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CWMI
Her friends and family do need to go on the NC list. The work I was talking about is the investigating work. She has stated that the affair was over two months ago and I haven't found any evidence of anything further.
I'm not saying I want the easy road.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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I'm still having a hard time with telling the kids part. How will that benefit them? It will devastate them and cause them to choose sides. Somebody make sense of this for me.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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They are already devastated, only they don't know why just yet. Telling them isn't the devastating thing done to them; mommy taking another woman's husband as a lover and moving out is.
Telling them gives them a truth about their lives that you are currently withholding. People, even kids, need truth to make correct choices. You don't have to vilify your wife to them. Just tell them the truth as to why their lives are upside down.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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And when we go to court and the judge tells me how stupid I was for telling them? The courts don't care who is at fault. Your advice is sending me to divorce and killing any chance I have to reconcile. I'm not trying to sound rude here, but how does this help me? From a Christian stand point I feel like I am doing God's work and he will unveil the plan for my marriage.
I know what I can do to divorce and I know the consequences. What I don't know is how to get my wife to come home.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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I have read that judges dispise telling children about affairs. Thats ok,. psychologists don't agree. And in all my years here, no BS has ever had a problem legally with telling children the truth. And if any judge told me I had to lie to my children to whitewash the crimes of a wayward, I would tell him to go to hell. That would destroy any chance I have of reconciliation. No, it would not. That will not stop your wife if she is serious. And it very well may stop her affair. We have had many affairs ended because of the influence of the children. I don't have access to the OM's wife. The OM works near me, but they live over 50 miles away. Of course you have access to her. Her family is not helping with the affair at all. I'm not sure the affair is still going on. Like I said, she has been around me most of her time. Like I said, the affair is in full swing. That is why she moved out. If you don't believe me, just watch her apartment for a few days. But if you are serious about saving your marriage, you need to stop enabling your wife by keeping her secret. CAll the OM's wife, tell your children, enlist all your family and friends to help. This is very salvagable, but you have to stand up for your marriage and expose it. " Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'm still having a hard time with telling the kids part. How will that benefit them? It will devastate them and cause them to choose sides. Somebody make sense of this for me. Can you tell me how lying to children benefits them? Lies and adultery are poison to children. By lying to them about the source of tension in their family you are teaching them to be dishonest. That comes at their expense and your wife's expense. It does not help her to cover up her crime. All you do is ENABLE her. Dr. Harley on telling the children: The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults. Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
___________________________________
A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery. The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight. 2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse). My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And when we go to court and the judge tells me how stupid I was for telling them? The courts don't care who is at fault. Your advice is sending me to divorce and killing any chance I have to reconcile. I'm not trying to sound rude here, but how does this help me? How has your current plan helped you? Do you not recognize that your inaction is destroying your marriage? You are in a terrible place and you are on here lecturing people who have saved their marriages using these tactics. You are the falling down drunk who lectures the sober people in AA on the virtues on quitting drinking. If you are serious about saving your marriage, why don't you admit your methods have not worked and listen to people who have saved their marriages? From a Christian stand point I feel like I am doing God's work and he will unveil the plan for my marriage. From a Christian standpoint you are aiding and abetting evil. That is NOT God's work. As it says in 1Timothy, only an infidel will not take care of his family. You are allowing this OM to destroy your family without a fight. If a man broke in and was raping your daughter would you sit there like a lump and say you were waiting for God to unveil his plan for your daughter?  Using God as an excuse to sit there and do nothing is shameful. And NON Christian. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:11 This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God." ( John 3:19-21) I know what I can do to divorce and I know the consequences. No, you don't. You have no idea at all. You don't understand that your enabling of the affair is leading you to divorce NOW. Your actions [ie: enabling] are the most likely to lead to divorce.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'm still having a hard time with telling the kids part. How will that benefit them? It will devastate them and cause them to choose sides. Somebody make sense of this for me. Kids blame THEMSELVES for marital problems if you don't give them an explanation that makes sense. They also are anxious and unsure when they feel they aren't being told the truth. Let your children know that this separation has nothing to do with them and everything to do with her affair. Let your children know that they can count on you to tell them the truth. My kids' pediatrician and counselor all agreed with Dr Harley on this. I was terrified to tell my 9 year old son but I haven't regretted telling him at all. I had no idea how anxious he was because he didn't understand what was going on. Of course, he was upset because of the affair but not telling him what was going on was making a bad situation WORSE.
