I didn't get an email back, but I just remembered that you said it might be in my spam folder. I'll look. If not, I'll send the email again.

Thanks Prisca.

Not getting a response at first seems to be a fairly common problem. I don't know if they have a bad spam filter or what. So, yeah, just send another email if you don't have a response. And if that doesn't work, you might ask the moderators for help -- they might could get in contact with him for you.

Mrs Harley asked that I call her this morning, and she was very nice.

I am scheduled to be on the show this coming Monday.

That's great, Anointed! We'll be listening!

Can't wait to hear

Well, for some reason the show kept calling my cell # and got a busy signal the entire time. My phone was on and able to receive calls, so I'm not sure what happened. I was really disappointed.

Mrs. Harley has already responded to my email regarding not getting on the show (it is 15 min after the show ended!), and she says she addressed my question. I will listen to the rebroadcast.

She also offered to send me HNHN, but I requested 5 Steps To Romantic Love. I hope she is able to send it.

Oh, she just responded again and said they were one # off on my cell #.

Sorry to hear that Haven't heard the show yet, but Markos and I will probably listen to it later.

Markos and I listened to it tonight. Good show Sorry they weren't able to get you on live.

BTW, I was talking to Markos about you tonight, and I wanted to let you know that you're impressing me. When you came face to face with your demands and DJs, you didn't become defensive or try to justify your behavior. You've taken responsibility for your own actions, and have made great strides in controlling yourself and changing your marriage.

You go girl. Keep it up.

Wow, Prisca. Thanks.

That means a lot.

I still have a looooong way to go!

MrAnointed sent me a text today that said he read my entire thread and is now feeling lonely and insecure.

I responded with: "I understand that you feel lonely and insecure. I didn't intend to make you feel that way with my posts. I'm sorry I hurt you, sweetie."

Is that right? And now what? I get to have my feelings, right? My stomach hurts, and I have a lump in my throat like I've done something wrong.

I don't think I misrepresented him, but who's to say?

I don't like hurting him. We need help.

If those were his actual words I find them very interesting. They indicate vulnerability - not necessarily a bad thing.

I think your response was perfect. You could use this oppty to talk to him about - and validate! - his feelings, and reassure him that your most fervent desire is for a marriage that makes you both happy.

Then, urge him to start his own thread.

Not surprising. You did a lot of ranting, with DJs and such.
It is good to keep in mind that when you post here, your spouse will more than likely read what you've said. And if you DJ them here in a rant, it will hurt them just as bad as if you said it to their face.

I've found the best way to get rid of my own DJs was to stop allowing myself to rant at all. It will hurt your spouse, eventually. You don't need it. You can solve your conflicts without it.

Work on ALWAYS speaking respectfully of your husband.


I think your response was good. I would also go on to admit that you were wrong to DJ him, and reassure him that you are dedicated to eliminating all DJs from here on out.

DJing is wrong, always is. You can express your feelings without DJing him in the process. You can feel hurt or sad about something he's done, but that doesn't give you the right to abuse him -- even behind his back.

I think he is the one to say on that.

Most DJs are a misrepresentation, are they not?

Does he have a high need for admiration?

Dr. Harley has said that those of us with a high need for admiration are hit HARDER by DJs than everybody else.

Thanks kerala. I have always hoped that he would post here. I don't know if he will, but I think it would be quite beneficial for us.

Prisca, once again, I really appreciate your input. I see what you are saying about the DJ's (even in my own blogging). It's weird that I wouldn't have come to that conclusion on my own since I'm always talking about how powerful words are (even if the person I am talking about is not in earshot).

Something that I really admired about my daddy (he died when I was 19) is that I never once heard him talk negatively about anyone. EVER. And he had many, many occasions to do so. I really respect him for that.


Yes, I agree. I will talk to him.

Thanks Prisca. I need to completely get rid of that old thinking. I never have an excuse to abuse someone...my husband, my kids, the person driving crazy in front of me.

Assuming what anyone thinks or feels is a completely arrogant way of thinking...this is something I have fought tooth and nail in other people...all the while I was doing it myself.

I hope my husband will post here. And if you read this, MrAnointed, I am truly sorry for all the disrespectful things I said about you and for all the judgements I made. It wasn't fair, and it is not the way I'd like to be treated. I hope you will forgive me.

We still haven't done the needs questionaire. I hope we can do that together soon. I would think he probably does need admiration since he indicated on our marriage retreat that he needs to feel appreciated.

Self introspection is not the most enjoyable activity, but despite my feelings of failure, I am also feeling excited. I am learning new things, and that means we have a chance to do something new in our marriage.

Thank God.

Last night I apologized for the DJ in my thread. I also told him I was feeling insecure and unsure around him since I'm not sure how he will respond to things. I feel this way when he's upset with the kids too. He has AO quite a bit.

He said he understood that I felt insecure and could see why I'd feel unsure about how he'd react. He also said we were distant and that he's looking for intimacy.

I have not done a good job meeting his needs for SF this week. I don't know if it matters, but I started personal therapy for sexual abuse as a child this week, and I had two difficult sessions back to back on top of a demanding schedule. I'm feeling incredibly vulnerable and wrapped up in myself. I know this cannot continue.

Right after our discussion about my insecurities (we are talking a few minutes) he started having another AO because we were going to be late for something. I was shocked since I thought I'd given us enough time to get there (we were 2 min late, so I didn't) and I had JUST told him how insecure I was feeling due to his reactions. He kept trying to go on about it in the car, and I calmly told him to stop talking about it to me right now because I didnt like the way he was talking to me and we could talk about it later. He said ok but then added "I feel disrespected when you make me late."

I have been in withdrawal ever since and am afraid to deal with it. I don't feel safe.

I don't blame you for not feeling safe, anointed. His angry outbursts are the issue, here. Not you "disrespecting him" by "making him late." He is demanding that you have everything scheduled, judging you for not doing it, and having an angry outburst to punish you for not getting it done.

Here is what Dr. Harley posted to my wife on his private forum:


He was right. Even if your husband "feels disrespected," he should not be responding with angry outbursts. Abuse (demands, disrespect, and anger) does not justify abuse, although people who live with it do tend to become abusive themselves.

Let me tell you that as a father of six small children, I have been late to a lot of things, and I have had a lot of tension and frustration over that. I have had to learn how to stay completely relaxed in the face of frustrating scenarios like this (and many others). It takes an enormous amount of practice.

Do you think your husband would be willing to put a call in to Dr. Harley on his radio show?

I think it might help to be more direct to him. "Your angry outbursts are a massive problem for me. I do not believe we can have a good marriage until you overcome this problem."

I've been there, and angry too at the same time.

Mr. Anointed, if you're reading -- come here. We can help you get that intimacy.