As long as he can engage in his addiction, any time he spends with you will be dismal by comparison. It's called the contrast effect, and it destroys intimacy.

According to Dr. Harley, he shouldn't have any independent recreational activity until you are each other's favorite recreational companion.

My prayer is that he will agree to start a thread. We have our UA time, but with in-between lovebusters he isn't my favorite rec companion. He seems fine with our marriage. Although, he said there are some things we need to put back on the table to poja. He couldn't tell me what they are. He said, "He doesn't have a ready file of complaints."

How do I craw-dad on my gaming request? Just say, I don't want you to game. at all. ever.

I guess he'll have to do it. Just like, I had to honor his requests about our pets.

This is not POJA, though. This is a demand that you must make for the sake of your marriage. Addictions cannot exist in an MB marriage.

You were allowed to negotiate the issue of the pets. you did not "have to honour his request". POJA is not just a tool of veto; it is a tool for negotiation.

We do not POJA things that are bad for the marriage. We do not POJA addictions, affairs or abuse. What you must apply is the rule that governs addictions for people who want to stop; addictions must be stopped entirely. A safe level cannot be negotiated. There is no safe level with an addiction.

PS: "craw-dad"?

Tell him it bothers you for him to be gaming, and tell him you'll be happy to negotiate an alternative recreational activity THAT INCLUDES YOU.

See that's why the gaming didn't bother me so much because it was to be done ONLY at times when we can't be together. He can't add me to those times. I'm not around.

But, I understand Prisca's point of the contrast. That can't be overstated. Also, Sugarcane's note on demanding that abuse, addiction and affairs must not be tolerated.

Thank you all. I almost didn't post this most recent issue because I've been here so long, and we haven't made a lot of progress. I know you all grow weary of us.

I think we could really move if H would make a thread and Marcos can get a hold of him.

TenaciousOne, I was here for a long time without making much progress, too. I didn't really move until Prisca set the bar high.

Please listen to these clips about the H addicted to gaming. Tell us what you think.
Radio clip on addiction to gaming
Segment #2
Segment #3

Thank you Brain for those clips. They were the slap up side the head I needed.

In segments 2 and 3, Dr H says to not make a demand to quit. He never really tells Q what to say. He says to have her H listen to the show.

My H doesn't like for me to educate him, but I texted him the clips anyway. I just said, I'd like you to listen to these, they are good. If you don't want to, delete them. He said, OK.

It was difficult to listen to the segments. Her sitch, is my sitch. When Dr H said your marriage will be "frosty". That is a great adjective for the last 18 years. The example he gave in segment 3, was us. He would come home, get on his game and eat while playing. The image of me with my babies, alone at the table, makes me very sad and angry. It's that type A resentment. 18 years of type A resentment...

I feel sick.

Marcos, I have raised the bar, but H won't or can't meet it. When I complain, he just looks at me. Like..what now? He is so frustrated with me. I feel sorry for him. I know it's weird to think that. He is struggling to be a marriage builders husband.

We had our discussion Saturday.

I made the request that he never game again. He said ok, he deleted all the apps from his phone and tablet. He asked why I changed my mind. I told him that MB advice is NO indulgence in addictions, affairs or abuse. I also mentioned Prisca's advice on the contrast effect.

I asked him last week to bring any issues to the discussion. He shared the following list with me:

I feel controlled
I feel mothered
too much teaching
not enough fun
dread coming home sometimes
I feel judged
Walking eggshells
You seem miserable and in a bad mood all the time
You are allowed to show your emotions, but not me???
When we have conversation it feels like you are weighing my every word waiting for me to make a mistake that can be called out.

I asked him for specifics on these. He didn't have any. Is he feeling this way because I'm complaining more, calling out his demands and DJ's? I told him that his lovebusters are causing me to be miserable.

I totally agree about the teaching and mothering. I told him I would stop telling him what to do with the complaints I make. I compared it to handing him a ball. He will need figure what to do with the balls I hand him.

He asked if we had Lovebusters. I bought it on kindle immediately. He read a few pages Sunday morning.

What should I do with his list above?

None of these are a reason to stop complaining. You need to let him know when he does something that makes you unhappy, and keep bringing it up until he solves it.

I think most of what he is saying will be resolved by having fifteen hours of fun with you every week!

It's hard to have fun and be in a good mood, when he's still lovebusting me. We get the 15, but it's not all pleasant and fun. Yesterday, we got five full hours. A couple of comments bothered me, but not much. I kept it to myself. If I had said something the above list would come into play and UA would've gone south.

With no obvious lovebusters from me, do you think the list is from my complaining?

Then you are not getting the 15. If it is not fun and pleasant, it doesn't count.

Tell him that you want to have fun with him but can't until he stops being demanding, disrespectful, or angry. Keep these tied together - the goal is for him to have a lot of fun, and you are working with him as a partner on that, and the reason it's not happening right now is because of his love busters.

TenaciousOne, if I were you, this is what I would say to my husband. I would shrug and say:

"I'm really picking up on the fact that you're not having fun and it's not fun to be around me right now. I want us to both be having a great time, but it's up to you. I married you because I thought we would have a wonderful time together all the time. But I'm not having fun because of your continuing demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts. I will probably be more fun when these are gone! I will let you know when you are doing these so that you can know why things aren't so fun, and so you can stop. If you want more help stopping them, you can email Dr. Harley on his radio show, or arrange a call with his son Steve Harley."

Then give him a love busters worksheet once a week that lists each of his demands, disrespectful judgments, or angry outbursts during the last week.

Stay on this point with him: you want to have fun with him, and aren't having fun right now because when you are together he is demanding, disrespectful, or angry. Keep bringing that up so that he knows the problem has to be solved in order to move forward.

When you spend time together, do you start out making it as enjoyable as possible for him? (And for you?) Is it all good until he becomes demanding, disrespectful, or angry?

He needs to have a good time with you in order to be motivated to do this program, in order to be motivated in your marriage, and in order to be motivated in life in general. I'd encourage you to try to give him a fresh chance at that every day.


Be sure and write those down on the love busters worksheet you are going to give him for the week. As much as possible, try not to discuss them at the time. The worksheet will let him know why you are not having a good time. When you start to have a good time for the full time, then you will be able to make it fun for him.

H has been reading Lovebusters this week. He is seeing himself in the sample couples. He apologized for his past offenses.

Did I handle the following exchange correctly?

Him "Hey Hun, Saw that practice was cancelled so I was able to stay for a meeting onsite to discuss a lot of rfi issues at the jobsite. Gonna head out in a few, so gonna be late. Wanted to let you know.

Me "Yeah, I saw that too. Thanks for letting me know. I was expecting you at 5. How could you have been home at 5, but still at the jobsite? It bothers me when you change plans without talking to me first."

He called me shortly after. He said, he agrees. He should have called me before going to the meeting.

H hasn't been in the door two minutes and he is critical of us. Son is playing with our cousin in the cooler with the water hose. Son comes in excited. Son describes what they are playing. Dad says, all I can think of is dirty feet in my cooler. And turn off that water, we've had enough rain. And then he says, why is the cat in the house?

He walks in and sees nothing but negative. He wonders why I'm miserable?

I tell him I'm bothered by what he's saying.

He asks, What am I supposed to say when I see things that bother me?

I said I don't know. Make a thread, maybe they can help you.

I tried keeping it at "that bothered me". He wanted to know how exactly did it bother me? Why did it bother me? What exactly did he say that was wrong?