Hmm... Trying to keep something like this a secret just to protect yourself definitely would

You need to protect your ASSets. So listen to your lawyer. The thing is WW did the crime while you were still married. It can be argued in court that D after the fact was just to protect your money and you may still have to pay in the end.

I would still get the D because you will most likely be able to not have to fork over much to WW if done with this before the dust settles and WW will then better be able to think about her long term financial needs and start to grab for all of your money you have.

Also baloney you moving out of your home. WW had the affair. WW wants separation tell her she can move out.

LL, you are not helping the kids in any way by going to live in the apartment. They need their father very much right now. You are the only sane person in their lives. She needs to be the one who goes. Please stop this protecting her from the consequences of her bad behavior. It is not good for any of you.

Since you are getting divorced, she needs to move out and live there anyway. She is obviously not going to get to keep the house or maintain custody of the children when you get divorced so it makes sense to get these arrangements set up now.

Staying in this apartment as you are only sets a standard for future legal precedents. Please stop contributing to your demise. It doesn't help you, your wife or your kids.

Is your plan to divorce her on paper and then stay with her? I am not sure what the plan is and why you are going through all this. If you divorce her, you can still be sued because you were married at the time that you aided and abetted her child molestation.


She molested a child, for God's sake. Please wake yourself up! When women are lonely they call up their mothers, they don't molest children.

I talked to my lawyer and I don't have much to worry about, as far as being sued. Given the circumstances, there has been no damages. Divorce is not needed at this time.

"She molested a child, for God's sake." is what I think about alot, her character.

If necessary I takes mere hours to transfer your assets into a holding company. Get a good business lawyer to set things up quickly for you. A couple of days is all that it really needs to take.

But you can take the wind right out of their sails by going to the parents and informing them of the situation.

This will explode, and if you wait too long, it will explode in your face, and you lose control of the situation. You need to do damage control not by sitting back, but by taking the situation into your hands.

So what is your plan, LL?

I am going to call my Pastor first, but....
I just don't want to do this to the kids but I think I should get a divorce.

But then I feel I should show her mercy as God has shown me. I was an alcoholic once, I believe anyway, but I am not one now. So should I be an outcast as I would make my wife?

I don't know what to do, Melody. My problem is that I am scared of making the wrong choice and my kids will suffer even more.

You should only get a divorce if you a certain imo. Otherwise you will second guess yourself right the way through.

The same is true of letting her back in! She has to prove herself, accept the consequences of her A and give you a firm foundation to believe in.

Right now you have no reason to think well of her. She could change that in the right circumstances.

Why dont you just work the plans and make a decision in six months. I think in the early months of betrayal you are too much on the rollercoaster - up one day and down the next - to make permanent decisions.

In the plans, you are healing yourself and giving her the best chance to save herself. It is up to her. You will judge her on her actions and come to a decision in time. If and when you do D her you will know that you did everything you could and she just failed to see the opportunity to change her ways.

When you were an alcoholic it was up to you. People gave you time to get yourself out of addiction and judged you on your actions towards doing that.

I am sure people knowing that you were an alcoholic created accountability for you - THAT is what exposure is all about.

Addiction and cheating are very similar so you should have a good insight.

Let me ask it another way...

LL, Do you WANT your wife? Do you want to stay married to her and work to repair the marriage?

CV

"I don't know what to do, Melody. My problem is that I am scared of making the wrong choice and my kids will suffer even more."

HOW ON EARTH CAN TELLING THE PARENTS OF A MINOR THAT THEIR CHILD HAS BEEN MOLESTED, MANIPULATED AND ABUSED BE A WRONG CHOICE???????????

What kind of world are we living in if you even consider that an option is to not tell them?????????????????????????

I've read this thread, and can stay silent no longer. If this were a female minor, you'd be ALL OVER IT....or maybe not?

YOUR KIDS?? Yes, tell them the truth and protect them, but never from the truth. Are you kidding me??

Sorry, but I don't give one flying crap about LL and if he wants his wife, marriage, etc. at this moment. To me, all after-the-fact.

Parents need to know right now. My God, if it were MY kid? And, you knew and didn't tell me?

I'd be , well, I won't say what "I'd be".

It sickens me that this is even a discussion/debate/decision. And, I don't care if it's criminal or not. The parents of this boy need to know this yesterday.

