You know what, NG??? Guess who has had grilling duty for the past 2 years......ME! Is that totally unfair or what? Yeah...I rue the day we discovered our gas stove top had an adapter to become an indoor grill.....

OK: it doesn't help that my steak is better than hubby's. It really is. lol. (He admits it.) HOWEVER....his is fine! More than fine. But yes, he managed to even get out of grilling.

This isn't all on him though. I let it become that way. If I do say so myself, I am an excellent chef. I am often told I should make it a career, but I prefer it as a hobby. But... It's time to make a plan of action, for sure. Just don't have the time I used to.

Congratulations on your submission. I'll have to check it out!

On a sad note, my husband just called from the office. One of his co-workers, a good friend, lost his baby. Well, his wife did...during labor. Very, very sad.... She had such a rough pregnancy and they've gone through a lot. My H was actually choked up when he called. I told him that one of the things I love about him is that he is compassionate - and he's a good friend.

I will be focusing on meeting his needs tonight... not asking for anything. He deserves it: rough week at work (been a lot of layoffs and turmoil) and now this.

My brooding the last few days feels like pettiness at the moment!

Will be praying for your husband and his friends family

Thanks, CP!

H and I have had a nice couple of nights. We discussed the dinner situation but I didn't bring anything big into it. Still getting my ducks in a row...been busy studying for some huge exams.

This weekend...ugh...I'm still not looking forward to it. Bad anti-versaries. The good part is, after this week the anniversaries get better.

I rue the day we discovered our gas stove top had an adapter to become an indoor grill.....

Okay, then, time to get sneaky! (BTW: This is direct from the Practical Wife's Handbook. Find your copy....)

Several years ago (pre-NG-cooking) my bride bought me FOR FATHER'S DAY, one of those mongo-hugeo Weber gas grills. I mean, the thing is about the size of a Cooper Mini!

There are VERY few men who can resist the simultaneous lures of:
1 - activating a large piece of hardware,
2 - consuming fossil fuel, and
3 - acting the part of a primitive Neanderthal, searing a piece of raw meat!

And as it's covered, we (I) use it all year long. A quick shot of single-malt, a rapid trudge through the snow to turn the meat, and a dash back in for more single-malt -- life does not get any more male-confirming.

LOL, NG!!! LOVE the pic!!!

We were at Home Depot last night and actually looked at grills!!!
(Which is why the dinner converation came up.)

We are SOOOO getting one! And, being in Texas, we don't even have the bad weather to contend with. Plus, H can play with our 2 big polar bears in the backyard while he's grilling (our 2 white, 11 month old German Shepherds) which he loves to do. Have to be careful though: my dog growing up loved to find ways to sneak stuff off the grill if my dad turned his head even for a minute. lol

Looking up the Practical Wife's Handbook now....... it might have to be researched before my Korean war project this weekend....

Had a GREAT conversation with H. We are going to devote a day to going back over our EN's and cover any LB's. Both of us are on the same page that our LB's are very minimal, so that's good. We need to make some changes in EN's though, and ensuring they aren't getting glossed over because of our time commitments in other areas.

We have a very nice weekend plan which will help with the anti-versaries. We are also planning a getaway for the two of us at the end of the month.

SO... thank you to all for helping get me back on track.


I did tell H that I would like for him to take the lead on this. He may be reluctant, but he is doing a good job of saying how he feels and getting out there what he wants from this. He doesn't want it to be a job. He doesn't want to rehash the past. I told him this is MORE THAN FINE. I don't want it to be either. I need to feel secure that we are staying the course, however.

Anyway... I think it went well.

Yay!

Now are you gonna be comfortable talking to him about how you feel? About how you don't feel that he understands?

I would broach those subjects with a time limit, and a plan of time during the week when you can tell him. I know, I know, when the time comes and you up at bat, they will probablt fly right out of your head. This is why a journal or note book should handy, for those times when you are alone, to write down these thoughts, so they can be discussed at the right time.

Then when there is resalution<sp>, whatever it takes, you can know when you are around him you are on the same page, think the same thoughts about it, and triggers will not bother you as much. As a matter of fact triggers that hurt each other, will be avoided, because of this awareness, triggers will be a reminder of past pain conquered, instead of current pain not dealt with.

You can allways spend time disscussing what the meanings of the specific ENs mean to you, individually, as different people. This is something that is lost many times when the relationship starts getting bogged down with the details of life. Carreers, kids, and time spent not talking about the dreams in life, and what you are looking for, can be swept aside for those emergency needs of the kids, the job, the pampers, the milk, the dinner, SF, go to sleep, wake up and do it again.

