Helping your wife heal is the first part of learning how to care for her.

The next area I'd like to talk to you about is called EP's, which is short for, "Extraordinary Precautions".
This is the "PROTECTION" part of recovering from infidelity.

You will learn to protect your wife and your marriage from ever having the pain of betrayal visiting your marriage again!
This will also help your wife to heal....

There is a thread in Surviving An Affair forums that I put together some time ago. I'd like you to read it and start putting together your own list.

I'd like you to post your own list on this thread so we can discuss it as you go, we can make some revisions and then you can print it and give it to your wife.

It will all make more sense when you read the thread..

When you read the thread, you may have some questions, please post them on this thread, OK!

Here's the link;

LINK to EP's Thread

Please let me know when you've read the thread, OK?

You cannot skip this step and move on to something else!

This needs completed first.

I will read it and do the work thanks

I also expect that you will keep up with reading Dr. Harley's books with your wife.... OK?

I just wanted to let you know that I've not forgot about the EP I've ben with the wife helping her to get stuff done for her new business. I will get the list soon

dtl-

get the list done now then help her. really say to luvs i am going to do the EP list then help you ( Cha ching in the bank for you). she is strong enough to do her own business and she will do it fantastically with or without you, so do the list and you will both do much better. its really not hard to see or do, so do what is right.

there are many posts with examples start there... see above ... please.

stop making excuses, sorry......

here is what i have so far
Give all passwords and and access to email and voicemail
Change or cancel email accounts
Allow access to truck ,tool boxes and anywhere else wanted
Allow any type of tracking to be put on me
Take polygraph any time
Allow to check up on me any time at work


Part 2
1. I will be open and honest
2. I will tell you how I am felling ,especially when I�m down and need assurance
3. I will make sure to keep you up dated on what I do and were I go every day
4. I will protect you from being hurt any more
5. I will do what it takes to bring you up when you are down and comfort you when you are hurt
6. I will tell you immediately if other woman ever tries to contact in any form
7. I will not go on any web sites that you see unfit
8. I agree to include you in on any decisions that are made and use the poja
9. I agree to keep key logger and tracing on my phone as long as you see fit
10. I will always give access to any of my items any time you want (cell phone ,truck, tool boxes ,ect )
11. I will let you know any time I have to work late as soon as I find out about it
12. I will avoid talking to any one of the opposite sex about any thing personal or emotional
13. I will always put you at the top of my priorities
14. I will agree to negotiate and except any other terms you may come up with

Just rereading my post I realized I left out to give her a minimum of 15 hours a week ua time so I'm adding that to the list
I would really appreciate some input on my list I would really like to give it to her I know she would appreciate it. Thanks

I know you are just putting your thoughts down, but lets find a different way to phrase these.....

You're choice of the word "allow" can come across all wrong.... As if you are doing your wife a favor.

It's like telling the guy who loaned you $100 last week, that you're going to "allow" him to be re-paid....

Give all passwords and and access to email and voicemail.

1)I will make a list of all passwords for email accounts, bank accounts, phone accounts and give this list to my wife. I will update any changes immediately.

Change or cancel email accounts

2)I will eliminate or change any old email accounts and I will only have new, necessary, email accounts that my wife has access to.

Allow access to truck ,tool boxes and anywhere else wanted

3) I will make a seperate key to all vehicles, locks, storage units, etc. and give my wife the spare keys.

Allow any type of tracking to be put on me

4) I will research and provide a means for GPS tracking of my whereabouts at all times.

Take polygraph any time

5) I will schedule a polygraph with a professional that my wife is enthusiastic about. I will ask my wife to provide a list of questions for the polygraph that will not be disclosed to me ahead of time.

Allow to check up on me any time at work

This one will be covered in number 4...


Do you see how these become something YOU actively do all on you own?

Is there anything else on this first section you've overlooked that you know you need to do for your wife??

Lets get this part finished, before we tackle the second part of your list, OK!

On the first part we have already done a b f h and l. And not applicable are c g. And we already agreed to not do I j and k.
On the not applicable I never had any social networking sites. And my wife has always had full access to the bank and finances

J) I will contact an attorney that will work on my spouse�s behalf and write a post-nuptial agreement.

Tell me more about this one and what would prevent you from doing it??


L) Sell any vehicle AP was in and replace them.

Was OW in any vehicles you still own??

