He is either reeling from the shock (in which case he will come round) or he is an enabler.

He keeps asking for info tjhough, so here's hoping.

either way you have done him a great service by providing him with the tools to protect himself - you cant make him do so though



Good stuff. With this level of cool confidence you are smacking those 'his wife is a psycho' lies right in the mouth.

This I can believe. Indeed, minimising an EA was the reaction of OWH in my situation, when he learned of his wife's first affair, which lasted 4 years between roughly 1995-1999.

She actually confessed that affair to him on the day she she announced that she had got a job in a neighbouring country and was leaving him and the children, 7 and 10. She said that she had been in love with her driving instructor and had been meeting him for four years, for lunches and drinks, but he now no longer wanted the relationship. However, she was so unhappy in the marriage, and had been for the 7 or so years since they had moved to Belgium, that she couldn't take any more unhappiness and was leaving. She had got a job in a nearby country and was that day going to view a flat to live in.

Her H had had no idea that she had been meeting a man when the kids were at school, for four years. He was distraught that she was leaving and in fact, very cleverly blocked her exit: he called the new employers and told them that if they went through with the job offer they would be breaking up a family. The employers hadn't issued a written contract yet and found a way to back out of the mess that would surely follow if she left her children and took up their offer. Her H only told her what he had done a couple of months later, when her grief had died down.

The thing is, he said on confession stay, "just please tell me that you didn't sleep with him", and she said no, she hadn't slept with him, even though she was leaving him. She just didn't want to be seen as loose, I suppose, or she didn't want to hurt her H to the core if she could avoid that. He was primarily focused on getting her to stay and on preventing the devastation her leaving would cause to him and the kids, and when he accomplished the goal of making her stay, he saw the crisis as averted. The crisis for him was the leaving, not what he thought was the EA. At least, the EA was a crisis only insofar as it led to her wanting to leave; not in and of itself. What would have been a crisis in and of itself would have been if they'd had sex (which of course they had - probably in his bed, since she did that with my H).

Years later, when he caught her talking to some man on the phone in his house, twiddling her hair and obviously flirting and giggling, she managed again to convinced him that this was a man with whom she'd only had the odd lunch, and yes she knew that was wrong and of course she would stop.

That man was my husband, and by that time they had been sleeping together, sometimes in her H's bed, for about 7 months. Because he again bought her explanation of an EA (or not even an EA, really - just a bit of flirting), he did not follow this up with my H's employers and me. He knew my H's name and job and knew that his wife was a client of the company and that my H could have been sacked for what he was doing, and he knew that my H was married, but because it was sold to him as less than an EA, he didn't act. The affair went on for another 18 months until I discovered it, and suffered a series of false recoveries even though I DID know that it was a deep PA.

The point of my telling you my long story on your thread is to try and convince you that you must convince HIM that this is a PA and that he is being a fool. If between you and OWH this can be stopped, then recovery stands a better chance than if he keeps his head buried somewhere dark and lets your H get away with becoming more entrenched with his wife.

The probability is that this affair will die if left to flourish for a while. It seems that OW has no intent of making a permanent life with your H, but she is willing to bask in his admiration and "love" for as long as she can get away with both that and her marriage. When your H pushes her to commit, she will bail out of the affair. If she had wanted to commit she would have done so by now, at the moment the affair was revealed to you, and your H left. But even though it will die, H will become deeper "in love" with her and less inclined to work with you on the marriage. You, too, might lose your love for him, and it would be better for your son if this doesn't happen.

I think that giving exposure to OWH one more try is important. Somehow you haven't managed to convince him that this is a serious affair. You must do so to force a conflict to occur in this affair.

Thanks for sharing your story Sugar. It gives a clearer sense how unpredictable and random the outcome of an affair can be.

I have a new development. I emailed OWH a list of hotels and telephone numbers, and a link to my family's photo album (I also e-mailed the link to OW and WH lest he forgets the family that he has destroyed). OWH e-mailed me back with a terse message asking me to stop e-mailing me and that he is not interested (quite a 180 from last night's "please e-mail me more"). He reiterated that his wife never ever had any affairs with WH.

How should I read this? What is your take on this dramatic change in his stance?

My take is that his wife intercepted the email and that your reply is from her.

You need to try and speak to him on the phone or in person, from now on.

Well- no. The outcome of an affair is very predictable - devastation for all concerned before the affair comes to a halt, in the short or long term.

However, my is story related to exposure, not to the affair outcome. The outcome of exposure to those other than spouses might be less than predictable. Extended families can sometimes support the affairees, which is a bummer.

