Oh, dear. No wonder.

senn, MB was a very different place then, as we've said. No wonder you came back, expecting to get advice like this, from a poster who responded to you back then:


Thank God we've gotten past the navel-gazing of days gone by.

Oh, I would do it now, Senn! Dr. Harley talks to men and women in crisis every week.

He's your surest bet, IMO. I might be a little biased, but that's just because he's been helping me straighten out my own marital crises for quite a while, now.

Senn, you're in a terrible bind here in part because of being financially over-extended. Preserving the marriage is important in large part due to the financial destruction that will happen if recovery fails. I feel for you!

It was terrible financial strain that caused my own marriage to weaken and led me to an EA. Not making excuses here. I behaved badly and I am making amends.

Financial strain is no joke. It was a poster called Confused and Torn that got me to start posting here. She was unwilling to make her WH quit his job, even though his crazy POSOW was waiting there every day for him, hoping to reignite the affair.

Confused was unwilling to see that she needed to radically alter her life in order to recover her marriage. She disappeared when posters kept insisting that she take drastic action that might lead to temporary financial strain.

You love your wife and you've worked hard to recover in the past but you can't blame the posters here for urging to you consider ending this. She cheated with your best friend, right under your nose AFTER having cheated multiple times early in your marriage.

It's horrifying to think that she never really changed, grew or learned how to be a faithful partner to you. Here you are, building this dream with her and she's off messing around with your best friend and playing footsie right in front of his wife? Pretty brazen behavior.

The posters here have your best interest in mind but financial destruction is often intertwined with affairs. It can contribute to conditions that lead to affairs and affairs often wreak havoc financially, especially when it leads to divorce.. One thing is for sure. You need to get tough with your wayward. What she's done here is beyond unacceptable. It's horrific.

If you're to have a chance to recover, take the steps that are being recommended to you. Expose the affair to everyone who might have an influence over her. Get a polygraph. You need to know the scope of what you're dealing with. No contact for life between you and the other couple/family. Put EP's in place and do everything in your power to enforce them.

Hard work but what's the alternative?

I also want to add that financial devastation is hard but it can be overcome. I was forced into making a lot of changes (selling our home, moving to another town, downsizing). It worked out amazingly well in the end. The changes though forced have gotten my family back on even ground.

That's why Confused and Torn was so frustrating for me. She was not willing to let go of what she saw as security or safety while her marriage was rotting before her very eyes.

Try not to let the fear of the financial devastation keep you from taking real action now. You have nothing to lose. SERIOUSLY.

\

The frustrating thing is they don't see that they are worse off in the LONG TERM if the WS doesn't get out of such a job. Financial devastation is almost ASSURED with divorce. And working with a POSOP is sure fire way to end up divorced.

YES!

Zibbles,

I was in the midst of typing my farewell letter, as bliss' has taken her last jab, when my computer failed and I read your post.

I must say, your post are much more empathetic than others. I know it is easy to stand outside and look in without putting much thought into what another person is going through, and just preach your values. You just came in and sat down and actually understood where I am coming from, thank you.

Another tid-bit of my OVERALL problem, The house and acreage I acquired Was my Grandparents home, my Grandfather built half of this house by hand. It has been in the family for 45 years. I was the only grandchild/family member interested that could afford it. I would have never gone so far out on a limb to acquire it had it not had that value to it. If it were sold outside of my family, it would never come back on the market again in my lifetime. I cannot say yet if it will be worth salvaging, but I must try.

Don't go Senn! You can and will find help here.

Not only did your wife and best friend betray you but your dream and goal of keeping this wonderful property in the family is in total jeopardy. I can only imagine the depths of despair you feel when you think about everything you're on the cusp of losing. You WILL lose it all if you don't take hard action NOW.

You've got to get control back from your wayward. It's time for serious, focused, hard action. Staying with her because you love her AND she'll help you keep the family property will lead to an insane amount of pain. It's okay to know that part of your motivation is this property, just don't let that fact keep you from doing what needs to be done to recover.

Life is funny and miracles happen. You might not see it now but perhaps there's a way to keep the property no matter what happens with the marriage. If that idea helps you feel stronger, than hold on to it.

I don't know if you've mentioned it yet but is she remorseful at all? Is she willing to do whatever it takes to recover including a polygraph and no contact for life?

She needs to be on her hands and knees right now, begging for forgiveness. Anything less is a total affront to you, your children and the dreams you have together.

