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Hello all,
I just found a handful of nude photos my fiance has of his late wife who died 14 yrs ago. He and I have been together for nearly 10yrs and I'm really upset that he feels a need to keep such things -- not exactly a suitable memento for passing on to one's children?? He is intent on keeping them which makes me feel extremely disrespected.
Am I overreacting?
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Joined: Oct 2011
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She is no threat to you.
That said, he needs to respect your feelings as well. Use POJA to work it out.
Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
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I think you are perfectly in your right at this point to decide whether you would want to marry a man who keeps nude photos of other women (even deceased ones).
You are engaged, not married. I would have serious second thoughts about someone who refused to consider my feelings on something like this. A photo collection from the time they were dating/married kept as mementos to pass down to their children? No problem! As Can said, she is no threat to you. But nude photos is a very personal memento collection, and he should be gazing at NOBODY nude except you. Or he fails the marriageability test.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Hello all,
I just found a handful of nude photos my fiance has of his late wife who died 14 yrs ago. He and I have been together for nearly 10yrs and I'm really upset that he feels a need to keep such things -- not exactly a suitable memento for passing on to one's children?? He is intent on keeping them which makes me feel extremely disrespected.
Am I overreacting? secondthoughts, even though you are not married now, the important thing to me would be if he plans on getting rid of the pictures if you get married. If the answer is no, I probably would not marry him because that is a clear indicator that he won't be considering your feelings in the future.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hello all,
I just found a handful of nude photos my fiance has of his late wife who died 14 yrs ago. He and I have been together for nearly 10yrs and I'm really upset that he feels a need to keep such things -- not exactly a suitable memento for passing on to one's children?? He is intent on keeping them which makes me feel extremely disrespected.
Am I overreacting? Are you living together? In line with what is being discussed concerning his lack of care in your feelings; it there is strong indicator he will not work out as a married man. See here, living together before marriage
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I assume he lost his wife while still married to her.
Then saving mementos.....this is a gray area to me.
Not a porn collection
Not a collections of past girl friends
Photos of the woman he loved and cherished that died to young on him.
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I am thinking like TheRoad here.
I understand feeling you want to be everything to him...it is a gray area for sure though.
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I am thinking like TheRoad here.
I understand feeling you want to be everything to him...it is a gray area for sure though. Yes. I would be more concerned with the fact that they have been dating for TEN years.
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There is no gray area in whether or not your future spouse will adjust to accommodate your feelings, though. They either will, or won't.
This guy says he won't.
I think this is valuable information to have before the wedding.
Have ya'll set a date?
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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There is no gray area in whether or not your future spouse will adjust to accommodate your feelings, though. They either will, or won't.
This guy says he won't.
I think this is valuable information to have before the wedding. CWMI is right. This is not a gray area at all. Just read up on the POJA. The issue is not whether or not he has a "right" to keep the stuff. He has a right to do whatever he wants in that regard. What matters is if her happiness means anything to him. If it makes her unhappy, which it obviously will, then that is a violation of the POJA. [if they are married, that is] If a man won't comply with the POJA then he is not marriage material and the marriage won't last long. What matters here is what makes HER happy, not anyone else. It might not bother me that my future husband kept pictures of his dead wife, but that is irrelevant. What is relevant is that it bothers HER. And since it bothers HER, it is a lovebank withdrawal.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hello all,
I just found a handful of nude photos my fiance has of his late wife who died 14 yrs ago. He and I have been together for nearly 10yrs and I'm really upset that he feels a need to keep such things -- not exactly a suitable memento for passing on to one's children?? He is intent on keeping them which makes me feel extremely disrespected.
Am I overreacting? Does he know you've found them? Tell him. If he refuses to destroy them I would reconsider marrying him. He has a woman in his head who isn't you if he's refusing to destroy those photos.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Smiling Woman hit the nail on the head....they've been together for 10 years and aren't married yet. This man is not over his deceased wife. He is emotionally unavailable.
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There is no gray area in whether or not your future spouse will adjust to accommodate your feelings, though. They either will, or won't.
This guy says he won't.
I think this is valuable information to have before the wedding. CWMI is right. This is not a gray area at all. Just read up on the POJA. The issue is not whether or not he has a "right" to keep the stuff. He has a right to do whatever he wants in that regard. What matters is if her happiness means anything to him. If it makes her unhappy, which it obviously will, then that is a violation of the POJA. [if they are married, that is] If a man won't comply with the POJA then he is not marriage material and the marriage won't last long. What matters here is what makes HER happy, not anyone else. It might not bother me that my future husband kept pictures of his dead wife, but that is irrelevant. What is relevant is that it bothers HER. And since it bothers HER, it is a lovebank withdrawal. I thought POJA had to be done where there is an enthusiastic joint agreement. (did melody err) I still don't see saving these photos as wrong. Having them is different then looking at them constantly. I do see a problem dating for ten years and not getting married. I know a couple he's early 80's she early 70's. They spouses died relatively young. They met in their 40's and 30's. Blended families, don't remember if they had any COM between them. They both mention their other spouses fondly, lovingly. You go into their home and on the wall is their original wedding photos side by side. They don't exhibit any jealousy of past spouses. And take pride in each other's memory and honor that he and she fell towards their past spouses.
