Exposure 101

Exposure is simply your most powerful weapon against an affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposure can be ruinous. Exposure is no guarantee, but it is your best bet at killing the affair and making it possible to save your marriage. YES, we know your spouse will be furious, but the goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all cost. Your marriage can survive his/her temporary anger; it cannot survive an ongoing affair. Read up on why exposure is so effective: When Should an Affair Be Exposed?



Dr Harley tells a betrayed husband he is an "enabler" for not exposing his wife's affair: radio clip

Dr Harley tells BTinTrouble to "expose the heck out of his wife's affair" [exposure saved their marriage, btw] radio clip here

Exposure targets
Parents of all concerned, family, close friends, children of the BS, workplace [if a workplace affair], spouse of the affair partner, pastor. Facebook friends of affair partner.

Exposure Timing
Exposure should be done immediately. The longer you wait, the more entrenched the affair becomes. There is never any �perfect� time to expose, so don�t delay while looking for an imaginary perfect time.

Expose on the SAME DAY � or as close as possible � in order to achieve a tsunami effect. The affairees should be completely taken by surprise. Doing this creates a powerful hit on the affair and prevents the affairees from pre-empting you

Exposure Tactics

Spouse of affair partner- Give your full name, phone # and email address. Tell the other BS all about the affair, offer to share all evidence with him/her. Offer to follow up to ensure that contact is truly ended and ask the other BS to do the same. The other BS will be shocked when you tell him, so be sure and give your email address and phone # for follow up questions. ALWAYS GIVE THE OTHER BS YOUR WS'S PHONE # IN CASE HE/SHE WANTS TO CALL.

Parents, close family, friends � Tell them about the affair, giving them names, general timelines, etc. Explain you are attempting to save your marriage and would be willing to forgive your WS if he/she ended the affair. Ask them to use their influence to persuade the WS to end her affair. A way to save time is to call both sets of parents and send an email to the other close family and friends. Template letter posted below

Parents of affair partner. Give your full name and explain why you are calling. Ask them to use their influence with their son/daughter to persuade them to leave your spouse alone. It might also help if the PARENT of the WS calls them too.

Workplace exposure: Expose to Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both of the affairee�s supervisors using the template letter posted below.

Facebook exposure: Should be done to the affair partner�s facebook friends via private message. This is a very, very effective exposure because it is a collection of the AP�s closest friends and family. SPACE THE PM�S OUT 60 SECONDS APART SO FB DOES NOT SHUT YOU DOWN FOR FLOODING. Before you begin, copy and paste all the contacts into a WORD doc. Change your fb picture to a picture of you and your spouse and children. Template letters posted below.


Send the Evidence! Provide the evidence via email to your exposure targets. One ideal way to do this is to start up a website, upload your evidence and send out the link to everyone. This prevents the WS from denying there is an affair.

The Fallout
Expect your spouse to be FURIOUS and to make all manner of threats, �I was going to work on the marriage, now I am not!!� �I cannot trust you� �You have to pack and leave!!� �You have ruined any chance you had!!� Do not let this bother you!! Just imagine that you have taken the crackpipe away from the crack head. Of course they are angry. But it will blow over. Don�t laugh, don�t fight, don't attempt to reason with them, and most of all, don�t be SCARED! Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it cannot survive an ongoing affair! The madder your WS, the harder you hit the target!

The goal is to save your marriage, NOT to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all costs.

Just say, "I am so sorry you are upset.. Can I get you a potato chip?"

Common Exposure Mistakes

Telling the WS that you got the idea to expose on the internet rather than taking ownership of your actions. Then the discussion becomes �who???� When the WS is told it was Marriage Builders, the WS is forever jaundiced against Marriage Builders, which harms future recovery chances. You need to OWN IT. Saying somebody told you to do it does not work for 5 year olds and it won�t work for you!

Keeping exposure a secret. Yes, you read right. But we have had exposure targets say �ok, I will keep this a secret!!� And they never tell the WS they know. That defeats the entire purpose. If that person won�t help you by speaking to your WS, at least TELL the WS that person knows.

Doing trickle exposures. Meaning exposing to just a few people but not to everyone that could have an influence. Trickle exposures are a disaster because they are not enough to kill the affair but just enough to infuriate the WS enough to come after the BS. So the exposure essentially only served to beat down the already beaten BS for no benefit.

Eliminating exposure targets because that person �has no influence over my WS� even though this is a person with long history over the WS. Such as a mother or father. Such targets cannot be dismissed on such a subjective basis because the BS CANNOT PREDICT WHO WILL OR WON�T HAVE AN INFLUENCE OVER THE WS. Sorry, but unless you are psychic and your name is Madame Cleo, you don�t know. Many WS are estranged from a parent, sibling, pastor but that is not a knock out factor.

