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I'm just trying to do what I can with what I've got.
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I know.
I talked to our realtor about putting the house on the market. We are upside down almost 100k. So there is no way for me to sell it, I'm looking into renting it out, so maybe we could keep it and move but the apartments I have found so far are only about $200 less than my mortgage, even if we go down to a 2 bedroom.
I figured out th money already, if he quits his job, we save about 760 a month in day care, but add 350 a month to cover insurance JuSt for my kids. Not us. So we'd save about 410. Maybe a little gas.
He will not move out of this county. It's a mssive county but we are in the lowest cost area that is safe. The next city over would save us some money on rent, but it would increase our gas, and my kids will not go to school in. That district. And the crime is awful there.
I'm trying to do my best here. I really don't see how it's effective or supportive to turn your back on someone whose come here for support. I already said I'm not trying to buck the system, but how will putting us out on the streets solve our marital problems?! No insurance means no therapy. No job means no money. My pay is enough to cover our mortgage (or if we lost the house, rent) and about another 800 a month. Which won't get us far. I already called wic and welfare and we are just barely above qualifying with a family of 4.
My moms trying to help but is defaulted on her mortgage (great which she just told me). My mil already has my bil and sil living w the. Because she can't afford her mortgage.
My grandma has no money. I've spent a huge chunk of savings on all this stupid spyware. One of our cc are already maxed out.
Im tryin really hard to do the best thing. But I'm not going to put my kids out on the streets....that's irresponsible.
Im trying. I didn't know part of mb was chastising people for trying. I don't know what else I can do. You have your plate full. If I were you and wanted to save this marriage I would get very creative. Some options---let the house go. 100K upside down? Must be some nice house. That would allow you to move anywhere. And your WH should not be 'refusing' to move after what he has done to your family. If you are free to move anywhere your husband can find work FAR away from that OW. That is your best hope of surviving. Check into state insurance for your kids....often the income limits are higher than those for WIC or foodstamps. If your WH quits your expenses CAN go down substantially. Don't underestimate how much he is spending on gas. Figure it out right now...drives 20 miles a day/ 20 miles to the gallon $4 a gallon...do the math. If he is home he can make some money doing something right? Paint houses, do yard work---something.
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you've got to get your head around the idea of a total re-structuring. you and your husband have to undertake radical change now.
he needs to quit and make finding another job his ONLY priority. he is an addict and you sent him straight back to the crack house. get him out of there!
start figuring out what it would look and feel like to dump the house by any means necessary. start thinking about where you can go to start over a bit.
in your situation, there's a very scary POSOW waiting to sink her claws into your man. it's time to really decide what you're willing to do to fight for the survival of your marriage and your family.
that POSOW has nothing to lose and is acting like a brazen fool. get your husband out of there and get your mind behind the notion that to get this working and thriving again there need to be major shifts now, shifts that can actually get the two of you closer together and healed as opposed to in the swamp of crazy with no paddle, no light, no leadership, no nothing.
the lawyer gave you a sense that there will be life after this if it crashes and burns. have you made up your mind about what you want here and what you're willing to do to make it happen?
be willing to entertain the idea that to keep your family intact, you must let go of a lot and start over. this could be the adventure of a lifetime. quit putting your energy into lamenting what you're actually participating in.
GET HIM OUT OF THERE.
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Is actually not. Southern California (which i probably shouldnt say) is expensive. We bought the house (one of the cheapest we could find) for just over 300k in 08. It's now worth just over 200k. We have almost no equity bc we refinanced to lower our payments. It's 1300sq feet. And 50 years old. In a not so nice area. It's expensive here.
He spends 45 in gas a week. So that's about 180-200 a month. If he quit hismjob, he'd still have to use part of that to go job hunting, take care of the kids. The kids school is the same distance as his work (they are about 2 miles apart) so I'd still drive them to school, but just to pick them up he'd use the same gas he uses now. We don't eat out for lunch, either of us. So there'd be no expese cut there. His work pays for his work shoes, no expense cut their. His work pays for his cell and we get a discout on our whole phone plan, so we'd add that cost. I already cut cable, Internet down to low (which sucks btw) and phon plans before this because we where paying off debt. My sl are on interest only but schedule to go up soon. I might be able to delay them another 2 years.
We also filled out a fafsa to see if we could get sl for him to go bk to school. If we get more than what his school would cost maybe we could live off that. Haven't heard yet.
It's not like I'm just not trying here and laying down....I'm trying.
Letting my house go wouldn't allow me to move anywhere because I'm still employed here. I could transfer elsewhere in socal if there are openings, so he is lookig for work throughout socal, to open the search.
I'll call state insurance and see of we'd qualify. Thank you
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I have thought about just letting the house go. If I stop making payments, we could probably stay there about 6 months. Apartment would only be about 200 less than our mortgage, no big savings there.
I don't know much about how it affectats my credit to let the house go or default for a long period of time. Not sure if I'd be able to save it?
I'm not overly in love with my house. In fact I'm mad at it because I'm upside down. But I don't know where else we'd live. If an apartment would save me tons of money then ok I'd do it...but it won't. I have a call in with 3 rental places. One says I can get 400 a month less than my mortgage, which obviously wouldn't help.
I'm trying to figure things out. I have my finances pretty well cut and estimated bc we did cash only before this all blew up.
We looked into selling his car, but it's worth what we owe...so we wouldn't have any money to buy a cheap car or motorcycle...