The exposure to a spouse is VERY predictable. No spouse who understands that an affair really is an affair puts up with it. It's just a matter of making sure your message is clear.

Ok here is another message from him:

You need to move on with your life, we are trying to keep the marriage together. Whatever has happened I am not ready to let go of her. Do not e-mail me anymore. I have decided to put this behind me.

The second e-mail was not sent from his phone but was sent within minutes of the first one. Sounds like you, Sugar, were right, the first message was intercepted by OW.

It is probably from the OW.

This sounds like something the OW would write. Does she have access to her H's account, I wonder?

Regardless, you've still dealt a hefty blow to the A. I suspect it will fold quickly.

Have you exposed this to their school?

Yes, I have contacted the school. What is your take on the second message that I received from OWH e-mail account (see my posts #2565836 and 2565837). Do you still think it is the OW or could it be OWH?

I suspect it is OW. Waywards are crafty little devils. I would call him and hear it from him verbally before I would believe it.

It is likely the OW. They are notorious for intercepting emails/letters. Just think, why would he have reason to be ANGRY with you? Only the OW is angry.

I would call him up directly and if you can't get through, call his mother.

Q. Do not be discouraged that BH is in denial. This was also the case in my own situation and I was also painted as the "mean" crazy jealous wife. Which I found interesting given that our families were friends and I had never exhibited that type of behaviour before. It is hard to believe that our spouses are capable of such deception.

You have planted that seed of doubt in OWH mind and I am willing to bet that he will now watch WW like a hawk. Rest assured that you have dealt a huge blow to this affair...even though you may not be able to see it right now.


What is your plan right now? Plan A moving to B? You need a plan to keep you on track and to keep you from getting distracted by the drama.

Fight wisely. Prepare.

You are doing great.

I spoke to WH's father today. WH called him yesterday (after I exposed A to WH's father the day before) to explain how this is a cosmic connection and OW will be leaving her husband to be with WH. Strange, because this directly contradicts the messages from OWH (which my have been intercepted by OW) about how they are committed to stay in the marriage. Sounds like she is playing both men. I called OWH and got his voicemail. I indicated that I received the two e-mails from him about his desire to no longer be in contact with me and that I am prepared to honor it as long as he confirms that through a phone call to me.

We are scheduled to spend the next week separately. I am planning to continue with Plan A after my return home, unless things get hairy and then I will proceed with Plan B. What are the indicators that Plan A is not working?

quo, you should only be in Plan A for 3 to 4 weeks and then go into Plan B if he will not end all contact with the OW and commit to the marriage. I would start making plans to go into Plan B now.

Are you leaving town next week? Do you HAVE to go? This is really a terrible time to be leaving.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? It would be really helpful if you read this book ASAP so you can understand Plan A and Plan B. What are Plan A and Plan B?

I would keep trying to rouse him because she may have your # blocked on his phone and could delete your messages. You would not believe how devious cheaters are. I would keep calling and when you do, use *67 to diguise your number. Do you have the # of their landline?

How far away do they live?

I would never recommend leaving a voicemail message. When OW hears that and intercepts it - as she will - she will know what you are aiming to tell her H and she will tell him something else FIRST.

Ok, great advice. Anyway, I would be grateful for a plan of action. Next 8 days I am travelling to visit my family, whereas WH and DS are visiting his family. We are regrouping in our family home into what I hope to execute Plan A. Keep in mind that prior to traveling, WH was staying at a hotel for two weeks on campus finishing the semester. This was a result of my ultimatum that he either stay with the family and have NC with her or he leave and I will tell DS the truth. He chose to move out.

After our return from respective family visits, he is planning to stay at home while classes are not in session until the beginning of January. I was planning to carry out Plan A and if unsuccessful, to transition to Plan B at the time when classes resume and he goes back to campus (his work is 200 miles away and he has been staying 3-4 nights at hotels for the past three years). Keep in mind that originally (i.e. pre-exposure), he wanted to stay in our family home to maximize time with DS but he insisted that I stay elsewhere as to not give mixed messages and false hopes of reconciliation to DS.

Thank you for all your support. I need a post-exposure Plan A tips.

Have you read all of the info you can on Plan A and Plan B and what they are about? You don't stop Plan A and enter Plan B because Plan A wasn't working. What do you mean by that anyways?

Plan B should be done after 3-4 WEEKS not after a couple of MONTHS. And you and your WH would need to never spend a night apart again. Is that going to happen? You will need to change your life drastically to save your marriage.

Have you read all of the info on this site? It is very important that you do.