For as long as you need to. You may hear something on the VAR within a few days, or it may be a few weeks. Some people never find anything because their wayward contacts the OP in other ways. Just stay diligent, don't behave suspiciously by running out to the car when he can see you, and don't let him find it.

He is in withdrawal from the other woman right now. You're at great risk of a recurrence of the affair. You're not in Recovery right now. You're fighting an affair only recently discovered. It is possible for the two of them to have taken the affair underground.

Expect his withdrawal to last up to six months from the date of his last contact. And I recommend asking a moderator to move this thread to the Surviving An Affair forum for the duration.

As words of advice, meet his emotional needs, and spend at least fifteen hours ALONE WITH EACH OTHER per week meeting the needs of Intimate Conversation, Recreational Companionship, Sexual Fulfillment, and Affection. Even though it will be rough while he's in withdrawal, the alternatives are worse.

RMK, have you put a VAR in his car yet?

One additional piece of advice: if you discover the affair recurs, leave his butt IMMEDIATELY. Take your kids (if any) and spare yourself the health and mental complications that will accompany the stress of living with an active wayward.

Okay I think I have discovered everything now. No contact with affair person but flirtation relationship with someone at work that has now been ended. I have access to his work email, have got a running list of landline access etc. I believe all is out there now. He is angry all his freedom and privacy are gone. I talked to the neighbor who he was flirting with also. It gets down to the fact that he detached from us and began acting like a single guy, testing the waters. Now that everything is over How do I get him to re-engage. He is going through his own withdrawal, anger and depression. But I have my own profound sadness I am dealing with. How do I keep trying when he is still in withdrawal and isn't sure what he wants. How do I stay happy and positive to meet his emotional needs when all I want to do is roll up in a ball and cry. We are now reading how to survive and affair. We have both taken the emotional needs assessment and are going to take the love busters assessment this weekend. I just feel like we are in a state of limbo and I don't know how to move forward. How do I keep from feeling hopeless when right now there doesn't appear to be any light at the end of the tunnel. He continues to say this is important to work at and he will go to counseling and continue reading the books. I just can't get beyond the sadness of what has happened and how to get out of it.

You:

• See your doctor and get on some antidepressants. You have Situational Depression right now, and your doctor will understand you need something to blunt the emotions so you can think logically for the next few months to a year.
• Only see a counselor if they are well-versed in MarriageBuilders. MB is about 50% effective at saving troubled marriages; traditional marriage counseling is about 15% effective.
• The AD meds will help a ton with helping you think logically and rationally at present.
• Be prepared to wait a while for his withdrawal to end. It's most important the two of you learn to avoid the Love Busters in your marriage. No demands, disrespect, or angry outbursts from either of you!

Him:

• He'll be in Withdrawal for a while. His anger will fade in time.
• He must avoid all Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgments, and Selfish Demands. If he engages in any of them, remove yourself from his presence immediately.
• His focus must be on being completely transparent with you. Sit down together daily at the same time -- say, 8:33 PM -- and ask each other "how did you feel today?" or "tell me about your day". He should focus on who he talked with, what he talked about, what he thought about, and what plans he made.

Look, the alternative to spending the time together when he's in Withdrawal is to spend that time apart. And that wouldn't help your marriage. So for the next few months, do your level best to meet his needs and avoid Love Busters while encouraging him to do the same.

It's also reasonable to write your spouse a letter detailing what you need from the relationship in order to be willing to proceed. Avoid all disrespect or demands in such a letter, but be very frank about what you can and cannot live with. Remember most men are "fixers" -- they want to fix what's broken -- so review such a letter to ensure that you make no statements that don't have some "fix" he can apply. Like telling him "I'm so depressed right now" won't help at all. Telling him "I would feel safer and happier if you did ....", on the other hand, is exactly the right kind of statement. Keep it short, and keep it very direct so that he knows EXACTLY what he needs to do in order to keep you.

Not saying you have to write a letter, but it helps a lot of people to lay down what they're willing to live with and what they won't. Read Dr. Harley's "When To Call It Quits" articles for some guidance on this.

