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Ghost,
Many Vets take the weekend to be with their families. So let me give it a stab...
She will probably start to blame you, she may cry, call daddy for help...and more to deflect the real issue.
Have you confirmed an affair? If not, you will need to do that. Check her phone records, look for calls or text to the same number. When you get a chance, put a key logger on computer.
Does she have FB? If so, watch it. She will make contact some how. You have stood up to the affair, she will now look for help.
Stay positive, stay calm and stay here. Keep posting her reactions. The vets can see through most reactions and tell you what is going on in her head.
Great job so far!!
Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
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[What should I expect next MB veterans? Just stay the course. Be firm about not cooperating with the divorce. She is having second thoughts now and feels TRAPPED. So, you need to make yourself a SAFE PLACE for her to land. Be kind and loving, no lovebusters. But be FIRM about not moving out or cooperating with her divorce scheme. And get the evidence of the AFFAIR!! When you get it, come back here and let us help you with next steps. Don't confront her.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[Well if she still stubbornly after all this wants a divorce, well at least I did not punk out. She will want the divorce until you uncover and kill this affair. That is why am I pushing you so hard to get the evidence!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[Well if she still stubbornly after all this wants a divorce, well at least I did not punk out. She will want the divorce until you uncover and kill this affair. That is why am I pushing you so hard to get the evidence! Yea she is making no sense, you are right, getting so upset at the prospect of not getting a divorce. Would make sense to a wayward, they want so bad to be with their new lover.
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Do you watch James Bond movies? I never do, but others have said you need to be like James Bond in these situations. Be calm, cool, collected.................and strategic. See, she has no real plan. Her plan is crazy and unrealistic. But you have a PLAN that is realistic.
Just stick to that and get the dirt. In the meantime, be SWEET, but firm. Can you do that?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Do you watch James Bond movies? I never do, but others have said you need to be like James Bond in these situations. Be calm, cool, collected.................and strategic. See, she has no real plan. Her plan is crazy and unrealistic. But you have a PLAN that is realistic.
Just stick to that and get the dirt. In the meantime, be SWEET, but firm. Can you do that? Well I guess her day of scheming did not go so well, just saw her, eyes all puffy, been crying, I am sure she has spent all day trying to circle a square and make 3600 in income cover 4500 in expenses. Maybe Daddy finally told her, she has to grow up and accept her marriage vows are what they are. But she is a cagey one, right now she is not my wife, she is posessed.
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Well I guess her day of scheming did not go so well, just saw her, eyes all puffy, been crying, I am sure she has spent all day trying to circle a square and make 3600 in income cover 4500 in expenses. Maybe Daddy finally told her, she has to grow up and accept her marriage vows are what they are. But she is a cagey one, right now she is not my wife, she is posessed. Fantasy = BURST!! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You're right. Right now she's possessed. And she's going to try to figure out another approach. STAY THE COURSE.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Hume, it sounds like you did great. I predict she is going to rage and be angry for a while. Just hold on, okay? If you can keep your head when everyone around you is losing theirs ...
I forget, do you own Surviving an Affair?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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When a wife tells a husband she wants a divorce, most men act just like you and surrender at the first shot. Most will even pack up and leave because she wants "space." It is the ones who don't act like french surrender monkeys who save their marriages.
If you surrender at the first shot, guess what? YOU LOSE. Hey! Don't talk about the French like that!
Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
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When a wife tells a husband she wants a divorce, most men act just like you and surrender at the first shot. Most will even pack up and leave because she wants "space." It is the ones who don't act like french surrender monkeys who save their marriages.
If you surrender at the first shot, guess what? YOU LOSE. Well Melody I am trying, spending the money on the PI, going to find out what the frig is going on. I am a little put off by your tone. You don't know me and don't know my wife. You have not been here through all the gut wrenching talks and her coldness and surety of her decision. It's easy to judge and just say, well you just gave up. If a person says they will not do any real counseling, not intersting in saving the marriage, they will accept the consequences of the divorce and and will go ahead with it no matter what the other spouse says tell me how you would handle that. Until I have solid proof me flailing around, getting angry and accusatory is only alienating her more. If I get concrete evidence of an affair I can deal with that by exposing and doing what needs to be done. But right now I have nothing and even a PI may not find out the truth. The conclusioon maybe me letting go, letting the affair run it's course and see if she wants back. I love her but there are plenty of attractive, intelligent, genuine women I can fall in love with have a great marriage with. Her damn loss and she can take it up with God that she sinned with impunity, broke her marriage vows and committed adultery because she wanted to be happy. I will still do my best with my kids but it really is her call, to decide to stay, no amount of manipulation or psychology can change that, you have to have a spark of reconciliation and contrition, which right now she does not. Melody knows MB and how to use it. Which is more then you.
