Hmmm. I don't think this is it. She was a cheap whore, and while I know she met needs of my husband's, I know I can easily surpass her abilities in this department.


This could be part of it, though he never said she interested him with conversation. The big appeal for him was sex and her ability to orgasm during intercourse. That's what he mentioned when he said he mistakenly believed they had a magical bond of some sort, or at least were more sexually compatible than he and I. FYI: We have an active and fulfilling sex life, but it's not as easily orgasmic, shall i say, as it was during the first few months of our dating. Could it be that I'm still insecure about how satisfied he is sexually? And I'm masking it in this conversation business? OR is it something else? Hmmm. Will ponder on it.


Absolutely.

At this point in our recovery, I feel like I SHOULD have slayed the insecurity dragons. But maybe this is more of the ANTI-versary issue coming up?

I'll ponder more about the WHY this "I don't remember what we talked about" issue continues to frustrate me.

Cheers,
SP

"That has nothing to do with us - that was then, this is now." The job falls to us to educate on what it has to with with our needs now.

I think one of the main difficulties with recovering from any betrayal isn't necessarily about the details of the A, more about what were some of the underlying issues/ needs not being met.

IMHO: if you have the answer to that question then why do you need to ask about the needs it met. The needs you have that aren't being met or are....

I read some of the emails, they are still there, almost word for word in my head, when I want to wallow they are there allowing it. NOT healthy. If you had more words, they would do the same for you.

He made mistakes, he's trying to fix it from what you say.....where is the benefit in picking scabs?

why no focus on some sexy UA time, a cuddle, nice meal, snuggle up with a DVD?

Seems like a better use of your time.

PS yes 6 years......but if we can do it.......what stops you with a man you love who loves you??

Remember at any time, nobody faults you for a divorce, either. That's your right. And most people choose it. Choosing to recover is choosing to buck the odds. If you follow the recipe exactly -- including never bringing up the affair again once you know the facts -- you will recover together. If you modify it... well, good luck either way.

Indeed DoNoMo a get out of jail free comes with Dday, but from what I read on this thread the OP still loves he WH, he wants to make it work and is doing a lot of good stuff.

I was simply saying that it worked for us and it went on for 5 years after I knew. That makes not bringing up the A hard as it is all contaminated, yet we manage it without AO's and without discussing the A.

We aren't perfect and we are still a work in progress, but my world now, in comparison to my world this time next year, is amazing.

We both work hard to keep it on track.

I'm confused... I was not aware OW was still after Sweet Pea's husband. ???

Focusing on the present and future is where you need to concentrate efforts, that's for sure. I think former BS's struggle with wanting to know the history fully, from all angles, to make sure it does not repeat itself.

For me, I think part of me wonders how trust can ever really be there fully, knowing I have a spouse that did not take his vows as seriously as I did in the fidelity dept. You want to go back to believing your spouse "would never".... but you just can't.

However, this can make for a better marriage in the sense that not allowing blind trust means you are vigilant in keeping things good in the relationship ... so long as both parties are committed to that. Personally I do not plan to be the only one ensuring our path does not stray down a rocky road again. Once you've been betrayed you just want to feel your spouse is doing everything he/she can to keep you safe.

As for affair discussions... I think it is confusing in a sense. We aren't supposed to talk about it anymore yet we are supposed to be O&H with both our past and our present. I've even seen someone suggest a weekly time set aside to discuss A issues suggested on one thread. You want to be able to say to your spouse, "I'm still hurt and skittish from what you did..." yet, you know discussion is a lovebuster. Is not asking about the affair not being honest with where you are at if you're still struggling as a FBS?

That's just something I wrestle with - and I believe this is at the core of SP's issue here.

Gang:

As far as I know, skankho isn't chasing husband. I've seen no evidence of it. (However, FHW's birthday is Wednesday, and they did massive amounts of talking/texting last year on his big day, as well as talked about their rendezvous that they were planning the following week. BARF!!!! So, I'm dreading if she sends him something or tries to contact him. Hopefully, that won't happen!)

Sunny: You hit the nail on the head. Sometimes the affair comes up. For instance, we JUST revealed it to his parents last Monday. I know, violated MB philosophy, but it's a long story. Anyway, they know now. It's all good ... well as good as it can be. Anyway, so his affair comes up NOT because of anything I say, but from someone else altogether. Plus, when we were on vacation three weeks ago, his sister brought it up.

And yes, there are times when I'm still horribly triggered, and I feel that he should know.

But, as I was counseled, I always try to tell him calmly and without judging. That it's about ME and my recovery; that he's doing everything I've asked.

So, yes. It seems to be a mixed message on the affair talking. Especially for those of us hitting the one-year mark. Not quite fully healed, not devastated either. Still needing some back and forth -- though rare! -- on the issue.

Thoughts?

I'm glad you clarified that, SweetPea. I was confused by this statement and thought I'd missed something. OP to me meant "Other Person" meaning Other Woman still loves your WH. Reading it again, maybe it was a typo and Tanam meant SP still loves WH.

I'm guilty of quite a few typos these days - typing fast and on the run, lol, so I know it happens!

As far as the year mark, I am not sure why - but I am finding triggers much harder now than I did at the 6 month mark.

I am sorry, I used OP as Original Poster not other person!

Oh triggers are tough and on Ginge's birthday and their anniversary last week I made it a good day for me, I mucked out a friends 4 horses for her and it wasn't till the following day I realised just how symbolic an act that was!! I know thats not everyones idea of fun....but there you go, I enjoyed it. FWH and I also had a good time later.

