Normally I don't post on sites, but I need some good advice. Long story short...I married him about a year and a half ago. He keeps his cell phone and his computer locked. He will not give me administrative privileges so I don't have access to his computer. He keeps his phone close by at all times. He also has a walk in closet in our home that has a Schlage combination lock on it. He keeps his closet closed and locked at all times. I don't have access to any bills, including mortgage info for both of our homes. No info or access to bank accounts or his salary. His mail goes to his Post Office Box. If something happened to him, I wouldn't know where to start looking for business papers. Talking to him does no good. He will not let me in on anything. Lately, I am feeling like there is something going on with him that I really need to know. Two weeks ago he "hired" this random chick off the street to work as his assistant because he liked the way she sounded over the phone. He told a family member that he didn't know how I would "take" it because I hadn't seen her yet? According to him, she's 15 years younger than he is and she is not fat and she's not skinny. I found out he took her to lunch her first week at work and it just happened to be her birthday. He barely speaks to me at home and acts like he is not interested in being intimate. And yes, he even had nerve to ask me one morning if he smelled like cologne cause he "wasn't sure if he had put some on or not". I had never done this before, but the week she was supposed to be in training class I went by his job after hours. They were the only two in the office. She wasn't even supposed to be there if she was supposed to be in class at another site. I never got out of the car, but the minute I drove off, she flew out of the building, got in her car and drove off. Somehow, he knew I was there because he asked me if I was there. I said no. To make matters worse, I think he has a tracking device on my car. I think he snoops through my things too. I find myself not trusting him at all and don't know what to do. Yeah, I know trust is a big thing. But I'm not stupid, either. We have a 3 year old and I need answers. I'm in school and don't have money for a PI and I don't have a sitter to watch my child after hours. I don't have any friends nearby either. I don't feel truly, genuinly loved by him like I did at the beginning of our relationship 6 years ago. Again, I need answers. What should I do?

Are you legally married?

we are legally married.

He is treating you like a foe, by keeping this many secrets. You need to strap on a war helmet.

First off, he�s too vigilant for my liking, you need to get him to relax. Be happy, smiling, sing around the house. Invite him to do couple/family things as though you are expecting a yes, if he says no smile and go, �some other time, I love you honey� then kiss him on the cheek. Make home inviting. Great food. Make yourself look your best (tough when your heart is being minced, I know.)

Do consider a PI. It is still cheaper than a divorce. At least check out the costs, or see if someone is willing to loan you a few bucks.

If he�s tracking you? Let him. Make a point of telling him you are going somewhere very innocent, that will tie you up for the whole day. Then go where you say you are going. He�s bound to hook up with skanko that day, especially if he sees you keeping the plans you have told him about. Try to get a GPS on his car beforehand. Let this be the day you spend your cash on the PI, /plan to get a cab to where the APs are, or have a hired car ready to go. You should also try to find the tracker on your car and throw it out so you can follow him when you need to. It could also be on your phone.

VARs would be a good way of catching this one. He won�t be expecting it and prob talks freely in the house on the phone to her, or in his car. Put VARs in both.

Hugs! I know how hard this is. You sound strong though and it is about to get better.

If you don't have the money, you should put away some grocery money a couple of weeks or buy something at the supermarket and return it. Is he monitoring internet? If so, go to an internet cafe or library.
Also you should consult a lawyer on your financial rights. (first consultation may be free).

God bless,

Happyheart

No kidding.

There could be a keylogger on your computer. Check your antivirus program and see if there are files in the "exclusion" list. If you cannot find that, let us know what antivirus you are using and maybe we can help out.

Alternately, you could uninstall whatever antivirus is on there, install a new one and scan to see if it picks up anything.

Or just buy a cheapo laptop, put a good password on it and go from there.

It goes without saying that the lock on the closet, the P.O. box and the other things are a bit off. No telling what's in there...

The closet with the lock on it makes me wonder what is inside. Most closet doors open out, meaning the hinge pin is accessable when you are outside closet. If you know he will be gone for hours and are able to pull hinge pins( and it is not a deadbolt lock) you may be able to open door and see what is inside. You need to not leave any sign you were in there or he will change lock or move papers/evidence. If he thinks it is safe to use closet there may be more to dind later and he may make foolish mistakes. Does he go in the closet and close the door after himself? maye make cell phone calls "in private"? Maybe photocopies of finanial records or passwords may give you security if needed later Ie access to accounts if you need money for lawyer.

