The children ought to know what happened.
That way they learn how to live a better life themselves.

It is a necessary part of marriagebuilders implementation.

Whoa, you cheated on your husband AND you have a history of same sex attraction? I can't believe this guy is contemplating going anywhere near commitment with you again. How do you know those homosexual feelings won't come back? This to me, is the biggest danger hear, bigger than even the 10 year affair. Most men need sexual fulfillment which would be difficult if you aren't even attracted to the male sex.

This to me shows the biggest reason that BHs should go into Plan B on their WWs. This affair could have used a good dose of reality stuck into it. The BH was propping it up for it to last for 10 years.

KK, there is help for you here, you are going to need to do the hard work. It isn't easy. It is always worth it.

And just an FYI, the people who were posting to you previously have recovered and HAPPY marriages now, thanks to the program found in these pages. It would do you well to listen to what they have to say.

I do believe people can learn from their past mistakes and I do believe in the Karma bus, I know I have a vastly different perspective today than I had ten years ago because of the things I've gone through and through reading on this site. I hope kk has learned as well. One of the first things I would suggest though, is getting honest with the kids. It's not good to have secrets and lie, that doesn't set a good example, and it is sure to come back and bite you when you are least looking. I hope your XH can be certain you won't leave for another woman...or man and that both of you can fully grasp and live the MB concepts...without which you will surely find yourself if the same situation again. If you want different results, you have to have different ingredients or it will turn out the same.
I wish you the best and hope you can look past some of the vinegar in these posts and recognize that with all of their sarcasm, they are trying to speak some cold heart truth because they care even though it may feel/sound the opposite. Of course you also have to realize that most of those who come here have been on the receiving end of infidelities and many have lost their spouses to affairs, and as such, they have a painful experience/memories so it's bound to affect their responses when they hear about someone who has cheated blatantly and then comes back all of a sudden and says they're marrying their XH and their happiness sounds almost glib. We can't judge, only caution, that we hope you're serious and hope you both know what you're doing...brush up on the materials here, it sounds like they didn't sink in the first time, once you understand the concepts, it only makes sense that that is the only kind of a marriage one would want!

Well said kayc, I agree with what she said whole heartedly!

Yes, you are hearing from people who mostly got hurt by their former partners. Naturally, the comments from us might be harsher than those from your casual girlfriends when you tell them the same story over lunch. But I do believe it is critical for anyone who was the one who had betrayed and destroyed his/her family to truly hear, feel, and understand the magnitude of pain he/she had inflicted on. Without it, he/she will do it again, and I believe that is why cheaters tend to be serial cheaters because it is really not a big deal, they do not truly understand the mess and hurt they created because of their selfish acts.

I am happy for your BH and children if this is going to be different this time and it will be a solid, loving, caring and trusting family again that you are rebuilding. And I am happy for you, if you are genuinely grateful for your patient BXH and feel humbled, and have the strong determination to make things right this time to save your own family.

The harshness of the comments has NOTHING to do with being hurt by spouses, but because the truth about her behavior is harsh. This poster is extremely foggy which explains her aversion to the truth. She blames her spouse for her cruelty and shows no remorse at all. The comments here are only pointing out her fog, they have nothing to do with any imagined "pain" of the poster. One does not have to have been involved in adultery to recognize that it is extremely foggy to:

1. blame your 10 year affair on your spouse's "complacence"

2. brag about how you were "faithful" to your adultery partner

3. demonstrate absolutely no remorse for destroying 2 families

It is clear to me that this poster has managed to surround herself with people who have bolstered this little fantasy, which would explain her aversion to the comments here.

Dr Harley, for example, has never personally experienced infidelity in his marriage yet he makes it clear to adulterers that adultery is the worst thing that can be inflicted on a spouse:


He doesn't say those things because he is "in pain" but because they are TRUE. A fogged out wayward needs to hear TRUTH, no matter how harsh.

It is the TRUTH that is harsh when you are behaving in a despicable manner.

I went back to your old posts from 2002, not 2000, under "candybars." Looks like you had had another posting name prior to candybars. Anyway, you left out the fact that this was your 2nd affair and that you have ALWAYS considered yourself bisexual.



The reason that I bring this up is that despite the fact that you had been here for a couple of years and were trying to reconcile with your H at that time, you were justifying breaking a cardinal MB principle (NC for life with any OP) to maintain a friendship with OW1.

Why is that significant (to me at least)?



Because I am very concerned for your BH. There still doesn't seem to be any REAL understanding/implementation of Dr Harley's teachings.

A successful recovery requires extraordinary care and protection and an acknowledgement by the WS that it was not unmet needs that led to their affair/s but a lack of extraordinary precautions being used. I don't see anything in your posts that indicate this...at all.

You can't cherry pick the program. This will lead to disaster and you have already put your family through he!l. Your XH shouldn't "trust" you, and you shouldn't be seeking therapy for the reasons WHY you had your affairs. If you are still following along, I strongly suggest you actually read the articles on this site and implement the ENTIRE program. Good luck!

kay,

I don't know whether you were including my posts when you wrote this, but I do hope you were not. I object to anyone coming behind me to explain my posts. I don't know why anybody would feel that they need to do this and I feel that this is rather presumptuous.

My posts speak quite well for themselves, I believe. If not, only I can explain them, so people should ask me if they need any clarification.

You do not know my motivation for posting as I did and I would not appreciate your attempting to explain me.

I didn't mean to offend anyone, I try to state things in such a way that the message will be heard and received since that's my goal. You can say/do whatever you want. I'm sorry I ruffled you, I wasn't trying to rewrite your words in the least! I speak for myself, okay?

Thank you, kay. I appreciate your post.