We don't have much belongings to have to mess with a prenup. we are both in agreement on it
and yes have already got rid of cars she was ever in

What do I do when I start feeling so down about myself for what I did that I don't even know how to comfort my wife when she triggers. I really need help

OK what you did was bad, nasty, horrid and hurtful....you know that and your wife does too.

You can't change that unless you invented a time machine.

What you can change is you. So stop wallowing and start doing something. Anything.

Exercise is good, do something physical, maybe something that needed doing for a bit, work on the house or garden?

Then take your wife out for dinner, talk to her about the future not the past.

Are you following MB? UA time is the biggest thing, amke it fun and special.

Oh and stop focussing on poor you and start focussing on Mrs dtl. You made this mess, start doing something to fix it...the steps are clearly laid out for you.


Stop Whining

dtl, I know you need help. But here's the thing...

Are you taking every possible action you can to discover answers to these questions?? Or are you waiting around for others, like us and your wife, to tell you what to do so you don't have to invest the time and energy into it yourself?

Look, I'm not trying to make you mad, but I do want you to really think about it!

My guess is, you're feeling lost because you still haven't learned how to read a compass for yourself.... You want to hand the compass to someone that already knows how to read it and expect them to point you in the right direction every time! Let me tell you from experience, it won't work. You MUST invest the time yourself and ask a great deal of questions as you go along.

The compass is, Marriage Builders. And YOU, yes, YOU must learn it inside out,,,, that is, if you want even a snowballs chance in he!! of having a marriage worth having.

So, let me ask you,,,,, Are you finished with all of Dr. Harley's books yet (SAA, HNHN, LB'ers, FILSIL), and re-reading them again???

Part 2
1. I will be open and honest

Can you tell me, IN DETAIL, how you will fulfill this one?

2. I will tell you how I am felling ,especially when I�m down and need assurance

This one is OK, but I'm really interested in why you feel this will protect your wife? Tell me more about this one too.


3. I will make sure to keep you up dated on what I do and were I go every day

HOW will you achieve this without making your wife feel like she is babysitting?

4. I will protect you from being hurt any more

I love the sentiment, but HOW will you be doing this?


5. I will do what it takes to bring you up when you are down and comfort you when you are hurt

Again, I love the sentiment, but HOW will you be doing this?


6. I will tell you immediately if other woman ever tries to contact in any form

This one is good.


7. I will not go on any web sites that you see unfit

WAY, WAY to broad! and puts the responsibility on your wife to catch you and to tell you what's unfit... Can you see what I mean? I want you to think about how YOU can set boundaries here yourself, boundaries that make your wife feel safe, OK!


8. I agree to include you in on any decisions that are made and use the poja

How about a rewrite on this one...
8) I will not make any plans during the day, without first discussing them with you.
8a) I will agree to use Dr. H's POJA as a tool in all areas of our marriage.


9. I agree to keep key logger and tracing on my phone as long as you see fit

Lets do a rewrite here....
9) I will be sure that any computer we have will have a keylogger installed and you will be the only one with access codes. I will also maintain a GPS tracking program on my phones.

10. I will always give access to any of my items any time you want (cell phone ,truck, tool boxes ,ect )

This is good.

11. I will let you know any time I have to work late as soon as I find out about it

This is good.


12. I will avoid talking to any one of the opposite sex about any thing personal or emotional

This is good.


13. I will always put you at the top of my priorities

Again, HOW will you achieve this?


14. I will agree to negotiate and except any other terms you may come up with

EP's are not a negotiable thing! These are boundaries that we are putting in place as part of the compensation for having poor enough ones that a affair occured.... We are affair proofing out life here, OK!


Work on these question a few at a time if necessary and post your replies....

We'll get through these.

I will be open and honest by telling her how I feel what I'm thinking of stuff I would like to do what has happened during the day and letting her know how she is making me feel
2. I put this in there because part of what led to my a was I was feeling down about myself and lonely. And didn't make my wife aware of it. I was at home out of work with a shoulder injury and she was at work so I started post on various websites and to fill the void I was feeling. So if I would have made her aware of how I was feeling it may have prevented my a
3. I will achieve this by us having regular conversations about what we have going on and making it a part of are life
4. I will achieve this by following my EP s and not ever allowing any form of an affair to happen again. And to keep my taker in check
5. I will achieve this by holding her, running my fingers through her hair, gently rubbing her head, giving her a back rub and telling her how much I love her and making her feel special
6 . Is good.
I will answer more tomorrow

DTL:

You are doing great, and I understand how draining it is to being doing all this hard marriage-building work AND posting on the website, but the time will be worth it.

Great job!