His email addresses have been blocked, and all calls are caller ID screened. I no longer answer the phone directly (after a LOT of crank calls from what I suspsect was POSOW) and instead let them go to answering machine.
His mobile number is blocked, and any calls from international numbers I delete immediately.

Should he email me from a new account, he will have to get pretty inventive. I have set up a nifty filtering programme (I work in IT, very handy in these circumstances)that will automatically dump any unsollicitated mail into my spam folder. And that gets emptied daily without being looked at.

I very much doubt that he will try and see me in person as my WS 'does not do confrontation' in other words, he is a bit of a coward. Plus, he would have to fork out for a flight or ferry over and I don't think he's willing to spend his money that way.

Thank you for your advice, Indie & Caracal.

I will most definitely pay heed.

Prepare for the unexpected anyway. All in all I think your plan is quite tight.

All Plan Bs have holes in them though. Just seal em up quick when you spot them...

I am surprised that you seem quite sure that he will try to make contact.
I really don't think he will because he is a) living it up with POSOW, b) afraid of any sort of confrontation and c)TOTALLY RIGHT and JUSTIFIED in leaving me for her (at least in his fogged-out mind)...

I'll keep your warnings in mind but I really don't think I've got much to worry about. The only signs of life I expect to get will be through his solicitor regarding the divorce.

Whether or not he tries to contact depends on how all goes in la la land. Think about the pressure on OW when things start to sour. And just as the wayward compares his BS to OW when he says I love you but I'm not in love with you, so too at the first affair fight will he compare her to you. Hmmm. She knows this on some level, so will likely try and keep up a good pretence for some time.

But unless WH breaks free of the affair and commits to your PBL conditions, you are better off not knowing of any crumbs he might try to throw your way.

Well, it's been a month since I received the letter from J's solicitor informing me of them representing him in "the unfortunate breakdown of our marriage" (WTH**c?) but so far no follow through.

Not sure if WH is waiting until after Christmas or some of you were spot on in saying that it was just empty threats...

On a good note, I got a tax rebate today! At least if it comes down to it, I have some extra money to pay those pesky solicitor's fees ;-)

I know, right!

It is indeed "unfortunate" your WH is having an affair that has caused the breakdown of your marriage. Grrr, waywards and solicitors are not a good combination!


Yay! Maybe spend a bit on spoiling yourself...

Today I had my first end of year performance review at work.

I had the first interview for my job a week after J told me he had fallen in love with POSOW and no longer wanted to be with me.
How I managed to impress them in that interview, I'll never know, I felt like could barely function, let alone 'sell' myself to prospective employers.
But somehow I did, and after a second interview I was offered the position.

Today I was told that my performance over the last few months has been 'strong, consistent and above expectation'.
Though people are aware of my situation I was worried how my personal circumstances affect my concentration, my mood and my energy levels.


I am so proud of myself. For dong this, for being strong. For landing and holding down my job in what is the most painful and difficult time of my life.

It has made me realise that I might actually be the one who will come out of this mess the stronger, more grounded person.
Not J, with his wonderful new life and soulmate. No. ME.

Exactly, you CAN not only survive but THRIVE, as long as you focus on the plans. Good work on the job front

Thats AMAZING. I couldn't handle making pasta for dinner a week after D-day, never mind embarking on a whole new career path!

Well done!

We'll just see how well his 'soulmate schmoopie' works out for him and how well the plans work out for you.

Yupp. They only think they will be better off, dust em off you like a bad habit

Grats on the job, and merry Xmas

You going for the interview a week after hearing about soulmate schmoopies bought a memory back that made me laugh. I had an interstate job interview prior to D Day but just days after getting the text about "concerns for the marriage". I had little sleep, was already entering the infidelity diet, nauseous and in a state of shock. I did this job interview dressed in PJ's and slippers, hair undone, no make-up. Thankfully there was no webcam involved! I felt I messed up royally, not even following the instructions for the online questions and having to admit to that during the phone interview, along with being asked to elaborate on answers and just saying I had nothing more to add. I was sooo embarrassed. Yet I still got offered the job, believe it or not!

As a betrayed spouse, we may be down initially, but we proove we are never out!


A lovely realisation Maryse. It is great you have been recognised on the work front in the face of adversity. Congrats!

Lord knows how I pulled it off. Survival instinct is my best guess...
Either way, this one is my victory to saviour, and the best Christmas present I could wish for bar WS repenting and coming home. Nevertheless, I'll 'happily' settle for this one for now.

Just goes to show, Plan B is so important for personal recovery.

Have a fab X-mas y'all, or as they say in my neck of the woods; Prettige Feestdagen :-)

lol caracal, "the infidelity diet". No kidding!

I felt functional the first couple of weeks... I really doubled down on recovering myself. picked up old hobbies etc. But by the time I got to the end of the month and looked back on it... WOW I was a mess. Thank goodness for the good friends and family who fed me and took care of my day to day stuff!

Maryse how r u going ? I've been following your thread and have been wondering how things are progressing?

I'm okay. Just trying to get through the festive season not feeling very festive... Unfortunately I am not at all close with whatever family I have left, and I'm in a different country to them, so I am flying completely solo here.

Got in touch with an old friend who knew us when J and I first started dating, and she too is baffled by J's behaviour and actions of the past 6 months.

So far still nothing from J' solicitors regarding the divorce. I am expecting it to come through soon though.

Hi Maryse, hope youre enjoying yourself. Since you are flying solo, be sure to make it a pampered first class kind of flight - kwim? Take care of YOU

Today I received a letter from J's solicitor requesting him access to the house next Monday to collect his mail.

I think it is pretty safe bet that that will also be the day that he will file for divorce. There is no other reason (certainly not just his mail, that he could have had forwarded via said solicitor) for him to fork out for a flight or ferry, plus some miles on either end.


This really saddens me, but I also feel somewhat relieved. It has been hanging over my head since D-day 6 months ago, and even more since exposure.

He has turned his guilt, shame and embarrassment into pure anger (hatred even?) towards me. And I suppose that is what's driving him. Easier on his conscience I guess, at least in the short run.

Youre in Plan B, so you cant possbily know his mood! Or feelings towards you. Waywards often dont know themselves!

Plan B means keeping your mind clear of WS, focusing all efforts on you and creating a wonderful life for Maryse.

I know this sounds impossible but it can be done.

Snap an elastic on your wrist whenever you think of him was my best method.

I also developed a mantra: Whenever an unbidden thought popped in, I would say 'NO NC equals crazy person'. Its nice and dismissive and allowed me to get back to thinking about me. Feel free to com up with your own

You have a bit of mourning to do, you will still remember the pain for a while. But you will not get out of your own withdrawal if you think over memories or actively analyse his feelings and actions. They dont matter. Yours do.

As for the mail, is that really necessary? Cant you just hand the mail to the solicitor or someone else?

I would feel nevous about him in my home. Unrepentant waywards are much worse than random strangers. Have someone there who can keep an eye on him.