My car is a compan car so like I said I lose it when he leaves work. Wich is fine and not a factor in him leaving or not. I can buy another car
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So Cal could very well be the death sentence of the marriage. Being tied to the area due to
your job
his refusal to leave the area
It is tough dealing with the mess an affair causes.
You will be making choices that are tough. The best chance of your WH staying on the straight and narrow in the marriage is to leave that job immediately and to agree to regular polygraphs to prove he is being open and honest with you. If he doesn't agree to them.....he isn't in the marriage enough. Enough for you and the kids.
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She is a crazy posoW. I wish I could get her fired or get her to quit.
I thought about sending anonymous letters to her boss...
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it's not all about the money. it's about being able to see new possibilities for your marriage and your family. maybe your costs would be roughly the same and he'd have a new job. you'd be living in an apartment somewhere and feeling relaxed and more able to heal. your family would be stronger and you'd feel safer.
you change things up to give yourself the best opportunity for healing this. any other way is torture.
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How do we get polygraphs? He'd agree.
He intalled his own gps on his phone and car (not knowing I already did) and brought them to me.
he also has Skype set at his desk so I can log in and see him all day
He offered to wear a syware camera but they are expensive
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I agree it's not all about money. But having a roof is an issue. I dont have to Maintain everything about life...but we need a safe roof.
If one of us found a job somewhere else we could do it...but we couldn't just both quit and uproot and run away....with no where to go. We have no famiy anywhere else to go to. And how would leaving the only support I have help me?
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He's meeting with someone about a transfer today he says. They just called.
They have jobs opening in December and February. February is so far away...
But if he leaves where he is he loses his Shot at those other possibilities.
I hope he gets that interview where my friend works.
The Skype camera helps me. But I'm still sick all the time. I'd probably feel That way eithr way
Last edited by confusedandtorn; 11/08/11 11:13 AM.
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stay close to your job as another poster pointed out. move to the far side from where your job is to get him away from the scene of the crime.
no amount of seeing him on skype would satisfy me if i were you. in fact, that whole scene would annoy me. it's way too cute considering what's just transpired.
get him out of there and remind him of who's in the driver's seat, hint...not him. i would take charge of this thing and make it radically different. you are asking for suffering by continuing the way you are now.
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Is actually not. Southern California (which i probably shouldnt say) is expensive. We bought the house (one of the cheapest we could find) for just over 300k in 08. It's now worth just over 200k. We have almost no equity bc we refinanced to lower our payments. It's 1300sq feet. And 50 years old. In a not so nice area. It's expensive here.
Letting my house go wouldn't allow me to move anywhere because I'm still employed here. I could transfer elsewhere in socal if there are openings, so he is lookig for work throughout socal, to open the search. You are still not thinking radical enough. You of course would have to find a new job too....OR your WH might find a job in a lower cost of living area and your wouldn't have to work! Either way, you have to get radical in your approach. I would get the heck out of that area for many reasons....not the least of which is the rat race way of living. My dh moved from that area to OK about 16 years ago. He hasn't regretted that at all. His parents had moved here a few years earlier so that helped them in their transition..but it can be done with NO contacts in a new area. We had dinner with his parents Friday along with another couple who moved from CA to OK a few years back. They are THRILLED with their new way of living. It is radical. No question. But you need radical or you are going to go crazy.
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If one of us found a job somewhere else we could do it...but we couldn't just both quit and uproot and run away....with no where to go. We have no famiy anywhere else to go to. And how would leaving the only support I have help me? You need your family support if you are going to divorce. And of course you may end up deciding to do that. But as long as you are trying to save your marriage you need a new start. And yes, I think one of you would have to find a new job elsewhere....get creative. He needs a new job anyway, so why not just look for one FAR away.
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We had to file chapter 7 a few years back. We let the house and car go back. On the house if you let it go back you will be able to live for about 6it months rent free. That can go into savings.
Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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start putting some energy behind your ability to survive and thrive in this period of change.
no more confused and torn. how about clear and collaborative?
you can create incredible change in your life now if you stop trying to hang on so tight.
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You're getting there CAT (I like that acronym!)
Think bigger...
Georgia?
Ohio?
North Carolina?
(Those are big hubs for the racing industry....)
Cost of living is better. Costs lower. Crime less. Schools better.
What is your industry? Could you relocate in a bigger way?
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Is actually not. Southern California (which i probably shouldnt say) is expensive. We bought the house (one of the cheapest we could find) for just over 300k in 08. It's now worth just over 200k. We have almost no equity bc we refinanced to lower our payments. It's 1300sq feet. And 50 years old. In a not so nice area. It's expensive here. I think most of us are doing the math per square foot there on housing costs outside of California. Check around, you'd be surprised, but your size/age home is around $75k here in the quiet suburbs of a southern state capital. $300k is a new 3,000-SF house. Food for thought, but it's cheaper elsewhere. Your old marriage is dead and, like others suggest, you'll have to come to terms with the fact that a new way of life is in order. It doesn't have to be a bad thing, you know. Just start planning.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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you can create incredible change in your life now if you stop trying to hang on so tight. Well said. I won't say "look on the bright side", but it's a golden opportunity to effect some real/positive changes. Just take a breath, don't panic, decide on your goal and then go one step at a time to achieve it.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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I'd love to move out of state to be honest...bigger home for less money, maybe the possibility to work from home. But I don't know if I could leave all my friends and family and be alone. We have a lot ofsupport here we wouldn't elsewhere.
I'm in proprty management. It's decent in Florida I think. I have a friend in georgia...she says it doesn't pay well there and isnt big.
But I could transfer my skills to other industries.
Plus how do I take me kids from all their grandmas and cousins?
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