stay in this marriage with him, whilst he goes thru all this, because he promises to end the affair soon, and asks why is it that my mother as well as other women stay in marriages where they know that their husbands are having an affair. So true my WS is so deep in the fog, I would like to see how he will behave when we are gone.

so true pep, your prayer is a bit harsh, but to be honest with you, I feel the same way, I hope God punishes him as well as the OW, she keeps telling him that she does not want to break up his home but she continues to sleep with him and be there for him in everyway, I have come to resent her as well, I hate harboring resentment toward anyone, its so unhealthy, I just want to let go. But I do hope that one day they both suffer the consequences of their actions and hope that day comes soon.

You did great. Staying that it is his own choices that are eventually affecting his children. And staying calm, as he spit this garbage that is coming out of his mouth at you.


And as to why you do not stay while his is xxx ... as much as he likes.
I'm just curious as to what he would say if it were the other way around?

You are doing better than you would have ever imagined you could. May He give you strength through these last hard days.

(((V1212)))

Happyheart

v1212,

Don't worry the Karma bus comes around eventually.......when your husband feels what it like to lose the life he has know he will realize what he has done. When the OW starts to love bust him like she will he will then realize what a fool he is..........

Right now your only job is to look after yourself, your husband doesn't see it now but when you are gone and he is on his own and he has lost his family, that is when reality will hit him, let him feel that, let him hurt, the quicker the better......
The sooner he will come to his senses, the old saying set it free and if it was meant to be it will come back........fastest easiest way.......
Give them permission and see if they actually go.........Freedom makes you think about what you are leaving behind..........

In my mind, this is not "punishment".
It is God touching his circumstances in a way that will GET the wayward's ATTENTION.

Sometimes (more often than not) the dopes stuck in their adultery are too focused on getting their "fix" that they ignore mild reminders that their behavior is wrong. The adultery idiots (many of them) require REAL & SUSTAINED PAIN in the way of a wake up call.

The worse the pain (face in the gutter) the greater chance they will decide to turn their life around.

Stop thinking of punishment.
Start thinking of consequences.

If the wayturd feels no pain from his/her affair, they (most of them) will not stop.