Do they live close to you? One good way to do it is to go to their house. It doesn't matter if the OW is there, but it does matter that the OWH is there.

I think quo said OW lives farther away.

Quo, if that's the case, hire a PI. They can watch the house and get the info for you. They might also be able to get more info that will help you with exposure, like relatives' names and contact info, etc.

Have you gone on the university's website? You might be able to pick through the site and find out something about her based on what she's studying, or activities she's involved in on campus. That might help.

WH has finished his work on campus and came home late last night. We had a big blowout this morning when he told me again that he is not interested in reconciling. The only thing that he wants is to have quality time with our son. He is planning to be home all December and wants me to stay elsewhere because if we are together under the same roof, this gives mixed messages to our son. He also indicated that he is not going to agree to the terms of my spousal support following divorce that he initially offered when I confronted him about A (read "take everything and just let me be with her.")


Following this conversation, I resolved to proceed with the exposure. I couldn't reach OWH at their home but I was able to reach OWH's mother at his parents' house. I told her everything. She passed the message to OWH. He called me and we had a long chat. He demanded proof and I e-mailed him their e-mail exchange. He was dumbfounded. He told me that unlike me (I told him I am doing this because I want to save my family), he will not tolerate it and will kick her out. I also called his collegue, who was very concerned that now knowing this information she would have to go to the school authorities.

At this point, I am waiting for the fallout. Any advice?

quo, you did just great and I applaud you for telling the OW's husband. I would strongly advise you to do a thorough job TODAY of exposing this affair. And let me explain why. You are going to infuriate the affairees, so you need to get your money's worth and make this worth your effort. If you do just a trickle exposure, it will have very little effect on the affair but will only infuriate your H enough to come after you with renewed fury. On the other hand, the more exposed this affair is, the greater the chance it will be killed.

I would send a formal letter to the school authorities TONIGHT. You can do this via email. Send it to Human Resources, your H's supervisor and a key board member so no one is tempted to throw it away. Call your H's parents today. Tell them about the affair and ask them to call him and use their influence to persuade him to end his affair. Any other exposure targets, friends or family should be called today.

And more importantly, your child needs to be told about the affair. Kids can deal with the truth, they can't deal with lies.

Does the OW have a facebook page?

Excellent job quovqdis !!

Expect WH to be furious and to say mean and hateful things. Expect it and be prepared for it.

Do not engage. It is important to remain cool and calm. You reply that you are trying to save this marriage and are willing to fight for it. Do NOT apologize for exposure...you have done the right thing.

Cool and calm. Can you do that?

Our son was told two weeks when WH told me that he cannot maintain NC with her. I gave him an ultimatum, he chose OW and we told our son the truth. WH then temporarily moved out. Today, I called WH father who was sympathetic but not too much ("what you gonna do - these female students always come on to male profs.") WH is going to spend Thanksgiving with his father so they will have plenty of time to chat.

What type of fallout should I expect? My heart is pounding and I am hyperventilating. I can't maintain this level of stress for much longer. I am already a wreck - can't sleep or eat - have lost like 15 lbs.

What really ticked me off is that WH has been communicating to OW how I am manipulating and torturing him. How I have made his life a living he!! and how he is a victim of post-traumatic stress disorder. He has been carrying A for the past 6 months and had plenty of time to mentally prepare himself for the consequences. I have known about A for one month, during two weeks of which I thought we were reconciling. The last two weeks has been agonizing. I just don't know how I am going to survive this.

They all do that. Your WH knows that what he is doing is wrong ...but somehow he must justify it in his own head. Therefore, he rewrites history to make you the bad guy. This is textbook wayward.

You have just destroyed his plans to make himself and OW look like a legitimate a couple. This is going to really piss him off. Don't worry, it will pass.

Remain cool and calm. This is really important.

quo,

Did you do the above?

You need to get it done ASAP before WH has a chance to spin it--and he will try. But the more people know about it, the harder it is for them to spin.

