Showed my wife the thread from the WW who listed the things she never thought of during her affair.

Maybe it was a LB, maybe not, but the eloquence by which she laid out her feelings was beautiful in many ways and I definitely feel my wife has had the same thoughts but doesnt have the ability to write or speak that way.

My wife simply said, "yes".

How is that for openness from my FWW?

In some ways if my wife was a better speaker or writer and could tell or write me her innermost thoughts I might be in a better spot today. Thats why I showed it to her when I thought I wouldnt because I like when she sees others' thought processes are just like hers. However lame and intensely hurtful they are.

I got what I got though.

Mike:

How did you approach showing her? Did you just show it?

Boy, if I would show that to my FWH, he would think I was trying to PUNISH him, to make him feel as low as the FWW who posted. That he needed to grovel more.

I'm pretty sure we're not supposed to rub our FWS's noses in their shame.

Yeah, it's tempting to do it, but a LB methinks for sure.

Or maybe someone else can illuminate on how sharing that FWW's post could NOT be a LB?

Sorry, Mike, just my thoughts ...

Sweetpea

Another thing that has me riding the lows lately is the fact that I have given up or lost nearly all my friends since dday. These are guys and one girl who I have know for 25 years and are my closest friends.

And now that one of them has learned of the her A I have no interest in speaking to him at all and I wont. I have to assume that this tidbit will make the rounds and therefore I have no interest in speaking to any of them.

A few others, however, have no way of learning about it and Ive, for some reason, opted to not speak to them either.

When my wife changed her cell number, for some reason she changed my number too. I neglected to tell any of my long time buddies. Now, certainly they could have called my home or sent emails and havent so some of its on them too. But when your contact info changes, it should behoove me to let them know and 5 months later, I havent.

Not really sure why other than I wont be able to face the friends knowing they know my wife did what she did. It makes me look like less of man particularly since much of her A happened virtually under my nose. Makes me look like a moron, too. Plus maybe nobly Im protecting her from the shame of her actions. Yea, lets go with that.

I was on a long road trip yesterday and during a break I went onto the site and read the post. I debated if I should show it to her or not and after several hours alone in the car, I decided yes she should see it.

My wife lacks the ability to express her feelings like that but I do believe she feels that way, for sure.

It was NOT done to hurt her and yes Ive been down lately, cant deny that here, but after reading it myself, I felt good about things. I learned how hurt some WW are and I wanted my wife not to feel so alone.

I got a better appreciation for the pain a WW feels and permanence of all this.

I said on that WW's thread: people make mistakes.

Its how that act to fix the mistake that is important. Actually all the following posts on that thread were terrific.

Well, if you explained all of that to your WW regarding the post, then it probably wasn't a LB. Hopefully, it let her know how deeply those words touched you, and that they gave you hope.

If reading it made her spiral into a pit of despair, then probably not.

That post hit me hard, too.

Ugh. Betrayal.

She's detected a bit of sadness in me this week and Ive been trying to fight it.

I wanted her to know she's doing everything correctly in making this better but I am lost sometimes.

I said every so often a person WS or BS submits a post that gives me some hope that I can get my head straight, that I can survive this and this woman's post was it. I told her it was written by a WW and if she wanted to read it, she can. No pressure.

She read it and as per usual, didnt have too much to say. But thats the way she is. Cant expect Shakespearian emotion from her.

I sometimes think her inability to emote has something to do with this whole thing. Im not smart enough, though, to link it.

Does she never have anything more to say? Or does she just need time to process?

In any event, I would follow up and say something like: Hey, you didn't really have much to say about that post I talked about. Is it helpful for me to share those with you, or would you rather not? Is there another way for me to express my feelings to you?

And see what she says.

A silent woman. I think my FWH would LOVE it if I were a little more silent some days!

Dont get me wrong, she a major chatterbox on things that really dont matter: sales at the store, gossip around town, and the like.

On her infidelity, she's said all she can say Im sure is what her response would be. I get a lot of "Im so sorry".

Therefore, to go with further question as you suggest would indeed be the love busting stuff.

Hmmm. Why is asking her to meet the "open" of O&H love busting? You're not asking her to talk about her affair. Just her feelings. Or am I splitting hairs?

If she really has no other thought than "I'm sorry," I would wonder about the "H" part of open and honest.

Can't remember where I read it here, but if she's trying to "spare" your feelings, she's setting herself up for disaster.

Sorry, Mike. This has me flummoxed.

Don't bring up her affair again. Ask her her feelings about TODAY or very recent events. Not the affair.

Look, your wife isn't you. She didn't have the awful experience you had. The affair sucked in certain ways, but she did what she did because she loved the guy. Truth is, she might even still have feelings for him. That's the kind of answer you're going to get if she's totally open & honest with you. That's not the kind of answer that's going to be USEFUL in this case. And your previous reactions to that kind of disclosure were almost certainly not pleasant or safe. No wonder she doesn't want to ignite yet another "Mike makes me feel awful about myself until I say I'm sorry again" session!

Those kinds of conversations suck Love Bank units BIG TIME. Stop them.

Keep your eye on the ball: how is she feeling today? What are her plans for tomorrow? What did she do yesterday? Focus on drawing her out with lots of little things. If the time comes that she has a "Come to Jesus" moment about the affair, she'll talk with you about it if you've laid the groundwork that she can talk about anything else without recrimination. But at the rate your going with what I've seen in this thread, she can't discuss it because of how you treat her when she does.

