I don't know where to start. I was a Marriage Builder forum addict 10 years ago under a different user name. I am the BH. What I went through back then can only be described as the worst experience of my life, and the best thing that ever happened to me. It made me a better person and gave us a better marriage. Through the years I have obtained a near blind (ignorant) trust in my W.

Which leads to today. My WW has once again broken my heart with yet another A with, of all people, my best friend of 8 years.
I must stop for now as I am at work, will give complete story when I get home.
Thanks for any support.

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. I am very new here but I just wanted to send you some support.

senn, I'm so sorry this has happened to you again! Can you share your old posting name with us? It would help if we could read your previous post so we have an idea of your background.

So sorry to hear what you're going through I too know what it's like to have your wife betray you with your best friend. you've come to the right place you'll find lots support and help Here best of luck.

Marital bliss, I believe my name was senn or senn1 something like that.
Piecofme, Thanks, if your new hang out a while, there is lots to learn and this sight truly helps.
olmittens, thanks, I'll probably be here for a while, don't know still numb.
The history as short as possible; DD#1 07/2001 had suspected WW of an A for 5 years, tapped the phone, set the trap, and learned of A that happened 5 years prior. Found MB online became member lived on this sight. DD# 2 09/11/2001 WW finally came clean, found out there were multiple A's 5 years prior. I was crushed into the pit of hell, and did not know how I would survive. We quit our jobs, sold our house, and moved to PA and started a new life together. I could not stand being reminded of what happened living where the As happened. We worked on our marriage, Full recovery took 1.5-2 years. Married 15 years, 2 kids both teens.

I cannot say enough about the past 8 years. I have loved my W every day, and never thought she would ever put me through this again. We have had a very close relationship.

This brings us to my new story. We became very close friends with a couple shortly after we moved here. I can say my friend and I were the driving force in the close friendship we had with their family. They have two kids close in age to ours, and we had the exact same interest. My wife and his wife weren't as close but managed. We did everything together; I can only describe it as a once in a lifetime friendship, our kids actually call each other cousins. My W has always been closer to my friend than to his W. I understood this as his W didn't have the greatest personality.
This spring I got a call from an Aunt who was selling what can only be described as my dream house w/property and wanted it to stay in the family. I could not pass it up despite the fact that we weren't financially in a good position to purchase it. I killed myself working with the bank getting the financing to make it happen. We moved in etc. All the while my best friend was there for us, help with the move. Helped us prepare our old house to sell. There was piles of work and as he has always been a great friend, he without question was there every evening and weekend helping. During that time my W and friend became closer, noticeably but did not bother me as I truly trusted them both.

This bring me to October. I noticed my friend became distant and nearly stopped coming around. This didn't surprise me as his W was becoming quite irritated with him being here all the time. One day I asked my W if she had heard from my friends W. I got this him-haw story about how she is being a psycho. Well, I questioned the W and found out that my best friends W caught my W and her H playing footsie under the table when we were playing cards one night after I had gone to bed. I asked my friend about it, he said his wife was overreacting and it was only footsie. I got a phone call the following Sat. from friends W who said it appeared as if her H foot may have been in my W's crotch. I was a bit shocked. After I questioned them both, they swore that was it and it was his foot in my W's crotch etc.
Things didn't add up. I started to really question why it was such a big secrete and why there were so many inconsistencies in their stories. I questioned my W Monday nigh and knew she was lying. I came home from work last night and told W I am leaving her if she doesn't tell the whole truth, I learned they both performed oral sex on each other in the weeks prior to the footsie incident. I do not have doubt now, she put everything on the table, I called my friend and told him I know everything and he gave me the exact details my W had.

I am devastated, yet, not nearly as bad as last time.

Senn, are you going to divorce her? You do understand this is a way of life with her and this will be your future, right?

How many affairs has she had in your marriage?

Melody,
I cannot say what I will end up doing. I truly love my W and at this point want to try to work through this. Yes, I can honestly say I my be a fool for staying. I had to cut my intro story short to prevent it from turning into a book, but there is much more to this story than what you have read.
There is probably more in my mind at this time than just the marriage. Financially we would be ruined if we divorced, I just wiped out every asset we had buying a house we can barely afford, and am currently paying for utilities and taxes on a house that won't sell.

Your question on how many A's, I see it as two. The first was 15 years ago when a young kid got married too young went out and experienced what she thought she was missing. Today, no excuse.

You are facing much worse if she doesn't stop her serial cheating. As it is now, you are headed to divorce. Her serial adultery will destroy your marriage.

You said previously that there are "multiple affairs." I don't understand.

What is clear is that your wife learned nothing from the last one. This is all a big joke to her. A big joke that tears up 2 families. She has no empathy and apparently no boundaries around men. That has not changed since her last affair.

You do understand that your children will have to be told, right? They have to know all about what she did because they can no longer play with those kids.

Her affair should be exposed to everyone, your family members and close friends. The more people who know, the more to hold her accountable. The only way your marriage will make it is if she makes a radical 180 degree change.

I would demand that she take a polygraph because I don't believe they have not slept together. A woman who puts her foot on a man's crotch has slept with him. She is lying about that. Here is my post about what it will take to recover your marriage:

Getting married too young has nothing to do with adultery. What causes adultery is poor boundaries around members of the opposite sex. If your wife was old enough to get married, she was old enough to know better. She is not a child, after all. Treating her like a child does not help her take accountibility for her despicable, shameful behavior.

The fact is that she is a serial cheater and has not changed in all these years. Do you know if she slept with married men before you married her? I ask this because this is common with female serial cheaters.

