Ok, here is the story. But first let me say sorry to anyone I haven't directly replied too in this thread. Your advice and questions are given freely on your own time and I appreciate it. I'll do my best to answer and respond to all.

I'll try (again) to keep this short. This is just the bad stuff. Good things happened too:

Year 2000: Married. Amazing love. She also initiated sex as much if not more often than me.

Dec. 2002: W walked into the bedroom where I was doing chores and in a matter-of-fact way informed me she didn't need or want sex, it's not important to her, and we are just roommates. I then met a woman online and had an emotional affair for a month or two. When the OW wanted to meet in person I realized I was doing something horrible and ended it. I have never had any contact with OW again.

Early 2003: Confessed affair to W right after I ended it. She didn't seem to care. Told me to get my needs met where I could.

Mid 2003: W went to psychiatrist, diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. She is taking meds to this day. She stated showing affection and sexual interest in me again. It didn't last. Psychiatrist warned us that the meds destroy libido.

2004-2005 (not sure): Went to Las Vegas for the first time. Decided to visit brothel with W (she was curious about women). Sex with W was amazing for a few months after. Then went back to infrequent. I figured she occasionally needed sex with someone else to fire things up. I started pushing for finding another man because I didn't want another woman. W started pushing for me to find a sex partner because W didn't want it as much as I did and I shouldn't have to go without.

2006: Another trip to Vegas. W sent me to brothel as a birthday present while she went to a spa. She didn't want to go because her curiosity was satisfied. I ended up not doing anything there because I couldn't perform. I kept thinking about W and how I only want her. Told W at dinner that night and she just lit up. She was happy I couldn't do it without her. Affection and sex restored for a few more months.

2006-2007: Affection was average/mediocre. One night we had a drunken 3-way with a guy we knew. Again, for a few months she was all over me.

2007-2008: Decided to have a baby. She went off her meds and started wanting sex all the time. I was convinced the meds were our problem. She can't stay off them and still function in day to day life. Based on past experience I concluded to combat the meds my W needs to occasionally get a one night stand to keep the fires burning.

2010: I had a one night stand. I didn't like it. I don't want anyone else, I want my W and I want my W to want me.

2011: Convinced that the only way I'd ever get my SF needs met was for W to have a fling now and again I pushed her to find someone.

Sept: We setup a profile for her on ashleymadison. After a few men expressed interest she said she didn't want this and wasn't going to do it. The next morning she told me she changed her mind and wanted to give it a try.
She then met the OM. For the first two weeks after meeting him in person she wanted sex with me all the time. Almost every day. I started realizing she was emotionally involved with OM and I was just the available body when she couldn't see OM. I asked her to end it. She was very upset but did so. Two days later she was suddenly fine. I asked if she was still seeing OM and she admitted she called him.

One week later she saw him "one last time" to say goodbye.

Oct. week 1: Started marriage counseling. Not through MarriageBuilders. Didn't know about this site yet.

Oct. week 2: W and our toddler went out of town to visit W's friend. Left Friday, came back Tuesday. Trip had been planned many months ago. I discovered W had contacted OM last week after first counseling appt. To hide it W had her mom relay text messages between her and OM. That way I would only see mom's number on the bill. W told me OM just wanted to know how counseling appt. went. I now start snooping hard.

Week 3: The next weekend we went to dinner and a movie. Decided to skip the movie and went to a hotel room. I thought things were looking up.

Week 4: My dad died. W and I started really talking about where our lives were and I noticed inconsistencies in her recent history. Did more snooping. I confronted her mom about the texts and she said she only did it those couple of days and she wasn't involved anymore.
W gave me all the excuses like, "can't we just forget about it and move on? Why do you keep bringing things up? I can't remember exactly what happened."

I asked for a divorce. The next morning she pulled out a calendar and said, "This may not matter now but here is everything that happened." And the list follows.

