Setup a seperate account too, today.

Today has been a blur.

I know she checked out long ago....and views OM as the antithesis of all that she viewed wrong with me.

And I realize, at this point I've got next to nothing to lose.......

I get the impression, she percieves "mediation" as a quick cheap and easy way to "move on" with her fantasy, as others have pointed out without any risk of negative impact from her immoral behavior being considered in terms of custody or alimony.

I also suspect, "her plan" is being fed by OM.....because she was confident that " my son goes with me, I'm the primary caregiver", and "you can't force me to leave" accusing me of "thinking she was stupid"....something I have never said.

I know, it's likely to get a lot worse before it gets any better.

And I know you're right, JT...
" she isn't yours now if you want her back you are going to have to fight for her and your family."

DD,

I too was slow to expose. It works. It will kill the fun of the fantasy when they have to explain their actions.

Man up or stop complaining.

Next time you see your WW, just tell her your OK with her sleeping with who ever she wants. That's what you're doing now!!

The Truth Shall Set You Free!!!!

DD,

I hope you understand that we�re rooting for you and want you to succeed. The problem is that you are indeed risk averse.

I�m a former Air Force pilot. I know all about risk mitigation. I can tell you that there is NO risk at all in exposing.

A lawyer will approach this from a different angle. A lawyer will not recommend to you that you tell anyone anything. A lawyer assumes the worst.

We�re telling you that there is NO risk in exposing. We�ve walked the walk.

The only risk you are taking is in not exposing, which will guarantee a divorce.

You�re already heading down that path, assuming she�s not bluffing, which she likely is.

Exposure will kill this affair. Just read some other threads if you don�t believe us.

If it doesn�t kill the affair it will certainly make it tougher to conduct.

But exposure rarely works if it�s not done soon after discovery of the affair. Once she�s gone and out of the house and one he�s gone and out of his house, then the affairees simply become more entrenched in their affair and fantasy and they�ll have common boogey men to demonize.

Your best move, if divorce is indeed inevitable, is to file first, request sole physical and legal custody, and inform your family that you�re getting divorced because your wife is having an affair.

This gives you all the legal advantages and puts you in control of the pacing of proceedings. Your goal is to drag things out as much as possible and make the process as painful as possible.

But I�m about to give up on you. You�re basically laying down and surrendering.

Actually, he is not risk averse, but conflict averse. He is afraid of conflict. By avoiding conflict he INVITES more risk due to his inaction. So it can't be said you are "risk averse," because your lack of action invites risk. You are a conflict avoider.

The greatest risk is in not exposing because keeping it a secret enables the affair to thrive. So, no he is not risk averse at all. His current path of inaction invites the greatest risk.

I want to chime in an repeat what the previous reply said.

There is NO risk in exposing.

The venom the wayward will shoot at you will hurt to hear and you will have your heart do a few flips flops while you listen to the venom BUT

the wayward and other person will not REALLY file suit against you. They WILL threaten to do so to scare you. Don't be afraid.

Even if they actually did file a suit (and they won't) you can simply say you were attempting to get support from the various folks to save your family. Matter of fact.

They will not really file a suit though. Bluster. Scary bluster.

DD --

I just want to scream at you! I WAS A WAYWARD WIFE -- I KNOW THAT SHE IS PLANNING ON REPLACING YOU WITH OM.

She's following the playbook:
1. she told OM her marriage was horrible, so she MADE the marriage horrible.
2. after a suitable amount of bickering time, present the BH with the divorce scenario -- or wait until pushed by OM or BH.
3. get rid of said husband by moving out or moving him out.
4. at that point, consider yourself divorced and free to do what you want. Let everyone know the marriage is over.
5. follow through with divorce or seperation proceedings as pushed.
6. after suitable amount of time, start introducing OM as your new boyfriend.



Why oh why wont' you destroy that fantasy?

Its great FUN to introduce a new boyfriend (because of course everyone will think she met him AFTER your marriage fell apart)
Its HORRIBLE to introduce your CHEATING PARTNER. Why won't you "out" them so that fantasy is no longer possible?

What RISK do you think you are avoiding?

Divorce?

Ha.

And mediation? Just another way of saying "play nice while I destroy you."

Are you always such a pansy?

You want to talk about risk?

How about you and OM are at the polar opposite extremes of risk tolerance!

Look at the risks OM was willing to take? HE was WILLING to RISK everything for a few shots at your wife. He was perfectly willing to take the chance that everything would become public. He was willing to take the chance that some crazed husband would hunt him down. So why would you feel compelled to pussyfoot around his family?

But you? Your inaction just screams "I don't care". How insulting for your WW that you don't have the FIRE to fight for her. What a contrast for her.

Your whole situation just aggravates me!

Mrs Wondering's OM was not married. No OMW.
However, Mr Wondering exposed his wife's affair to his mother in law .... who was instrumental in convincing Mrs Wondering to end her affair.

Exposure is not to embarrass the wayward. Although, they should be embarrassed!

Exposure is turning the light on in the room, so that bad behavior and immoral choices will be known to others. That can be very motivating.

...and neither was my W's OM....not married, no kids....nothing to lose, just another notch in his belt.

But, I exposed to OMs family, employer -- if the relationship was something to be proud of, why hide it, right? So, I exposed their little fantasy...Oms mom should be happy little sonny had a new girlfriend, right?

Not a chance.

They could only introduce each other to each other's family, children, parents, etc. now as 'the person I cheated with and helped me end my marriage'...NOT "my new boyfriend/girlfriend"...

Shed light on the affair, and it will die.

If she won't end her affair, you don't have a marriage anyway, really.

Expose.

oh, and here we are, not even a year later...out to dinner last night with W, who turns to me to say, again:

"I'm so sorry. I realize how much I damaged myself, and almost destroyed our family. Thank you for saving us. ILY, and I love this marriage. I love this marriage and I will care and protect it for all my days. I am blessed you gave me a second chance and that you are my husband."

My marriage does not exist, my family not intact today without exposure.

It works.

HFD was a regular receiver of 2x4s until he finally manned up. It saved his marriage.

Man up. Save yours.

DD,

I implore you -- expose.

There is no downside -- the worse thing your spouse can ever do to you has already been done.

There is a way to salvage your marriage and keep your family intact. MB is a plan to do that.

It begins with exposure, bringing light to the affair.

Please have faith, and take it from me -- somebody who hesitated -- that it can work.

I can't guarantee that it will work, but I can guarantee you won't have a marriage while there's a 3rd person involved.

Remove him through exposure.

AGREE.

It's been clear to me for a while now that you will not be doing an exposure but this:




Third time asking and still waiting for an answer...

Not really for you since you aren't following Dr Harley's advice but for the lurkers:

Do NOT go the mediation route with a wayward.

I went the mediation route. Know what it got me? Stabbed in the back a year later when she wanted to move away with her a new man and the kids.

You, my friend, are digging your own grave. YOU are doing this. I've warned you as a man who behaved exactly like you're behaving right now. I speak to you with the benefit of hindsight. You're blind to it because of your emotions.

Act. Expose. Get the legal hammer out.

Mediation with a wayward = negotiating with a terrorist

DD,

Did you expose? Your time of getting advice is running out....I know, I almost lost these people bc I wouldn't expose.

Do it... Come back and tell us you've done it.