This is a very important point. When your husband has an angry outburst toward this children, it is also a withdrawal from his account in your love bank, which is why you feel the same way.

Over a year ago when Prisca started communicating about my angry outbursts to me, I was upset that she included angry outbursts toward the children. I thought she wasn't being fair. But of course, she was -- her emotions felt absolutely the same way when I was angry with the children. And it was important for her to communicate that to me.

In fact, earlier this year Prisca marked down an angry outburst I had at a Burger King drive through. Again my first thought was that this was unfair -- after, all I wasn't angry with her! But of course she was right. My being out of control toward anyone in her presence is enough to make her feel unsafe and debit my account in her love bank. Plus, even if I'm not angry toward her, being angry at all is reinforcing the habit of anger, making it easier to become angry with her in the future.

It has to be completely eliminated. And it can be completely eliminated.

Markos is right, your husband is making demands, DJing you for not following through with the demand, and punishing you with an AO.

You did great not responding in kind. That is always the tempting thing to do.

You will not feel like "dealing with it" until he makes you safe. The only way he can make you safe is by eliminating the AOs completely. Neither of you should ever tolerate letting yourself lose control with an AO.

Have you gotten "5 Steps to Romantic Love" yet? It contains forms to help eliminate AOs.

How is your UA time?
How many hours?

Forgive me if you've already answered this, but have you invited Mr.Anointed to create his own account and start posting here? Markos has made great strides in controlling his own anger, and could help him learn some practical tools.

I just want to testify a bit to this;

My W will AO if she can't find something. It's not directed toward anybody, but it can seriously plummet my mood in short order.

It is especially noticeable when your LB$ balance is low.

UPDATE:

I'm still in complete withdrawal and have not met his need for SF. It has now been over a week, and he says it feels like much longer for him.

We tried to talk about what happened 2 separate times on Saturday. I explained why I was in withdrawal, and he stated several times that getting aggravated is going to happen. I asked him if that was an excuse to have an AO? I told him when I tried to make excuses for my poor behavior on this forum, I was ripped to shreds. (*as well I should be, and I'm very grateful for that.)

He asked that we talk again later Saturday afternoon, and we did. I finally shared some details about what happened during my therapy sessions earlier last week regarding my sexual abuse. I then told him about an incident with my first boyfriend when I put myself in a bad position and something sexual happened even though I said no. He then went on a long lecture about how I can't blame the guy 100% since I put myself in such a situation. It wasn't a simple sentence...it was a long, angry lecture about how I can't blame him for everything and that I need to take responsibility. WTH? I jerked myself right back into my shell after that and explained to him why. He apologized for lecturing me, but the damage was done.

I told him I wanted to stop and get ready to leave so that I wouldn't make him late, but I also wanted to be sure we made time that evening for SF. He said he missed that.

When we got in the car I told him I really need to get unlimited texting since people text me all the time now. He then said that it doesn't make any sense to do that since I never have my phone on me anyway. Again, WTH? We JUST connected emotionally...I shared my intimate feelings and explained that I was feeling especially sensitive and he criticizes me right off the bat.

I then said that I would like for him to say, "I feel____ when you don't have your phone on you." rather than the criticism. I said to him "I feel disrespected and unappreciated when you say I never have my phone on me because there are lots of times I DO have my phone." He said that I'm not doing my job when I don't have my phone on me since I have agreed to answer some business calls for him on my phone. The calls are rare, and there have been some instances when I've missed calls. I then told him he is free to take those calls himself because I feel unappreciated. He said, "How would you talk to an employee of yours who did not always have his cell phone?" I told him that I wouldn't talk to an employee the same way I'd talk to me because I'm an EQUAL and not a SUBORDINATE.

I told him that I was hearing DJ from him, and that I could say "I feel like you are a big jerk" but that wouldn't make it a feeling statement. He smiled but the conversation was over because we were at our destination.

When we left, we dropped by a family member's house. Then we got dinner and picked up some reserved movies. We watched movies until 2am and were noticeably distant.

We went to bed. No SF.

Yesterday we busied ourselves with our own independent projects and barely spoke. I snapped at him once in the kitchen, but other than that. We are completely withdrawn.

Not sure what to do. I've felt so hurt and unsure for many years as I've brought up this stuff before but didn't have the terminology to explain myself.

This sucks.

Thank you markos. I appreciate the validation.

I'm not sure if he'd put a call in to the radio show or not. We are in withdrawal, and I've been afraid to approach him.

