I don't consider time after 8:00 to be babysitting because my kids do not get up after they are in bed. It is the equivalent of them being at a babysitters house. I know that some couples are not as lucky as us in this regard though, so for them they would need to go out to find effective UA time.

See, my girls aren't like this. My 5 yo is always asleep by 8. My 8 yo will sometimes read in bed until 8:30, but she never gets up after being in bed. Like I said we are very lucky in that regard.

But in reality you are babysitting. Kids can and do get up. But you don't have to convince me, it is your marriage, after all. Not mine. I would think you might want to pay close attention to what Dr Harley said to Markos if you are serious, though. If he doesn't think it is effective, I might rethink my strategy.

HS, with a history like this, I think I would be making dang sure I got this one right and not leave anything to chance. I wouldn't take that kind of chance, if I were you. I think you consider this honestly, you might want to ask yourself if staying home babysitting is going to be very effective, especially since you know Dr Harley tells couples he counsels that it is NOT.

I would be asking myself, "what does Dr Harley know that I don't know!??" Just me...

Ok. I just don't see how strolling through the isles of Wal-mart together could possibly be more effective than having a candle light dinner at home, glass of wine in front of the fireplace at home, or intimate time in the shower or jacuzzi at home. But, hey, we will give it a try.

You forgot to add the little part about babysitting. Not too romantic when the kids wake up screaming and you are exhausted.

It's ok, HS, you don't have to try and convince me. The proof will be in the pudding in the quality of your marriage. Good luck..

This post is somewhat deviating from the original topic, but it addresses the notion that spending the UA time away from home and kids is basically the only way to spend it effectively.

What do you do when the spouse does not want to go out at all, i.e. for him, going out is pure misery? His favourite pastime is to be at home, preferably alone or at least without the kids.

We (re?)filled the recreational activities questionnaire half a year ago. Of the hundreds of possible activities, he rated '3' for hot air ballooning (just for the fun of it - never tried, probably never will), '2' for computer games, downhill skiing and go-kart racing (there are no possibilities nearby, as far as I have searched), and '1' for bicycling, computer programming, hiking, judo, rowing, snowmobile and picnicking. Some were marked with 0 as well.

When I ask what could we do when we go out, he says: "You choose, whatever you pick is fantastic" (with the tone saying exactly the opposite). Whenever we have went anywhere (be it a restaurant or a spa, or a play at the theatre, or even a walk in the neighbourhood), I get the feeling that I enjoy it far more than he does and then I start feeling guilty that I have dragged him there.

So it seems to me that in order to make (the UA) time most enjoyable for him, we have to give away the kids for a while and stay at home. Which totally contradicts what ML has said, although I personally tend to agree with her...

Sparkler, when couples start doing this, it feels awkward at first because they have grown so far apart. Being together is no fun for them so they would prefer to stay home and do something they enjoy more. They are no longer each others favorite recreational companion. Let's say a spouse's favorite hobby is playing computer games. At first he is going to be miserable going out with you because he is away from his favorite recreation.

The solution is to keep it up until you fall in love again and learn to enjoy your time together. Just keep thinking back to what you did when you were dating. The more you do this, the more you will enjoy it and the more you will look forward to going out and being together.

The key to motivating your spouse is to do this right. By that I mean if you try and do this just a little bit and ease him into it, he will get discouraged quickly because he won't feel any differently. But if you get his comittment to go out for 15+ hours a week he will feel motivated because he will see a difference. Seeing results is a great motivator. People become discouraged when they don't see results.

Now that I'm no longer working, we will have one day a week together while the children are at school (h always has a day off during the week because he works Saturdays). The problem is that we have a lot of errands that need to be completed during that time (grocery shop, go to gym, oil changes, pick up perscriptions, etc.). If we do those errands together, does that count as effective UA? If so, then we will have no problem having the majority of UA out of the house with no kids. It would be 7 hours just in that day alone.

Actually, I just realized, I can do those errands on my own during other days when kids are at school. Duh. We can use that day to do whatever we want. No problem.

Now you are thinking!!

Thanks...I can't believe I didn't think of it before!

I guess I was just so used to having my 5 yo around during the week. She just started kindergarten last month.

Yes, but .....

Melody, when Dr. Harley was asked if it was required that a couple get out of the house, he told Markos "I'm not going to judge anybody for what they paint on the canvass. If they enjoy it, who am I to object that they are not getting out of the house?"

I am not telling posters the exact opposite of what Dr. Harley told us. He recommends getting out of the house. But it is not a requirement in order to build romantic love -- he does not object to a couple staying home if they both enjoy it.

As a general PRINCIPLE. What I posted above was specific to your situation. So yes, you did tell her the opposite of what he told you about YOUR situation.

The basic problem is that there are so many people that flatly REFUSE to give a serious effort to UA time that they spend most of their time looking for ways to pencil whip it. When a couple falls in love while dating, they are not doing it while sitting home BABYSITTING while they are at their worst and getting interrupted. That is NOT quality UA time. The basic issue here is not that couples can't get out, but that they WON'T because it is not a priority.

And I truly hope you aren't going to come here and support others in finding ways to cut corners, instead of finding ways to get good, quality, effective UA time. That would be a tragedy and a disappointment. Not to mention bad for their marriages.

hurtingstill, just wanted to mention that I heard your email being read to Dr Harley today and he loved your ideas about UA time at home. He did emphasize that all of these conditions have to be present, ie: the meeting of all 4 needs [not just "talking"], no interruptions from kids, ignore household duties, and at a time when you have the most energy. "You have to be doing something recreationally and have lots of energy to do it. The reason I have encouraged ppl to get out of the house is because you generally have more energy and you feel better about everything and you would tend to enjoy your time more. But if you can actually enjoy your time as much at home and have the same amount of energy then I say go for it!"

Here is the clip: here

Anyway, I thought that would make you feel better.

Some weekends, NGB and I make blended Margaritas, lock ourselves in our room, and play strip Rummy.

That covers; RC, IC (and some playful trash talk), Aff... And leads to SF.

4\4 met.

Just an update but we have "bit the bullet" so to speak and have had grandpa babysit for approximately 20 hours (!) this week, it's been quite an experience as we hadn't had more than 1-2 hours away from our son (except husband at work) for almost 2 years. It's been liberating to say the least.

Thanks everyone for nudging me off the cliff that I was too scared to jump off and especially MelodyLane We are a good marriage already so 20 hours instead of 15 I guess is just icing on the cake.

Bravo to you, alis!! Hope you are having a wonderful time.