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Wedding photos and nekkid pictures are two very different things.
Like Mel was saying, this bothers HER, so it should not be done. Lack of enthusiastic agreement from both of them means they GO.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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[
I thought POJA had to be done where there is an enthusiastic joint agreement.
(did melody err)
I still don't see saving these photos as wrong. Having them is different then looking at them constantly. You have been here long enough to know better [4 years!] and I am not taking the time to explain to a board member who is too lazy to read the books himself. Read the book and then you come back and tell us why you are wrong. If you don't understand the POJA, then you have no business posting to newcomers. I don't have time or inclination to educate YOU in addition to a newcomer.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I thought POJA had to be done where there is an enthusiastic joint agreement.
(did melody err)
I still don't see saving these photos as wrong. Having them is different then looking at them constantly. It gets a little tricky when it comes to the question of "Shall we get rid of something?" The question is "Are we enthusiastic about keeping this?" Negotiation should continue until they have a solution they are both enthusiastic about. Since they are unmarried, my guess is it's not worth that kind of effort in this case. It's an offense to her and should not continue, if he wants to keep her.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi,and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died . . . I'm married to his bleepin' widow." This is what I thought of reading this thread. If you are to be married, the pics have to go. It is creating a contrast effect. Memories are meant to fade. They're designed that way for a reason. - Angela Bassett, Strange Days When he looks at these photos, it allows him to reconstruct those memories of his late wife, and specifically their intimate encounters, more fully. But, memories are not perfect. They are reconstructed with the information (sights, smells, sounds, feelings) that we currently have. Holding on to these photos, he is holding on to impossible memories. Of course, you can't tell him this. But, you can tell him that if you are to marry, they have to go.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Okay, this is a little touchy for me.
(And no, I don't have any nude photos of my husband)
I have found being widowed completely different from divorce. I don't have a ton of photos of Mike up--only 3, and whether they'd be displayed permenantly would be up for negotiation. Whether I could keep them or not, would not be up for negotiation. Anyone who had a problem that I loved, and in a way still love, my late husband, wouldn't be right for me, no matter how much I love the new man. And I want to be able to look at photos at some point and remember those times. Currently, I don't need photos to remember. I suspect that it would be easier for me to date a widower rather than someone who is divorced.
In other words, I think if the original poster makes a big issue about destroying the photos, she may lose the man. That begs the real question which is what kind of relationship is it? To be dating for ten years! My guess is the photos are just the straw breaking the camel's back. My guess is that the man just isn't that committed to the OP, but likes the easy companionship. And that is so unfair to the poster.
Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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Whether I could keep them or not, would not be up for negotiation. And that is the point. If anything is not up for negotiation in marriage, then that person is probably not a good marriage prospect since they refuse to use the policy of joint agreement. Dr Harley has stated that the willingness to use the POJA is the greatest indicator of future success in a marriage. A potential marriage partner who WON'T use the POJA is NOT a good choice and should be passed up. In other words, I think if the original poster makes a big issue about destroying the photos, she may lose the man. That Which would be to her benefit if that were the case, of course. If the man wouldn't negotiate a satisfactory agreement with her, then he is not a good choice.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[quote=Greengables]Whether I could keep them or not, would not be up for negotiation. And that is the point. If anything is not up for negotiation in marriage, then that person is probably not a good prospect since they refuse to use the policy of joint agreement. Dr Harley has stated that the willingness to use the POJA is the greatest indicator of future success in a marriage. A potential marriage partner who WON'T use the POJA is NOT a good choice and should be passed up. In other words, I think if the original poster makes a big issue about destroying the photos, she may lose the man. That Problem with POJA is that agreements need to be voluntary and enthusiastically agreed to. There are things that people can not agree on. Forcing someone to reach an agreement is not a good way to negoiate. Having old photos, whether nude or not, saved away, is different then using them for solo SF when in a new relationship. These are mementos of a deceased spouse. Not an Ex. Thing is this woman wants to buy and she has not been able to close the deal because she refused to see this guy only wants to rent. Ten years, and she has not gotten the hint. Photos are getting the blame. Photos are keeping them apart all this time? I don't think so.
Last edited by TheRoad; 12/01/11 07:43 AM.
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