Hello everybody, been following all the brilliant advice on Marriage builders after a breakdown in our marriage, we've been together 15 years and have 3 kids.

Last night was our first big talk about out relationship, there have been no affairs with either of us but we have both suffered depression in the past and have always struggled to explain our feelings.

Anyway, the talk was going well and it was a really honest heart to heart and we both got a bit upset at times but when we finished talking we were ok and reasonably happy although I could tell there was something on my wifes mind. I left it as we were both too emotionally tired, so tonight I asked her about it and she said that she felt like I was blaming her for EVERYTHING.

I was very careful during our talk and explained at the begining that it wasn't about blame and I just want to get things right and even repeated that about half way through. I even accepted blame from her and apologised a lot for things I had discovered while reading this website.

What do you think? As I just can't work it out

Just because you say it's not about blame doesn't mean it's not. If she says she felt like you were blaming her, then she's giving you valuable feedback. You were disrespectful. Knock it off.

A better approach: quit having any talks in which you get upset, and start working to make the relationship better. What are her chief complaints about your marriage? How do the two of you spend your time, and who with?

What did she feel you were blaming her for?

She felt like you were blaming her for everything. It really is as simple as that, no figuring out required. Now your job is to find out what exactly made her feel that way and stop doing that.

I imagine you were trotting out all her wrongs. People don't like that. The good news about this program is that you don't hsve to go digging through the past and figure out who did what wrong. You just need to make a plan moving forward. Have you two filled out the questionnaires yet? The love buster one is where all the yucky stuff comes out. Get it done!

Tescon, Please contact the moderators about the use of multiple aliases. Thank you, Fireproof

Tecson, I have learned that there are dozens of ways in which I can make my wife feel blamed when I talk to her. She speaks up about these, now, and I've been slowly learning and getting better, and our relationship is improving greatly as a result. Early in our marriage, almost everything I said came across to her as if I was saying she was a bad wife or bad mother. And of course you can't resolve anything at all like that. But you can learn to be more respectful.

Of course, that's not all it takes to restore a marriage. Have you read Dr. Harley's basic concepts? You need much time together meeting the intimate emotional needs that constitute romance: conversation, affection, recreational companionship, sexual fulfillment. You need openness and honesty. You need a compatible lifestyle that comes from both of you committing to make interdependent decisions that both of you are enthusiastic about, instead of living independently.

What is your biggest complaint about your marriage?

Hi all, last night was about talking our current problems, we're at the moment filling in the love busters and emotional needs questionnaires and scheduling in more time together.

Thanks for all the replies so far, she feels I blamed her for everything!

So the advise really is to forget about the past and use all our energy to focus on the future? and keep feelings buried and follow the program?

I can't PM you but if you could delete the first alias that would be great.

Thanks

OK had a bit more time to think, I wasnt trying to be disrespectful, I was trying to protect her, basically saying it's your fault but it's not your fault.

Yes, you'll need to follow all of it. A lot of people try to cherry pick just the principles they want, and then wonder why it doesn't work.

I asked earlier, have you read the Basic Concepts? And a few other questions, answers to them will help us give you better help.

Biggest complaint is shes not meeting my emotional needs, I realise this now but for many years I didn't. I understand the logic behind most of this now but still struggle to get it across.

Also often she complains of being controlled which I admit and it's taken this website to understand how I've done this and have realised just now that in a way I was trying to control her by trying to stop her being so sensitive? I've also realised that I'm very insecure and will be seeking help for that as well.

I don't know what her chief complaints are, mostly about me being controlling. We are so busy working or looking after 3 small children that we don't have much time together and have very few friends, we spend most of our time being exhausted! I haven't read the basic concepts yet but have pretty much read the whole website.

Insecure about what?

Thank you for your response, Tescon. I will disable your other alias, Lancelot, but posters should familiarize themselves with your other thread so they have all the facts. here They need all of the facts in order to give you the proper help. Your thread should be on the Surviving an Affair forum since it involves an active affair and I would be happy to move it there.

Tecson, most of the time when a person feels insecure in their marriage, the solution is for their husband or wife to change the things that are making them feel insecure. This very often means that they are being gaslighted: somebody is trying to make them believe something that is not true.

Okay, we can identify with the small children issue. We have SIX of them! You have got to prioritize your time together, though. And if exhaustion is taking a toll, you have got to prioritize your sleep.

How many hours are you working each week.

As for as you being controlling, what is it that your wife wants to do that upsets you?

Okay, you have some basic education you need to complete in order to learn how to use the tools here. Go read every page of the Basic Concepts. It'll take you all of fifteen minutes.

The whole point about the new alias was simply because there is no affair and this forum seems convinced there must be an affair involved for there to be marriage problems or for someone to have a moment of clarity. I value the advice that people give which is why I created a new alias. I do suffer I've discovered from general insecurity which was reflected in jealousy whenever my wife talks to other men. Women are allowed male friends who are only just friends.

I see what your saying but my insecurity is in everything and not just in marriage, I don't feel good enough at work, as a parent, as a husband and I've tried for so long to become someone that other people want me to be rather than focusing on who I want to be.

We do get the sleep but I think we are both emotionally exhausted which is one of the things that was my sense of clarity moment. As for the controlling thing, the biggest problem was her money (we're very very short of money and have debts) and I'm just concerned about the bills.