WOW you are a wonderful success story!

I would ONLY agree to this on a very temporary basis while he looks for another job. What will happen is that as long as they work for the same company their paths will continually CROSS in the coming years and you will be back here dealing with a resumed affair again soon enough. Every time he sees her name on an email or they attend a meeting he will be triggered. And he will obviously have to visit her location at times. Then you will be at step one again.

See, they will be also be able to email at work and call each other there.

I would agree and give him TWO MONTHS to find another job. This can only be temporary. You had better go for the GOLD right now while you have a chance, dear. Don't settle for a deal that is going to set you for a repeat affair.


Good.


Well, him knowing about the GPS sort of ruins that resource. I wouldnt' encourage therapy because that could cause problems.


Good girl!! Stand FIRM and don't settle for less.

How could therapy cause problems? He thinks he needs help with his "sex addiction"

Oh, and there would not be meetings or anything where they are together. Because he would be at the other office, he would participate in their benefit meetings etc.

She is also not in a position where she would attend any meetings. They work in entirely different departments in a large corporation. She is clerical, paper pusher.

Other people said their spouses "agreed" to GPS. How can I do it without him knowing?

Anyway, he is waiting on word from HR that they can even do this right now. Your probably right, I'll give him some time to leave.

If he transfers to the other building 50 miles away entirely, and works for that branch, there would be no possibility of interaction...they are basically separate companies. I obviouslt can't say WHERE but they are.

DO I give him a letter of requirements or what?

Here is what I have (from you guys)

1. Leave job
2. No Contact in any way shape or form with OW for LIFE.
3. No Contact Letter handwritten where you addresses your disrespect and hurt to you and his family therefore no contact for life. I will mail the letter.
4. complete transparency into your life
5. commitment to MB recovery plan.
6. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle (**DOES THIS MEAN NO GIRLS NIGHTS O.o�can he still go out if he is with family, ie his cousins, or my friends husbands? We have 2 couples we are clsoe with, usually the girls go out to dinner, and the guys go out to dinner sometimes)
7. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc - EXCHANGE CELL PHONES, CANCEL EMAIL ACCOUNT, CANCEL FACEBOOK
8. no opposite sex friendships
9. complete honesty about the affair<s>
10. commit to the Marriage Builders program

**I am going to put an internet tracker on his laptop and if I can his phone (since he was emailing on his phone) as well as GPS on his car and phone � not sure how but I will figure this out

Your spouse should not be told about a GPS because he can easily work around it. My suggestion would be to slip spyware on his phone that has a built in GPS. And don't tell him about it! What kind of phone does he have?


What does this mean? Does he look at porn? If he does, then part of the agreement is that he STOPS ALL porn NOW. He doesn't need "therapy" to do that. He just needs to STOP it and throw away any and all porn and completely eliminate any possible way to access porn anymore.

confused, does he need to leave the job? If there is NO CHANCE of contact at work then this should not be an issue.

Love your list!!! From now on, start planning COUPLES nights. Don't go out without each other again. Your time together is too important to squander on friends and family! And going out without your spouse is an affair risk.

He doesn't have a sex addiction. He has poor boundaries around women. He doesn't need a therapist to correct that.

Therapy is typically a bad idea because therapists waste time (and YOUR money) exploring childhood issues, delving into youthful disappointments, etc, that have nothing to do with infidelity. He shouldn't waste time on these things as a means to recover your marriage or to 'fix' himself.

Worse, a particularly bad theory that therapists have is that the client should "explore their options" or "seek their happiness" and other tripe like that. It often leads to the client separating from their spouse so he can "find himself." And then the marriage breaks down.

Sex addiction? All guys are addicted to sex

It's self control and discilpline he needs

"Why stare at a glass of water when your thirsty?"

He needs to drink that at home, and control his thoughts

UA time and practicing filling the emotional needs, will bring about the intimacy you will need, to make sex something he will only want from you , as he will have to work for it also

Thanks everyone for the advice.

If he transfers to the other facility, then no there is no way of contact. The employer wont allow it at this point, of course this is what WH is saying. However, they must want to keep him really bad to offer this - he didn't ask for this, he went in told them the truth and said he had to quit because of it.

I have other friends that are yelling at me saying I am compromising by allowing this transfer etc, and what will stop him in a bar with another woman and whatever.

It looks like what we are looking at now is he either works from home until December, or he works for this facility, but out of the other facility until December. Still with no contact with her.

In that meantime, he can apply for a job at the other facility, and his boss will give him a reference, or he can find another job.

These other friends are telling me why am I subjecting myself to a life of monitoring him and constant worry and all this stuff for nothing. *sigh*

confused, when your friends start second-guessing you and advising you, ask them how many marriages they have saved with their advice.

I have no trouble with his transfer to another place 50 miles away if no contact is true. (Your work isn't done with putting EPs in place, remember. But the job is the first concern.)

If he hasn't gotten it yet, your WH should be getting a letter of reprimand from his employer. Ask to see it. It should spell out the terms of the reprimand, including his transfer and the no contact rule.

His employer has just been served notice that they have a potential lawsuit because of the actions of your WH. They will be documenting their response to this.

If they neglect to give your WH a copy he needs to ask for one.

Confused, how will you verify what that what he is telling you is the truth about his job?

And yes, you will be checking on him for life. But that just means you won't be worrying because if he is completely transparent and you have good spy resources you will know what he is doing.

How do your friends feel you are compromising by allowing him to transfer? I want to understand their perspective. Do they see something I am not seeing? Can they come here and tell me?

Amen!!

It sounds to me that they want her to dump him completely.

I get that, but I don't understand why they are against this solution. Is it because they just want her to dump him regardless? I don't know.

That is what I am getting...that they just want her to get rid of him. Because they are sure he will cheat again with the next 'temptation' in a bar or something. I might be making too many assumptions about her what her friends are thinking....

I would say I imagine their intentions are good, but most good intentions do not save marriages. They do not understand the MB way of life for married people to live.

I want to know exactly why they don't like the offered solution to the job situation.

I don't know how I can verify what he is telling me...he checks his email at home..I can ask for the password? I can put that spywhere tracking...especially if he is working from home because it will be on our computer.

What theyve basically said is I have spent the last year being treated like sh*t. I have been sick, my stomach is in constant upset, I've gotten an ulcer. Ive gained weight (which Ive now lost 5 pounds this week), and I was so depressed I could barely move. They say he wont change. Nothing will make him change and there will always be another girl to f*@k him no matter what. They say he cant change and I am just subjecting myself to something worse next time, STD's, an extramarital pregnancy, etc.

Most everyone seems to want me to dump him completely (friends). My two very best friends, they will support me no matter what. They sent him messages of support, saying they dont condone him but if he wants to talk they can. One of their husbands took him out last night. My Very closest friend at first said nothing I would do would work. And when I showed her what I was doing with exposure and etc she said maybe if he gets so much positive support this can turn (changing her mind is tough!).

They think I will be living a terrible life of constant worry and checking and tracking.

They are saying that now I am the one compromising AGAIN with allowing this job situation etc. I kind of saw it as the best of both - he is out contact with her, and we dont lose everything so fast. I have time to save to buy another car. If they keep him until december, I can enroll in benefits at my work as of January 1. Right now, if he quits, we lose any insurance until January 1. And if his work is supportive?

I can c&p some of the messages they give me if that would help. I said I feel like they think I am an idiot and whatever and one of them jumped all over me for resenting her help. I didnt say that...I said I FEEEL ...I FEEL that they think I am an idiot.