Threatening to expose. Using exposure as a threat only serves to forewarn the affairees and cause them to go further underground. All you have achieved is to give the enemy your battle plan so they can come back and kick your rear tomorrow. It also gives them an opportunity to pre-empt you and tell others you are �crazy� �jealous�. Then then when you do expose no one will take you seriously. Threatening to expose is the equivalent of giving your battle plan to the enemy. Don't do that!

Deleting or throwing away evidence after the affair is killed. DO NOT DO THIS! You will need this in case the affair starts up again or if you get divorced. Yes, we know you don't want to be triggered. Fine. Then bag up the evidence and put it somewhere for safekeeping. Do not throw it away!

FACEBOOK or email exposure letter to family and friends of YOUR WS - this was written by board member, Underdog:

Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I. As some of you know, xxxxx has recently asked me for a separation, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she has been carrying on an affair with a old boyfriend named xxxxx xxxxx who resides in xxxxxx. He is also married and has young children . The purpose of the separation is so that she can carry on her affair without my interference.

She refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my babe, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards,

FACEBOOK EXPOSURE INSTRUCTIONS TO OM/OW CONTACTS


Should be done to the OM/OW�s facebook friends via private message. This is a very, very effective exposure because it is a collection of the OP�s closest friends and family.

SPACE THE PM�S OUT 60 SECONDS APART SO FB DOES NOT SHUT YOU DOWN FOR FLOODING. Before you begin, copy and paste all the contacts into a WORD doc. Change your fb picture to a picture of you and your spouse and children.


Dear friend of OM:

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH

***********************


Dear friend of OW,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that OW is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would ask that you use your influence with OW to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW

_________________________

Radio Clip of Exposing in the Workplace Part 1
Part 2

Workplace exposure letter - be sure and send to 3 key people and cc each on the letter. Good targets would be the Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both affairee's supervisor. This can be sent via registered letter or even via email!

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney--

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,
_________________________

From Dr Harley's article, When Should an Affair Be Exposed? here

"When there is an affair in the workplace, and the other person continues to work there, my advice is that the unfaithful spouse must quit the job and find another to avoid ever seeing or talking to the other person again. But if the unfaithful spouse is unwilling to resign, should a betrayed spouse expose the affair to the employer?

While I unhesitatingly recommend immediately exposing the affair to friends, family, clergy, children and the other person's spouse, I'm not so quick to suggest immediately exposing it to an employer. That's because such exposure could have unintended legal and economic consequences. For example, the affair might constitute grounds for a sexual harassment claim by the unfaithful spouse's lover. Or it might trigger the outright firing of the spouse, making it far more difficult for them to find another job.

If the unfaithful spouse has separated, in spite of my reservations I recommend immediate exposure to the employer. But if the unfaithful spouse has not separated, I advise the betrayed spouse to warn the unfaithful spouse that if he or she works there one more day, the affair will be exposed to the employer. That gives him or her an opportunity to use vacation time to look for another job and make a graceful exit. If a new job is not found by the time the vacation time is over, I recommend applying for an unpaid leave of absence or a resignation to avoid returning to work.

If the unfaithful spouse becomes angry upon hearing the warning, making it clear that there will be no resignation from the job, I encourage the betrayed spouse to expose the affair to the employer immediately."

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

here



here

here

I wish I had known about this place when my sitch happened in 2003. I may have been able to save my marriage. Utterly invaluable information, resources, and support from fantastic people like ML and all the others. Oh well, at least I'm forearmed now.

God Bless all of you

Thank you, wb1964! God Bless Dr Harley for recognizing the value of exposure!

The Aftermath
When things die down somewhat, it is important that you present a PLAN to your WS for recovery. The next step is to lead your marriage out of the ditch.

First step is to DEMAND your spouse end the affair.


Ask him/her to send a no contact letter to the OP that is written together, approved by you and mailed together. [template below from SAA]
here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Now Mel .... ain't dat a whole lot betta' den' doin' dis' ??? ~~~>

This is a great thread ML! This thread should be stickied at the top of SAA.

It is a whole lot bettah than doing this:

Excellent post. Great summary of a topic that currently is only described in the very latest edition of "His Needs, Her Needs."

Amazing, isn't it? He has stated he is rewriting SAA to include this too.

Great advice MelodyLane. Too late for me now...... we have reconciled but I wish I knew about this strategy about a year and a half ago.

Something to remember also about EXPOSURE is many OW will wait in the wings allowing the marriage to look like it ended because the BW and WH couldn't get along anymore.

There are thousands of stories identical to this on this forum. Once the divorce is over, the OW and WH are dating.

