Ruikee, I am so sorry to hear that! I know that has to be a pretty emotional milestone.
As far as the legal advice I'm not really sure what you should do. As far as the emotional advice, I know Dr. Harley would tell you that you can continue to try to win your wife back, even if a divorce does go through. And I think he would tell you that you have a good chance of success.
I have this feeling that one reason you haven't gotten much traction yet is there just not being a lot of time together. Were you ever able to get out with her for coffee or lunch or anything? This kind of stuff has got to become regular before she'll ever feel different. It's not a matter of waiting for her to change her mind and commit to the marriage; it's a matter of, right now, working hard, delicately and skillfully, to construct an environment in which she will fall in love with you again.
Thanks Markos,
I agree with you totally. I have asked several times to meet up for coffee, or a quick bite to eat with no success. And i think it was key that i didnt react with anger.
You are correct. I heard Dr. Harley mention "flooding" on the radio a couple days ago. That's the psychological concept in which you change your reaction to something by being exposed to it over and over again. Keep bringing up the subject with your wife, in a non-pushy way.
The only time we spent together was when our S was sick. The same time she revealed her desire to reconcile. We walked across the parking lot with the baby in the middle of us. Each of us holding his hand. I had prayed for that for a long time, although i prayed for it to happen on a beach, but i am grateful that it did happen. That memory will forever be etched in my mind, and i thank God for it. She spent most of the time, telling me how great a father i was, that it was very attractive, etc.
She is going to have these ups, and these downs. In this case I'm sure the emotional context had a lot to do with putting her in that place. Keep making the deposits. Take advantage of the ups -- not to try to get her to change her mind about something, or to persuade her to go to a weekend seminar, or to persuade her to do Marriage Builders! Absolutely do not do this!!! Instead, take advantage of the ups to make the massive love bank deposits that she is not open to at other times. In those moments, make your statements of admiration for her. And use conversation to investigate and understand her. And express affection toward her. This is what will sustain the ups and, long term, will cause her to be interested in doing what it takes to meet your emotional needs.
You are correct, if there was only a way to get that time together.
You are going to have to be creative, and persistent.
I will continue to work hard, to create that environment, and i know that begins with me.
What are you doing, today, to try to make love bank deposits?
Have you ever read James Dobson's Love Must be Tough? What are your thoughts on the letter Opening the Cage Door?
I used to be a fan of Dobson. Recently I reread a piece by him that I used to completely agree with, and found that I no longer agreed with any of it! I have read Love Must Be Tough, and used to love the book, but it has a lot of really wrong ideas in it, such as the idea that good marriages are those that naturally "breathe," i.e., space exists at times between husband and wife. Nothing could be further from the truth, in my experience.
I do not recall that letter, specifically.
