Ok, I am hyperventilating again. I just checked WH's cell phone records and it shows that yesterday he received a phone call from OW home land line. The call lasted about 30 minutes. This has never happened before -- she never had the audacity to call WH on his cell phone before. Now, that he is thoudand miles away, I guess they can't keep NC. I have not yet verified with OWH to check if perhaps it was he who called WH yesterday.

Interestingly enough, I received a phone call from OWH about one hour prior to the call to WH. OWH assured me that OW was claiming this was only a friendship and she was committed to the marriage. What do I do next?

Start by talking to OWH and see if it was him that called.

Do that first and see what he says.

Did you find this by looking at the cell records online or through a spyware program?

Cell phone records online. There is a one-day lag in the phone company's reporting.

Q. In my honest opinion, I think you should not mention this call to your WH. You have no proof who actually made the call. If you start questioning it, your WH will know how closely you are watching and go out and get a secret phone.

Lay low and slap some spyware on his phone and computer when he comes home for his 6 week stay. Put a VAR in his car.


Get the cold hard proof for OWH.

Deep breathes Q. You can do this.

Ok, I have been in contact with OWH. He asked me for WH's cell phone number so clearly he was not the one who made the phone call. I am just appalled how brazen WH and OW have become in continuing their A. WH never used his cell phone to communicate with her before and was hyper sensitive about making sure he did not use it when she was begging him to call her on Exposure day. She ultimately called his hotel room and I guess he must have provided his cell phone number so that she could call him when there was no landline available (i.e. at his father's home).

So, she is continuing to contact WH. WH is continuing to claim (he told this to his father) that she is leaving her husband for WH while OWH claims that she swore to him and her parents that this is purely a friendship, that WH is just an unhappy and obsessed prof. with some personal issues and she is just being supportive of him.

Good grief! To make matters worse, WH and DS are returning today home after spending time with his family, while I am still with mine. I won't be returning home until Tuesday. WH maintains that he doesn't want me at the house when he is staying there during the winter break from classes. Please provide me with an effective action plan on how to execute Plan A upon my return. Based on how I feel now, I am not sure if I can pull this off and play a nice and attractive wife to him.

Did you tell the OWH what your husband said? Does the OWH believe NOW that this is an affair?


Just treat this as a strategic plan, part of your battle plan to save your marriage. It won't be so tough to manage if you know you only have to have deal with it for 2 weeks. What is your plan to get him out of the house in 2 weeks if he refuses to leave?

Tell him you're disappointed that he doesn't want to spend time with his family, but you'll be in your home. Yeah, it's not quite what he's saying, but a little fog response may be in order.


If you're quickly wearing out, then Plan B may be in order.

I communicated to OWH about recent developments via text messages so it is kind of hard to gauge what his reaction is to the news that his wife is initating contacts with WH. His response was to ask for WH's cell phone number. May be previously, OW was communicating with WH at hotels via her landline, therefore her cell phone records showed no suspicious calls per what OWH told me. Maybe now he can check the landline records?

Is it long distance from her house to the hotel? This is great that their traveling arrangements are exposing their phone calls. The OW couldn't resist calling him on his cell phone. Would your FIL allow her to call his house?

I bet when they spoke, they cooked up a new method of contact. When you get home, search his car for a secret cell phone.

Thanks for the tip. I will be sure to search his car. What other things should I be doing when I return? I am concerned that the school might be taking to long to react to the letter exposing the A. Should I e-mail WH and OW a copy of the letter to scare them into stopping all contact?

No, I think it is best that they be SURPRISED by that letter when they come back. Otherwise that will give them time to cook up their story, about how you are a crazy psycho.

Q. Don't be discouraged here. Your WH and OW are playing to the script. I would have been surprised if OW had NOT contacted WH. Remember they are living in fantasy land with a cosmic connection.

You have the advantage because you have found MB and have a plan on how to kill this. They are flying blindly. NEVER reveal your strategy to the enemy...and right now they are the enemy. That will only drive it further underground and make it harder to discover if they are still in contact. You cannot "scare" them into changing their behaviour.