What the h-ll is wrong with you, LL??? You HAVE CHILDREN. What if this happened to one of yours?

Truth = good

Lying/hiding/misleading people = bad.

I cant break it down further than that

Indiegirl, great post. I really appreciate your wisdom. Made me smile. :-)

CV, why the hard question! ;-)
I do want to for the kids.
If we had no kids her clothes would be on fire in the front lawn right now.
But this isn't just about me, it's about the family. The kids need a family and I can do it if she is on board. Right now she is too much of a chicken sh....plat to move forward in ANY direction, imho. Patients, I just need patients. Hence I reread Indie's post.

I will forgive my wife 70 times 7. I will, God has for me and I will for her.

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

The kids need a firm demonstration on the consequences of poor actions.

Show me the money, luckylad.

"But then I feel I should show her mercy as God has shown me. I was an alcoholic once, I believe anyway, but I am not one now. So should I be an outcast as I would make my wife?"

WHAT?????????? As a former alcohlic, then you would know about making amends to those that you have harmed, and honesty and accountablity.

Translate what you said to if she'd robbed a senior citizen of their last monthly paycheck. Horrible. Would you feel she'd be an outcast then? Would you hide that so as not to persecute her? Think of a million other heartless "minor" crimes in media terms. Smack on the face and a purse-snatch, robbed in an alley at gunpoint, etc.

Now, think of just one of those crimes against your own child. And, the guy across the street knows about it and doesn't tell you. And, you can't figure out what's going on with your kid as he's giddy and then despondent, happy and then depressed.

"giddy and then despondent, happy and then depressed."

Above is what happens to ADULTS in affairs (no,she just didn't trip over his penis one day...it took a lot of conversations, lovey texts, etc.), much less a minor boy who is emotionally incapable of handling such a sitiution. For God sake's, adults do crazy, rash things when emotions run so high.

I just don't get it, LL. I just don't.

There would be zero sleep or food for me until I told the parents of this boy. Your WW is very low on the list of care in my book.

Enjoy those assets you are protecting. Makes me sick to my stomach.

Do you mean divorce?

immoral behaviour = loss of reputation and people telling you to pack it in.

Usually shunned by society if they refuse.

Those are the consequences we all face if we decide to start going out and doing minors. Or anything else seedy and wrong.

And yes a D - a tough one, no buddy buddy stuff - is a consequence she also faces if she cannot undo what she has done and make you trust her.

Its fine to tell her that.

'

Your "forgiveness" is very, very inappropriate and harmful to your wife and your marriage. Forgiveness is warranted when she repents. That is the standard God uses with us and the standard he expects us to use with others. Your wife has not repented. She is still lying about her crime and has not made amends or faced any consequences. She is being protected from that by you.

The unconditional "love" [ie: enabling] you have shown her is not only unChristian, but it is bad for her and leads to expectations of entitment on her part. This kind of treatment invites abuse and neglect.

And even if your wife were repentant, she should not be protected from the consequences like this. That is harmful to her as a person and to your marriage.

I get the feeling that you believe it is in your son's best interest in stay in an abusive, loveless marriage and I am going to disagree with you. All you are doing is role modeling irresponsible behavior by enabling your wife's reckless behavior. There is no virtue in marriage at all costs. None. It just teaches your boys to be doormats and does not teach the real meaning of love. Enabling is not love.

Dr Harley addresses how destructive this kind of "forgiveness" is for marriages:
show on forgiveness
Part 1
Part 11

This article also explains this very well:

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

I am an alcoholic too. But God does not pass out cheap, unwarranted forgiveness. He forgives those who repent.

\
Your kids will suffer. But they will suffer more if you don't do the right thing. They need ONE parent who will stand up and do the right thing. The right thing to do is go to those parents and tell them the truth. The right thing to do is to tell your children the truth. Stop hurting your wife and your children by hiding her crime. You are helping her remain in a fallen state by enabling her hiding of this crime.

You know the right thing to do. You know.

I'll say one more thing, LL, and then I'm out. Somehow I think you have no intention of doing anything other than what you and your attorney are doing right now.

If I were married to a person who molested a child I would get my kids far, far away from them. That person is dangerous to children.

I would also consider it my duty as a human to let that child's parents know, so they can take care of that child. Children have been known to commit suicide in the aftermath of an event such as the one you've described.