Far from being "repressed, the feelings are quite prominent. The feeling of wanting my wife to "get off of me" when she wanted to cuddle on the couch was quite real. The feeling of alarm and violation when she would surprise me with a caress was instinctive and would cause me to pull away abruptly. The feeling that opening myself up to intimacy and expressing my true feelings would somehow lead to my destruction was my "normal"

No, these feelings weren't repressed at all. I just didn't know how such things became a part of me and didn't really give it much thought. For all I knew, everyone was this way, but to a lesser degree. Yes, there were times that I was more relaxed and open in our marriage. These times would come and go in phases, but for the most part, I existed in a very guarded state.

I think what is happening is in-line with the MB concept. A past abuse was confessed for the first time. I was assigned reading material that describes how such abuse can affect people. I found elements of my behavior in this reading material that I had always thought of as "normal," but which was probably subconsciously developed to prevent other people from getting close to me. In discussing with my wife, it came to light that these behaviors have communicated to her a lack of love and caring. Now that I have brought the abuse into the light of day, I'm able to connect the dots, see that these behaviors are not "normal," and am very happily working to change them.

I've always been the "ice man." When I discovered my wife's affair, for some reason, instead of retreating into my ice castle, I let the emotional impact hold full sway. I seemed to have an instinctive understanding that, should I revert to my normal mode of ignoring emotion and operating exclusively in the realm of ration and logic, my marriage would be over. After all, while there are rational reasons to retain a marriage in the aftermath of infidelity, there are few logical reasons to remain in a relationship with someone who went to such great lengths to lie and deceive their partner.

While the pain of leaving myself emotionally exposed was intense, I found some great benefits as well. I've never felt such intense love for my wife and children since I opened up. This alone was enough to push me toward reconciliation. If anyone has been through something like this, they'll probably understand it when I say I've never felt such freedom.

In my previous posts, I wrote about being notorious for being a slow forgiver. Subsequent consideration revealed that I'd never really forgiven anyone for any transgressions against me. This is what my wife told our MC: "I know him well. He'll never forgive me for this. I'll be punished with it for the rest of my life."

I understand why she felt that way, but that's not true anymore. I forgive her. And that's another one of those wonderful feelings that I'd never experienced.

Bro,

I gotta be honest, I'm not sure I'm tracking with the 1st part. Are you talking about your wife's abuse as a revelation for your actions (because of the similarity), or are you dealing with your own in the midst of all this?

These things have a way of changing us. My wife thought I was impervious to being hurt in any way besides a major accident. Sounds like you are moving fast in the right direction and have hit on some key ideas.

How is your W doing in all this? Did the kids ever find out?

CV

CV, I'm the one that suffered the sexual (and physical) abuse. My wife grew up in a very warm, loving, functional family. It's evident still today in the way they interact (I was always suspicious of that as well . . . what a basket-case, huh?)

This is me coming to grips with my contribution to the pre-affair state of our marriage. My wife described how she viewed me as cold, withdrawn, and etcetera, and that just didn't jive with how I actually felt about her, so I basically denied it. As we explored it in the presence of our "referee," she was detailed in describing my behavior and I became aware that she was right. I couldn't deny the behavior once it was pointed out, but wasn't really aware that I was doing it at the time. (I hope that makes sense.)

The counselor asked me about sexual abuse and I decided at that point to disclose it, though I'd never mentioned it to another soul. I immediately regretted spilling it and regretted it for several weeks until I got my reading material and started connecting the dots. Now, I don't regret the disclosure, but I just want to acknowledge the impact, put it back to bed, and get on with learning to open up and shed the ice man act.

I've become much more relaxed and open to affection and intimate conversation; my wife asked me about this. I explained to her that it's a conscious effort on my part to quell the discomfort and just trust her with that level of openness. I feel like I'm walking a tightrope over a canyon without a net and my wife is the one that rigged the equipment. Feel like I'm giving her the keys to my destruction. Logically, it sounds stupid, but that's how it feels. Guess that's more insight into why I ignored feelings and emotions. They just didn't make sense out of context.

When it comes right down to it, the extremely closed and withdrawn approach I took to life didn't protect me from the worst emotional hurt I've experienced. I have absolutely nothing to lose by shucking those overly-sensitive, protective behaviors and trying to connect with my wife on a deeper emotional and intimate level. May as well give it a try. One thing I'm finding out: it's not nearly as exhausting as living with a constant mistrust of everyone around me.