You have a good opportunity to install some spyware to keep an eye on them and also to do a stellar plan A while WH is home. Get ready for plan B. This shows WH the "reality" of losing his family. In Plan B, your WH will remember how good things were (plan A) and how lonely things are now.

You do not leave your home so that WH can spend time with DS over the holidays. That would not be showing WH any consequences for his choices and gives WH the impression that he can call the shots and walk all over you. Let WH know that you would like to spend this time together as a family (plan A).

Fight wisely. Hang in there. Things are starting to crumble in fantasy land.

Hi quovadis, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you are here.

When i found out thta my WW was having an afair i thought that my pain and emotional upset would be enough to stop it, turns out i was wrong. The afair just dimminished slightly then picked back up again and continued.When i found out for the second time, i exsposed it to his wife, but didn't have the courage to exspose it to my side of the family (wish i did)
All the best to you.

I have another update. OWH contacted WH several times both leaving voicemails and texts (like about 20 of them in a 24-hour) period. Obviously WH is not interested in speaking to him. So far OWH has made no contact with me so I have no idea with respect to what is happening on his home front.

WH has sent me an e-mail (I am still traveling and will return home and face him for the first time post exposure on Tuesday), in which he reiterated his desire that I either travel in December (while he is staying in the family home during the winter break) or he can make arrangements to stay elsewhere. He also provided plans how he intends to live elsewhere once the spring semester starts in January and during the summer break.

My plan is to try Plan A for a couple of weeks and shift to Plan B. I fear that once WH finds out that I have no plans to be evicted from our family home during the first two weeks of Dec., he will move out himself.

I am still not sure what is the status of the A. There has been no contact recorded by e-mail or phone after the 30-minute conversation that he had with her on Wednesday when she called him on his cell phone for the first time.

I would handle this right now, up front. You don't even want to get into a big confrontation with him in your home over a misunderstanding. That will cause much more damage than a lack of a Plan A. It is better for him to get another place NOW, and you Plan A while not living together.

I would respond with a Plan A letter, telling him you aren't going to leave while he is there. It is very much like a Plan B letter, but in it, you tell him that you love him, and would be willing to give him a chance to earn your forgiveness if he ended all contact with the OW, quit his job [you won't ever recover your marriage if he continues to travel there for his job] and commits to the Marriage Builders program. Tell him if he can't do those things, that you prefer he find another place to live before Christmas.

That way, you are giving him a chance to come back - ON YOUR TERMS - and if he doesn't, you can THEN go into Plan B after he has moved out.

Thanks, Melody! Your advice is always is so sound. My main problem with WH is that he prefers to stay in an extended-stay type hotel instead of a roommate kind of arrangement (which I prefer due to its lower cost). Him staying in a hotel on a monthly basis is going to kill us financially plus will provide him with anonymity to continue seeing or talking to (on the hotel phone) OW. How do I handle this? I am combing through ads now for roommates hoping to find something for him by mid December.

My Dear Bill,
I got your message about my leaving so you can come home for your Christmas break. I have thought about this long and hard and have decided I won�t be leaving. This is my home and you are my husband. I have no reason to leave.

I can hardly believe we have come to this place in our marriage. We loved each other so much at one time. I am deeply sorry for the things I have done that have contributed to this current state of unhappiness.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Joe�s wife once and for all and come home to live 100% of the time. I realize now how destructive living apart has been for our marriage.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

In order for that to happen, all contact with Joe�s wife has to end and we have to arrange our lifestyle so we are together every night. I would be willing to give this another chance if you can do that.

All my love, quovadis

quo, I would not try to control that AT ALL. He has to continue to support you and pay his bills if he leaves. Finding a place to live is entirely his responsibility. Don't do that for him!!

See, I think if you tell him up front that you won't be leaving, he will decide to come and stay anyway, giving you an opportunity to do a dynamite Plan A. Then if he won't end his affair and commit to the marriage, you can go into Plan B.

But if you tell him up front you won't leave, then there is nothing to fight about when he comes home. He will be there by choice with the understanding that you will stay.

All of this, Q. Every word. And mean it.