The gist of NG's post is the exact same as the recent AoM article I posted; saying that you are going to leave at a certain point in the future based on feelings you have today is only taking into account that you might feel the way you feel today that entire time.

It does not take into account every happy or exciting time.

It doesn't take into account family trips. Romantic dinners. Mind-blowing SF. Intimate chats. Bungee jumping. White water river rafting. Long drives. Afternoon naps.

So, if you only take into account being the lump on a log you are during a dip in the coaster? Sure, you are out in "XX years." Good luck being a lump on a log for that amount of time.

Triple H,

I do like afternoon naps. And I like mind blowing SF.

They are even better in the opposite order. Wooohooo.

Anyway, alls good. Thanks for the words.

The ship is sailing smoothly after hitting some rocks.

mss

Thanks for the input.

For some reason, I've been feeling latety that

1. I've just had a gut feeling somethings not right, as if there's been contact.

2. Sad and angry, often thinking 'this wasn't supposed to happen to me'

I hope this season and all its triggers passes quickly, and I hope my doubts about whther the affair is truly dead or not are simply that.

Brother, we as BS's have our own fog. In that fog we cannot see the way out of our current pain and suffering because that path is lost to our vision.

Watch the river that is RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE BOAT, and ignore what may come in the week ahead.

Ain't no good if the boat sinks in 5 minutes anyways...


Stroke, stroke, stroke!

Both you and Yoda are too deep for me.

Both you and Yoda are too deep for me.

If Trip and Yoda tangle things up too much, how about John Lennon, in "Beautiful Boy" ?

Life is what happens to you
While you're busy making other plans.

Actually there's another line in there that applies as well:

Before you go to sleep
Say a little prayer.
Every day in every way
It's getting better and better.

(Not today, but I do want to open up a future chat with you about FWW now being expected to "supply/endure" SF to/with you. Pop a flare here when you feel up to it.)

Im in a Starbucks between meetings, NG, whats on your mind about that line?

Before you start, that was a merely tongue-in-cheek comment about the SF my wife and I are enjoying. It was a shot at me that she must put up with it.

I just wish others in my shoes are able to recover or discover a new bedroom life like I have because in my most basic thought processes when I have her, I erase those there before me.

But, whats you thought?

I certainly may come off crude. I certainly may offend some with my attitude towards my recovery and the steps taken within.

While some BS may have had regular sex lives while their spouse carried on their affairs, mine was weak at best. And I complained. And I made it known on multiple occasions before dday that I wouldnt stick around forever if it stayed this way. I used lines like 'i can find someone who is interested in this aspect of marriage if you are not'. Meaning I was not going to spend my nights alone.

So, upon dday and learning of her secret sex life (and I dont give a hoot how much she downplayed it) I was furious. If my libido was low and I didnt have interest in her, thats one thing, but I virtually had to beg for it. OM didnt seem to or at least in the beginning I get the impression it was hot and heavy. I could not care less about the credit card he gave her and chit chat he gave her and all the rest. It was her ability to give him her body.

So, in MY RECOVERY, while I walk as close to the MB line of UA and meet her missing needs, I require, nay, demand a new woman sexually. As I always have communicated my needs to her, i continued to do so and I made it clear if I am going to ever get passed her affair, I need to know I have a committed partner is every aspect of marriage. And brother, bedroom life is way at the top of the list.

I got a little heat from a poster that my "demand" for it is a love buster. Having sex with another guy for 8 years is a zillion times the love buster even though its discontinued. A mere fleeting thought of her with OM, busts the heck out of any love I have for her.

Even with that, I called my wife from the road yesterday to ask her if she felt any 'obligation', any 'strong-arming', or any 'discomfort' or 'annoyance' or anything upsetting about having to be with me as what I termed compensation for her affair. I wanted honesty from her and I told her I would not accept any but the truth. It isnt like she hasnt turned my down a few times since d-day. She said she too needs our newly enhanced physicalness to get passed her actions.

We did talk about how our love making would no doubt become less frequent as we go, but she said in no way does she ever feel forced. I told her that would make me like OM towards the end as per her description and that would be the worst.

She is a beautiful lady and I tell her that a lot. Not so I can butter her up for action later, but because she is and despite a major crack in the road we are navigating, she is doing all the things she needs to heal me. And Im trying to heal her.