One step at a time. I'll work my relationship with my wife, then see if I can open up a little more to "outsiders."

My wife seems to be doing great. After doing everything wrong in the beginning, like the typical WW described on these boards, she's working hard to make amends. I have no complaints.

Of course, teenagers are going to be very aware that something's going on when a tsunami hits the family, so they know. They had figured it out before we told them. Talking to them about it really defused the situation and let us get back to a family environment that's already pretty normal -- but better, actually.

CV

Definitely, through your comments, it seems that you've been through this stuff ahead of me. You're confirming my thoughts, feelings, and findings on the subject, which is, I guess, what drew me back here in the first place.

It was a major revelation when I saw my personality so perfectly described in my reading material. When it comes down to it, I think that's really the only piece of the puzzle I needed: the ability to see myself objectively in a non-judgmental way and understand where/how those behaviors originated and why they're harmful to human relations.

I pulled the plug on the IC sessions dealing with the abuse. I agree with the MB concept and the other posters that there's nothing to be gained by rehashing the past. I started the workbook I was given and found it very disturbing to recall specific events, to the point it started disrupting my sleep again. The counselor happily agreed that I didn't need to revisit the past if I didn't think it was helpful, so we're all good and in agreement. I'll just keep working on forcing the behavioral changes. It's not much of a chore when, in the end, I'm a happier, more relaxed person.

I don't think I'll be on the MB forum much from this point forward. Oddly, it acts as somewhat of a trigger for the negativity associated with my wife's infidelity. My wife is working hard at rebuilding our marriage and making it better than before. I'm working hard to be a better husband and father. I think things are going well. I'm counting my blessings and not really asking for much more (unless you have the winning lottery numbers . . .).

Thanks for letting me bend your ear for all this time, CV. I appreciate you.

Well you aren't the only one. I sometimes am triggered too, I have to moderate myself. If you ever need a friend, the offer is open.

CV

The Tsunami

Miles below the surface, tension builds as two geological features, typically crustal plates, grind against one another. The tension build-up is slow, on a geologic time-scale, so it goes completely unnoticed by all but the most-competent experts, and sometimes, not even then.

Deep within our psyches, tension built up between you and I as our lives became more function-oriented and independent of one another. It happened so slowly, we scarcely realized it was occurring. Sure, there were a few minor slippages, small tremors that we should�ve recognized as warnings, but the tremors never really rose above the rattling of windows, so we just continued our grind, oblivious to the consequences.

Finally, the tension is too strong and one of the crustal plates gives way. The upheaval is deep below the surface of the ocean. If it�s still undetected at this point, there�s little chance that massive destruction can be avoided. The ocean above the quake is dramatically disturbed, jolted with incredible force, creating a shockwave that travels through the water column at an unimaginable speed. Amazingly, casual observance of the water column provides no clue of the devastation that�s streaking beneath the surface.

You reached your breaking point in a marriage where neither of us tended to the emotional needs of the other. You failed to tell me about your unhappiness, robbing me of the opportunity to avoid the impending destruction you�d released. Instead, you turned to your male �friend,� looking for relief, and set off an undercurrent of destruction with more speed and power than you were prepared to handle. To all outward appearances, things were normal, but an emotional tsunami screamed along beneath the surface and our marriage was in imminent danger.

The quake-generated shockwave fills the water column. As the shockwave enters shallower water, the bottom portion of the shockwave slows due to friction with the rising sea floor while the upper portion continues at full speed, creating a �rolling� effect. This effect is responsible for the first visual indicator that a tsunami is imminent: receding surf. The larger the tsunami, the more pronounced is this recession. The few that recognize this harbinger know that, if you�re close enough to see the receding waters, you�re too close to escape, though you can take immediate action that may increase chances of survival. Most people watch in wonder, fascination, and confusion as the sea floor is bared before their eyes, not knowing the meaning, freezing in the face of one of Earth�s most destructive forces.

The affair you unleashed barreled toward its inevitable clash with reality, and there was friction. As you rolled back more and more of the emotional support of our union, much of the ugliness that lay just below the surface was exposed. Clues of your infidelity were laid bare. I recognized what was happening and I immediately headed for high ground. I knew there was no escape, but thought maybe I could survive. I was about to be hit with the most destructive emotional force I�ll face in my lifetime.

