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Dinner was a success. I cleaned up the kitchen and folded the laundry. Now I'm feeling emotional. The kids are so happy to be here though and that makes me happy. Nothing fills the void of not having the person I thought was my life long companion around. The emptiness I feel is so much to take. DS8 tried to call WW and she didn't answer. I sent her a text to let her know that it was him that called. I still didn't get a response. When my children are with her, I text and call them every day. She doesn't even bother when they are with me. It's very saddening. Tomorrow will be a new day and I hope to be a little stronger.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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Well sent the invite. I texted would you like some dinner..no response so I assume not. Don't let that discourage you - you're wearing horns right now.  Stay cheerful with her. Because you ARE the best choice she could make. Stay confident and don't forget that. And don't forget the parmesan. 
D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Dinner was a success. I cleaned up the kitchen and folded the laundry. Now I'm feeling emotional. DS8 tried to call WW and she didn't answer. Look at the extremes you're dealing with. You just had a warm family dinner with your children, who are happy to be home with you. But your WW wasn't there, an obvious missing element. You're missing her, simply enough. And you're dealing the pain of the kids missing their mom. It's a lot to process, GJ. But you CAN. Get the kids into bed and then read the articles on this site. I suspect you'll need them because I don't think your WW is going to be out of your house for very long. Just my opinion.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Maritalbliss,
If you're right, you will be my new best friend! I hope she won't be gone for long, but I will stay focused on what you all have told me to do. She actually sent me a text saying she was sorry she didn't answer the phone. She had just woken up and she wasn't feeling well because her side hurt. I offered her some medicine and said that I hoped she felt better soon. She said thanks. That will be the last contact for today.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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The kids and I went and got ice cream to enjoy at home. It's the little things in life that we enjoy.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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...I don't think your WW is going to be out of your house for very long.
Which brings up a good point. It is not too early to put together a list of conditions on which you will PERMIT her to come home. Too often we see here BHs who so desperately want their WWs to return, that they open their arms and hearts to the returnees.....but find NOTHING there - no remorse, no commitment, no NOTHING. What then ensues is a resentment-filled standoff betwen the two - the BH trying to hope that things can just "get better", and the WW still pining for her star-crossed love, resentful that she and he were separated.
I am under the impression you want a marriage, not co-habitation. You're going to have to make that plain to WW BEFORE she comes home.
Enjoy your children this week. They need you more than they'll be willing to reveal.
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You're doing GREAT. I just wanted to remind you that MB plans are to be done without any expectations. You invite her to dinner because you want her there and it is the right thing for a husband to do. You don't expect her to come or not to come. Your part is done when the invite is sent out.
I also agree with NG. You need to figure out your conditions now so you will keep that bar set HIGH.
T/j. I also LOVE stovetop. My mom makes 6 boxes in the turkey and it is the first thing we run out of. Mmmmmmmm. I have even eaten a box for dinner in my youth. Yumm-o
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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As nice as it would be to set conditions, I have no clue what they would be. Not to mention there's no guarantee she will return. I know I would want her to go to church with me as a family. NC with any males. Communication is a must. No more privacy. She would have to be an open book like me. That's all I can think of for now.
Mornings are very difficult for me. I find that I'm very emotional during that time. Tears fall for no reason and everything is sad to me. I dropped my DD13 off this morning to go with her cheer squad to Universal Studios and cried when I drove away. Then I made a drive to WWs apt to see if her car was there. It was, but I got no satisfaction from it.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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Mornings are very difficult for me. I find that I'm very emotional during that time. Tears fall for no reason and everything is sad to me. GJM, don't be so hard on yourself ~ Plan A/dealing with an active wayward is trying for most people. Dr Harley recommends ADs if you are struggling. Just thought I'd throw that out there to think about. I know it has helped many people, including my sister. When I first got here, my H was not in the house and I got some good Plan A advice on how to handle communicating with him. I will be back. Hang in there
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The worst mistake we betrayed spouses make is to waffle: to take cues from our non-committal waffling wayward spouse and REACT to their ever-changing behavior. Review Plan A FREQUENTLY: every morning, every evening, and before and after each contact with WS.
Here's another little tip I came across form three different sources: engage your husband in conversation as early each day as practical. The FIRST person somebody discusses things with is the person they bond the closest to. It doesn't even matter what the topic is: the weather, the news, the children, soem tv show, whatever. Typically males don't talk as much as females so they might talk about something only ONCE so it's very important to try to take advantage of being the first (and perhaps only) person they talk to. So calling him before he goes to work each day is a good idea. Just remember to keep it lighthearted and chatty. One of the reasons so many WS's get involved with coworkers is because of this concept. They start out simply chatting about mundane harmless stuff, then joking around and being 'friends', then oops - one thing has led to another.
OK, one more tip: I've read that only 1 in 5 conversations should be about the relationship, problems, or anything negative. Talk about it if he brings it up and isn't trying to bait you into an argument.
This is for Plan A of course. Once you go to Plan B you will stop all contact with him until he proves he is ready to do all needed for recovery.
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OK...the list of Do's and Don'ts.
Do's
1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)
DON'Ts
1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP
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Thank you for the lists. I will start reading them more often. I'm going to watch football with the boys and take them to church and get haircuts. DD13 probably won't be home until late this evening. When I first woke up I just felt overwhelmed. I prayed for God to bring my WW home. I know it will take some time. The door seems like its closing, but from what you all have said, that's what WSs do to try and get you to react. I won't allow her to make me the reason that all of this happened. Thanks again everyone.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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Sent WW at text to try to be the first one she spoke to today. Me: Good morning. I hope you're feeling better today. WW: Thx...did DD13 get off ok to Univ Stud? Me: Yes, I gave her money and she took her phone and a jacket. I met with the father that was driving the kids as well. WW: cool. Me: Did you know DS8 was using baby lotion as body wash? WW: No. Me: You should have seen his face when he asked me to hand him his body wash. WW: Lol
I hope that wasn't too much contact.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I prayed for God to bring my WW home. God has sent you an army of help, GJM.  Make sure you thank Him and praise His Goodness as well.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I prayed for God to bring my WW home. God has sent you an army of help, GJM. Make sure you thank Him and praise His Goodness as well. I do everyday.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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OMW just sent me a text saying that she was kicking him out and he would be staying with a friend near the apt where WW is. This is not good news. She said he may try to convince her to stay and he may decide he doesn't want to leave because the house belongs to both of them.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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Why did she kick him out?
And actually it is good news. I will explain in my next post.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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OMW just sent me a text saying that she was kicking him out and he would be staying with a friend near the apt where WW is. This is not good news. She said he may try to convince her to stay and he may decide he doesn't want to leave because the house belongs to both of them. No, this is good news. But I see that my friend MelodyLane is going to explain that to you, so I'll refrain - you'd just be hearing it twice if I chime in. She always types faster than I do, anyway.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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She kicked him out because she feels he isn't learning or taking responsibility for his actions. She said he needs to feel the heat and she's tired of hurting with him around.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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