Mike: Please don't take this the wrong way, because I'm asking in what I hope is a truly sincere way: Does she also say she loves your sex life now?

Yes, I agree that if SF is your top EN, you are entitled to have that need met. And if your wife is smart, she will meet it.

But I always thought the idea of MBs is that it's a two-way street. As in, your wife will WANT to meet your SF need, not because she's afraid she will lose you if she doesn't. But because she looks at you with love and is so close to you, she can't help keeping her hands off you.



Honestly, I believe only she can heal herself. Only you can heal yourself.

What your doing with MBs is forming a tighter bond, a better marriage.

And, lastly, I'm reading some ... anger? resentment? in your post about sex with your wife. As in, I was denied for so long, by god SHE WILL PAY. Please correct me if I'm misreading between the lines.

Sincerely,
Sweetpea

Yes. There was anger. A ton of it.

Add humiliation, degradation, anxiety, hatred, isolation, ambiguity, and a million other things.

I again asked her today if she is enjoying what we have now in bed. I asked her if she would tell me if it was too much and was forced. She snapped at me and told to never ask that question. I told her I never want to hurt her. Thats the most important thing in my life.

I disagree with healing. Ask any of those BS whose cheating spouse cant get out of the fog if they can heal without their BS on board. I think perhaps after a divorce you can find some healing, sure. But, I think a happy post adultery couple need each other to heal if they want to survive.

MSS, obviously, I was not the only one anxious about your use of the word "endure". (It's not easy to determine how well and firmly a poster's tongue is stuck in his cheek, I guess.)

Using SF as a component of a strong relationship requires both parties to enjoy the experience. "Enduring" it would be a contra-indicator. If you are comfortable that your FWW is as fully committed to whatever SF schedule/regimen/routine you are enjoying, that's the important thing I wanted to emphasize to you.

Mike, FWIW ITA w/you about the healing. If a couple chooses to remain together after infidelity, I think the best way for the spouses to heal is to each focus on healing the other, through care, time, committment, honesty, needs-meeting, and so forth. I would like nothing more than to help my H heal from what I inflicted on him, and I feel that he's the best qualified to help me to heal what is broken inside of me.

I think finding healing on your own is much more difficult, certainly not impossible, but at least from my perspective, knowing that what I did caused all this destruction, destruction that has not - and may never be - repaired, well, it makes healing on my own a little harder to come by, if that makes any sense.

Mike, I gave you heat only in regards to your advice to the poster INTERNAL PAIN. Your choice of wording was of concern and I was very specific about what I took issue with.



You and your wife are in enthusiastic agreement about SF and I told you that is what the MB program is all about! I don't consider what you have shared you needed from your wife in regards to SF to be a demand, I consider it to be a condition you expressed that you needed fulfilled in order to stay in the marriage.... IMVHO, there is a VERY big difference.

(BTW, IMO, The Mutually, Pleasurable, Radical Bonding, that you and your wife are experiencing is a good sign in recovery)

For those of us who've wondered all this time, I think HerPapaBear just confirmed for us that SF is what the Marriage Builders program is all about.

I may replace the quote in my signature...

For those of us who've wondered all this time, I think HerPapaBear just confirmed for us that SF is what the Marriage Builders program is all about.

Can we get an "Amen" from SexyMamaBear?

I was looking at the calender and my 6 month mark post dday is around the corner. I reflect on the notion that I, at one time, made it known that I would decide on my future at that point. Was I to stay or was staying too much for me to handle?

Then, early on in my madness and uncontrollabe early days, I made a commitment mainly to the board that I would give it a year as the trauma would need at least that much time to diminish.

I will say that I will need every bit of the year. Im having a rough go of it lately and my mood shifts are relentless. Ive starting taking the anti-anxiety pills and debating internally to restart the ADs which I discountinued in Aug.

Im doing all I can to not involve her in my issues. It is so true that she really is doing everything in her power to meet my needs and I like to think Im doing for her too. But she sees it and as usual doesnt say anything. It reminds me of years passed during the affair when my desire for her and her lack of interest in me physically manifested in huffing and puffing from me and then to sleep angry and sexually frustrated. Its an avoidance/obliviousness that drove me crazy for years that I see again when my moods change.

Hoping its its a phase.

I cant escape the thought that my marriage is ruined. We are living a sham for the sake of the kids. This is my daily thought of late. Sucks.