EXPOSURE wide and far gets rid of this fantasy. Everyone will know the OW was the reason for the divorce.

WH usually do not forget their OW. Only time allows them to forget about them. Because most affairs do not die a natural death, there is a lovebank balance for the OW.

Killing the fantasy of WH and OW being together after the divorce is the only way to help the WH's lovebank balance to lose love.

EXPOSURE even if the affair is over has to be done as well. OW are notorious for waiting for the WH. If your WH tells you the affair is over, then you STILL expose to all her friends and family, and go as wide and far as possible.


EXPOSURE THE BOMB THAT KEEPS EXPLODING IN LA LA LAND!!!!!

My WH's OW was responsible for the breakup of another marriage. My WH tried to convince me her previous adultery was a roommate of hers, and not OW. I was able to get the roommates names from WH, and contact her. Oh was OW mad. She was so mad at my WH because he told me the roommate's name. That put a huge nail into their adultery. My WH told me he was advised from his Wayward mother that he can no longer talk to me because I keep exposing his affair, and it isn't my business anymore. HAHAHAHAHA

Melody, here goes on the exposure part with military members.

If one or both of the infidels are members of the military, you have a GREAT asset! Why? Because it is against the law to commit adultery. And their command can and will order them to cease and desist...and me even punish them!

How do you do this? Well, each service is a little different. So, you will need to figure out which service they are a part of and then search out the corresponding agency that handles it. In the Army (and the Air Force), they have an Inspector General. The Navy/Marines should also.

The reason I say go to the IG, rather than the commander of the person's unit, is that many times, the commander might like the servicemember (SM) so they might just sweep it under the rug. That you do NOT want to happen! So, with the IG, they will go to the commander, tell him that they have this complaint...and the commander will conduct an investigation. The IG will oversee this, making sure that the commander does the right thing...and if a violation is found, that the appropriate actions/punishment happen. It will NOT be swept under the rug!

At the same time, even if ABSOLUTE proof is not found, at the very least, that commander is going order the SM to not contact your spouse...because the IG is hanging over their head. He/she will just tell them that even if nothing is going on, they are ordered not to make any more contact to make SURE nothing will go on!

So, as I said, the IG is the place to go.

When you call the IG, make sure you have at least the SM's name, his/her rank and unit, if you can get it. If you need help, ask someone you know that knows military rank and unit patches, and have them look at Facebook pictures or describe to them what their uniform looks like. Tell the IG everything you know. There are privacy protections...so you can give them info in confidence (one note: any information that directly implicates someone in an illegal act is not covered by privacy protections. Please understand that an IG is a Federal investigator!).

The IG will be adept at receiving these kinds of complaints, so will have additional questions for you. Answer them completely. If you dont know the answer, tell them you dont know. Or if you can get the answer, ask them if you should and get back to them.

Again, I cannot emphasize this enough...an IG is a Federal investigator. Which means, if you lie to them...there is jailtime and a huge fine. So dont do it! Tell them nothing but facts!!

At the end of the interview, the IG will advise you that they will pursue this...but they will not be able, sue to privacy rights, to let you know what the results of the investigation are. But you wont need them!!

Why? Because when that SM immediately stops contacting your spouse or contacts your spose and tells them they have been ordered not to see them anymore...then things will go nuclear. But that is the beauty of exposure. But unlike exposure in the civilian world, after exposure with a military member involved...well, no contact will be implemented immediately.

How do we know? Because if the SM is ordered not to see your spouse, and they do...then they have disobeyed a direct order. Then you call the IG, tell them contact continues. And there is almost nothing worse in the military than disobeying a direct order!! There WILL be criminal charges then!

So, do you research. Find out what unit they are in...or at least what post/base they are from. Then contact the unit of base/post IG. Do this at the same time that you do your exposure elsewhere (family, friends, etc).

Note: I wish that in the civilian world, there should be laws just like the military has.

thanks!

my question is this: are there laws against posting to someone else's facebook friends about the affair? Can I be sued for anything?

There are laws if you are not telling the truth.

Telling the truth is not against the law.

slander? even if it is true?

Let's put it this way: Are you planning on lying in any form or fashion?

slander, by definition, is false.

If she wants to sue you, tell her bring it on.

Sworn testimony is a nice thing.

I was just going to send her email apology and admittance to me to every one of her facebook friends. It's something she wrote herself. I've never responded back.

bump - looks like a new wave of exposure needs to happen

Why apologise if you said the truth?

So what about exposure when his family are not moral and would support him wanting to "be happy" ?

That is the typical response of about half of all exposure targets. But you don't have any control over that.