Wow. Just the thought of pointing my finger directly at him like that scares the crap out of me. I've done it many times in the past, but now that I'm being vulnerable and don't have my weapons of retaliation I am terrified of saying this.

But I will.

Wow. Thank you.

We haven't received the book yet, and our UA time is severely lacking. When we were working out regularly together it was probably about 8 hrs a week. UA has been pretty much nonexistent this week.

I have asked MrAnointed to post here several times with no direct answer.

Thank you HHH.

There have been so many times throughout the years that I've been almost convinced that I was asking too much by wanting the AO and DJ to stop.

I just didn't know the terminology. I would just complain that his behavior bothered me. I didn't know what exactly it was but I knew I didn't like it.

Also, I did want to mention that MrAnointed witnessed his father have AO while growing up.

I have personally heard his father berate his mother in such a way that I was positive he was speaking to a dog he hated. I was shocked that he was actually speaking to his wife that way. I was very close to letting him know how inappropriate it was, but thought better of it. (We were on a family vacation together with all of my husband's siblings.)

Maybe I'll start to feel stronger soon. I am dealing with some old wounds in therapy, and now I'm facing these issues in my marriage. It almost feels like too much.

Have you ever seen an armadillo curled up in a ball to protect itself? That's how I feel. I hope my armor is strong enough.

Stop talking directly about the AOs for the moment.

Dr. Harley's plan involves sharing lovebuster sheets once a week. When your spouse lovebusts you, you simply write it down in a log with the date and a description of what happened (leave the DJs out). Then you share it once a week with each other. Don't argue about what's been written, but take it as a way to learn what you're doing to hurt your spouse.

When you have gone 4 weeks without committing the lovebuster, you can consider it eliminated.

That should be the only way you talk to each other about each other's lovebusters. Very few couples can do it face to face while it's happening. Talking about it during the heat of the moment usually will just escalate things.

When he AOs you, don't talk about it then and there. Write it down. Share it later. Our coach had Markos and I sharing these things by email, to avoid the danger of lovebusting each other face to face.

Talk about this plan with him and see if he'll agree to it.


This is part of the problem here. The program will not work if you don't get at least 15 hours UA time in.

When Markos and I drop below the 15 hour mark, the way we treat each other and feel about each other is visibly different. It's very, very easy to fall back into old habits.

Take some time and schedule 15 hours to meet the four intimate EN - SF, Conversation, Affection and Recreational Companionship. Show him the plan and see what he thinks. AVOID RELATIONSHIP TALK DURING THIS TIME LIKE THE PLAGUE. Make this time the most enjoyable time of your week.

To say that ya'll have had a bad week is probably an understatement. Reading through your posts, I see where you both have lovebusted each other. It's time to put the weapons down and get back to work on your relationship. Mr.Anointed, that goes for you too -- the Demands, DJs and AOs MUST stop.

Has he committed to you that he will eliminate the Demands, DJs and AOs?

The two of you can start this week fresh, okay? Don't dwell on the mistakes of this past week, commit to make each other safe by eliminating the lovebusters, and take care of each others EN.

BTW, ((hugs))
Been there, done that. Markos AOs were some of the most devastating experiences I've ever lived through. Dr. Harley is spot on when he calls them abuse.

It can get better, though. You've been learning to control your own anger. Mr.Anointed can learn to control his, too.

Have you considered putting aside that personal therapy for awhile and concentrating that time/effort/money on recovering your marriage? It would be a lot easier to face the old wounds if you're in a wonderful marriage.

Mr.Anointed,
Check out angerbusters.com and consider purchasing the book "Anger Busters 101" by Newton Hightower. It is the best book on anger for men written by an Anger Management Coach. Protect your wife. Read it.

Anointed, if you want to click notify and ask the Mods for my email address, I'd like to exchange email addresses with you. Markos and I would like to send you some books.

UPDATE:

Last night I told him that even though we were both sad that I'd like to meet his need for SF.

In the past the thought of being intimate while he's upset with me made me feel degraded. There has been a lot of fear.

This time there was no fear. I just wanted to meet his need.

Okay. I've still been quite frightened but I'm willing to talk to him.


Ok, I'm actually nervous about this one, too. I'll work on it.


No, he has not. He hasn't been reading Lovebusters like I have. I hope he commits to this with me.

Yes, I have. I actually started going to therapy at MrAnointed's request. It affects SF somewhat, and after going to 2 sessions I see that I am truly affected by what happened to me.

I'll talk to him and see if he'd like me to put it on hold until we get going with MB.