Thanks for responding everyone. I have been struggling with this internally and have no one to talk to about this. Sorry if I am not "up" on all the lingo used here, but I will learn eventually. I would like to add that I think he does check behind me on the laptop. I plan to buy another one soon b/c I will need it next semester. About the grocery money...here's a little more inside info to my complicated situation. He built "my" house in the country after he found out I was pregnant, but before we got married. House is in both of our names, but the mortgage is in his name only. I call it my house b/c he calls it my house. He built his house in the city about 2 years before mine. City house is in his name only. Both homes are located about 70 miles apart. Anyway, after we got married, we decided to keep both homes. Selling my home is not an option unless I am forced to do so one day. It is built on family land, deeded to me by my mother and surrounded by heir property. This is supposed to be our retirmement home according to him. I continued to live in my home for the 1st 6 months of marriage b/c the commute to and from work was just too far. I was already driving 1 hour in the opposite direction of my home, which would be a 2 hour drive from his home. There was just no way for us to be under one roof unless I quit my job and moved to his home in the city. Well, it's been almost a year now and I haven't found a decent job yet, but I am in school, so I'm not just twiddling my thumbs all day. Needless to say, he's the breadwinner businessman and controls everything. I have always worked since I was about 17 years old, so this is new for me, not having a regulary paycheck. It seems as if he changed on me and i don't know if it's b/c we (me and the baby) moved in or if it's b/c I'm not working. Anyway, I was living paycheck to paycheck and did not have any savings. 401K is all gone and now I have nothing. I was hoping to get a job way before now. In the meantime, he will give me just enough money to either buy a few groceries or put a few dollars in my gas tank...never enough to do both. I feel so trapped! Also, I don't feel comfortable leaving the baby with him either. That's another story. Last week, I contacted a PI and they charge 1500-2500 for 3 days. he is way too "aware" of his surroundings and I don't think 3 days is enough time. I need at least 3-4 weeks of observation. Oh another note, he's the nice guy and is always doing for others. Me, I've always had an attitude and always stood up for myself. So if something happens, people are looking at me and not him. Well, it's not me this time. He has most people fooled. He will do things and say things and then make everyone think I'm the bad guy. ie: he didn't like my brother dropping by so he tried to convince my family that I had a problem with it. He wanted me to talk to my brother about coming over. I told him no, he should be the one to do it if he has a problem with it. I don't think I should be put in a position to fall out with my brother. another ie: he lied and told someone that I said his new assistant must be his new "wh_re". I never said that or breathed a word about her to anyone including him. This is what made me suspicious in the first place. Is he guilty of something? Now, I have to deal with the fact that he sees this person that "i might have a problem with" every day. If he felt that way, why did he hire her? He is just so smug i can't stand it. What kind of marriage is this? I am just keeping my ears and eyes open and my mouth shut for now. I know I have jumped all over the place with this topic, but there is just so much more I can't put it all on here. Sorry for the long post.

The closet is also very strange to me.

Does he do drugs? Smoke marijuana? Could he be using it as a grow room?

That would also explain the secrecy with the cell phone.

Even if the answer to the above questions is no, then you still have a major issue with him isolating you from the better part of his life, even without the affair.

With the MB's tools and methods, it is still very difficult to recover from an affair. With his secrecy and walls he's put up (or always had), recovery will be that much more of a long shot.

Did he behave this way before you were married? It should have been a huge red flag that he wasn't willing to let you into many parts of his life.

Thanks for the advice. I have checked and the hinges are on the inside. Hmph! I thought about picking the lock, but then I googled and found out that it may be an electronic lock that alerts you when the door has been opened from the outside. the only way inside that closet is with a buzz saw...lol If i ever take that route, it will be the last thing I do once i make up my mind to leave and then it won't matter if he thinks i'm crazy...this situation is driving me to think crazy...lol

no drugs, legitimate business, he makes very good money.
does it sound like an affair to you? or am i just being paranoid? he said the girl hasn't worked in 2 years and when he asked her how she got by all this time, she told him she had saved her money. she just moved from another city about 800 plus miles away and came here to help take care of her father according to him. I did some investigating and found out that she had an apt not far from here for about 2 yrs. and the house that she lives in now is very close to the apt complex.