It's a little two-by-four. A month ago I was suggesting to no longer make any mention of the affair and apparently I've got to push the same thing again. You're going to push her away if you keep it up.

You may think that just asking her to read about another WW's story is innocuous. I submit she feels very strongly that it's a selfish demand and -- if she doesn't already -- will very soon resent that kind of "let me educate you, read this" action deeply.

I asked her before I read your post if reading that thread upset her in any way and we have an honesty thing going and lord knows im honest so expect she is as well. She said not at all. I told her why I thought shemay get something out of it. I know she knows im sad at times so maybe you're right and making her read that was a passive aggressive non AO AO. I never thought of it that way.

Thanks.

YW. I never quite thought of it as a passive-aggressive non-AO AO before myself... at least not in those terms. But I've learned about myself that whenever I really want my wife to listen or read something, it's usually a selfish demand or disrespectful judgment in disguise. I want to "educate" her or "straighten her out" on something, and use the article/radio show/etc. to try to teach.

It's a technique I commonly use at work, but there I'm not really concerned about building a loving relationship. It's better for me to talk about how the show, post, or article made me feel, and then if she wants the link she'll ask for it. Rather than me "suggesting" (read: demanding) she listen/read...

I understand.

I show her virtually nothing from this website. She doesnt come here on her own. So, very few occasions when I get moved by someone's post I ask her ahead of time if she'd like to read it. I frame the idea of the post for her and this time it was a rare WW post that moved me. I read the title to her and she never is obligated to read it.

The few times that infidelity itsself becomes a topic if its in the news or televsion show were watching and then I always tell her it THAT makes me feel. I dont give her any printouts of the dozens and dozens of infidelity news ariticles and stories I read each month. Im not interested in educating her.

If its important to me, I have to believe she'd see why after reading it.
I can see what your saying.

"In a sacred ground like marriage, you find yourself out of it at certain times for reasons unknown that can be destructive," the actor told TV Week, according to Usmagazine.com. "There could be a demon that kind of comes out and overtakes you."

--Some actor I really never heard of who cheated on his Playboy bunny wife with Rachel Uchitel, Tiger Woods' mistress.

He was horny and weak. And Rachel has absolutely no compunction with sleeping with married guys. Its her thing.

YOU didn't commit adultery!!......why should you be embarrassed or shamed?!
My WW had her sleazy A under my nose too....I gave her trust and freedom.....she rewarded me with dishonesty and betrayal.
SHE has to live with that!....not me!
After I exposed the A to our friends my WW went nuts!
She STILL won't have any communication with me....so be it.
The Friends I care about the most have voiced overwhelming support for me and disappointment in her!
As a result.....my Wife won't show her face. She only deals with those people who will tell her what she wants to hear!
I have been honored with the ongoing support from my Friends.
YOU are NOT the guilty party!!.....don't accept the guilt!
Your manhood is intact!
Help YOURSELF!!......don't hold yourself back from supportive friends.
Give those friends the opportunity to support you....if they don't support you, were they really your friends?

All good points Bill. Its the normal guy talk that will take on new meaning.

Another dude having ones wife as long as he had mine would be truly too much for me tell my buddies. They'd understand and support but I still don't want them to know. And since some may know I decided to not contact them anymore.

Affair fallout.

MSS, I'd urge you not to immediately think one has to go "open kimono" when the idea of asking for support to recover from infidelity is raised.

No one is suggesting you must supply dates, durations, venues, positions and variations to anyone. A simple "Mrs MSS had an affair with a POSOM and we're working hard to put the pieces back together. I'd like to ask your help in the following area......" would be more than enough to enlist the aid of marriage-supportive persons.

If you recall from my story, there was such a person, who I was forced to contact for an absolutely ridiculous reason, having nothing to do with asking for her help. She was a god-send, to FWW initially, and our marriage eventually.

I see your point NG. I haves my canned reply should someone ask me if the rumor were true. And its like your reply. In harmless "guy" talk tho, when one would say things like 'your wife looks good id love to..." the dynamic changes with mrs. Mss. I used to love this repartee with my buddies that my wife has taken from me. It was pure lockerroom talk that hurt no one.


Its this reason those guys can't know and some have learned of it and I now avoid them.

HERO

hero [heer-oh]

Noun:

A person, typically a man, who is admired for courage or noble qualities.
The chief male character in a book, play, or movie, who is typically identified with good qualities.

Synonyms: character

"With great power comes great responsibility"- Uncle Ben

Truth is Im not enjoying being a hero. There's really no glory. It's a life that is mixed with angst and pride swallowing in order to protect my kids. I spend a lot of time minimizing my wife's affair. I guess i should be grateful that she has put it behind her and is a model wife. Outside that is terrific, inside my head not so much.

If that defines a hero in matrimonial infidelity recovery, call me Empty Shell Man.

Mike,

Is she being a "model wife" because she is genuinely remorseful and loves you? Or does she act this way in more of a rug-sweeping manner?

I've read both your threads, and I believed she was sincere. Are you beginning to think she isnt?

I might be looking too much into this, of course, and I apologize if I'm misreading something.