RMK, can you please answer:

Have you installed a VAR in the car? Also how about a keylogger?

Yes VAR but not the key logger he very seldom is on our home computer. He does not have a lap top or iPad. Nothing on the VAR to note so far.

I have an MD appointment scheduled. All good suggestions. Thanks.

RMK,

It's been a year since I discovered my H's affair. I had suspected it for quite some time and even had proof of a sexual text message to OW several months into his telling me he "thought we would be better off apart" etc... After finding the text and exclaiming I was NOT going to be in a marriage with him prowling, said it was nothing, it was over, just this/just that.... and declared he would work on the marriage with me, even though his heart was not in it. We went to counseling. Well, I went. He went once and that was it.

Long story short, not only was the affair not ended, it went from a long distance EA to a PA. He acted as if he was working on the marriage, but he wasn't. He wasn't committed at all.

I know you are hurting and that the last thing you feel like doing is acting like superwoman. Here's the thing though: you've got to come out of your own fog so you can take actions that are necessary to save your marriage! I'm glad you've got the appt. AD's really helped me stay sane. Follow all the great advice you've been given here about the snooping.

Exposing the affair in my case ended it pretty quickly. As soon as it was ended, my H snapped out of his fantasy world in short time. Oh, it got worse before it got better...I made him leave the house when he would not commit to ending the affair and being 100% into recovery. However, it was not long better he saw the light.

Other than working on the surveillance, you need to really watch how you are behaving at home. In my opinion, you shouldn't push marriage recovery material until he is actually committed fully to your future. It will do no good.

Make sure to check out Plan A and be ready for exposure and possibly Plan B.

For now, you need to do some "acting". You need to act happy, confident, not concerned about the future...show only your strengths...work on YOU. A lot of the problem in these situations is that there has been a tremendous loss of respect. He can't be in love with you if he does not respect you. He can not respect you if you don't respect yourself!

Make sure you are not pursuing your H or trying to manipulate him into staying with you. It doesn't the opposite - pushes him away. I think he probably needs to see how AWESOME RMK is as an individual once again.

Sorry you are going through this.

RMK, please just download a keylogger right now. If you have to pay for it, make sure the bill does not go to a statement that your H reads. If he reads all the household statements, then try a free one. Look on Operation Investigate for various reports of their efficiency.

My H NEVER used the home computer for anything, and also does not have a laptop. He had reluctantly got used to technology in the workplace, but he was not going to give into it at home. Also, he hated the difference between the Mac at home and the workplace PC and would make an issue of never touching the Mac.

However, he continued the emotional side of his affair for 5 years after the physical side ended. I had no way of providing that this was happening, but suspected it because of all the false recoveries I had suffered.

All their contact had only ever been via the workplace. My H does not have a mobile phone even now, and would never have dreamed of using our landline - he knows the bill is itemised. His OW lives abroad, BTW, so they had simply had to get used to talking to, but not seeing, each other, for long periods.

There was literally nothing to spy on in our home, but I spied anyway. I installed a keylogger to catch the one slip that I knew he would make if they were in touch in any way - and he made it. Six months after the installation, he sent OW an email from home, because he was about to retire and she would need a new address on which to contact him.

The email I intercepted this year proved that they had not seen each other for five years, but also that they were planning to meet in a few months when OWH retired abroad and left her alone in the marital home.

Please think the worse of a FWS until long after you have evidence that he or she is affair-proofing your marriage. Never say to your self that "it isn't worth spying because..."

It is ALWAYS necessary to spy until the high of the affair has worn off and you can see that your FWS is really "former", in thought and deed.

installed desktop shark. it was free for three days. but as he does all of our billing I can't pay for one because he will see the charge. I don't know how else to go around this. Any thoughts for others once my three days runs out

When you go grocery shopping buy a visa gift card along with your groceries. Use it to pay for the stuff you don't want your H seeing right now.

