I can say that again.

Always the double post from the Smartphone.

Hi Mike,

It's tough with the LTA business, the feeling that if this went on for so long under your nose, how would you spot it again?
I think the hurt is somehow harder when you realise they could do something so hurtful for so long.

and of course we ask ourselves how could we be so blind, so trusting, and how can we move forward.

The mind movies hurt, and sometimes we get so fed up of those feelings that the idea of spending time with them being nice is the last thing you want to do, so it gets put on the back burner. Abit like the dripping tap that needs fixing.

Yeah you know it but........

Honest, it's been a long and very hard road for me and i did it all a bit backwards but doing stuff together, making the time to get to know them again, asking what makes them happy (and listening) those things made it work I think. We never mention the Ginge or the A.

Thats another hard one as so many memories are mixed in and damaged, but I guess you get that one.

I realised this weekend, I had stopped thinking about leaving. That is huge!!

Hang on in there

I realised this weekend, I had stopped thinking about leaving. That is huge!!

Yes, it is. Bully for you, Tanam! And perfect tenor for a note to provide encouragement for MSS.

Mike, the example is there to be followed.

We had my W college friend and her kids stop by this week unexpectedly who is in the know of the A and instrumental in our recovery with no-nonsense advice and straight forward admonishment of my wife. Ive mentioned her and her husband in my SAA thread.

She came her in the midst of my last run of sadness and depression and she picked up on it immediately. She let me have it like few others have since this started. Nothing like a tough love session to kick you in the you know what.

She suggested we either separate or manage to live separately under the same roof for the kids sake but my depression is visible and possibly worse than outward AO'ing at my wife (which I explained I havent done in months and never in front of kids).

Told her neither are options and Im progressing as best I could. She meant no harm.

--------

Anyway, I do feel Im on target with other BS timeline of recovery so its nice to know there may be silver lining eventually.

I did speak with OMW again the other day as I intercepted an email from her to my W asking if they could speak. I asked her what she wanted and she had some questions:

If OM didnt record their sessions, would my wife have a hatred towards him?

What was the relationship like early on?

And, if I left my W and she left OM would they hook up again?

These were non-sensical, but I did ask my wife each of them. The first answer was that my wife's interest in her husband towards the end was of a transactional nature and little affection was left. (Again, tough to hear one's wife was able to live like that, but lets not go there again.)

The second answer was as murky as the 100 times Ive asked that same question but my W said OM threw money around like King Midas and she got carried away by it. Thats it. That was this great relationship.

The last answer was "No f-ing way". My wife said she almost lost all that was in her life for meaningless baubles and has nothing to show except a scarred husband and eight lost years to make up for.

Its still clear she is having her troubles at home. OM business is in the tank and that is compounding their issues.

Oh well, couldnt have happened to a nicer guy.

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Roller coaster is riding high lately. The UA really has been awesome. Talking and looking in her eyes has been a revelation to us, actually.

I know, DoNoMo et al, youve all said it would.

Have a good weekend.

Spent the weekend doing all to keep positive and the love flowing. Thought about depression and how I thought I was doing a good job shielding the kids from it and how I need to do better at keeping it from showing its ugly face.

To hammer home the point, on the front page of cnn.com had this link: http://www.cnn.com/2011/11/07/health/dad-depression-affects-kids/index.html?hpt=hp_t2

The level of the destruction that an affair creates is beyond any philanderer's conception. Its interesting that the human brain will allow such activities as adulterous affairs to continue despite what the participants HAVE to know is unrepairable damage to everyone.

The level of the destruction that an affair creates is beyond any philanderer's conception.

The destruction, as you're discovering, has width, as well as depth, so in addition to hitting the principal victim with extraordinary force, the impact resonates through children, parents, friends, coworkers, people that had little/no control over the contributing environment (like both partners) or the decision to stray (as did the WS).

I have a very close friend - the one I stayed with during the OOP banishment - who is (believe it or not) more highly focused on religious thought and structure than our own CP. He was a huge support to me during my worst time (basically kept me alive for two days), and it was only months later that I learned that he had watched his father conduct multiple affairs while my friend was a young man. He firmly believes that he was burdened with being a witness to that multi-year horror so that forty years later he'd be equipped to counsel me. He also warned me to the possibility was that I was probably karmically destined to aid some other BS in the future.

So, all of this being prologue, my point is this: You will be the best unguent to help heal ALL the collaterally damaged persons in your particular situation. As children see you recover, as friends watch you reconnect, as family observe your renewal, THEY will take strength from YOU.

I watched Bruce Almighty over the weekend. My closing exhortation to you is a derivative of something Morgan Freeman says to Jim Carrey near the end: "You want to SEE a miracle? BE the miracle!"

Ah, the 6-month dday anniversary. I wont be getting her any cards for this day. Ill let it pass like any other day. I really dont think she spends a minute thinking about the calendar like I do. Counting the days to mark milestones like many of us tend to do.

I asked her last night if she knew what the today was. Maybe the question was too obscure as Im very focused on May 8 and 9 as the fulcrum in our marriage. With the balancing act still very much in my hands, I was disappointed she didnt know what today meant.

