No, it is not done until you are divorced. You have chance if you can kill the affair. Please stop listening to people who know NOTHING about saving marriages and listen to us. You have a greater chance of saving your marriage TODAY - after exposure - than you did yesterday.

How many marriages has your "friend" saved? What are his credentials?

Ok, she has no interest in trying to fix things because SHE IS IN AN AFFAIR. That is like saying the falling down drunk "has no interest" in following the 12 steps of AA. Of course he doensnt! He has to stop drinking FIRST. That is why you have to get her away from the OM before she will be interested in recovery.

And yes your wife will think you are being "vindictive" about exposing at work. Just like the falling down drunk thinks you are being "vindictive" when you take his booze away. It doesn't mean it was the wrong thing to do. But once you kill the affair and her fog blows off, she won't feel that way.

Her workplace has every right to know that she and OM are carrying on an affair at work since their unprofessional behavior puts them at great legal risk. If she loses her job, it will be because of her affair and no other reason at all. You are not to blame for her affair.

I just kinda caught up. What you are hearing is very similar to what I heard, it is to be expected.

You know it is anger, at herself as much as you. If she blames you, then she did nothing wrong, right?

All you can do is be what you should be. No begging, no trying to talk her into anything, no apologizing.

Your attitude should be something like, "I want to make this work and am ready to do the work, I hope you want to as well. If not, I will still do it and I will be fine."

Withdrawal will be hell. NC must occur.

Never move out, NEVER.

And, be sure about this. She is already thinking about getting you out.

Consider taking control if she continues to not cooperate.

So she called me this evening. All she wants is to be done. I have only said, I know I was a terrible husband. I am going to work on that to show you I can do the things you need. Her reply was only that I can't. There is no way for me to restore the love.

I am hard pressed not to believe her when she says the affair was short lived. Being as she told her family already. That and with the reaction I got from the OMW today. She did promise to read the Surviving an Affair book at least. Though she says it might not finished before the new year. She does have a high stress and demanding job.

I don't mean to sound like I'm making excuses for her. She knows that the affair hurt me and that is was wrong. Of course, no one knows her better than me right?

She says she doesn't want to work on it. She doesn't want to. Part of it is that we are young, buying a house, and neither wants to move out for NC. Can't really afford it.

She told me we had no connection, and wouldn't ever again, or feels it can't happen. I of course feel differently.

You say to be what I should be. I have read the books, I'm going to reread them again. But what else can I do. And am I too late? I have read so much now, I just wish she would read some of the things I have read.

Now I feel hopeless...and with friends telling me it's time to let go, it's hard not to.

-Crestfallen32

Ugh! Don't fall for this!
As you should be! The affair is ON. She's currently working on making you the bad guy. So stop this: You had your faults. SO DID SHE. Don't own the condition of your marriage all by yourself. There are TWO people in a marriage.

Are you kidding me??? I blew through that book within hours! And then went back and read it again, and again. This tells you her priorities. No job would stand in her way of reading a book if she wanted to read it.

The affair is going to have to be killed. Only then can you begin to recover your marriage.

So here's how I feel right now. She wants a divorce. Says there's no way for me to meet her needs. I feel I can. I don't know for a fact that the affair is happening, or happened. Either way, I exposed. Her family is all on her side, being as they know about it. I have also heard that the OM is trying to fix his family. Either way, I can have to wait for the fallout of the expose. She swears she will never forgive me for involving people who shouldn't have been involved. That's all well and good. Even if there was no affair going on.

What should I do now? Going to get to the library as soon as it's open again, check out the books....maybe buy them as well. Going to pour over them.

On a side note, she doesn't want to move out, and has not stated that I should move out. IE we will just have to deal with living under the same roof. Is that a good thing? My friend still insists, due to her divorce years ago, that there is nothing I can do to fix this. That she will never be into the marriage. Yet, there are plenty of posts and articles about one person saving a marriage.

Coming back to this, if you've been M'd for only three years, and there are no children involved (I'm assuming this is the case, as you haven't mentioned it), I suggest you seriously reconsider if you want to remain M'd to this woman.

Your friend obviously doesn't know how to save marriages, though. Her own past speaks to that true fact. I wouldn't suggest taking advice from someone who doesn't know how to do it. She knows how to get divorced, right? So she wouldn't be your go-to guy unless you wanted to get divorced.

Anyway, you are doing just great! It sounds like your exposure went very well, so just hang in there and do a great Plan A!

So, after a night trying to sleep and some thought processing. I think I have come to some conclusions.

First, I don't think she is "having" an affair with whom I thought. I do know she had a PA with him. In so coming up with that, I don't think it's just one person. I think she just out on the town so to speak. Willing to pick up anyone she who has shown interest in the past or present.

