I can see where your points are, I agree with your assessment of the situation based off of what you know.
You must understand the whole picture here, and I don't think you do.

"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."

"The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."

While most affairs die a natural death in less than two years, there are some that take much longer to die. That's one of the primary reasons that my first rule in surviving an affair is to never see or talk to the lover again -- even if the affair seems to have died a natural death. An affair can rekindle after it seems to be over. And to guarantee complete separation between the unfaithful spouse and the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken, such as providing radical accountability and transparency. In many cases, I've encouraged couples I've counseled to change jobs or even move to another state to help create permanent separation.

Another suggestion I make to a couple struggling to restore their marriage after one of them had an affair is to make the affair public. Everyone should know what happened -- children, relatives, friends, and especially the children and spouse of the lover -- so that the affair is exposed to the light of day. What often makes affairs appealing is that it is done in secret. Most affairs become very unappealing once everyone knows about it.

So whether an affair is a one night stand, or has been going on for years, the basic rule for ending them are the same -- extraordinary precautions to guarantee permanent separation. But I will admit that the precautions used for long-term affairs are usually more extraordinary than those used for short-term affairs. I've helped many spouses overcome affairs that have lasted over ten years, but none of them have been easy.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Melody,
I appreciate what you have to say despite getting a little pi55ed off. This is helping the heartache. Did you know JDMack and Faith, they were big posters back then.

The boards were set up differently back then, more choice on the affair side. Some boards were more geared toward discussion than working on marriage, however what I saw was usually positive and helpful discussion.

I cannot disagree, we will have to start over and maintain these concepts throughout our lives if we are even able to continue the marriage. As for now, I cannot see walking away, this is only day one and this might change.

I'm going to be honest, I haven't done this forum thing in a while and haven't been looking to see who was posting. I thought I was getting hammered by multiple people and have been having a conversation with mostly you.
I can see where your points are, I agree with your assessment of the situation based off of what you know.
You must understand the whole picture here, and I don't think you do.

I do want advise, however, I do not want to hear a crowd below chanting jump, that will be my decision as to how I will continue with my life. I do not want to hear snap shot judgments based off of the number of affairs.

I cannot deny I have a strong urge to try to work this out despite knowing the cold truth of the matter and knowing odds are it will happen again. She does know what it did to me. We changed our lives, quit good jobs, sold our house and moved across the country because of this.

Yes, she had 4 A's the first time.

As for the polygraph, don't think I need one. I had the same question how could they not have had sex. To be honest IMO sex is much less intimate than oral sex, why wouldn't she be honest at that point. I called the friend directly after the truth was told and told him nothing more than I knew everything. I questioned him on each item. Oral sex she gave you how many times, he answered correctly. Oral sex he performed on her how many times, he answered correctly, and finally how many times did you have sex, he said that never happened. They couldn't have put that together in some kind of preplanned "lets only come partially clean scheme".