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Welcome, fishyfish. I'm a little confused. You say your BF's father had an affairage? Do you mean he had an affair with this younger woman? Is her father married? You've mentioned the father's children, but you didn't say anything about her father's wife.

What is your goal in contacting this woman?

father's wife is very upset because she will have to bear the burden of caring for the children alone (this may not be financially possible, but since the children are over 21 the father is not really legally bound to contribute financially).

to be clear, the father had an affair and then married the mistress after an abrupt divorce that really confused and hurt the mother.

we just want to see if the OW knows that she is ruining the family situation for two disabled children. i understand that it's really the father's fault, and that if he doesn't want to deal with his kids, then he isn't going to even if his relationship/affairage doesn't work out in the long run....

HAs the OW met your BF and the WS's family?

No. Actually, the father hasn't even told the family that he was married or that he had an affair; we only found documents confirming that he had married. He generally removes his ring when he is not around the OW. the father won't tell anybody anything about the affair/marriage even when pressed; the furthest he has gone is just confirming its existence without elaboration.

We don't know how much/how little the OW knows. but if the sick and dependent children come into the picture, might this change things?

Okay, this helps, thanks fishyfish.

This is a little out of my area, so hopefully someone who has background in this will jump in, but there may be some law or requirement that will force the father to continue supporting his disabled children.

This woman lives in another country? Did the father move to her country to live with her?

If I were your friend, I would probably find it proper to call this woman and introduce myself. Just so she knows her husband's got immediate relatives in the States. I would also feel the need to let her know about my disabled siblings and my heartbroken mother. Just so she knows not to expect a Christmas card from me. Heck, I'd probably feel the need to track down her parents to fill them in on the sterling character of their new son-in-law while I was at it.

So you do think it is appropriate? What negatives should we consider first?

I mean there is also the chance that she knows but doesn't care at all, right? (Or... maybe some people with experience as the OW can chime in on this. Do women typically care? I can't imagine a woman simply not caring... but maybe they exist)

and no, father has not yet moved because he is somewhat tied down to his job. visits every weekend, though.

Propriety sort of went out the window when the father pulled the plug on his marriage for another woman, didn't it? He certainly wasn't thinking about proper behavior when he devastated his wife and family. I wouldn't be concerning myself with that at this point.

I pondered the negatives before I replied, and I came up with:
1. He'll be furious and will stop supporting his BS and children as an act of revenge. (But you say that's already a concern without anyone doing a thing, right?)
2. He'll be furious and will sever all contact with his daughter but will still support his disabled children. (I wouldn't care if my father severed contact with me because I called his mistress/wife. Heck, I'd sever contact with him first!)

Positives:
1. His mistress/wife may be shocked to hear the true circumstances of his family situation and will give him the boot.
2. Your friend will have done her a kindness by giving her a head's up about the morally bankrupt person she married.

Like I said, if it were me I would not only call mistress/wife, but would also call her parents. But only your friend can make this decision.

FF, I would tell your friend to contact the OW and her parents and tell them all. She should also tell everyone in her family about his marriage and how he left the marriage for his affair.

The only negative will be the father's anger and that is ok. She can handle that.

Agree with MaritalBliss. She won't be missing anything if he severs contact with her. That might be a positive. He probably will contact her in his later years when he needs someone to take care of him and has managed to alienate every decent person in his life.

Corrupt parents tend to be very alone in their latter years.

There's a chance that her parents don't... know about the marriage. They are overseas, from what I understand. They wed in Vegas; I do not think family was present.

She comes from a poor-ish country; I have considered the possibility that she/her parents (if they know at all) may just be happy that she has a man providing for her (as he has purchased her many expensive items). I know for sure that the father's parents have no idea.

Fishy, is this man your father? If so, let's cut out the third-party posting stuff. It will just be easier, okay?

This whole thing sounds very fragile - I suspect the marriage will not last long. UNLESS IT IS ENABLED BY HIS FAMILY'S SILENCE.

well, my bf is still dependent on the father... for college and other living expenses...

She should spread the word wide and far. That is no excuse to keep his dirty secrets. If you don't have the courage of your convictions, then you have no convictions.

no. this man is not my father. it is my serious boyfriend's father. can i pm you to tell you more details, then? i just dont want too many details on the internet.

I doubt this is worth her while. She should seriously get a job if she is relying on a wayward. Being selfish and thoughtless is really expensive. They go through money like a fish through water

And her mother should have gotten legal advice re securing that...

Then she needs to get a job. She is enabling her father's disgusting actions so she can go to school - does she feel good about that?

If my father did to his family what your friend's father did, I would cut him off like a cancer. I would get a job, take out loans - whatever it took to need NO help from a man who destroyed my family.

I certainly would NOT depend on the largesse of a cheating scroundel who broke my mother's heart and left my disabled siblings in order to get his financial help.

Then someone should clue them in

I don't think I made this clear... This is my boyfriend's father. They all are not US citizens; laws are a bit different in the country they are from I think. My boyfriend is the one with the disability (as well as his sibling). He already is trying to find a job but in the future he will likely be dependent, it is hard to find a job without even a bachelor degree.