Second, MIM made a good point. Do I really think it's worth it? I don't know honestly. With everything that's been going on, and with all of her resentment. I can only try I guess. But, I'm feeling depressed, which I know is normal. I can't seem to eat, and when I force myself to eat I feel sick.

I feel better today...somewhat. She called my friend and told her we talked, and that I don't believe my W when she told me she has no interest in reconsiling. Again, I know my friend isn't really qualified, and it's only an opinion. But at the same time, there are other things that have happened over the years I guess.

I want us to go through the MB course, but without a willing partner I'm not sure it can happen. I am going to do through it as best I can. Going to eliminate all the love busters that I do. But, if she's catting around, seems kinda tough. I have alienated all of her friends and family from me due to the exposure, as they see it as a one time event that she already admitted to...and is remorseful about. Or at least they all think so.

Anyway, just my thoughts for today. And just to say it again, I thank you all for being strong when I am not able to do by myself. Perhaps it really is time to let go? When do you know when to do that?

-Crestfallen32

I have heard Dr. Harley on his radio show ask callers what is the logical reason for staying with their unfaithful spouse.

Often there's a very logical reason such as children and the betrayed spouse doesn't want to break up the marriage.

If there are no children, and the unfaithful spouse is unwilling to change their behavior, he has sometimes advocated for separation and even divorce, saying that the continued behavior of the unfaithful spouse will make the betrayed spouse very unhappy.

If this marriage ends, I strongly recommend you learn all you can about the Marriage Builder principles so you are better prepared if there's a next time. Learn how to end your love busters; learn about living an integrated, transparent, and interdependent life. Learn about emotional needs. Know all about the principles that make marriage work, so you can ask the right questions in the future.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, Crestfallen. I know it's very hard on you emotionally and physically, and with no support from her family, it's that much harder. As MiM suggested, since you don't have children, you really should deeply consider whether you want to fight for this marriage with such an unwilling partner. A good marriage is wonderful, but a bad one is emotional torture. And to make a marriage good, both spouses need to be on board at some point.

If your W is truly remorseful, she would agree to extraordinary precautions for the rest of her life and rebuild a romantic marriage with you.

Been a few days since my last post. Not really much to report, other than the fact that the wife came home this evening after being with her family for the holiday.

I have no idea what I am doing. I'm anxious and shaking like a leaf. Tried to just be as nice as possible, asked how her thanksgiving dinner was, etc. The answers weren't mean per say, but there was definetly some anger behind her words. I was about to make myself something to eat, asked if she was hungry. Of course, she said no. I figure she doesn't me to do anything "for" her at all. Just to prove her point she went down and washed her clothes. Piling mine back into the bin. Sure, it kinda upset me, but I know she's mad. Trying to show me she doesn't want anything to do with me.

Anyway, now she's in her room, not willing to do or say anything to me. Like she expects me to try and convince her that she is wrong. I only want to plan as best I can. Just going to let her do her thing I guess. What's the worst that can happen? Not much more than right now really.

I thought long and hard this week-end about our marriage. Been watching the video's on the website and just thinking back to the last 12 years with her. Even though we have only been married for 3 years, it feels like a lot longer than that. Yet, there are problems on both sides of this marriage. Things that I never realized she was doing, just as I have realized I have and have not been doing. And all those things are what have brought us here.

Just as I have come to realize just how much the A really hurt me. I had no idea how deeply it dug into my heart and my head. I love so deeply I tried to make myself let it go before I ever talked about it. And in trying to kid myself into thinking it wasn't as bad as it really was to me, I was doing some serious LB's without ever knowing why. I just wish there was a way for me to convey that to her, but she won't. At this point, I only wish to say my peace, let her know....even if we do get divorced because she is "too far beyond" loving me.

That's my thoughts, just kinda keeping up with writing, seems to help a bit to get it out. I've had some time to talk to friends and family a bit. Every time I talk to one of them they all say I did nothing wrong. Just like the wife says it wasn't the affair that is making her want to divorce.

So, I know I need to eliminate all LB's as best as possible. It may never work to bring something back from her, but at least it will help the living under the same roof.

Here's to keeping my head up.

-Crestfallen32

Are you sure your friend really has your interests at heart?

She claims your w has been confiding in her. Perhaps you are being fed what your w wants you to hear. A seemingly sympathetic insider telling you there's no hope.

Seems pretty convenient that your wife's friend is offering you such advice.

Listen for factual intel you can check out independently. But keep in mind you may be being played by your wive's buddy.

Quote

Are you sure your friend really has your interests at heart?

Exactly what I was thinking. I would wonder why a "friend" who knew all the time what your wife was thinking and doing wouldn't warn you? Is this "friend" male or female?

The laundry thing just proves how childish a WS can be.