In my opinion, there is no sense in exposing to people who will just back the WH. Its humiliating to me and justifies his actions. And if I exposed to my family, they would never support our marriage again so I don't think exposure is something I can do.

That would be a strategic mistake. First off, you don't know who will or won't back the WH until you expose. And secondly, even if folks do back his adultery, he is still placed in a position to defend himself, which causes conflict in the affair. It still has the effect of a cold splash of reality. So it doesn't matter if the exposure target supports your marriage or the affair, it still serves the purpose of bringing the affair into the sunlight. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so it is effective regardless of the attitude of your target.

Secondly, you should especially expose to your family so they can support YOU. That is what counts.

If you are serious about recovering your marriage, this is a step you can't afford to skip. It is the most potent weapon against the affair and the first step towards recovery.

So yes, you can expose if you are serious about saving your marriage.

ITA, ML.

Exposure is absolutely necessary. And they WILL support your marriage should the WH go BACK to you under all necessary MB conditions. They will lose respect, sure, but it can be gained back.

trn,

No....you MUST expose!

I waffled too...afraid of the repurcussions...afraid of what W's family's reaction would be.

You know what I found out? DESPITE them knowing that we had issues in our marriage NOT ONE OF THEM approved adultery as a course of action, as a way to 'fix' the marriage.

Frankly, one of my W's uncles -- one who has never been too fond of me -- was ADAMANT about her ending the affair FIRST, THEN work on fixing the marriage...or not.

Point is, even HE knew it was wrong of her, and could not excuse it, no matter what his feelings toward me or the condition of our marriage pre-a was.

Expose.

It works.

trn, the whole point to absolute, nuclear, exposure is to eliminate any refuge the WS might want to find, and to discover heretofore unknown allies in your fight.

Think of this: It might be...convenient...for WH's mother to be disinclined to help you if she knows, but knows in secret, about his actions. Alternatively, how would she address her inaction with her siblings, friends, cousins, clergy, etc, if EVERYBODY KNOWS? "Oh, yeah, Aunt Rosie (...Granny, ...Father O'Brien), my boy has been banging the local skank, and, since I am also quite classless, I did nothing to dissuade him! More tea?"

Ng,

Great point, which alluded me in my post to trn....what helped was the fact that uncle knew...AND auntie...AND children...AND cousins...AND work...etc.

That's a heavy load for people trying to maintain a secret relationship....

Thanks.

...uncle knew...AND auntie...AND children...AND cousins...AND work...

...and in your case, my personal favorite......POSOM's MOMMY!

Oh, yes...how could I leave THAT one out???

Now there's a phone call I won't soon forget!

Looking back, how right you guys were...exposing to OM's employer and union and his getting fired from the job was HUGE, but boy oh boy, once mommy knew...in hindsight, that probably was the final nail in the coffin...

Quite effective (listening, trn? Take it from someone who putzed with it...IT WORKS!)

I just exposed my military WW last night, and I have to say that this is great advice.

I did a bad thing back in late January, I partially exposed. I told a few very close relatives of mine, and her 1st Sgt, but no one else. Here's how that went down:

- WW's 1st Sgt tells me he is going to issue a no-contact order, but tells her that he does not have enough evidence to do so (since I never gave him any)
- A whole lot of nothing....

I didn't go to the IG when I exposed last night, but I did involve a lot of her coworkers, as this was a workplace A. Once her Chain of Command realized that I was willing to expose to this level, their tune changed.

Today, a mere 12 hours after sending the facebook exposure messages, her 1st Sgt buys me lunch and asks me if I feel they are not doing enough. I said I needed him to issue the no-contact order, in writing and asked what I would need to provide him to make that happen. He tells me it will be taken care of by Monday, though he doesn't feel I needed to expose to this level (that seems to be the general consensus from people...other than this site of course.) Now, they are in CYA mode, and things are going to get done.

If you don't go to the IG, at least make sure that more than just her 1st Sgt and CC know about it. If they are placed in a position where it looks like they didn't do enough to prevent a CRIME, they could be held accountable.

I truly feel blessed to have this happen while in the military. I don't know how I could do this if I didn't have some guarantee that there would be no contact...God bless all you civilian BSs out there!

Edit: Missed some of the quote

When the IG is left out many a sarg up to the company commander has been known to sweep affairs under the rug. Then the affair continued but better hidden.

Jumping over peoples heads will only get them in trouble if they new a crime was being committed and they did not act to bring it to an end.

You need to go to the IG so this does not get swept under the rug.

Where do you place importance job or marriage?

My marriage counselor knows about my wife's emotional affair, but she advises against exposing it to family & friends.
Why would I shame my wife like this if it could end my marriage??