In fact, it is not a bad idea to get used to doing this in case things go south - get small gift cards and stash them for use when you can. I would never recommend this in a healthy marriage as financial fidelty is important! But, you must do everything in your power to catch this affair.

SunnyD's suggestion is brilliant.

Have you had a look on the spying forum, as I suggested?

Good idea, Sunny!

Yes I did that is how I got the idea for the desk top shark. so far working really. well. spied on my kids too

We are spending basically every minute other then when he is at work. nothing on the VAR, nothing on work mail and nothing on cell phone so far. Is it possible the affair is truley over and he is just in depression that is why he remains apathetic? How long do I waste my time snooping for answers that may be aren't there when I could be spending that time working on the relationship. If he is just in withdrawal won't this end soon. Taking all precautions to make sure it ends and continue to monitor. For argument sake lets say the affair is over - what to do now. We are reading how to survive an affair, spending as close to 15 hours together as possible. Taking the love busters assessment tomorrow and the emotional needs assessment Sunday. Work out together in between, go shopping and then fix dinner. How do I continue this path when he is flat, no feeling, going through the motions, sometime angry, sometimes just sad. It is so hard to witness when I am hurting so much as well. Yet I have to put on a happy face and smile through it all. MD appointment could not get into until 10/31. In the mean time how to function. What to do next afte the assessments and continued spying?

RMK-

i have not posted to you but someting just keeps naging at me.

i found out about OW#? in feb, then more in marchish. H was reading all the materials here and we had the books. but he just wasnt there. so a good friend NW suggested i say are you in or not. if you in you have to tell me everything. then the flood gates opened. and it all came out that there were many more skeltons in the closet.

once he layed it all out he began to recover there had been NC with anyone since Feb, but he was still draging the lies with him till may.

so what i am saying if you are 100% sure there is NC, he could just be hiding more that he is scared to tell you.

just my thoughts. sorry

oh dont stop snooping.

Thanks those are the things I keep asking. I make it as safe as I can to let him tell me things. I say the worst has happened, you slept with another woman, there can't be any worse thing then that. I honestly do believe that. If there were more affairs it just piles on the hurt that is already there. No different hurt just more of the same. He appears abundantly honest about his feelings and the details of his secret life, that he just detached from our life, envisioned singled life as the only answer and behaved in that mindset - functioning in a bubble. He is now struggling with his secret life being discovered and out in the open. His freedom and privcy are gone and that is a new feeling as he had become accustomed to the freedom for so long - 2 to 3 years. Affair was 6 months but the mindset was there much longer. It appears like withdrawal from the fantasy. He says he just can't flip the switch and be back in love me with me just like that. He says he wants to see if that can happen by doing the things Dr. Hardley and his wife suggest. He says it is hard to fully engage as our habits at living a separate life were so ingrained in our behaviors, now that everything is out and on the table it is just hard to start doing everything immediately. He is doing the things I ask and without me nagging. Reading the book, going to counseling, talking to his doctor about reducing his Zoloft, stopping the Affair, sending the NC email, discontinuing yahoo account, blocking her numbers, blocking her email, telling me the first time she contacted him, getting STD tested after I found out, telling our kids, telling his parents, stopping the flirtations at work, stopping the flirtatous texting with the neighbor, spending 15 hours a week together, texts and emails me from work each day, participates in recreational activities etc. I am snooping like crazy and in the process it's driving me crazy too. VAR is in the car, scared to death that he will find it and go off. Hacked into his work email last night thanks to the key logger and have everything there so I think I am as positive as I ever can be that there is NC with OW or an flirtations going on. I will continue to snoop.

I am just stuck waiting in limbo for him to do more in the way of meeting my emotional needs. So far I am meeting his emotional needs much better than previously but he can't seem to take larger steps at meeting mine, other than what I said he is doing above. It is hard to do everything for someone else's needs and get very little in return at meeting my emotional needs. Any thoughts on how long this withdrawal takes. How long I should wait for him to start meeting my emotional needs. thanks

how do I ask a moderator to move this to the Surviving an Affair forum