So you don't live together?

yes, we are under one roof now, but not the 1st 6 months of marriage b/c i was still working and we would be only be together on the weekends. we still have two homes.

funny thing is...he listens to a lot of talk radio and keeps the volume up in his car. he never uses the house phone for anything (to make or receive calls) unless he can't reach me on my cell. and when he watches tv...it's always loud. VAR battery would probably die trying to catch him in conversation. and if i did get anything, it might not be clear due to the volume of his radio/tv. i need an extra set of ears and eyes for this one...one that he won't suspect. again, i just don't have the funds for a PI.

Try the VAR. Stop saying it won't work unless you've tried it and it didn't.

Yes. If he is talking on the phone I'm sure he will turn down the radio/tv.

I have another question:

When you asked to have a key/combination to the closet, and to see the bills and have a key to the PO Box, what did he say?

A few more questions, please:

- When is the last time you were at the other house? Do you have your own set of keys you can use to get in there?

- Have you thoroughly checked your car for a GPS? Have you checked your cell phone for any strange apps? He could have installed a locator on your cell phone.

- Like everyone else, the locked cabinet is very suspicious. But even more suspicious is the chick he hired off the street to work for him. Doubtless, that is his affair partner. Do you know her full name? Are you friends with anyone at his job?

- The problem with checking for spyware on your computer is that, depending on the type of spyware, it may report to him that you checked for spyware! Can you get a cheap laptop (borrow one from school?) that he doesn't know about? Use the regular computer for 'normal' computer work, and use the cheap one for anything regarding his activities. (Are you using the suspect computer right now?)
- Have you run a credit check on him? On yourself? On your child?

Last question, and you can call me crazy : Have you asked to see what is inside that cabinet?

his explanation for locking the computer...he does all of his banking/bill paying etc on there and does not share that info with anyone. If i use his computer as a guest, i get fussed at if i leave it on by accident. he thinks a neighbor or hacker may be able to "tap" into it some kind of way??? also, he conducts some of his company business on there and it is private info that no one else should be able to access due to privacy law, blah blah blah. I finally "made" him cough up the mortgage info on the house that has my name on it. (this was about 3-4 months ago). Turns out....he has a lot of debt. Bills are getting paid, but the amount of credit card debt blew my mind. Six figures!!

I go to my other home at least once a week. I have not thoroughly checked my car YET. I try to keep my cell phone with me and I never download anything on it, so if there is something on it, i wouldn't know. The "cabinet" is his huge walk-in closet with all of his clothes, shoes, junk, etc in it. He goes in there in the morning to get his clothes and locks it behind him when he comes out. In the evenings, same thing...he takes his clothes off in there, changes and comes out, locking it behind him. He seems to know everything I do and say and when I leave, etc. without trying to make it too obvious that there may be hidden cameras around the house. Same at the other house. I looked in the attic at both houses and there is a ladder standing upright. There are cable wires, etc everywhere. To the average person, it may not look like anything. But to someone who lives with someone who acts fishy, it looks like something used for connecting cameras and such. About the girl...I say he hired her off the street b/c he says she called in for a "quote" one day and sounded (talked) pretty good over the phone so he asked her to come into the office and fill out paperwork. Something he could have done over the phone. The next thing I know she is working as his assistant...three or four weeks later. I have all of her info because he brought the quote sheet home and left it lying around (not like him at all). It was as if he wanted me to find it or he was so excited over this chick that he just got sloppy. I have her address, phone number, social security number, car info....everything. This is her 3rd week. I think he is fooling around with her, but can't prove it. To add insult to injury, she is on HIS payroll! He can pay her, but can't give me money for food!?? Now, I resent him every morning when he leaves and every evening when he comes home. I couldn't sleep one night and woke up and told him that something wasn't right and i suspect it has to do with her or someone else.