...because EXPOSURE doesn't end marriages...


...however, AFFAIRS do...

Brokenin2,

My marriage counselor knows about my wife's emotional affair, but she advises against exposing it to family & friends. Why would I shame my wife like this if it could end my marriage??

Is your marriage counselor divorced?

I can't say that I have a great many examples to have any statistical validity, but so far since I've been weakly suggesting marriage builder concepts to couples in trouble, 2 out of 2 that were "definitely getting divorced" are still together. Both of those couples were in traditional counseling and were getting nothing but an additional expense.

God Bless
Gamma

You have an inept "counselor" who has no idea how to save marriages. Hiding the affair only serves to enable it and you enable the affair at your own expense.

My suggestion would be to find a qualified "counselor" or, better yet, read Dr Harley's books and articles. He knows how to save marriages, your counselor does not.

P.s. Dr Harley is a renown licensed clinical psychologist and the founder of Marriage Builders. He has 16 published books and has saved thousands of marriages using these principles.

As he says "it is very hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler." I know of many marriages that ended in divorce because the spouse helped hide the affair. That helps the affair, but it does not help your marriage.

Here is a Marriage Builder article on how to select a good marriage counselor: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7100_counselor.html

Your marriage can stand someone's anger. Not cheating.

Hello everyone,

I must say that this affair my husband is having is awful. I told him I knew about it and he finally admitted to it. This mind you was back in 2008. The affair is still going on. I must say I wish that exposing it would have helped to stop it but it keeps going on. I believe that the only way it is going to end is if I leave, but if I leave I am not coming back to this nightmare it has just been to0 much and I don't believe he is willing to change.

Total mess and so many lies it's heart breaking

Sammid .... PLEASE go post on YOUR thread.

HERE is a LINK to YOUR thread!

I just love this post. Thought I might add a little extra.

After exposure you might be confused/frustrated by some very weird responses you get from people you thought would react with outrage ... they are strangely calm.
They fail to show distain for adultery and might appear non-committal towards how devastating adultery is to a marriage.

You expect ~~~> "OMG! Adultery s just so wrong."

What you got ~~~> "Well, these things happen when someone is unhappy in the marriage."

What you may also hear ~~~> "Maybe you ought to just move on."


Here's what I've been thinking about for awhile.
Many marriages have been "hit" by adultery.
More than we know.

It is my opinion (without proof or statistics) that the above responses are quite possibly a sign that there is/was a previous adultery in the respondents life that is still a secret.

In particular, the "Just move on." comment is a tip off to me (in my opinion) that person was probably an OM/OW/WW/WH at one time or another.

Could I be wrong?
Certainly.
But, my suspicions about a past (present?) secret adultery remain very high when I hear people getting those responses to adultery exposure.

Remember all you BS about to expose .... chances are that at least one of your exposure targets has a past secret adultery that will color their response to your exposure.

My opinion if you get this response .. "Why are you being so vindictive?" <~~~ The chances are that person is/was an adulterer. That is my opinion based on years posting on this forum & learning something new every day.

DO EXPOSURE ANYWAY.
It's good to make adulterers nervous.

PS

Another opinion of mine.

Chances are extremely high that your marriage counselor has also been involved with his/her own affair/adultery if that counselor ever says/implies that the BS is responsible for their WS's decision to cheat/lie/betray/fornicate/break vows/betray their values.

Not sure if exposure is applicable to me.

I separated 3 months ago. My wife and I agreed we would work on our relationship both individually and together with a view to reconciliation.

Within 24 hours, she was registered on a dating site, and actively dating guys. I'm not sure if she has a boyfriend, I suspect so but no proof. I can get proof if I need it.

I'm 100% sure there was no affair pre-separation.

Given we are separated, despite our agreement, is exposure applicable?

Welcome desperateguy and sorry for what has brought you here.

Please start your own thread so you can get responses to your situation.

Then I have a few questions. Did you move out or did she?
What snooping did you do to be 100% sure that there was no affair?
How long have you been married? Any kids?

Yes get the proof and yes you need to expose.

Mortarman, In my case, the OM is a retired marine. Do you know if this method would be effective? I assume he is drawing some kind of pension.

I've just exposed affair and wanted to add my words of encouragement. Yes it isn't easy to do, it is counter intuitive you want to protect your WS, family, even yourself. As Dr. Harley, the vets and those more experienced have stated it is the most powerful tool we have in killing the affair.

Yes there are fears that some may not respond the way we wish they would, or we may not think we have enough evidence. But if it makes the WS & OP uncomfortable or interferes with their fantasy you have been successful. It may even plant the seed of doubt in the minds of friends who re think the story they have been told.