It's funny you two ask about this friend. I believe that this friend is more of a friend to me than to my WW. Both my friend and her husband have stated they would rather not have met my WW. In fact, I think the only reason, whether right or wrong, my friend never told me was because she had no idea how. Maybe it's a woman thing? I have no idea. Do I trust everything my friend is telling me? Yes and no. But at least I'm hearing about all the these things finally.

Case in point. This is not the first time my WW has had an affair. Or in her eyes, cheated on me. I don't think she gets what an affair really is. Either way, the more I think about it, the closer I am coming to not ever wanting to work things out. What's the point really? She's "cheated" on me at least 3 times over the years. Not sure about the other 2, but one was for sure since we have been married. How many more are there that no one knows about?

WW says to me awhile ago how she doesn't want to lie to me. Yet, it keeps happening. I snoop, I find somethings out...she goes off the deep end. Sure, I expected it. Sure, it's standard operating procedure for a WS. Yet, I can't shake the feeling that she will never be completely honest with me. She's said in so many words she doesn't feel she needs to change anything she does, and won't.

So there you have it. Yes I will be everything she will miss. God grant me the courage and conviction to stay sane. These next few weeks or months are going to be killer.

If only someone she knew would show her how bad it is, but that it can work. Through lots of work, granted, but it can be done. I started months ago, to very little progress. Yet, I was making progress. She expected me, and this is speculation, to just let it go. Become the perfect husband in a day, and let her go on with whatever she wanted. Yup, typical WW stuff right there.

I'm ok with it though. It took me some time, some serious soul searching, but here I am wondering just how to get her to calm down enough to work things through nicely. Maybe, just maybe if we can sit down and talk nice and thoughtfully, something will break in her? If not, who the loser in the end? Not me, by god. Sure, I'm hurt, I'm bruised, and I'm lost. But you know what? I see a light at the end there, just barely visible. And I am excited to see where it leads.

-Crestfallen32

I have questions to ask, but don't know how to phrase them.

I'm trying to hang in there. I really am. Time to start doing some things for myself. Pamper myself a little as Pepperband has suggested. Yet, it's kinda hard at the moment. I find it frustrating that when my WW comes home, she says hello to the dog, then straight to her room, shuts the door. She then only comes out to shower, and when I am busy/outside/going to bed/etc she makes herself something to eat or whatever.

Is that normal? I only ask, because of my frustration and not knowing if I am doing this correctly.

Take this morning, both getting up and ready for work. I make coffee for us both. She uses peanut butter in a protein shake and was out. Last time I went shopping I made sure to get some. Both of which she was reasonably "nice" in saying thanks you. Moved her car out of the way, then returned it to the drive way. Then started it before I left. Getting kinda cold up in the north. I know it's the little things that show care and respect. These things I do when the situation allows for it. Usually she was up before I was.

It made me feel kinda good about myself. So much so, I have a positive outlook for myself today. But it feels like she's just making nice to try and get something for herself. Am I reading that right?

Thanks for any input on this.

-Crestfallen32

An email I received today. Edited of course.

"I will tell you that you are not hated by the family. However, I am put out that you feel you need to contact family members regarding WW indescretion. WW is blood and I will always stand by her and support her. The issues that have put the two of you where you are now is not my business."

Feel...not sure how I feel at this point. I keep reading it, and everytime I do seem to read that it's all my fault we are where we are. I know, sure, I was a part of it...

So much for exposure with her family I guess.

They've been drinking her kool aid. Shake it off.

You seem prone to taking a ton of responsibility for what went wrong here. She committed adultery and now everyone knows. It's gross and they can't tell her, because no matter what happens to your marriage they are stuck with her for life (as family).

You've got to start healing the part of you that's so willing to carry her bad behavior on your shoulders. SHAKE IT OFF.

From what I've read and experienced, many folks will either not risk their neck, thereby staying on the sidelines, not saying anything. Others believe we each need to do what it takes to "make ourselves happy."

When I told my FIL and MIL about H's first infidelity 16 years ago, they found a way to blame it on me. It was more comfortable that telling their beloved only son he was screwing up. When he became depressed as a result (I believe) of the fallout from the infidelity, I was blamed for that as well. That's the way some people are, sadly.

You still did right by exposing it. There is likely to be someone who will put pressure on the affair, if they're smart and understand that a person isn't going to find "happiness" in being wayward.

Exposure is the first weapon in the arsenal. It often works, but even if no one speaks up, it's still a good tactic.

Just received a text from the WW. We are supposed to go see our marriage counselor tomorrow. Asked if I still wanted to go see her.

Me: Are you going to come?

Her: If you want me there.

Me: Why do you think I would not? I would like to work on us. Talk over some ideas.

Now I am waiting for a response to that...not sure if I will get one till later. Probably come back with something along the lines of "You just don't get it, I'm done. I dont' want to work on it anymore." Have to see.

Otherwise, how did I do?