Thanks HerPapaBear. I saw the counsellor today and we talked about this. One of her concerns is that the children don't even have a grasp of romantic relationships and therefore would not understand the depth of the betrayal.
Uhm...yes they do grasp a romantic relationship. And they grasp that a marriage is to be exclusive. They understand this INTUITIVELY.
And whoever said they need to understand the depth of the betrayal? I don't understand why your counselor would say that. it is irrelevant whether the understand just how deeply you have been hurt. That is not the reason for telling them. The reason for telling them is because it is the right thing to do. They deserve to know why their family is crumbling.
She says that she has worked with families for 20 years and about age 16 is the youngest that she has seen children understand this kind of issue and been able to deal with this revelation.
Well, my 6-year-old understood quite clearly that daddy having a girlfriend is unacceptable and that daddy needed to stop that if he wanted to continue living with mommy.
My 8-year-old understood it just fine, too.
So did my 11, 13, and 17 year olds.
She may have worked with families for 20 years, but that doesn't mean she is right--or that she has been successful.
Common sense dictates that leaving children to guess what is happening would be emotionally more traumatic than them know that daddy is committing adultery.
I understand what you mean by the horror of my children finding out from someone else and yes, that concerns me. But I haven't lied to them and pretended that this isn't a serious issue.
If your children were to find out at school by another student or teacher or so forth (which has happened many times to children), do you think they would actually not feel lied to by you?
Imagine the shock and humiliation a child goes through when they learn of their parent's affair at school or some other public place.
I was determined to protect my kids from that! I would be the one to tell them. I would not leave them to be teased and mocked by their peers. They would be equipped with the truth and would never be blindsided! Who else could tell your children in a more loving way than you, what has happened to their family?
I have just said that it is an adult issue.
But is it NOT just an adult issue. Your children are intimately affected by your husband's choices. As much as you want to remove them from this, you cannot not. So...equip them.
I have reinforced to them that it is sinful and they understand that. They know the pastor and elder are involved and they respect them both and this has, I am sure, helped them recognize the seriousness of the issue.
I'm sure that knowing the pastor and elder are involved only adds to their fears and worries.
And I would feel betrayed if my parents shared this information with other adults but never bothered to tell me the truth.
I am not trying to be stubborn. But I am honestly concerned about the necessity of the details.
They don't need the details. All they need is, "Daddy has a girlfriend. It hurts me deeply. It is a sin. I cannot live with Daddy if he is not willing to stop his adulterous relationship."
And if they hear it from someone and come to me, then yes, I would talk about it.
You assume they will come to you. It is quite possible they will keep it to themselves and carry this burden alone, isolated.
Telling my children opened up our communication. There were many teaching moments I had with them only because they knew the truth.
Really, it is weighing two evils here - for me it feels like a lose lose situation.
No it is not. Telling the truth is not evil.
It is not a lose-lose. Your husband has put your family in a position of losing. Yes. But telling them why they are losing is not adding to the "loss". It is just explaining it.
Either I tell them and overwhelm the with these adult details or someone potentially says something and I confirm it. Both seem bad.
Are you really that out of touch with how much ridicule and teasing take place at school? It isn't just a matter of oh, someone may tell my child. It could be a situation where someone says, "Oooohhh, your daddy dumped your mom and left you because he's got a new girl." Or worse.
Maybe it won't go like that. But I cannot fathom why a mother would ever leave their child open for such a possibility.
And as I have explained previously, telling them daddy has a girlfriend is not overwhelming them with details.
My daughter said to me "did Daddy leave because he told you to shut up?"
She WANTS to understand why. Yet you left her in the dark still.
That is how innocent they are.
Trust me. My kids were AT LEAST AS innocent as yours.
I said, "honey, people do not ask their husband to move out because he used bad language. It is only done for very very serious sinful situations. In the hope that Daddy will ask God to forgive him and he will turn from his sinful ways."
I'm sorry, but this is completely inadequate.
This situation is between my husband and I.
No, it is not. Your children are intimately affected by this situation and you do them a great disservice dismissing them as being a part of this "situation".
No, it is a family issue.
The FAMILY is being destroyed, not just the marriage.
It is disrespectful to your children to say it is none of their business--which is basically what you are saying.
I don't understand how it become a father child issue.
It is not a father-child issue.
It is a FAMILY issue.
And I can tell you, I have learned some pretty personal information about people over the years through inappropriate disclosure or gossip and I have a hard time separating those people from that information... and I am an adult.
Yes, but we aren't talking about sharing personal information with joe-shmoe down the street. We are talking about THEIR FATHER and THEIR FAMILY and WHAT IS HAPPENING to their lives!
I can only imagine what it would do to a young child.
I have discussed this topic with my children before. I have told them that some people think it is wrong to tell the children.
My kids' responses? With shock in their eyes, they all said the same thing, "How could it have been wrong to tell us what was happening to us?"
They also told me they would have been angry if I had withheld this information and they later found out.
It was completely inconceivable to them that there were parents who would not tell the children about an affair.
Anyway - all that to say, unless God really lays it on my heart that they should know, I feel I need to protect them from it.
Well, maybe God is using me (and others) to speak truth to you.
I think you are kidding yourself by thinking you are protecting them. I believe you are harming them by leaving them to muffle their confused minds through all the possible "bad things". I think that is cruel and much more stressful to them than just saying, "Look kids, Daddy has a girlfriend and that is not OK when you are married."
