No AOs from this kid. I wont keep honesty and openness out if my marriage. Ifshe does something to upset me she's going to know it. And I expect the same from her.

That sounds disrespectful. I think maybe you should just stick to telling her that you are not enthusiastic about this plan and asking if the two of you can negotiate something that you will both be enthusiastic about.

PrincessMeggy's post below yours is very good advice, and I agree wholeheartedly. Dr. Harley also mentions that parents need to negotiate two things: first, what rules the children will be required to follow, and second, how those rules are going to be enforced.

I don't appreciate the kid gloves approach to subjects outside her affair that mb requires I adhere to. I understand not bringing up affair related topics and all that. This woman carried on a long term sexual affair under my nose she can handle parenting criticism.

I don't appreciate the kid gloves approach....that mb requires I adhere to....she can handle parenting criticism.

As an avid student of human interaction, I'll be very interested in hearing how this has worked for you so far, and going forward.

It's close to the heart of why the MarriageBuilders approach actually works, though! State what you think with your fingers pointing at YOU, not at her.

Examples follow.

DJ: "You always give the kids too much slack."
Respectful persuasion: "I'd like to figure out a way to discipline our children that we both agree on."

DJ: "You gave our daughter really poor advice. I'm disappointed in your bad parenting."
RP: "I disagree with the advice you gave our daughter. It really upset me. This topic is important enough that I think we really need to be unified on it."

Remember always: you MUST complain. It's healthy; I complain daily to my wife (and her to me) and we tend to resolve the conflicts before they get out of hand.

You must not criticize. There is a profound difference. The subject at hand does not change. How you approach resolving the conflict DOES, and how the two of you feel when you're resolving the conflict can be AMAZING and WONDERFUL if you approach it without criticizing.


On another note...

I firmly feel twelve is entirely too young to be dating. They're going to "go steady" on the sly at school and think they're fooling you from 12-15 with group dates and such, but 16 is -- IMHO -- the earliest appropriate age for one-on-one dating.

Criticizing your wife is a disrespectful judgment.

Complaints are fine, criticism is control and abuse.

Even your wife's affair does not give her the right to control and abuse her. If you want to build a happy marriage for the future, you will need to completely abstain from all disrespectful judgments.

OMW sent an email to me this morning.

It was a copy of an email she sent to OM with the topic: DELETE OR ELSE.

The attachment was a topless picture of my wife she must have found on his cell phone.

My wife told me about that picture on dday so not a major surprise and that he didnt delete it is also no surprise. Im sure her videos are to be found on a PC of his too.

What did surprise me was the my wife took the picture and emailed it to him. I thought it was taken by him during a session. My wife said they werent together that day he was begging her for a pic.

Man, this is really fun.

Hey, Mike:

That really bites. Is there any way to stop the OMW from sending these correspondences? To limit them to any new contact between them? I would hope, as a fellow BS, that she would understand that you don't need these images.

Hoping your day gets better,
Sweet

So, the claws come out, heh?

Obviously, things are not going all that peachy-keen in OM's household. OMW, miserable in her own skin, needs to ensure that your FWW and you are also in the cess-pool.

Very sad, but predictable.

Do not let her interfere with your situation, MSS. Right now, OMW is more dangerous to you than OM!

I think she was just showing me she asked OM to delete. Not so much to make me mad.

When you have contact with OMW and your WW knows and thinks about this is like contact for her........if you want her to put this behind her and heal from the withdrawal of that relationship I wouldn't let that happen.......
I think you should be grateful the OMW is clearing out the past from her life as well and it is good she keeps track of things from her end........
It will send the message to the OM and your WW that the affair is over for life.....
just a bump in the road Mike, it's a long haul to feel safe again and a lot of work.....
It will be worth it in the long term right now it's tough.

I think she was just showing me she asked OM to delete. Not so much to make me mad.

Really? You think her intentions were positive?

WRONG!

Positive action on her part would have been a note saying she's been working on POSOM to compel deletion of all records of the affair.

Negative action would have been to forward the note to you reminding (re-informing?) you that your FWW was somewhat active in the affair as well.

And she chose which action?