No creation of man can withstand the brunt force of the tsunami impact. The water surges, swirls, pushes, ever-rising, flattening everything in its path. Those caught in its grip hold on with everything they have, but the water just keeps coming. Many succumb to the relentless power of the flood; they just can�t hold on. Those that survive the initial surge soon learn their nightmare has just started as the water changes course and flows back out to sea with nearly the same force with which it flowed in. As the waters slow and recede, survivors barely have time to scan the devastation around them before the second wave rolls in. Again and again the roiling water invades. After a time, mercifully, the pent-up energy in the sea finally exhausts itself against the shore.

No amount of suspicion or forewarning prepared me for the impact of the truth of your infidelity. The power of that initial wave literally took me off of my feet. I couldn�t function; the emotional turmoil tore at me with a strength that precluded any action other than holding on. I watched, helplessly, as everything we�d built, everything I knew, everything I loved, was swept away in an instant. My very being was in mortal jeopardy. But, I have survived so far, and I�m gaining confidence that I�ll make it through this. The waves still come, but they�re lessoning in duration and intensity with each surge. My life is preserved, and that�s enough to carry forward for now.

So, the question for the survivor is this: do I rebuild here? We�ll never again be able to sit on this beach, basking in its comfort and beauty, as we did before; there will always be the knowledge of the potential for horror and destruction that this place brings. The happy innocence has been forever erased. For the foreseeable future, the visual scarring will keep this tragedy foremost in our hearts and minds.

Can I build to withstand the angry sea? Can I live with the permanently-scarred landscape? Can I, or more importantly, will I, invest in the type of infrastructure that will provide the security I need to remain in this place?

Every day I bring the shovel, the hammer, all the tools that I have at my disposal, and work to rebuild. I think I have the infallible blueprint. I think we�ve learned our lessons, know the dangers, and can build a life centered around avoiding the destruction that lurks here.

But, when I rest from my work, when the sea is calm and the breeze but a wisp, when all in the world, on my mind, and in my heart is quiet, I can hear my truth. That truth tells me that, despite my fervent desire, despite my work, despite the energies I�m expending to rebuild, I still don�t know if I can live here.

This is awesome. Can you repost this in the poetry section?

CV

I'd never really noticed the Poetry section. I posted it there, as you requested.

I am approaching a principal trigger date and, just like everything else involved with this ordeal, I severely underestimated the impact it's having.

I think about what she was doing one year ago and all the doubts return full force. She knows I'm having a hard time; she knows why.

We don't really talk about it. I reverted back to "journaling" as an outlet. That's the origin of The Tsunami.

I'm struggling with the practice of Radical Honesty. How do I tell my wife:

- You look as if you've aged 10 years in the last eight months. (I don't know if she's truly changed as a result of the stress we lived under, or if it's a function of me looking at her very differently.)

- Often when I look at you, I can only see The Liar. I marvel at how cold and calculating you were in your betrayal. My sense of self-preservation screams that it is dangerous to continue to share my life with you.

- After everything we've been through, after we've seemingly settled into recovery, after I committed to reconciliation, the deep-seated truth is that I have serious doubts that I want to stay married to you.

And as I sit writing this post, I receive a text from her that reads: "Morning Love. Just a note to remind you that I'm in love with you. I adore you!"

I'm living in a in hell of emotional conflict. I'm starting to miss the good ol' days when I could disregard emotions as an unnecessary nuisance.

Have you thought about making your journal open for her to read?

CV

I didn't anticipate the effect of the triggering event. Only yesterday did I recognize that I was entering a depression. It's been quite a while, so I thought this kind of stuff was behind me.

One of the most carthartic things I've done through all of this is write a comprehensive letter to my wife's AP. I virtually-delivered it by handing it over to my IC back in July. It's probably the most compelling element of all my journaling.

I just reviewed that letter and decided that my wife needed to see it, because there's a lot in there that she should know about how I feel. I sent it to her via e-mail this morning. This is the first instance of opening my journal to her.

She (and her POSOM) completely underestimated me and misjudged me in every way throughout this ordeal. I think she's going to be shocked at my insight into that man and the things I would choose to say to him. I look forward to discussing it with her.

P.S. I originally confronted my wife just hours before she was to meet her AP on a business trip. She went on that trip and I was alone for the first five days after initiiating D-Day. I was surprisingly lucid during that time, as the emotional impact hadn't yet struck with its full force. I started journaling on day two.