1: W had sex with OM on the "day she said goodbye". W decided to text through mom. W almost got caught by accident so she setup a fake Facebook profile and messaged / chatted through there.
2: The weekend trip to a friends was only Sat. and Sun. Friday she spent the night with OM in hotel with our child and did it again on the way back Monday night.
3: A week after this W took child to zoo. She texted and called me during the trip to tell me what they were doing. OM was with them the whole time.

Note: OM lives about an hour away so It's not like they can just bump into each other. Every meeting has to be planned.

I've confronted W's parents but they take her side. "This never would have happened if you didn't make her find another man." W's friends take a similar stance. We had our first MarriageBuilders phone appointment.

The day after I exposed the OM's continued membership on ashleymadison (from the first post), W and I had sex. She said she was trying to meet my needs just like I was trying to meet hers and like our MarriageBuilder's counselor said. She said she really enjoyed it as well. This was last Thursday.

Last Friday we went to a very fancy dinner and had a show to go to. During dinner I said, "I'd like to see you this weekend" (old code words for being intimate). She rolled her eyes. I told her I wasn't trying to pressure her and she said, "good because it makes me uncomfortable."

Now I don't know what to think. Did Thursday's sex happen just because she was sad and lonely after finding out the OM was just a player? Was she really trying to meet my needs? Am I just the warm body to be used for booty calls for her needs?

Am I to understand that this has been an open marriage for some time? You actually set up the account at ashleymadison together, so that she could have sex with other men.

You thought that this would benefit you sexually, but what actually happened was that she became attached ago OM and not you. You have found yourself to be "just the warm body to be used for booty calls for her needs" and you don't like it.

You thought that you could control her responses after she had sex with other men with your blessing, and you are now finding that it doesn't work like that.

So, given your willingness to have an open marriage, your objection is not to your wife having sexual relationships with other men, or to her contacting other men today, it's to the fact that she no longer wants to have sex with you as a result of that. Is that correct?

mbtechguy, you should have been forthcoming with this before. Cherry-picking your history has given us an incomplete picture of your situation.

Okay. So you've been in an open marriage. And you're now seeing the negative outcome of such a dangerous arrangement. The sex act is an act of intimacy between a man and woman to bond their commitment to each other. You've both engaged in activities outside of your marriage that have eroded that special bond between you.

I'm going to wait to hear what Steve has to say to you in your counseling session tomorrow. I believe your M is salvageable if that's what you're both committed to. I just want to caution you to be completely honest with Steve! If you're not willing to do that you're wasting your time and his.

I need to learn to be a much different person than I have been. I'm scared.

Looks like Thanksgiving will be tricky. We've always done it with WW's family but I'm not comfortable seeing them right now. The compromise we have is that W will go to her family in the afternoon for a couple hours while our turkey is cooking. I don't think that either of us are in full enthusiastic agreement but it's as close as we can get right now.

I told W that I just can't work on fixing us and my relationship with her mom and dad right now. I need to focus on our marriage and her parents will just have to wait a bit.

Good news: we worked out a compromise that we both agree to.
Bad news: We were working on some of the things Jennifer asked us to do plus we were spending some of our quality time together when WW started to cry. She said she didn't know if she is strong enough. That it felt like she was standing at the base of a mountain and she didn't know if she could do the things that make me happy ( by that she meant meeting my EMs ). I said every relationship has this mountain. It would be no different if we were with someone else, and that I'd rather climb this mountain with you.

It still hurts to hear though.

Thanks again all for the support. I have a question.


Last night we discussed the issue of SF (among other things). WW wants the right to say no even if we have the time scheduled. I told her she always has the right to say no. Then she told me not to express disappointment or anger when she says no. I fully agree with the anger part (something I rarely express anyway) but I don't think it's right that I should have to hide my feelings.

I don't have a poker face. So even if I just say "thank you for your honesty" and continue on W will know I'm not just happily accepting her answer. But we're only in recovery week 3 so I don't want to make things worse by making her feel guilty when I don't react positively.

What do I do?