We don't do any A talk at the moment, haven't for a long while, it's not worth it, we both get upset and I also have to bear in mind that this was a LTA and he has feelings too. (No 2X4's please, he did care deeply for her but cared more deeply for us in the end)

I do have times of wondering but generally feel the time has passed and that we are both better focusing on the here and now and the future. You can't unknow stuff and it's in the past so why make it in your present? I can't think of anything worse this far out than to sit down to discuss it.

I have said that I need extra hugs as the antiversaries are coming up, and he gets it, we have been closer this last few weeks that ever.

I think it's taken me this long to let down some of my defences to allow myself to be vulnerable a bit!!

Thinkin of you ((((((SP)))))

AHHH....Original Poster - I can see that now!

Tanam:

I LOVE that you mucked out stalls. Maybe I'll clean our yard of dog doo on 1-year D-Day!!!

And no worries about OP misunderstanding. It's all good!

Some part of me doesn't want to say a word on eve of D-Day (when I KNEW something was up, but couldn't nail him) and then be silent on D-Day ... until FWH acknowledges it. Even if it's to just tell me: I'm sorry, and I promise to keep being the GOOD FWH you now have. No affair talk. Just a simple acknowledgement of my feelings and his hard work.

I know I'll probably get 2x4s for that!

Well, just watch your expectations. Since we are on similar paths I can tell you that with my H, he was not even aware of Dday or any other anti-versary. When I spoke to him about needing extra TLC from him during this time, he was taken back and mentioned didn't even think about it and "was focusing on the future" not what happened last year. My thoughts? "Well, of course you are - because I wouldn't want to recall all the harm I'd done, either!"
But I was good - and didn't say it. LOL


SO, you may get your feelings hurt if you say nothing and he also says nothing. You'll be expecting the acknowledgement and promises. He'll be going about daily living without a 2nd thought. (Unless Dday is something that by date is firmly etched in his memory as well.)

Sunny:

And I'm pretty sure silent expectations is violating Openness and Honesty. Dang! I sometimes HATE abiding by MB rules.

Sometimes I just want to be BRAT! OK, not a brat, but a really pissed off betrayed wife.

Maybe I'll hit a punching bag that day or something.

In any event, it looks like I'll have to work those days anyway (Nov. 12/13), which will really burn me (I blame my schedule for our marriage drift).

I WILL remind him -- in the nicest non-Love Busting way that he REALLY WILL need to go the extra mile on those days, 'cause I don't plan on hiding any emotions. Not planning to lash out, but if the triggers come, by God, I'm gonna let 'em.

I don't do 2x4's I made way too many mistakes to be allowed to do them.

FWIW I might doubt that he will get the significance of the date. the general time maybe, as in oh yes, it was in November, but I don't think chaps get dates in the same way as us girls often.

Don't sweat it, make it a wonderful day, or two, be at your Plan A best (yes I know you aren't, but remember that feelings follow actions) sparkle and make him really clear why you both made good choices.

I asked for a letter for my birthday, thats all, it's my birthday tomorrow..............he knows what I want and I know thats really really hard for him.

Tanam!

Happy birthday in advance!!!!!!

Doubtful I'll be on the site tmr (too much work). So, I wanted to say it early, just in case.

Hope your FWH writes you a letter. You DESERVE IT!

And, by the way, I love your British accent (even in text), when you typed the word "chaps." Love it!

Aww shucks I don't have an accent, you do!!

Thanks doll, will keep you posted.

Hang on in there, breathe first and then speak, he may or may not say anything but watch for his love language.

Mine works on the house........nest building.

Threadjack here...but wanted to add my HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you as well, Tanam!!!


I like the accent too - esp. the "plonker". LOL

And yeah, silent expectations do kinda violate O&H, Sweet...LOL. Thanks for reminding me!

Thanks for the birthday wishes. I had a lovely day.

Who would have thought this time last year that I would be here, well on the road to recovering and finding myself back in love. Last November I was so unhappy and had emotionally checked out, was making plans to leave and couldn't see a way forward other than to go.

I can't remember the last time I thought about leaving, I don't think we have ever got on as well as we do now, and yes I got my letter, he listed all the reasons for loving me and wants to wander into the future holding my hand.

I am sure we will still have twists and turns but they are no where near as difficult as they were before I put my foot down, pulled on my big girl pants and acted to end the misery.

There is a clear way forward which means we keep our eyes on each other and on the goal and work more at that than looking backwards.

Tanam! Glad you had a good birthday.

It was my FWH's birthday yesterday.

Is it fair to ask him if skankho emailed him or called him? The other worry I have is if he checked his defunct gmail account that he used to chat with her.

I feel like I should be able to ask these questions (in a non-Love Busting way) to ease my mind.

This time last year, they were extremely hot and heavy via text and phone. I'm totally paranoid that she reached out for his birthday. Grrr.

Hi SP

I don't know, I kinda work on the basis that the less we mention Ginge, the quicker she dies, the same with their relationship.

You H seems to be trying, seems to be doing all the right stuff, why not just enjoy that? Any mention of her will bring her into his thoughts and from what you say, he really isn't interested or pining for her, he wants to be with Sweetpea.

As my counsellor once said to me......he's emotionally immature... not stupid.

Is your H aware that any contact he makes with her and thats it..game over? Is that indeed the case?

Do you have the password for the secret account? I do for Plonker and Gingers so if I couldn't get into it that would tell me he had been in and changed the password again and that would be goodnight Vienna. Do you have an agreement that he will tell you if skanky contacts him and that you will both decide on a response or no response?

Go with your gut but I suggest if you do ask you preface it with something like, I don't want to discuss it but can I just ask....his response should tell you enough.

Then make him a drink and snuggle up.Don't let it spoil this birthday, it spoiled the last one.

I would think it would be better to concentrate on the EN and reminding him that you need O&H rather than asking about contact.

Just a thought.