C'mon Senn, this ain't your first rodeo.
They got their stories straight. They felt the heat, talked and collaborated, and produced an identical story that isn't ANYWHERE NEAR THE TRUTH.

Yes, she had 4 A's the first time. Believe me, when I first learned of the A's I did not consider it a single A. It was horrible to know what she did. I look back 15 years ago and know there was more than a young kid, I was there also a young kid, yet I didn't have an affair. Therefore, I do agree she made a choice to do what she did. I took two years of my life to explore and reflect on what happened early in our marriage. I can honestly say there is still a huge scar from what happened, but we did move on and got over what happened. The 4 As were all within a string of about 6 months. We were just starting out in life and going through tough times. No excuse for her, but I could give a long list of reasons or ideas that cause those affairs. At this point in my life I see it as a single A, no more than a single A for year with on OP. What I can say is memories fade with time and people do loose sight of what is important in their lives, probably the reason many people are at this sight.

As for the polygraph, don't think I need one. I had the same question how could they not have had sex. To be honest IMO sex is much less intimate than oral sex, why wouldn't she be honest at that point. I called the friend directly after the truth was told and told him nothing more than I knew everything. I questioned him on each item. Oral sex she gave you how many times, he answered correctly. Oral sex he performed on her how many times, he answered correctly, and finally how many times did you have sex, he said that never happened. They couldn't have put that together in some kind of preplanned "lets only come partially clean scheme".

Of course they could have. Your WW has had experience gaslighting you, hasn't she?

From your last few posts, I get the impression that you're trying to gaslight yourself into staying in an M with someone who might be fun to be around, but simply isn't M material.

I can give you a short list: she has poor boundaries around men and is not committed to your marriage.

Unfortunately, your marriage never recovered from the FIRST affair, Senn. That is why I say that this is your future unless she makes a radical change. I assure you that she is not telling you the full truth about this affair and I would wager there are more affairs. These 6 affairs are just the ones you know about.


They had plenty of time to concoct their story. They both knew his wife was getting ready to blow it up. The story doesn't sound plausible and there is no reason to believe it.

I would schedule a polygraph and tell her 2 days ahead of time that she has one chance to come clean before the test and hand her a list of questions, but that she had better pass the test. I would ask her about other affairs on your list because I bet there are many more.

Additionally, I would demand that she get STD testing and would strongly suggest you do too. I will be shocked if she is STD free.

SIX AFFAIRS, my good friend. SIX affairs.

You all could be right. I may still have the blinders on. I cannot say it enough, I was blindsided due to my complete faith in what I thought had turned into the perfect marriage with just a blemish in what seemed like a distant past. I can say as of right now I am taking a more logical approach to this, as apposed to last time I was an emotional wreck at best.

You are correct, this isn't my first rodeo. I agree with everyone's assessment of the facts, they had oral sex, why would they stop there. Only an idiot would believe that, if it were coming only from one person. IF you were going to conspire and come up with a story to shut me up would you come up with that? This hurts way worse than a singe sexual encounter. Oral sex is up close and personal IMO. There is also the inexplicable ability to know when my W is lying. I knew years ago, and that drove me for five years to get to the bottom of it, and I eventually did. I knew she was lying this time and that is what drove me to the truth. I can honestly say there wasn't a doubt when she told me. Logically I had the why would it stop there, but in my heart I knew she was being honest. This was the first time I have felt that way.

I am a believer in the truth, without it a person cannot possibly make the right decision as to where he should continue the rest of his life. I may be a fool, however, my heart has always been right in detecting my W's lies, It led me to the truth last time and I have no doubt it has led me to the truth this time.

Yep, disturbing, five affairs- not that that sounds much better.

I must say, you folks are much harder than the bunch that was here 10 years ago.

What little you all know about my life and my marriage, you can easily be judgmental.
What I have endured in my life makes me who I am. Not many people would have gone through the hell I did and try to continue with the marriage. I don't see myself as a doormat or an idiot, I see myself as someone who knew what he wanted in life, and to date I wouldn't change a thing. I know these things my W has done are disgusting and inexcusable, however, at this time I still love her and would like to continue and try to salvage what part of my life that makes me happy. Am I a fool, perhaps.

Because they don't want others to know they were retarded enough to have unprotected sex. It is a common lie. He doesn't want his wife to say "OMG, YOU HAD UNPROTECTED SEX WITH THAT HO?" They both exposed their spouses to STDs and don't want you to know. And I would be surprised if your wife doesn't have STDs.


You have been fooled ALOT over the years, my friend. This affair happened right under your nose. So did the other SIX. She lied for FIVE YEARS before and has been lying about this recent affair for quite some time. And probably numerous other affairs. I am sorry, but that is pretty gullible. I would face the fact that you do not have a working BS detector.

Even so, if she is telling the truth, she will probably be able to pass a polygraph so what is the problem?


I would suggest that your "heart" is very driven by emotions that desperately WANT to believe your wife. I would point out that your wife has successfully lied to you for most of your marriage so you are not the best judge of when she is lying or not. You are also the LEAST objective person on this thread.

He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, But he who walks wisely will be delivered. Proverbs 28:26

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? Jeremiah 17:9

The difference is that the board is now focused on saving marriages from affairs. When you were here 10 years ago, it was a chat forum with no plan. The problem is that some posters actually found out about Marriage Builders and saved their marriages using those concepts. We try to help others do the same thing.

Then I'm not quite sure what you're looking for, senn. You're saying your WW makes you happy. You wouldn't change a thing.

What can we help you with?

Waywards conspire, senn. Do you understand that?

Another reason they may be lying is because they don't want his wife to know that they had sex. That might be a dealbreaker for HER, regardless of how much or how little it might bother you.