After I told her what the day was she said, "I dont like to think about our life before that day therefore that day doesnt have the significance to me. I have wiped our existence before May off my memory and only look to the future. I try to do everything I can to make you not look at that day as much as you do. Its clearly a trigger to anger and anxiety and if I were you I do more to think about tomorrow and next week, like I do. The affair will not define me or us someday. Until you stop analysing every minute of the time I spent acting unconscionably you are not going to get happy. I want you happy."

She looks forward not backwards. I envy that of her.

Im mired in the past.

Well heres to the next six months and the climb out of the muck continuing.

Gotta keep moving forward.

I'm trying to kick the habit of reviewing my journal form each day a year ago...today a year ago OM talked to her in work to share that his HIV tests came back negative. Does she even remember? You think I'm going to remind her? I wish I could forget...

This month into december, it seems, is a trigger each day.

I am doing my best to remember a few things that NG has mentioned:

"The flowers, not the roots"

and

"The affair is A thing that happened, not THE thing that happened"

Question; how did your gut react to this part of the statement?

How would you categorize it?

How do you address it?

MSS Im glad to see you still hanging in there. I had to take a break from here. Not DR H just from forums and dwelling.

As the BH Mike, I get where you are coming from, but I also get the other stuff she said too.

As for reviewing an old journal HFD, wow thats serious scab picking.

Now stop it. Both of you have WW who made a stupid set of choices. They got found out and both of them are making huge efforts to meet your needs.

Are we ever happy, living in the moment, enjoying what is rather than what might have been.

Nope we are sitting here moaning. Yes Hills I know why you had to take a break, I don't visit the SAA forums hardly ever now. I called back in to post an update and got hooked again.

Partly cos I do somehow care to meet with others who have been in my position, but also to check some ideas. But come on, we are a bit

yes I know you are trying but I want more more more.

I choose to enjoy the changes, look forwards and enjoy today, knowing how different it all could have been.

Lock the journal away HFD, please!!

I think shes very anxious for me move on with our lives and for me to stop waiting for history to change. It was the truth and one can't argue with the truth.

Spoke to my wayward husband friend from out of town today. It's great to get his propective on things as hes 2.5 yrs out from his dday. It's also scary. His wife has become a woman he has always wanted intermixed with a crazed loon still questioning his every move despite allowing her all the access to any info she wants. He offered to have his car gps for her. All sorts of eps even though he's not a mb adherent.

He can't gain her trust. I mailed him my copy of SAA. I think they need to rework their recovery.

Fair enough. I think you give her beneficial thought with that. It's some progress.

However, Mike... I want to know how you really feel about that statement.

HHH-

It didn't bother me. I know she's trying her hardest to make me whole and I'm not moving forward as much as we both would like.

She doesn't want to discuss any of the a at all and I'm not asking about it. But, she very well knows its part of my daily thoughts and there is no way of knowing when that will end.

Mss

This has been bothering me since earlier in the week. Did I overreact?

Prelude: factor that my then 11, now 12 year old daughter learned what a BJ is and her mother's decision to do them to someone not me for a long period of time on dday and our careful post dday guidance of her. (Not to mention my 10 year old boy has shown an uptick in rambunctiousness since dday.)

The other day I get home and my wife is excited to tell me our little girl is going on her first date. After school the next day with a boy we know and another couplevwho we also know. No problem with me.

She the n can't wait to tell me that she told our dd to let the boy know he needs to bring money because "boys always pay".

Now if you have any recollection of my wifes actions over the past years you may see a correlation to her connection to OM. Let the man take care of you mentality has served her disasterously in my opinion. The man in most cases wants things in return like BJs and then he wants more.

Maybe the frozen yogurt will result in a handshake thank you today but someday and I hear soon that boy is going to ask for more for his yogurt dollar.

How about having our daughter pull out money and pay the bill? Refreshing. Unexpected. And sets a tone.

I told my wife I was disappointed in her parenting once again. That advice she gave our kid is so poor in light of recent events that sometimes I don't want her even speaking to our kids.

Am I wrong?

Mike, as a mother of four grown children, and grandmother to six, I think you're both wrong. Why? IMO, a 12-yr. old should not be dating, double or otherwise. Your daughter is not even a teenager yet, when the fun really starts!

For your wife to encourage this is troubling but not because of the $$ issue. Call me old fashioned, but your daughter should be going places with groups of friends where everyone pays their own way and definitely chapperoned from destination to destination.

Decisions about parenting should be made together and you should present a united front. It's not easy being a parent and sometimes you have to be the bad guy to protect your children. Next time, a decision like this should be made together and discussed out of earshot of your daughter. I hope you didnt criticize your wife in front of your daughter. That would not be good and it teaches your daughter how to get her way by driving a wedge between mom and dad.

She didn't think this advice through before giving it. I've learned she rarely thinks things through.

My dd to has known and plays with this group of boys fir years. She was sort of a tomboy. I had no issues with the after school "date". Just the lousy advice

DJ, buster brown.

Just as expecting her to give the same gravity to calendar days was a DJ.

Your DJs, even when unspoken, feed your AO's.

Knock it the crap off, bud!

KK?

Remind me, Mike; what path are you two using to guide your recovery?

Home study?

Online?

Books alone?

Mike,


When the DJ's start creeping into your head, I want you to try to put that away, and go to the "nothing box."