..Last weekend, a few days before FR, we where home sick. We where in the kitchen and he began pressing against me, he hoisted me up onto the counter and started making out w me and pushing on me,. He tried to pull down my pants, I said no honey I dont feel good...he kept telling me to bad. Not in a way where hes like "to bad I am going to restrain you' but almost in a way HE thinks is playful. I kept saying no and he picked me up and took me to the couch. He took off my pants and I kept saying babe, common! Im sick. And he put it inside of me. I got angry and pushed back a little and rolled my eyes. he stopped and said sorry. I put on my pants and he said sorry. Do I think this is ok? NO. Am I sure its rape? No not really.
My friend cares for me very much and has been looking at this site, the articles and agrees the advice is good and it probably works in "normal" cases. She asked me "what advice do they give out in response to spousal rape" and "are there people on that site who have had a problem like that and how did they deal with it?" "do they still encourage you to rebuild in an abusive relationship?".
I know this has been emotional abuse and maybe even sexual battering. I am not sure I am comfortable with "rape". I am not fearful that he would hit me or hurt me. I was in a physically abusive relationship before and I walked away. With 3 cracked ribs, but I was a kid. (17). I know physical abuse. However, I do have a hard time admitting something horrible has happened to me. I was molested several years ago by a 40 year old man when I was 17. My WH (who was not my boyfriend yet) was in the room but passed out drunk on the other side. I woke up being touched below by this man. I froze but eventually got up, and moved to the other side of the room. I never have considered that "rape" althoguh my therapist tells me otherwise. So maybe I am skewed. anyway. I wanted to put that info out there.
These are acts from men who are ignorant of romance, and afraid of thier own sexuality. Insecure in the sex department. Probably read to many playboy and hustler fantasys.
Look, sex sells, and there are girls all over the internet advertising that they want them sexually. Its a con game and all they want is power and control. Society and advertising plays on the simple drives of men and women, and makes them think that they can have it all, and we are bombarded with that crap every day.
Woman want to be attractive to all men, and men want to be attractive to all women, and those that aren't are the losers.
Then we have the storys from other men, the fantasys of one night stands, the lies they tell about how "hot" this one is and what they did together, and of course, lets not forget, the fact that mature men ussually think about sex every three minutes, when thier mind is not occupied by something else.
With the way it is capitalised on, it is no surprise that men are aroused so often, and for the wrong(?) reasons.
This is where romantic love comes in, and the boundaries that are nessesary, in a loving relationship. When your husband sees you as special, and one of a kind,(as he gets to know you again through UA time), he will drop the fantasys of forcing himself on you. (Although when
YOU FEEL special, you might enjoy his aggressiveness and ownership of your body)
That won't happen as long as he is in an affair, you need to rebuild romantic love, and he has a lot of weight to lift first.
And it will take time, and investment, from him. He will have to be tottally repentant, start treating you as a woman, and with respect for your feelings, which are not like his. He is wired different than you, and you him, in his brain, and in his thoughts. He needs to change them.
Breaking up the affair is just the beginning of your journey into what a marriage is supposed to be. Its about mutual care for each other, and knowing each other, like nobody else on earth.
You have just started on that journey, and acted well also, but there is more work to do yet, and DR H would be the best investment you could make, if you could afford it. I encourage you to look into counselling with him, he is the fastest road to recovery. Of course that goes along with this site, and the support here that will not desert you.
Obviously the 40 yr old man was guilty of "date rape" at the least, and your H needs to cool his jets, because sex doesn't mean intimacy, but intimacy can and does result in sex most of the time. What you need to do is build that again, and he IS capable, if he is willing.
If he is like many men who are in the world, and come here to save thier marriages, he will have to learn to control his thoughts, and think with the right head, and it is possible with the right mindset.
You are a gift to him, not someone he can use at his leisure, and he needs to KNOW this, and you do too. Make him prove it to you again, and let it become the deep relationship it was supposed to be in the first place
We need to start a new thread: "Craziest things to come out of an idiot therapist's mouth." Your OB guy is equally at fault in the idiot department.
Ask for that letter!