You need the dreams to keep the romance alive IMO, and like a child sharing thier heart with thier friend, sharing your dreams is what it is all about. Entusiastic Agreement really touchs on this in the Policy Of Joint Agreement. You may agree, but not really understand all the details of why certain things are desired. It is important that when something is sold to the other party, that they share thier feelings and deep convictions also, thier dreams and ideals, thier soul. Then they can set the boundaries that they will accept also, and how much they will allow.

Of course this should be reality based, and that also is part of the challange and conflict in communication, but that is good, that you have conflict, its what makes us grow, as long as you are constant in your desire for mutual care, and patientce, things will work out in the end to the best decision.

Many people understand what the book says about POJA, O&H, Enthusiastic agreement as good ideas. But how do you get to Carnagie Hall? Practice..

Because each of us is so individual, and every relationship is also so individual and different, every marriage is also, and it will become even more special and individual as you practice all the principles, that Dr H has found, are the ones that the successful marriges practice also.

No two people are alike, and no two marriges are alike, but we have in our power to get to know each other more deeply than any other person on earth, and care for each other, respect each other, with all the warts and blemishes also, that make us fallible human beings.

Who else but God does this? I am sure you will work this out, you sound good, and remember you get out of it what you put into it, "You reap what you sow"

I did tell him somewhat how I felt but at the same time, was careful to talk more about actions we can commit to rather than me just dumping feelings. But....yes....I still have other feelings to address and need to do so. Most of it won't be hard. There are a few things though I think will bein a sense - because part of me has not wanted to make myself totally vunerable. I believe I am ready to do that now. Setting a time limit is a good idea, CP. I've journaled a lot so it shouldn't be a problem!

As for discussing goals/dreams...it's funny you should mention that. H and I went to dinner and a movie last night and I brought up that very thing! When we went on our marriage retreat weekend last year we had to do some of that for homework. I thought it was a great exercise! I can't remember if it was from FILSIL or another book that we used that weekend but there was a whole bunch of questions we had to answer for each other. It included not only goals but favorite memories, most embarrassing moments... all stuff designed to make you really get to know your inner partner. Sounds like a Harley concept so I wouldn't doubt it if it was part of his works. Some stuff is jumbled in my mind from last year so I can't remember for sure.

You're absolutely right, you DO get out what you put in and H and I need more practice!

I'm glad we had a good night out though. We needed it.

grats on that BTW, Smell the roses I agree

Sunny:

You've been busy while I was on vacation. I'm so glad to see that you and your FWH have made plans to help with the antiversaries. AND to deal with your domestic load while you're in school.

Great job!

Cheers,
Sweetpea

Thanks, SweetPea!

All in all we had a really good weekend, and I'm glad it is over! It's odd to think that a year ago the OW called me and tried threatening me, etc... When I look back I try to take the positive from it: I found out what I'm made of. I read a saying once that says, "You don't know how strong you are until you have to be..." It's true. I found out I am tough as nails! Of course, I had help!

H is taking this Friday off so we can have the whole day together without kids to reassess our needs, etc... His idea.

Also, my feelings right now are VERY positive and I am back in the "in love zone" once again. The thing is, it's not just him doing things for me, but watching him in action this past week in his dealings with others. I was reminded of why I fell for him in the first place. He's caring, compassionate, and takes the time to appreciate others. I watched him go introduce himself to a 90+ year old man and his son at a restaurant because he knew by the hat the old man was wearing that he served in WWII. Quite a story. He talked with them both for 5-10 minutes and paid for their meal - and introduced me and our youngest son afterwards.

I also watched him stop and get a dog that was running around lost, take him to our house, feed/water him, and go look for signs to see if anyone was looking for him.

H also helped out someone at work that needed it.

I watched H smile and occupy a small child a bit who was getting fussy.... and get a little watery eyed in a part of a movie that was emotional....

Oh, he's also very manly too - I should add that! LOL

BUT....his kindness and thoughtfulness towards others really boost my respect for him.

Sounds like a winner SD :-)

Sunny!

I got a little teary-eyed reading your list about why you were in love zone again. Sounds like a very special guy you have. Keep hold of those thoughts!!

And come here to [censored] and get a boost!!!

Cheers,
SP

Sunny,

That's what you already typed before that... :-)

You make a very good point, CV! I guess I felt I needed to add that after saying he was watery-eyed at the movies. lol

And yes, Constant - he's a winner. When I keep these actions of his in the forefront instead of the bad stuff from the affair, it is not hard to stay in the love zone.