It isn't easy to mail that letter, push that button, but once you do and you get into the rhythm of PM on FB its suprising how empowered you feel. We are slowly taking back some control over our lives and hopefully a successful marriage in the future.

Good luck, listen to the vets the will guide, encourage and support you.

ADVICE:

Never believe your WS has told anyone the truth about why your marriage is falling apart.

I thought for SURE my WXW had told her closest friends what was going on. My WXW had two other mothers in our neighborhood that she was VERY close with.

They spent virtually every day together having playdates for the kids, drinking wine, talking, etc.

But it wasn't until after the divorce that I found out neither of these women had been told about the affair.

That is why you need to EXPOSE TO EVERYONE.

Greetings to all,
I've posted elsewhere (SAA), and was directed to read Exposure 101 -- which has proved extremely useful, and generated the following:
- I have compiled a list of 62 of OM's contacts (ie those who have commented/liked items on OM's page). Those contacts generated a total of 103 messages/comments/likes, out of which my WS's were 6 (six), the highest! There was one other woman and one guy with five, four women and two guys with four each, a couple of women with three, etc. I gathered these stats in case they help determine a) priority, and b) whether OM has a latent significant-other. Make sense? Any point?
- OM has no friends who aren't human, so the trick of befriending a small-company already friendly to OM etc won't work here. Alternative tack?
- My WS is very, very canny, and has NOTHING viewable to the public. How do you crack that nut? Or do you look for another nut to crack? (Btw, I have seen screenshots of OM and WS's arguments/lovers' tiffs, courtesy of Family Cyber Alert - which I can't rate highly enough, btw...)
- Not before time I deployed FCA (above): A scant three weeks later, and the WS starts a new job that gives her a new laptop -- meaning that she no longer will use the home laptop, on which I installed FCA. Still, it is Facebook that gave FCA the evidence...

Thanks. And all the best, happyfuture66!

What's optimal timing for an exposure, Exposure 101-style? After challenging WS or finding truth from WS? Or is it through the exposure that WS is supposed to learn of BS's knowledge?

I was pondering the timing etc of doing exposure to OM's Facebook contacts and WS's e-mail contacts/friends, when this new event occured:

Today wife sent me a txt message asking if I could drop her by the hospital, after picking her up from the train station after work. I said OK, and "what's up re hospital"? She replied (in part): "have infected stomach bloated and now sore...usual girl stuff so need antibiotics".

B*llsh*t.

At least, that's what my now-suspicious mind tells me, betting that either a) she's missed her period, or b) picked up a present from her recent solo trip abroad (a "treat" for her self for having landed a new job, five months on).

So. It's taking ALL of my self-restraint to NOT challenge her right now, when I go pick her up from hospital. I know that she'll argue back and deny. She has once or twice in the past also thrown in an "I don't care what you do, so you shouldn't care what I do", just for good measure -- and I wouldn't be surprised if she deployed that tonight as well.

But worst thing is I haven't done the Facebook exposures to OM's contacts, nor the email exposures to WS's friends. Having an outburst now will probably ruin my "tsunami of truth", hence my forcing myself to restraint. How do I hold my tongue?

So, back to my opening question, what's the best timing for an exposure, Exposure 101-style? After challenging WS or finding truth from WS? Or is it through the exposure that WS is supposed to learn of BS's knowledge?

Thanks. My stomach is in knots, and my heart-rate is up. :-)

I would confront her and then expose the affair. Don't forewarn her that you are going to expose. Just expose and let her find out on her own.

Thanx. I'm provisionally setting E-Day as Mon 28 May. Our daughter was seven just two days ago (15 May), and she has a party this Sat 19 May. WS "has plans" ("why the @^�*@^ didn't we just have people come here on Tue, and not have to do any entertaining on the weekend?!"), and is set on leaving Fri, coming home briefly on Sat for daughter's party, then leaving again, to return Sun or Mon. I want the little girl to enjoy the focus of her birthday.

I also need more evidence, altho' I suspect I'll get no more, because her new work laptop means WS'll seldom again use the home laptop, on which I'd installed the inestimable Family Cyber Alert (FCA) for evidence-gathering duties.

My main evidence comes from a number of screenshots (and keylogger text files) that capture WS's arguments with OM. He accuses her of now being free to move on to XYZ (another male) now that she has got him (OM) "out of the way"; and of behaving like a single woman (the cheek of it!). She counter-accuses him of inappropriate conversations with his ex-girlfriends, and in breath-takingly explicit and denigrating language, tells him to get lost. He responds by begging her: "I need you" -- then calling her on my home number in my house! Upon reading up to that point I all but threw up :-). I burst out laughing instead. I think my mirth was born out of relief -- relief that I wasn't insane, I hadn't been falsely accusing an innocent person, and relief that I had never lowered myself to begging, even in the dimmest days. I believe I have evidence -- but is it solid evidence? Does it convince even you, gentle readers? Thanx as usual...

