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"I guess I wasn't really surprised by what was said mostly, but I did learn a few things. One, perhaps it hasn't always been smart of me to continue sleeping in the same bed with him, but I have been and I do believe he has been respectful of me. And with the Dr. saying it, I guess I really do have some trust and love left, I must if I am going through this. "
I think Dr Harley was trying to express how inappropriate your trust is, BB. It is not wise to trust your husband, and that is why he was so startled to hear that you affording trust to an untrustworthy person. That is something that will harm you and harm your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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so what is the answer then? I don't want to sleep in separate rooms, and he wouldn't either, and of course, the kids would know something is going on as well.
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so what is the answer then? I don't want to sleep in separate rooms, and he wouldn't either, and of course, the kids would know something is going on as well. I would NOT take that sleeping aide again. And I might even sleep with a loaded pistol on my nightstand along with a phone so you can call 911 if he does this again.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And I would destroy the webcam he used to stream his assault on the internet. Get that out of the house forever.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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well, i don't take them every night, but I do sometimes, maybe twice a week...I can only go so long on 2 or 3 hours of sleep. And we have webcams built into 2 out of 3 of our computers. I'm not sure if there is some way to lock those...but honestly, if he ever did it again, it would just kill me. The first time was devastating enough. If he really wanted to do it again, he would find a way. I know that, but I am trusting that he won't. There is obviously no marriage if there was ever a repeat.
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BB, I would not sleep with him again when you are taking sleeping pills and I would disable the webcams. Don't make it possible for this to happen again.
Are you financially dependent on him?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And we have webcams built into 2 out of 3 of our computers. I'm not sure if there is some way to lock those... ![[Linked Image from ducttape.umwblogs.org]](http://ducttape.umwblogs.org/files/2009/03/duck-tape.jpg) ![[Linked Image from images.wikia.com]](http://images.wikia.com/deadliestwarrior/images/7/74/Ice-pick-1-.jpg)
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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[quote=Blackbirdfly]so what is the answer then? [quote]
Follow the advice given by the professional - your husband was advised to enroll in an accountability program, use the Marriage Builders accountability program.
He was advised to enroll in counseling.
See that this is done.
Listen to the broadcast again, LISTEN TO WHAT DR. HARLEY HAS ADVISED.
ENROLL IN THE ONLINE PROGRAM.
When you have questions, call your coaches, e-mail the program.
The reactions of others are to be expected. Joyce's reaction is to be expected.
Hopefully you have e-mailed the program as well, and get a chance to get on a future broadcast to go over this.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Hopefully you have e-mailed the program as well, and get a chance to get on a future broadcast to go over this. Yes, blackbird. I think this would be very helpful for you guys.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I'm trying to put this out without being too harsh or offending, but honestly, Blackbird, I think if you want to have any hope of moving through this, that cool and objective opinions are going to be what you need.
This has been hot-button from the first post, and it hasn't cooled down yet.
When it comes time to apply Marriage Builders principals, then it will be time to come to the forum where people are good at applying Marriage Builders principals. Until that point is reached, your husband needs to follow Dr. Harley's recommendations, and you should; mail the radio program, enroll in the online program, or call the coaching center.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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I'm trying to put this out without being too harsh or offending, but honestly, Blackbird, I think if you want to have any hope of moving through this, that cool and objective opinions are going to be what you need. Excuse me? Who gets to judge this? Are you asserting that you are the judge of what is "cool" and "objective?" 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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ok, so I've just spent a few minutes looking up counselors and stuff, and I'm having a hard time finding any that say they specialize in what we need......i guess I'll have to start just calling and asking...
I realize this is kind of beyond the scope of MB, but, we have all these marital issues (and have for years) on top of this other issue....before this ever happened. Which, maybe he needs to get this fixed first before we can really hope to work on our marriage. Or ideally, we do both at the same time. We can't really afford the counseling, but we may just have to handle some extra debt to fix this.
And someone asked if I was financially dependent, well the answer is sort of. I do not work, but my parents live close by and I know it would not be an issue for him to live there, or if things went badly between us, the 3 of us could live there and I would be fine picking up a job.
Well, back to searching for a therapist, we live near a small city, so probably not as many options as some places but I will see what I can find.