An email would suffice, just make sure you copy everyone and that their email addresses show up in the cc: line. You want to make sure that the recipients know that others were contacted as well.

As for his coming to the house, DO NOT LEAVE! And tell your son (he's a teenager, right?) what your WH is trying to do with this visit.

Don't leave your house!!!

It'll be hard, but you're just going to have to ignore his antics while he tries to justify cheating on you. Picture him as a toddler having a tantrum because he cannot get his way...in the end, it's about the same thing.

Your reaction would be the same when he comes raising hell about exposure and how you've ruined his life and whatever chances you guys may have had. Because he will likely use something along the lines of "I was going to work it out and come back home but not now!!"

Tell him that you're sorry that he's upset that others know about his adultery, but you're not going to let him drag you into an argument over it. Then disengage, walk away, hang up the phone, etc.

quo, i know you are stressed out and I sympathize with you, friend. If you can put aside your emotions [as best you can] we can help you with a plan.

The plan goes something like this:

1. finish your exposures - call the OW's parents and any other key targets

2. prepare for Plan B, which is a total separation,

3. but before you do that, do the best Plan A you can. That means you do your best to be pleasant and inviting. You want this to be the last thing he remembers before you go dark as night.

It is important to go into Plan B, which is a completely dark separation, because continued contact with him while he has his affair will be harmful to you emotionally and physically.

For now, please focus on finishing your exposures. It is real importnat to get this done NOW so you can move onto the next steps.

quo, exposing to her parents will be ruinous to the affair. She won't be able to bring your husband around if they know this is a married man.

I have exposed him to his father. His father is sympathetic but I am not sure if he will be too convincing. He is very non-confrontational. But at least he knows. My WH wanted to tell his father himself about our separation some time in the next couple of months but I beat him to it.

I will continue exposure on the professional front. Question: how does one continue Plan A post exposure? I am scheduled to travel in the next week or so and will return home to my WH and son 10 days from now. I hope he will have a chance to calm down by then. But I am still wondering how long to stay in Plan A before moving to Plan B?

Sorry, I misundersood. I have no contact information for OW parents thus have not exposed to them. But OWH contacted her mother so apparently they all know now.

Just be polite and sweet every chance you get. No fighting, no lovebusters. Plan A for women is supposed to last about 3 to 4 weeks, so I would start getting prepared to go into a very dark Plan B. He would have to move out so he can't live there during December. I would let him know that is not going to work and he needs to find another place to live. Don't kick him out but tell him that his affair is too painful for you to endure and ask him to move out.

Check out these links: What Are Plan A and Plan B?

How to Plan B CORRECTLY

It would also be helpful if they could hear from you. It would be very impactful for you to ask them to influence their daughter to leave your husband alone. Tell them about your son and how devastated he is at the break up of his family. It would be even better if your mother could call them. Would she do that?

You did tell your son about the affair, right? I know you said you spoke to him but did you tell him his dad is having an affair and with WHOM? And was he told that adultery is immoral?

Yes, I did tell my son that adultery is immoral. OW communicated to my WH that I told OWH. So everyone knows now. So far no contact from WH, although he has called my son for the nightly chat.

I feel so liberated and empowered. I feel like I can finally breathe again. I was in a very deep and dark place with this constant hope for a reconciliation and him finally seeing reason again. At this point, I feel like I can endure anything. Thank you to all of you for all your support and guidance. I would have never had the wherewhithal to execute the exposure. I will keep you posted on all new developments. For now I am just looking forward to a full night's sleep tonight.

hugs to you, my friend! You have taken back control of your life!

Bless you, quo! Sleep a dreamless, restful sleep tonight!

Q. Every BS wishes that someone would have had the morals and strength to pick up the phone and tell them the truth about their life. You did this. You revealed the truth to OWH and it is not you that hurt him but the actions of his WW. He now has the opportunity to try to fix something that he did not know was broken. I hope you will find peace in that.

I think your son is lucky to have a Mother with the strength to stand up for what is right.

You are a brave woman.