You don't need evidence because she is shacked up with this rat. That is all you have to say.

Do you plan on exposing Saturday after your daughters party? The reason you didn't have people come there on Tuesday is because apparently you did not plan a party on your daughters birthday for some unfathomable reason. Did you invite people to come on that day? Plan a party?

What is your reaction when your wife runs off to shack up with her lover? I cannot imagine what my husband would do if I told him I was running off to get laid by my boyfriend. You would have to call the SWAT team to save my life.

No, I'm thinking of exposing on Mon 28 May -- my "E-Day". I planned daughter's party for Sat rather than Tue because many of our friends live out of town. (Plus ironically, WS used to complain when people came round for our kids' birthdays during the week: "I've been working all day! Why must I entertain/cook/etc in the evening as well?!?!" Now she's complaining about the reverse. Not that it matters.)

Seriously, though, I'm looking for "best-practice" here: do you "reveal your source" by showing the evidence, or not? And is my evidence scant, or substantive?

I am not following your reasons for this delay? Why are you delaying the exposure?



I would simply explain that your wife lives with the OM most of the time. That is all the evidence you need to present. But again, I am not understanding this delay.

Thanks, but I'm not sure I understand, MelodyLane: "explain" to whom - to WS, or to Exposure audience?

Remember, I have evidence of a relationship, not of co-habitation. WS doesn't know I now have that evidence (screenshots of Facebook and email arguments between WS and OM): she is in blissful ignorance of the fact that I am NOT in blissful ignorance of her doings.

She doesn't announce she's off to shag or shack with some other guy -- she just leaves, and when I ask, she'll name one of three girl friends with whom she'll be "partying, then crashing".

Delay is immediately for daughter's party, and secondarily for possible approach to step-son's biological father, who'd verbally said he'd like son to live with him in Australia. My focus/agenda is securing exclusive custody of my daughter.

To your exposure audience.


Where is your wife staying?


I would not delay this any longer. It is not necessary. Confront her today and then expose the affair after the party. You can focus on securing custody of your daughter after you have exposed.

I now plan to do just that, tho' I need to finish assembling list of WS's friends' email addresses for Exposure. Got OM's Facebook friends/contacts already. Thanks.

Got WS contacts. Need to build Facebook page, then I'll be ready for Exposure aka the Tsunami of Truth. I'm itching to Expose now, although the coaching seems to be to wait until after our daughter's party on Sat. Thanks.

More importantly, confronted WS this morning. As expected, she denied and bluffed and even demanded proof. I simply re-stated "I know you are having an affair with OM, and I want it to stop, and that's that."

That was on the 10min drive to the station. Since I dropped her off, she's called four or five times, and sent four or five denying and progressively rude messages. I've ignored them all.

I'm itching to go straight to Exposure as soon as I finish building Facebook page, but I'll probably take MB coaching and wait until Sun, after 7yo daughter's party on Sat.

Coaches, please comment on this modified Exposure e-mail to WS contacts:

Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the life of WS. You may know that WS has been spending progressively more time away from home � starting from the odd Friday or Saturday night, but now averaging four or five nights a week. I am profoundly saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she has been carrying on an affair with a man named OM OM who resides in OMville. He has a two-year-old child born around the time that he met OM, and he has older children as well. The purpose of OM�s many absences from me and the children at home is so that she can carry on her affair without our interference.

WS refuses to end the affair. In fact, she denies the affair, even though I have seen proof of key-drops at hotel receptions, invitations to travel together up-country when she was ostensibly going away on business for her employer, and indeed semi-nude pictures of them together. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my wife, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with WS to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage and our family.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards,
BS.

Thanks.

No I'm sorry to say, we can't right now

So I exposed tonight. I have no major insight, except that I would say DEFINITELY space your messages at least 60 seconds apart (and maybe every 10 or so wait a bit longer). I got shut down, sadly:) Still got quite a few done, but I wish I'd been able to do more. So I don't know what the difference is with some people saying 30 seconds, or you can do a few close together. Didn't work for me. I'd rather be safe than sorry. Good luck!

An ingenious facebook exposure tactic devised by board member, Rainysweet, is to include a link in your facebook exposure letters to a private webpage with evidence of the affair. Instead of telling exposure targets to write you for the evidence of the affair, all they have to do is click on the provided link and the evidence pops right up! Rainysweet - who says she is not computer savvy - simply uploaded a photo of the infidels together along with a scanned card from the OW to her WH in the OW's handwriting professing her "lurve." This added great impact to her exposure, especially since the very deceitful, manipulative OW was denying her affair to all and playing the victim.

