Can't, have a couple people over that I have to tend to.

Ok, so, I sent a letter to HR and to both of his parents through facebook.

I would call OM's wife, but I have guests who I don't want to involve. I feel horrible for sending the emails now. But, I need to keep the focus on the fact that I don't have anything to lose, right?

-Crestfallen32

Good job! When is your company leaving?

They left. And...well..I just can't bring myself to call. So I found her personal email address and sent another letter. I'm so afraid. I feel like I'm failing now, where I should be strong. I'm sorry.

Why not?? Don't you want to help this poor woman??

I called...and was told to never contact her again. She doesn't want to talk about it with me. She was actually mad at me for calling.

Wait. Five minutes ago you said you couldn't bring yourself to call her, and now you've called her and she doesn't want you to call again???

Crestfallen, this is an anonymous forum. We have to assume that you are telling the truth. So I'm going to assume that you couldn't bring yourself to call her at 1:00, then suddenly had a moment of fearlessness, picked up the phone, immediately got shut down by OMW, hung up the phone, and immediately posted that here. Is that correct?

Because I can tell you that, if you are blowing off exposing this to the one person that is the most influential in ending the affair, your plan to save your marriage is skewed.

Your post about helping this woman, and another friend of mine telling to just do it forced me to do it. I maned up I guess. I tried to talk to her and she told me to never to contact her again and hung up on me.

I was so afraid to call, that I almost hung up while it was ringing...but just let it ride.

I know she got my email and FB now for a fact though, since her first response to my name was "Are you kidding me?"

I have no reason to lie, I am just a coward in alot of things. It's hard to find the backbone when it's so hard. Hence why I came here and finally posted something.


-Crestfallen32

So, is it normal to feel ashamed for exposing, having someone angry at you for something you brought to light to them? Is it normal to feel lost and depressed now?

What do I do now?

-Crestfallen32

Denial can sometimes be the type of response received from the betrayed spouse, on hearing that their other half is involved in an A. To be honest, prior to D-Day, if someone called me and told me my FWW was in a 2 YEAR A, I would have likely thought them crazy.

But then I would think about it again, and hopefully come to my senses.

A suitable response to the "are you kidding me?" reply may be "Unfortunately, no. I did not believe it myself when I first found out. Unfortunately, it is true (and give a brief description of why you know it to be true)".

Depressed, yes. Ashamed? Most people do feel a sense of shame when their spouse indulges in an A.

What do you do now? Well, that depends on what you want to achieve.

That's a good question. Ultimately, I love to have my wife and marriage strong and healthy. Yet, I can't seem to think that, knowing her, this will never be seen as a good thing.

But at the same time, I know I need to work on myself. So, I am working on that. Going to get get the books again, read, re-read, and study some more.

If nothing else, get ready for what I feel is coming I guess.

-Crestfallen32

Crestfallen, yes it is normal to feel that way if you ALLOW OTHERS TO MANIPULATE YOU INTO THINKING YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG. You have to remind yourself that feelings are not truth. The only ones who have anything to be ashamed about are the adulterers. So don't you dare let yourself feel bad for doing the right thing. Anyone who tells you that you have done the wrong thing is wrong themselves.

All you did was expose truth. If you had exposed that your wife won an humanitarian award, she wouldn't be so mad, would she?

Hang tough and be strong!

So I finally heard something. And now she thinks I am doing it all out of spite, trying to ruin her life. By what our friend is saying to me is that she has been done with me a long time ago, but could only recently came to be able to say something about it.

From my friend, she just hasn't wanted to be with me for a long time, but because I am a great guy she couldn't bring it up. And now I am being an [censored] and given her a reason to hate me even more.

Apparently her family already knew about the affair. From what the friend says, WW doesn't even really like the OM anymore. As in he made her feel good for a time when she was feeling low.

So, from what I get about it...is this just sealed it. Or that's how it sounds.

-Crestfallen32

This is normal, re-writing of history, the I-hate-yous.

Normal part of the process. Hang tight!

I don't know. From what my friend says, she has had the same problems all summer. Always the same thing. She believe the affair was short lived. I told my friend that if there was any reason to believe that my WW was lieing to her, and she says she could be. But since it's all the same since June she doesn't think so.

My WW now is fearing for her job...thinking I am out to just ruin her life and career. She wants to know how many ways and times she needs to say she is done. My only thought to that is, move out.

She has no interest in trying to fix things. None. I wish I could get her to read the books, but I don't think that will happen. She doesn't know I sent a letter to her work. That's really going to cause some problems. That will really get her to thinking I am just being vindictive and trying to crush her to get back at her.

Is that normal too?

-Crestfallen32

She might have been a little disgruntled before the affair (or else why would she have decided to stray?)The affair changed everything.

I've had friends complain to me about their marriage - but they have no intention of leaving it. There is no other man. They just crab. They are hugely vulnerable to an affair, and that would be the tipping point for their marriage.

That's what it sounds like in your case. Your wife may have confided some dissatisfaction to her friend. Enter OM = affair.

It sounds like she is casting about for justifications for her affair. She "was done" therefore she is justified. Don't let it bother you one bit! Just carry on!

I hear you all, and I can see what your are saying, as well as what everyone has said before. I can also see how everything she has done has been to distance herself, so she can get away. Just to give herself an out. My friend keeps saying that I am grasping at straws to try and fix something that was already done awhile ago. As in last year.

Just let her know that she is not done as long you are still married. And if her career is ruined it would be because of her affair, not because of anything you did. If she feels she is "done" then what are her plans? Let her know you won't tolerate a continuation of her living there in the guest room carrying on her affair right under your nose. Tell her that you demand she end all contact with her affair partner.

If she wants to move out, tell her you won't stop her. But you won't tolerate the continuation of her affair.