The subject line to an email to me, not my wife, was DELETE OR ELSE which was send to OM and bcc'd to me.

It was done as if to inform me she is working at eradicating the digital reminders of their relationship.

And she did follow up with a longer email today outlining her problems with OM. Her recovery is being hampered by continued lies and coverups. She wanted to remind me of certain occasions where my wife was less than assuring to her about OM and my wife's relationship. And, she wanted to tell me that Im still being lied to if I believe such and such. I told I wish she told some of her concerns at such times.

I told her nicely is time to move on. Her with her family and me with mine. She again relayed how alone she is and especiallly with my family who, as you may know, was very close to hers. Plus she just wants to hear from my wife either on the phone or in email so she can get some things cleared. I said no.

She's in distress. I feel bad but I got my own fish to fry.

Good call. OMW is reaching out to you for sympathy, and that's part of the recipe for a revenge affair.

Revenge affair? Never thought of that.

Like OMW's husband, I rather have my wife.

No question.

Learning to manage memories and avoid anger is about intercepting the thoughts before they turn to anger.
1. Learn to recognize the initial thoughts that spawn the obsessive thinking and anger.
2. Realize that you have about 60-90 seconds from the time of your first anger-inducing thought to think about something else -- preferably, something humorous yet related -- in order to defuse the chemical payload your glands are about to unleash on your brain.
3. Play back that humorous thought.
4. Repeat ad nauseum.



Ok, I've read a dozen times. Now, to enact this technique.

I thought I was simply p.o.'d but actually there's science going on.

Thanks DoNoMo.

Well, some big doings her in MSS-World. If you have been following this saga since the beginning you'd remember a major non-MB move I made this summer where I sent my wife with her brother to meet OM to arrange payment of money he promised her and I would always be there. He made a nice down payment over the summer.

Anyway, OM was short funds for his next promised payment in Oct and he advised my bro in law that he's not sure when it would be.

On Monday OMW sent the topless photo of my wife to me and I showed my wife she went ballistic. She begged me to let her see him to get her money. As I have had nothing but a remorseful and virtually perfect wife since dday, I reluctantly let her go. I knew where they were going and for how long and I trusted her. (I know all of you will hate that. Again, she has done nothing to make me distrust her and has met all my EN and precautions to the nth degree.)

I told my wife I was telling OMW about the meeting after it happened and Id make up a lie that it was for you to let him know its over and that I would not mention the real reason of talking about the money. Remember, this "guarantee" was kept secret from OMW for years before dday. OM never wanted OMW to know about this deal and I stayed complicit in this BS story for years. Shame on me. Until today.

Today, OMW shows up at my house unnannounced and distraught over this meeting. She is demanding to meet my wife who was at work. She thinks I OK'd a romantic rendevous between our spouses and former lovers. I decided with my wife to craft a letter to her, cc:ing OM and my wife, telling her of the contact this summer and Monday and the reasons for it.

So, I lifted some of my guilt and we have zero reason now to be in touch with OM or OMW going forward. In fact, my wife said if he give her brother money, its found money at this point.

She has no interest in OM and I told OMW this again today.

Many of you at the time said write off the money and move and you were right. I did it then and now to help my wife self esteem. The boob picture on Monday and his non-payment were major hits to it.

But, I feel great because I told OM directly my wife and I dont need him and that was what was eating me all this time since dday that that deviant was living knowing we still needed him. F-him.


PS. Please forgive this last MB transgression. I in no way feel this has sidetracked our recovery in fact my anxiety and depression is at its lowest level in months.

Sigh...


Well, I guess it was RH to show your W the picture.

I would have failed in MB on that one, buddy. Personally, I would have lit the dang thing of fire, then urinated on it to put it out.

I guess it's ok to keep your own wife triggered by showing her the topless photos and then send her to spend time with her former long term lover... I mean gee... What could it hurt right? I mean it's not like relationships have ever sparked back up through contact. Not to mention hindering OMW's recovery as well... MOney has been the downfall of more than just women... Sigh...



CV

She begged me to let her see him to get her money. I...let her go.

There ain't enough single-malt on the Isle of Skye to settle my nerves enough to calmly respond........