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When a wife tells a husband she wants a divorce, most men act just like you and surrender at the first shot. Most will even pack up and leave because she wants "space." It is the ones who don't act like french surrender monkeys who save their marriages.
If you surrender at the first shot, guess what? YOU LOSE. Hey! Don't talk about the French like that! What to buy a French WWII army rifle? Almost like new. Never been fired. Only dropped once.
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When a wife tells a husband she wants a divorce, most men act just like you and surrender at the first shot. Most will even pack up and leave because she wants "space." It is the ones who don't act like french surrender monkeys who save their marriages.
If you surrender at the first shot, guess what? YOU LOSE. Hey! Don't talk about the French like that!I What to buy a French WWII army rifle? Almost like new. Never been fired. Only dropped once. OK Hey, Don't talk about monkeys like that!
Last edited by CanItGetBetter; 11/07/11 07:17 AM.
Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
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OK
Hey, Don't talk about monkeys like that! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well after a weekend which looked a little hopeful yesterday morning was not good. I was drinking my coffee Sunday morning, wife came and sat down on the couch across the way form me. She asked me to talk to her. Very unusual. Anyways I was taking a hardline stance on the divorce , me keeping the house , etc. Well she informed me her family was going to buy her a small townhouse in town here and I could keep the house. She said her Dad was getting a lawyer for her and that I should also, she will be filing after Xmas. I was crushed and very despondent. She said we could have joint custody kids sleep here 3 nights a week and she gets them 4 nights a week. Well I was calm, no lovebusters, I did not react. This kinda took her aback, she said..�Well what do you think of my idea�. I said �Look I am not cooperating with the divorce�. She says, well I looked that up and 2 years I can get one whether you sign the paper or not. I got nothing on the VAR this weekend , except talks to her mother and sister, not divorce related. I talked to a PI firm and it�s $750 plus mileage and expenses. I am going to set it up for next week Monday and Tuesday. I will await their findings and then I really have to close the book on the OM idea if there is nothing fishy. It�s been 4 weeks and my snooping has turned up nothing and I need to let the grieving process go forward and accept reality here. She is fully out of love for me and this whole situation is not helping me or my kids, Dad moping about. I have to get a life, a new life maybe the prospect of her not in it. My years of love busting have destroyed her affection, love and admiration for me. I would like to stay married to her, I would, we could have a good life. But she sees the opposite, a life of my moods, depression, and being sometimes verbally abusive. Right now call it what it is, my only play is a breakup, let time go by, me be the best Dad I can, make my own changes and then try and court her again. Longshot, in fact about 1 in 10,000 but after a while I am sure as it always does my heart will heal and I can find love again as can she.
Sorry Melody, unless we have an affair scenario here, yes I have to start to let her go.
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Sorry Melody, unless we have an affair scenario here, yes I have to start to let her go. Why? It will be even easier for you to win your wife back if there is NO affair. Not harder.
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My years of love busting have destroyed her affection, love and admiration for me. That's pretty typical for marriages that arrive here. Right now call it what it is, my only play is a breakup, let time go by, me be the best Dad I can, make my own changes and then try and court her again. Wouldn't that plan be more likely to succeed without the breakup?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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My years of love busting have destroyed her affection, love and admiration for me. That's pretty typical for marriages that arrive here. Right now call it what it is, my only play is a breakup, let time go by, me be the best Dad I can, make my own changes and then try and court her again. Wouldn't that plan be more likely to succeed without the breakup? Well she is going to leave, I can't stop her
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gc, that is exactly what you should do. Try and win her back while quietly sleuthing to see what she is doing. Don't cooperate with her at all. As you can see, by not cooperating, you have given her second thoughts about all this. That is good, because she needs a dose of reality.
I do not believe there isn't an affair, though, and am hoping you find something. It is much easier to save a marriage when there is an affair but it is certainly not impossible when there is not.
And we already knew she had fallen out of love. That describes about 99.99999% of wayward wife affairs.
I am sorry you are so hopeless, but as someone who has seen this play out hundreds of times over the years, I am not nearly as hopeless as you. Your wife is clearly fogged out, and as reality intrudes on her little plan, the more hope you will have.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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