The first three days of my journal are all that survive from the initial writing (March-June was basically emotional regurgitation and I destroyed it as soon as I "regurgitated" it).

I'm considering showing her the first three days. She would be stunned at how accurately I predicted what was going to happen over the following six months. I don't know if she would be able to handle seeing herself through my eyes at that time and realizing that history had proven me 100% correct about her.

In addition, the first three days logs the months of circumstantial evidence I'd been collecting, and I still haven't reached a level of trust where I feel secure in releasing all of that to her.

hi OldWarHorse, please help me, where can I find the beggining of your thred? I would like to read your full story, did you ever end up in PB?

v1212 -- My thread was beset by a group of belligerents who repeatedly "offered" unsolicited advice which, if followed, would've been disastrous to innocent parties. I deleted all the info from my thread and left the forum for quite some time. Believe me, my story is just like the story of every other sap who finds himself or herself married to someone in the bottom 50th-percentile in strength-of-character.

I never entered Plan B. My WW ended contact with her AP immediately upon my discovery of her affair.

Well, it's moot now.

As I said, my wife knows I'm having a hard time and she knows why. She decided to check up on me, came here and read my post, so now she knows exactly how I feel.

Yep, it's very hurtful to her, just like I thought it would be, which is why I was trying to get it out here instead of discussing it with her.

Oh well, on the Richter Scale of discussions we've had since D-Day, this one only registered about a 7.5.

OWH,


7.5 is liveable I guess. Maybe it just needed to come out?


It's on the table for good or ill. Do you think she would post here?

CV

In retrospect, it's better that we discussed it. We talked about the toll this has taken on us in terms of stress and how it's actually affected our health.

You know, I'm aware that she's come to these boards before to try to keep track of what I'm up to, but it's been a while since she showed interest. I, once again, became very quiet and withdrawn and that drove her to these boards to try to determine the problem.

She wouldn't post here. She's seen how waywards are treated here and she wouldn't submit herself to that. She doesn't want to talk about it with anyone, not even me. That in itself has caused big problems, because I naturally think that she's holding onto this romantic notion of some grand, lost love. She says that's not the case. She said she's ashamed and just wants to put the whole episode in our past.

After we talked, I think we both concluded I'm in one of the down cycles on the roller coaster and we just need to work through it.

It's not easy, though. Today is the one-year anniversary of my wife spending the night with OM.

Halloween. While I was getting our boys to parties, monitoring their evening, making sure they were safe, and answering the door for the trick-or-treaters, she was spending the night with her boyfriend from work.

Handing out candy has now become a horrendously macabre metaphor for me. Fitting, I guess.

Hi there OWH,

Anniversaries are not pleasant, my therapist says if you can redirect your thinking for 90 seconds it's all that it takes.........read something, do something.....concentrate on that and your thinking can be changed....over time the triggers should be less and less.........

Just enjoy the costumes tonight, I love the little ones, they are so cute and enjoying themselves............and eat a few candies yourself, can't hurt to have a little sweet....hehe!!!
This is a difficult time of year for me as well, my husband had his affair for Aug to the end of Nov(when the affair was discovered by the OWH) so many days wondering, remembering............but I just try to remember that what they had was lies and deceit...........and stupid
Maybe someday she will post and help other waywards it may even help her...........
one day at a time.........
90 seconds

Why, thank you, JT!

I'm going to be fine. The first couple of depressive episodes I had were rather debilitating, but I actually manage them pretty well now. This one is driven by a particularly strong trigger, so it compelled me to come here to vent and seek wisdom from those who've walked this path before me.

To be honest, at the moment, I'm more worried about my wife. Reading the thoughts I posted above were very hurtful to her.

She and I really need to get a handle on this Radical Honesty thing. I'm naturally inclined to go into emotional withdrawal. She's concerned and wants to talk about what's bothering me. When I tell her, it hurts her. The feedback I get is that I'm wrong for 1) feeling that way, or 2)telling her. The natural conclusion then becomes: emotional withdrawal is the correct choice. A vicious cycle.

Damn! Feelings are so troublesome!

They are hurtful. They should bring pain. Not because you are wrong, but because they are the consequences of her bad decision.

BUT! Use them as opportunities. The hardest part of reconciling is letting the offender help heal you. Remember, she's struggling coming to the consequences of what she did too.

CV