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That's deep stuff. I definitely have a lot to think about. This would cause a lot of pain to me and rip the family apart even more. And if she does come back, it could be for the wrong reasons. Financial, payback, etc.... My lawyer even said that here in CA, the judge would not side with me. She makes 1/3 of what I make and I would have to move out of my 4BR that I have for the kids because I won't be able to afford the same size place. We would both end up hurting financially. Plus there's alimony and CS. And being in the military, I don't have the same rights as everyone else. All she would have to do is complain to my command and I would be screwed.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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We eat dinner together and spend time together. Do you think I should stop doing that stuff?
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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That's deep stuff. I definitely have a lot to think about. This would cause a lot of pain to me and rip the family apart even more. So divorce is not painful? Having your wife leave you for an OM is not "painful?" Are you kidding me? Your family is already "ripped apart," Sir. Did you notice that? What is ripping it apart is a secret affair. That is not "painful" to you and your kids? And if she does come back, it could be for the wrong reasons. No, if she comes back it will be for the right reasons. Because her affair is over and she wants to work on the marriage. That is the goal here. But you have to first kill the affair. Financial, payback, etc.... My lawyer even said that here in CA, the judge would not side with me. She makes 1/3 of what I make and I would have to move out of my 4BR that I have for the kids because I won't be able to afford the same size place. We would both end up hurting financially. Plus there's alimony and CS. And being in the military, I don't have the same rights as everyone else. All she would have to do is complain to my command and I would be screwed. And this is where you are headed if you don't man up and start fighting for your marriage. You have surrendered at the first shot, Sir. That is ok if you are French, but if you want to save your marriage you are going to have to do some legwork here. And find a lawyer who won't roll over. Most lawyers take the easiest, softest way because they are lazy. Find a lawyer who isn't lazy. We have men on this forum who win all the time.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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GJM,
I can tell you from experience that there is a really good chance your kids already know, they saw something or read something etc. Kids internalize their pain sometimes not just to protect you but their siblings as well.
This is also supported by many of the threads on MB where the posters write about the relief their children feel when they are finally told the truth.
My FIL is in his 80's and just not too long ago my W talked to him about what she saw when she was under 5! Children can repress their pain well into adulthood. Even after all those years it was like removing a splinter.
God Bless
Gamma
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I helped her move out because it's the right thing to do. She is the mother of my children. You can't see the irony of these two statements? You should NEVER have helped her in her desire to be a single woman! She's NOT a single woman - she's YOUR WIFE. She needs to be at home with her husband and her children!
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Ok so this is what I have so far: tell everyone about the affair. Tell the kids the truth. When and how should I tell them? They are with her this week. What do I do when my W starts making my life even worse? What if she really did end the affair when she says she did? Wouldn't doing those things make things even worse after she said she will work on things and go back to counseling? Then there's the financial aspect of it. I have so much anxiety. She pays her rent and utilities. We have to share groceries because we can't afford them separately. You think she's holding on to me as a back up? We talk and share affection. Boy, I'm so lost!
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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Ok so this is what I have so far: tell everyone about the affair. Tell the kids the truth. When and how should I tell them? They are with her this week. Do you have a court order mandating 50/50 custody?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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GJM,
Think of this way, DISHONESTY is what allows an affair to thrive, why should you be obligated to be dishonest to your kids just to protect your W and OMs reputation?
As to where and when just get it done.
OM is attacking your family as certainly as if he was staging a home invasion. He is a blood sucker who cares only for himself.
God Bless
Gamma
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In the book Surviving An Affair, the husband helped his wayward wife move not long before he implemented a plan B Where? I just read through Chapter 6 again and don't see that. I don't remember EVER seeing that in SAA. Can you give me the page #?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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page 45 about 7th paragraph.
Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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page 45 about 7th paragraph. "Because I had prepared Jon for this turn of events, he was able to be condsiderate of her feelings and even help her move." It is way out of context but it was when Sue moved out and found out it was not the thing she really wanted when reality hit.
Last edited by LuvsDavid; 11/14/11 07:32 PM.
Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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Ok so this is what I have so far: tell everyone about the affair. Tell the kids the truth. When and how should I tell them? They are with her this week. Do you have a court order mandating 50/50 custody? Why are you letting your three kids stay in a one bedroom apartment for the week? Is this a one time deal? What is the arrangement? This is not something I would be OK with. What did your atty say about this?
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