Let me put a plug in for North Carolina. We are the heart of the racing industry. Cost of living is low compared to SoCal. In the town I live in now (Winston Salem) property management is a big business - we have two large colleges and one smaller college, so there's a ton of rental property. We have three NASCAR tracks within a few hours drive, countless race shops in the Concord, NC area (an hour and change from Winston). Schools in some counties are excellent. Feel free to ask the mods for my email if you want more info on the area. I love North Carolina.

My mom moved here from Torrance, CA 40 years ago and hasn't looked back yet.

Good luck CAT, I hope things work out for you.

Confused, sorry, I wasn't on line today, I just got caught up. Many of us have been in your shoes, it IS hard, there are a ton of emotions, and it's hard to think straight, let alone make decisions...all at a time when you need to be level headed and make good decisive plans. If you need any help with your emotions, talk to the doctor, I know he put you on something but I can't remember what or if you're still on it.
People don't mean to sound dismissive here, but there are some people who are really experts and spend a lot of time on here trying to help people...they are naturally going to spend it where they think it'll be put to the best use, and if someone disregards MB teachings, they won't waste their time any more because they already know what the end result will be! It's essential when an affair has taken place that there be NO CONTACT and when there IS contact, it brings it back to square one and there are constant triggers and upheaval emotionally for both WS and BS and there is no healing going on or progress made. The house is just a place to live and there are other places to live...it's essential, in this kind of a situation, to think outside the box. Forget having nice jobs/things, right now top priority needs to go to the marriage...things can be re-acquired later. If this ends in divorce, you will both lose everything anyway, so you have nothing to lose by focusing primarily on saving your marriage, which would be the best thing you could do for your kids anyway. You have young children, they will adapt, they will make new friends if you move, and family can come visit once you're settled. As they've stated here, you can continue to live in your house for a few months and save your money if you let it go back to the bank...millions of Americans are going through this in America right now so at least it won't be a personal strike against your credit...just one more American going through it. I would set a time limit on your husband leaving this job...by the round of interviews in Dec. at the very latest...actually, knowing what I know now I would probably say the heck with it, you're not going back to work, at least you'd be working and he could stay home with the kids. His car can go back too, you can buy a junker or take public transportation, people used to do it, at least you'd save on a monthly expense. Start thinking of ways you can save instead of focusing on reasons you can't do this or that. Please listen to these folks here, they want to help you save your marriage, and believe me, it's more important than house/car/job/stuff. I know you aren't hung up on money, but you are a practical person and you can see a lot of potential to worry about. Try following the MB principals and see if God will not bless you! Pay attention to your spiritual selves and feed your soul, you will need the nourishment in the days ahead. We're here for you, still here, we're rooting for you. I know what it feels like to feel frantic, scared, not know what to do, etc. but that too passes, what's important is what you're left with when the dust is settled.

I'm sorry CAT, You are both very young, and yes you have done well in this attack on your marraige, and responded also in a realistic way. You were wise to listen to the vets and nip this in the bud.

Now you are left with struggleing with a lot of emotions.

Why I seem to be so hard on you, is that being 54 and going through a lot of false roads I like many of us, recognize the false idols that this world presses on us, that are really blind alleys to human relationship.

Yes it is a challange to keep the bills paid. To hold our head up and pay our way. To owe no man nothing but to love them.

But here is the question we come down to, how important is love over money?

Does love go deeper than emotional needs being met? I believe it does, but the needs still need to be met anyways, just like food and water.

You should be concentrating on the ENQs, and both of you looking into more than what seems good to others, and looking into what is good for you as a couple.

Someone said your marriage as it was is over, and that is true, now you rebuild it from a new place, and it can be stronger than before, being more mature, and learning as you grow together.

Some other have suggested you be radical for the sake of your marriage, that is good advice also, because marriages are always under attack, and the attacks are radical also, there are allways "reasons" for infidelity if you want to justify feelings and live in that fantasy world.

So if I confuse you don't take it as negativity but as just a way for you to think outside of the box, and be encouraged that we are batting for you too.

The world you knew, has been torn apart, but it can be built stronger than before, on different foundational stones, and different values also.

You are going though a growth stage that many have had to go through. I am sorry you have to do it, but am secure that this place, the books, the Harleys, and God will see you through.

C&T, I hope you haven't felt run off, and maybe you are taking a break from the forum because you are "Confused and torn".

None of us blames you because adultry is so painful, it has been quoted as like rape, and even more painful than physical abuse.

We can understand, because the bond made in marriage is one of your very soul, and the oneness you are working for is torn apart, as you are also.

The trust you had/have, is hard to regain, and the confidance in yourself is also shattered. It is very scary, we know, your whole world as you know it changes.

I am here because I know what it means to fail at the recovery process, and because I know we can recover, if we find it important enough, and follow a strict set of rules, guidelines, and priorities to our relationship.

And I know it is worth it also if both parties agree to do so.

Like I said before, you are young, both of you, and this challange has come before you, and maybe you feel that it is not worth the effort, that you can do better, that there are other options to your life.

But what you work and fight through will mean more than anything else you could ever have, inside, where it counts.

I know that you are not a believer per say and said that you were thinking of going to church and praying now, but I have been there also, and faith co-exists with doubt, that is why He is called an invisible God.

Sometimes we do not see His wisdom until we are hit right in the nose with these types of trials, and our values are challanged. Then we see what the scriptures are saying.

To that spirit I will quote scripture and beleive you will hear it again new with different hearing, as all of us maturing in life hear things new, and even scripture differently as our eyes are opened.

1 Peter 1:6-8
King James Version (KJV)


6 Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations:

7 That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:

8 Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory


Marrige is a institution of God, and the spiritual part that needs to be honored in it is what is under attack for you.

Its a War for the mind and the spirit is where the spiritual warfare is being held. Most people don't think of God as a God of war, but He is, and where his Standards are upheld,(Like the battle flag Standards in a battle field), are places you can rest in and find support and strength in also.

Numbers 23:19
God is not a man, that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent: hath he said, and shall he not do it? or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good?

God is not petty, a trickster, and He is also truthful and honest, not hiding anything from us. He is also above us, and many men want to live without aknowledging the truth He gives us. This is the pride of life, when we think we know more or can work around what He says we must do to live right.

Now you are challenged to re-educate yourself, and rebuild what God had started, in this evil world full of tempation.

When you did so well in your exposure I knew it was because you are smart enough to respect the authority here, and you knew in your heart this was wrong. In your heart, it did not steer you wrong.

I want to encourage you because you followed authority at that time in response to what your heart said. Did you know that the two people in the bible that Christ said had great faith, were a soldier and a women of another faith? They had nothing in common and were not students of the mosaic law, but they understood authority, and they believed in mercy.

I know this has thrown you into a very confusing place, and it all is coming crashing down, and you are grabbing what you can to keep it all going, and confused about whether it is worth it. I understand, but just remember we are on you and your husbands side, and want to see you both recover.

I wouldn't be talking to you if I didn't know you can do it, and I wouldn't waste my time with someone I didn't respect.

The rules that are nessesary to recover completly are tough, and I know we all want you to succeed.

God Bless

Please let us know how you are!

Confused, What happened to you and how is it going? Please give us an update...