My goal is to save my family.

Because your goal is to keep your kids mother and father together in a happy marriage.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. (and I think I always spell desperate wrong)

You have a friend in GA? That is a good place to start.

Of course it doesn't pay as well...but you can buy a 1300 sf house for about 1/5 of what you spent for current house.

Ill work with Wh tonight and look into it. Maybe he cam talk to some contacts at work.

We agreed when we got married we'd never leave Los Angeles. Because his family is here. I only have my parents and grandma, and theyd probably move with me...which I'm sure would must thrill Wh. He can't stand my mom.

I'm not unwilling to make changes. I'm just unwilling to not have a plan....

I don't think anyone is advocating you to not have a plan.

We are just telling you to get radical.

Right. Don't just quit your job, get in the car and leave. Rather, get some idea together of what you want to do and go from there.

You'll feel so much better if you have a path to follow.

You can do this, you know.

The world is your oyster.

Look at it as an oppurtunity to give the children a wonderful chance to learn to make new connections and build community from scratch. An amazing skill that is cool to have.

Plan A and prepare to plan B.

Your plan B may be to be ready to build a new life in Florida while you wait to see if you WH joins you or stays forever with the OW.

It might actually be a freeing and amazing experience.

You could get a place where friends and family could visit you and stay awhile.

Sort of a confusedandtorn bed and breakfast for those you love who want to hang out in Florida! That could be cool.

One thing for sure. Dealing with infedelity in a marriage will show you what you are made of and what, deep down your H is made of. You will find out for good or bad at the end.

My husband is from hesperia. He moved to the TN/GA line in 1994. We went out to his home town this year and he was ready to come back "home"

I don't see why I need plan b if he's done everything I've asked for right now.

He isnt with ow

I realize he's still at work but that's bc we rethought it.

I appreciate the need to decide and take action but it does seem like some people are saying quit and leave like...bam.

The plan right now is find other work. ASAP. Which we are trying.

Ok, so what are we to think?

Your concerns about money and provision for the children are certainly realistic issues, and it is responsible to work and provide, but why don't you take the choice of him leaving the job then?

I understand that you need money to live, but at the cost of your peace of mind and maybe your marrige?

The job was to provide FOR your marrige and what it should and can be right?

Jobs can be such idols and take much of our attention, focus, and our ego becomes attached to them. Could it be that they are easier to maintain than our marrige relationship?

What is the relationship that is more honest and open, and where we are more human and fragile? Where do you open up with all your weaknesses bared before one another?

The job is an ego status symbol and we are not saying to not work and pay your way, we are saying your marrige is the more important of the two, and as it is apparent because of the affair, the more difficult to maintain

You have to make some choices here, and we know the wolf is always at the door, and balancing your income is part of your challenge.

It's just washing dishes is good enough and living in an apt with a meager income compared to the loss of your marrige relationship for some of us.

Does this make sense to you? Or do you think whatever mindset your husband has at that job is better than the one you would have with an intact family?

Sorry you have to choose this but you wouldn't be the first. Maybe WH will have to swallow his pride for the sake of your marrige and your sense of security.

His pride went before his fall

We are not giving up on you BTW, just refusing to accommodate poor choices

CP...I don't know why but I'm really confused at your post. I might not be thinking clearly but I'm having a hard time understanding your analogy I guess. But I've been cryi g for 2 hours so I may just be spent.

I dont think the mindset he is in at that job is the best. Or that staying at that job permanently is the best. But, I don't think quitting today with nothing in place would be best for our marriage either. I think that would be almost as much of a blow to our shot as him staying.

Wh will quit if I say quit. But he also doesn't touch our money. He doesn't even know the ins and outs of those things so he wouldn't give it a second thought.

I understand refusing to accommodate my choice. That makes sense. Im just trying my best.

With this job temporarily in place...how can I keep doing things to repair my marriage and take stps, even tiny, toward healing.

Someone said "I'm done here" I'm pretty sure that is giving up on me and turning a back on me. Saying "your making a choice I see as bad and detrimental to your marrriage" is a different statement and one I understand and respect.

I just would like help with what I've got...

Should I go to his Vegas trip fri-sun? Or is it not worth it?

And...I'm sure this is wrong in mb theory...but...if he can't stay away from her while he temporarily works there...doesn't that show he isnt willing? I have people there reporting to me about both of them, I'm in his work email all day, and I have all the spyware. So I'm as sure as I could be that he isn't seeing here. Cause...I feel like it's the best I could do w what I had

why even risk your family by "testing" him to see if he's strong enough to be at work without being tempted? it's impossible to recover while he continues to work there.

do not let him go anywhere by himself! no trips to vegas alone. he is not well right now. this is why you need to take charge of this thing. you cannot depend on him right now, sadly.

get wild in your thinking. you need to do it. set the dread and grief aside and get moving on making big changes.

I dont have any choice on the work Vegas trip. He's obligated to go for work for 1 week. Then to fl for one week the week After thanksgiving. Then he's done they said they won't make him (of course hopefully hed be gone by then)

I think that sounds like two good opportunities for both of you to look for other jobs in those areas. Think outside the box about moving. Don't look at salaries alone....look at how much cheaper you can live in those places. Look at it as a new star t.

Yea his trips he is at shows and stuff so there is definitely good networking.

Confused:

When someone like Martial gives up on you, it's because you've exhibited so little regard for MB philosophies.

I have dipped into your thread on occasion, and you are all over the map. You're "crying for 2 hours" one post, and defending your cherrypicking of MB advice the next.

I don't mean that to sound harsh, but it is difficult to keep up with your issues.

What everyone here is telling you is to:

1) Calm down.
2) Get a plan to get your husband out of his job as soon as you can.
3) Work the Marriage Builders program (UA time, EPs and ENs)

Now, on the specifics of this trip? If he has to go, and you can go, even for a while. I would go. Make it awesome UA time and work on meeting each other's needs.

Cheers,
SP

And I just say prepare for plan B. Have plans should you need to get into them right quick.
Having the plan B set up in order in your mind gives you choice should your H ever turn out to not be done with the affair.

Having alternatives for various junctures is good.

I said that, confused. And I wasn't saying it to dismiss YOU. I was saying it to dismiss ME. I have no further advice I can give you. You have not agreed to NC. They still work together. The conditions that caused the A have not changed, and you are unwilling to change them. There's nothing more I can say to you except 'good luck'.

I'm trying to calm down but its not exactly easy. I know I'm all over the map. I realize that. And I'm not defending that. I just can't help it.

I have all my plan b stuff in place. I did that right after he came home. I have my intermediary and a drop off pick up place etc and a divorce Atty if needed. So I'm good there.

I am trying to find how to get him out of his job. We are doing that. It's not going as fast as I'd like, but that's not something g I have control over. I'm not willing to go homeless.

And we are working those plan items, we got 17 hours in of ua time last week, and we've been working on en and ep and love busters and all that.

I'm aware it's difficult to keep up. I can barely keep up. Your right. I'm fine one minute. Mad the next. Crying the next.

And there has been nc

As far as what your WH has told you.