SweetPea also makes a good point because I know there are times when I don't do that and I am reminded instead of the past instead of the wonderful man I can see in front of me.

I look back and the man that my husband became when involved with OW was NOT this man. He wasn't kind. He thought only of himself - not other people. He was not connected to his children even, much less trying to connect with strangers. Well, he connected with OW... and he was very giving towards her - but no one else. (And yes, that still makes me mad!)

In fact, I'm sure he's giving nature is why he wanted to understand and sympathize with OW in the first place. She sold him a bill of goods that her husband was abusive - just as he sold her a bill of goods that I was - well, whatever he made me out to be. I'm not even sure - I just know it was negative.

Part of me is still afraid that I will see Bad Mr. Sunny again - and I don't want to ever lay eyes on him! THIS Mr. Sunny, however, is why I fought.

Sunny:

I like how you turned your statement of fear around: The new Mr. Sunny is why you fought.

I ... LOVE ... THAT.

Really taps into my issue of staying married to someone who cheated. I mean, how could I stay, right?

But FWH is worth it. He's caring, handsome, intelligent, funny, adventurous, hard-working, sincere, a great dad, an awesome cook and a wonderful partner.

And now, post affair, he's also less selfish, more in control and in-tune with his emotions, totally open and, well, still handsome!

So that's the guy I fought for (though I sure wish he'd had this last burst of personal growth without nearly killing me).

But if this is the man I get for the rest of my life? I'll take it!

Agree?

Exactly, SweetPea!

This is what we must take and carry on with us - that our husbands had some GREAT characteristics, pre-affair, that motivated us to fight for our marriages. The changes that have come because of the crisis makes them even better men: men willing to face what they did and do better because of it.

I respect my husband for coming back and working for his family. I know in ways it would've been easier to run and just move on.

This morning I was upset. We were supposed to have today together to go over our ENs and such. (I mentioned it above.) Well, H took Wednesday off because of some things that had to be done that day and then could not get today off.

Anyway, H asked me why I was upset. THe conversation that ensued would NEVER have happened pre-affair. I'm still upset that our day is being put off, but he knows why and what is important to me. I just don't want to see lip service given without follow through!

We will be rescheduling!

In the meantime, I am just trying to be thankful that we had the tools this morning to have a reasonable discussion of things. Before, I would have pouted - kept it inside - he would've sensed something wrong and just rolled his eyes (inwardly, of course) and went about his business.

Change is good!

But I agree...would've been nice if this growth could've happened without scarring me for life!

Now...about that morning discussion:

It is clear to me that H seems to forget that there ARE scars that come from his infidelity. The fact that he did what he did skews my perspective in ways he cannot know - because I have never even given off a HINT of unfaithfulness in 20 years! I don't even men just with an affair (of any kind) but faithful in the sense that I've never said anything bad about him - always been positive about his traits, esp. in front of the kids - never made the mistake of calling him names or being disrespectful in conversations...none of that. I watched my mother do it to my father and I swore I would never be that way!

Anyway, H made a statement that alluded to the fact that he handles things differently than I do - and that I needed to trust - and that he is very happy so I should be happy. He also implied that I got what I want - him back - so basically, I should just be fine with everything.

My first reaction to all this was, "Well, I AM glad he's happy - but what about MY happiness?" Thoughts also entered my mind of, "Well - it's easy for HIM to trust ME....he's not living with PTSD!" And of course...."Yeah, I'm happy I got him back but uh....don't think you did me a huge favor here. Where's your thankfulness for being taken back?!"

SO....I still have plenty of work to do. I don't think he meant any of it to sound bad or that he is only concerned with himself... but it is NOT acceptable to me to that I should just be thankful and happy he's home without any other "work" lol.

SDIT, you may have committed the miscalculation I did as recovery started, and it relates to the imposition of elements of "just compensation".

My FWW immediately realized that she had committed grave transgessions in her affection for OM. The long-time dynamic in our marriage, however, with me being the stoic, imperturbable one, disguised from her (and actually, from me as well) the extent of the damage she had caused. This came to a head about seven months after d-night when I, for the first time, told her that it might not be possible for me to remain with her. That "crisis" is what spurred her to REALLY begin the work of healing me.

Consider telling FWH where you are still hurting. Work together to devise things he MUST (not "can", or "might") do to repair your damaged "self". These are the things that consitute JCs. Without them, you will continue to resent his "free ride", as your post above reveals.

(And did you get that gas-grill yet? His cooking would be an example of what he can do NOW that he was not doing BEFORE.)