There are a lot of states that have this "income differential".
The idea is to equalize the income between the parties so the children maintain the same standard of living.
It doesn't take into account the living arrangements or bills -- just the difference in income between the XH and XW.

FYI...

All states vary.
The length of a marriage and many other factors come into play.
A college degree does not mean she would be expected to get a job. She might still need additional training for a career. Etc.

The attorney would know this stuff. The various scenarios.

Though I think people should ask for their dream list in a separation or divorce, there has to be room for flexibility. You ask for more since that is a good start point. You have to be okay with various scenarios to not fear any. Fear is crippling. Let's release the fear.

Meanwhile, GJM, you plan A during all of this but you prepare to plan B should you need to and you probably will need to. Start writing a plan B letter to have ready to go for whenever. Follow the guideline of the letter in Surviving An Affair and post your version here for help editing. Have a couple possible intermediaries who would be good for being a go between for financial and child things. Know how to batten your hatches so WW would not be able to push her way into your space.

Plan B will not be to win her back. It will be for you when your Taker has had it and is hot to be nasty and lash out. It is a pause button for you to protect any good feelings left for her while she continues being wayward. No guarantees about her ever not being wayward but it gets you out of her drama in a healthier way than staying in it and dancing with the WW/OM.

No she doesn't have a degree. She makes 1100 per month. Her earning potential is higher though. She chose this job because she wanted to be a trainer. She just certified as a group fitness instructor.

I'm still in contact with OMW. She has been telling me what measures he's been taking to win her back. I've given her the tools to use as well as ideas of what to demand to make sure this type of thing doesn't happen to her again. It sucks because I've been helping her save her own marriage and mine is so far gone right now. I lead her to this web site any time things seem hopeless for her. She said the OMs unit is disbanding and he is getting orders to another duty station. It will help to know that he isn't in the picture, but I don't know if it will save my marriage.

GJM,

It sucks because I've been helping her save her own marriage and mine is so far gone right now.

That's commendable, you are improving yourself as a father, husband and human being at the same time your W is reducing her sum of qualities. I'm not sure I would have done what you are doing.

God Bless
Gamma

Thanks Gamma. Knowing that I've exhausted all means and doing everything in my power to save my marriage will give me peace in the end. I won't have 'what if' questions in regards to MY actions. I will always wonder why she has done or does what she does. Who knows, just because a divorce is final, doesn't mean you can't get back together some day.

It's not over yet, GJM. Your WW is just now getting a chance to taste life without you. It's not as sweet as it looks. Otherwise, she wouldn't keep coming over to see you. Hang in there.

Tell OMW about the books, etc. Then, I think that you should detach a bit. Let her know that you will continue to snoop for continued contact, and you will contact her if ever there is any, but barring that, you two don't need to communicate.

Thanks Zibbles. I haven't lost hope just yet. I went to my doctor today and he prescribed some AD for me. Zoloft. I'm not sure if I'm going to take it just yet. Is it possible for one person to save a marriage when the other feels too much damage has been done and thinks I'll hold it over her head?

One person can not save a marriage alone. One person can convince the reluctant spouse to give MB a try by following the plans.

It's hard to pull off a good Plan A, but it is well worth it. Grow in it.

I think the ADs are a good choice. I know that if I had to Plan A for longer than the 3 weeks I did, I would have gotten some. I should have gotten on some anyways, it was a rough few weeks.

I took Cymbalta for about 4 months. I didn't like how it made me feel though...so I weaned myself off.

I am sorry for your situation. I do feel your wife is a seriel cheater like my XWH was/is. He decided to destroy our life...I felt I had not choice but to divorce him.

Thanks SW...I fear that I may end up in a D as well. The road is leading that way, but am hopeful to be in recovery some day.

The first time I came here was June 2001...I should have done the program way back then...could have affair proofed my marriage. There's a lot of things I wish I could have done. SMH!

Six Months GJM - keep going with Plan A.

Six months it is. Thanks for the hope. I'm still going with Plan A.

Just a warning sort of note on Zoloft...when my H took it about 15 years ago, he became impotent. It's a rather common side effect of some of the ADs. He was able to wean off of it after nine months under his doctor's care, and it was a great relief for both of us.

He had a better outcome with Wellbutrin (buproprion.) His mood lifted within a couple of weeks with no sexual side effects at all.

Just in case, you know. Adultery is depressing enough....

Thanks 51CD30....ummm not sure what to say to that. I guess I can just take my vitamin B6 and fish oil pills.

Also, ask your physician why he prescribed Zoloft vs Wellbutrin.
Might be that he just knows there is more of that at the military pharmacy or something.

Well he did ask me if I know what has worked for me or not and decided to try Zoloft first. Maybe I will pick it up and then say it didn't work.

Hi GJM,

During my H's affair in 2004 I started on Zooloft. They start you with the lowest dosage, so if it doesn't work, ask if they can increase the dosage. I experience stomach pains at first.

Mine was diagnosed as a "situational" depression, however, my situation lasted for many years, thus so did the medication.

Good luck and I wouldn't lie to the doctor, just try it first.

ba