Here are Rainysweet's instructions - thank you Rainysweet!!

Ah, shucks, Melody

I kinda thought I was breaking the rules a little actually, but it was far better for me - Look at it or don't. I didn't want the burden of sending out proof, and too many people were questioning and doubting with the unbelievable facade this little skank has kept up for so long. I would guess most people would not have sent me a request for proof and may have believed her garbage. But I think most people would click on a link that no one's gonna know about, just to see. And then it's right there in their face, they chose to look at it - I didn't force it on them. What are they gonna say?

Then they go to OW's page and read her, "There are no words . . . thank you, friends, for not believing such vicious lies."

I also blocked my friend list and photos and everything on fb, but I left it so people could send me private messages if they wanted to - all while looking at the sweet profile picture of my family. Didn't want to totally hide, but stand behind what I said. The one unbelievably nasty message I got, I blocked that person ASAP, after sending her a quick pleasant reply. "Thanks for your opinion. Hope she doesn't come after your husband! Have a great day." (Thanks, BrainHurts for that ingenious response! I would have been at a loss without you!)

Oh, and you know what? I think it was actually a blessing that it took me 3 nights to expose to everyone. In fact, if you can survive on no sleep for days at a time, I might suggest it, breaking it up into 2 or 3 nights. She blocked her friend list after the first night. (Lucky for me, I followed the "save it to a word doc" advice). She had me blocked before then, so I'm sure it played with her tiny mind to wonder how I got access to her list in the first place???

I sent out a whole slew of new messages the second night. Freaked her out a little more, I think. And then the third night . . . and I finished up this morning. So it came in waves - more people seeing the garbage, bigger and bigger tidal wave coming. Feeling of dread building up in her . . . "who knows what this psycho BW will do next?" 'Bout time she had to feel some of that horrible feeling. She sure knows how to dish it out.

Wish you all luck!

Gah! .. you beat me to it pray! ..

Dr Harley wrote the following:
Mon Jun 18 2012


Thanks, Doc.

Link to original

Exposure is an important means of getting the truth out there and countering the waywards history re write and denigration of the BS. This is important not only in killing the A, but helping the BS find support. If reconciliation is possible it also helps recovery if family and have friends were aware of the truth, if not their view of the BS can impact marital recovery and contact may need to be cut.

Another excellent radio clip on the importance of exposure and why. Dr. Harley also explains all the steps that need to be taken to recover from an affair.
Radio clip on steps to take to revover from an Affair

Moved to SAA at request of OP.

Yay!!

I would say exposure is the most counter-intuitive instruction in the MB plan. It is also the most effective.

I believed that Dr. Harley advised exposure only in the case where the affair has not ended. Firstly, this is not his current recommendation. And secondly, you cannot be sure the affair has ended, even when all evidence points to that, just after D-Day.

My instinct was to have some small degree of trust in my WH after D-Day 1. So with his assurances, and with some (obviously too lightweight) snooping and verification, I did only a modest exposure. HAD I EXPOSED NUCLEARLY, I AM SURE THE AFFAIR WOULD HAVE ENDED THEN AND THERE, INSTEAD OF CARRYING ON UNDERGROUND FOR 6 MORE MONTHS. Plus, I would have had the benefit of much-needed support. And both I AND WH would have been spared the pain of a more-entrenched affair.

The fact that we are now in recovery is only by luck. (and the fact that OW is an instable whack-o). I seriously endangered my marriage's chances of recovery by not going nuclear with exposure. Yep, I was actually an enabler of the affair by NOT going big.

Do not make the mistake I did. Expose deeply and fully. And now.

Links to Inspector General offices for reporting adultery in the United States Military.�

Navy

http://www.ig.navy.mil/complaints/Complaints%20%20(Adultery).htm

Army

https://www.hrc.army.mil/STAFF/IG%20-%20Frequently%20Asked%20Questions

Air Force

http://www.af.mil/inspectorgeneralcomplaints.asp

Marines:

http://www.hqmc.marines.mil/igmc/Resources/SubmitaComplaint.aspx

Coast Guard

http://www.oig.dot.gov/hotline

I'm preparing for exposure, have all the contacts ready on both sides etc. but I'm not really sure if it's the best course of action in my situation. I read all of the posts, but in my case, the affair is definitively over. I've been able to prove this. Things are rough with my WW, but she seems genuinely interested in working on the relationship. Could it be that exposure would do more harm than good? But if exposure is the way to go, I'm ready for it.

Yes, it is the best course of action. Exposure is not harmful.