I am sending you strength. Keep listening and get with a plan. It's your only shot at saving this.

There's no need to be defensive here. Everyone wants to HELP.

Ditto, Senn. Get Dr. Harley on your case, and use whatever he suggests as the center of your strategy. Then you can filter out what the rest of us say based on if it supports or opposes his professional opinion.

Senn --

If you want to save your marriage -- we are all about helping you do so!

The tools are here.

First of all -- is the affair over? Is your wife remorseful and willing to repair the damage she has caused? Can you cut ties with this "other family" forever?

The good news is you are both already familiar with this program, have already successfully implemented it, and I think you just need to refresh and commit to not letting it "slide" again.

Is your wife onboard?

No jabs from me, senn. I'm just telling it straight.

I agree too. Haven't posted yet, but wanted to relay this to you:

I went back and read a substantial number of posts from that time. Seems like there was a lot of support, but not a whole lot of specific MB advice.

I just want to encourage you to stay... Why? Because the board has changed... Probably for the better. It's less "wild west" in the opinions flying around. It is serious MB stuff. The board has grown, changed and matured in many ways, and while you came back to the "same board", it is a different one. It is much more focused on the application of the principles.

Brother, as a fellow BH, my heart is with you. Please understand that no one here is jumping on you. Everyone here wants you to succeed. And you can too. whether it be D or restoring your M. BUT... only if you are on board with the plan.

Are you with us buddy?

Well I can't agree more, zibble. I have said it before, we had a great marriage after the last recovery. I am partly to blame for this A, as I saw my former best friend as closer than a brother and appreciated and even encouraged my W to be close to him. I felt safe with both of them. He knew my/our history with this and still did what he did. I threw her to a wolf.

She has been crying nonstop, almost disturbing. I have hammered her over and over about the truth, she is not wavering and is consistent with the details. For a WW she is not the best liar.

I did tell her we are going to do a polygraph, she agreed. I explained that if there is more she had better put it out as I will not except last minute confessions. I fully intend to go through with it.

If you haven't, you might read our DD post from 2011 on the bottom of page 4 of this thread, it does give some insight on how she did give me the whole truth back then.

I appreciate your help, I was ready to bail due to the cookie cutter, by-the-books type jamming this down my throat.

Thank everyone. I am still here.

Bliss, Look at your post @ the top of page 5, what part of that wasn't a jab, or was that helpful?

Glad that she's remorseful. I agree with the posters above. Contact the Harley's directly. You have a complicated situation. Don't NOT do it because of cost. A divorce/foreclosure/etc is very expensive.

And by the way...not everyone likes my style of posting.

You have some of the best veterans on the site wanting to help you out. Don't be put off by their style. They care, more than you'll ever know.

It takes all kinds and we hear things differently from different people. Don't waste time here engaging with certain posters about the way/tone/energy they communicate with.

Everyone here wants you to succeed and heal. You've just been hit by a mack truck. Don't let the hurt you're feeling bleed into the relationships you're forming here for support and help.

senn, my post was to underscore the difference in the MB culture then vs. now. I was furious on your behalf when I read your thread! No one had any concrete words for you, there was no solid direction given to you. It was a lot of warm fuzzy crap like "hug each other a lot". What I saw was a lot of posters giving you the old "gee, I'm sorry to hear that SEM" and then immediately making it all about their situation. That's what I was talking about in another post, when I said there was a lot of commiserating back then, but little in the way of rebuilding a marriage.

I saw nothing about addressing EPs, I saw zero reference to any tools that would affair-proof your M going forward. That's my point - you were given NO tools to help you.

So yeah, I guess I WAS jabbing - at the old MB culture. I'm glad to see it gone!

Bliss,

I know you are here to help, I may have come off a little bull headed, and appoligize. I am at DD#3 +2 days, what I would call rock bottom, today is worse than yesterday. I am looking for a bit of encouragement. In a week or two when I am not numb, then jump all over me for being a dumba55. People using and interjecting their own experience to encourage others is what support groups are all about. If I want the book read to me I can by the book on CD.

NOW who's the cranky one?

Senn, I think I see your goal. You want someone to pat you on the hand and say "there, there". That will kind of thin out the herd as far as the responses you're going to get. There are too many people coming here who are looking for help, not commiseration. They are serious and willing to do the work. Those are the posters who will be getting the responses and the help.

Last words, and then I'll leave you alone: definitely get the book and read it.