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I'm trying to put this out without being too harsh or offending, but honestly, Blackbird, I think if you want to have any hope of moving through this, that cool and objective opinions are going to be what you need. Excuse me? Who gets to judge this? Are you asserting that you are the judge of what is "cool" and "objective?" Go pick a fight with someone else over your offenses, I'm not interested this time.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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I'm trying to put this out without being too harsh or offending, but honestly, Blackbird, I think if you want to have any hope of moving through this, that cool and objective opinions are going to be what you need. Excuse me? Who gets to judge this? Are you asserting that you are the judge of what is "cool" and "objective?" Go pick a fight with someone else over your offenses, I'm not interested this time. Gee, I thought that was what you were doing when you told her to ignore opinions that you don't deem "cool and objective." How helpful is that?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And someone asked if I was financially dependent, well the answer is sort of. I do not work, but my parents live close by and I know it would not be an issue for him to live there, or if things went badly between us, the 3 of us could live there and I would be fine picking up a job.
Well, back to searching for a therapist, we live near a small city, so probably not as many options as some places but I will see what I can find. blackbird, my suggestion would be to start using the MArriage Builders program NOW while your H is getting therapy for impulse control. I want to also make sure I understand your financial situation. Your husband supports you, right? So you are dependent on him? In order to do the program, you and your husband can do the lessons at home if you are diligent and methodical. Is Dr Harley sending your husband a book? And lastly, I want to make sure that you are taking seriously what I mentioned about preventing this from happening again. If your husband has poor impulse control, you can't "trust" that he won't do this again. You have to make sure he CAN'T. What did your husband think about his call with Dr Harley?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'm trying to put this out without being too harsh or offending, but honestly, Blackbird, I think if you want to have any hope of moving through this, that cool and objective opinions are going to be what you need. Excuse me? Who gets to judge this? Are you asserting that you are the judge of what is "cool" and "objective?" Go pick a fight with someone else over your offenses, I'm not interested this time. Gee, I thought that was what you were doing when you told her to ignore opinions that you don't deem "cool and objective." How helpful is that? I'm quite certain she can make those judgements herself. For instance, sleeping with a loaded pistol. I'm sorry, but I don't remember that coming from any MB materials or from the broadcast addressing this very poster. Also; I have no idea how a person comes back from a sexual assault. Personally, I could never recover from this. What about this marriage is there to save? You can't be intimate with the man and you can't ever feel safe sleeping in the same house with him. What is there to save exactly? ob�jec�tive [uhb-jek-tiv]
noun
1.
something that one's efforts or actions are intended to attain or accomplish; purpose; goal; target: the objective of a military attack; the objective of a fund-raising drive.
2.
Grammar .
a.
Also called objective case. (in English and some other languages) a case specialized for the use of a form as the object of a transitive verb or of a preposition, as him in The boy hit him, or me in He comes to me with his troubles.
b.
a word in that case.
3.
Also called object glass, object lens, objective lens. Optics . (in a telescope, microscope, camera, or other optical system) the lens or combination of lenses that first receives the rays from the object and forms the image in the focal plane of the eyepiece, as in a microscope, or on a plate or screen, as in a camera.
adjective
4.
being the object or goal of one's efforts or actions.
5.
not influenced by personal feelings, interpretations, or prejudice; based on facts; unbiased: an objective opinion.
6.
intent upon or dealing with things external to the mind rather than with thoughts or feelings, as a person or a book.
7.
being the object of perception or thought; belonging to the object of thought rather than to the thinking subject ( opposed to subjective).
8.
of or pertaining to something that can be known, or to something that is an object or a part of an object; existing independent of thought or an observer as part of reality. When you quote MB materials, it is objective advice. Your very first response was guided by your personal feelings, interpretations, and prejudice. What was given on the radio show was objective. Now, I am done. Reply, have the last word, and be satisfied.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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I have a suggestion, HHH. Why don't you allow others to express their opinions and you can express yours? Your own opinion is just as influenced by your personal feelings as anyone else's, but we don't dismiss yours, do we? How "cool and objective" is it of you to arrogantly encourage her to ignore opinions just because you don't happen to like them? She doesn't need you on this thread picking fights and discouraging others to help her. How about we help this poster and lose the arrogance?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have a suggestion, HHH. Why don't you allow others to express their opinions and you can express yours? Your own opinion is just as influenced by your personal feelings as anyone else's, but we don't dismiss yours, do we? How "cool and objective" is it of you to arrogantly encourage her to ignore opinions just because you don't happen to like them? She doesn't need you on this thread picking fights and discouraging others to help her. How about we help this poster and lose the arrogance? Simple, Mel. Because we aren't here to share our opinions, we are here to discuss Marriage Builders. My "opinion" was to; have BB e-mail the radio show, call the coaching center, or enroll in one of the online programs. When MB materials are presented with citation, I will stop "disrupting." Fair enough?
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Recent posts have disrupted this thread. This is not fair to the thread starter, so stop now. Let's get back to Marriage Builders advice.
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I really enjoyed the radio program today. I felt it had valuable advice, and apprciate the opportunity to hear Dr. H talk to your husband.
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