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SP,

I can absolutely 100% guarantee that telling children the truth about an adulterous parent does not destroy them. I can also absolutely 100% guarantee that children CAN understand what adultery means.

The reason I say this is because I DID tell my children�all of them�from the ages of 6-17. The information did not destroy a single one of my children. In fact, just the opposite. It empowered them because now they were operating from a place of truth. Nowhere, absolutely nowhere, will you find lying supported in Scripture.

And yes, withholding such critical information about their family IS lying.

If you want your children to trust you and be able to count on you, then you have to be brave enough to be honest with them.

No, it is not easy.

Yes, you will see their pain as they process this information.

But the result is that they will know that they can finally COUNT ON SOMEONE!

Right now you are leaving them in the dark pit of confusion. THAT is a very scary place. You have left them to imagine all kinds of things. That is unfair, and I even believe it is cruel. You have left them to guess what this sin their dad is committing might be. They are guessing about just what sin is big enough to destroy a family.

It is time to educate them. Help them understand by telling them why their family is being destroyed. Leaving them guessing will cause a great deal more emotional stress as they struggle to figure out how this could be happening and why.

The unknowns cause stress to all of us. Children are no different. Remove the unknowns so your children don�t waste any more emotional energy guessing and imagining.





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Here�s how I exposed to my children. First, I did it individually with each child so that I could focus on that particular child and comfort them. My parents came over and occupied the other children and I took each one to a room where we could have some privacy.

Depending on their ages, how I said it varied a bit. For the younger ones, I said something like this:

�Your daddy has a girlfriend and that is not OK when you are married. This has hurt mommy deeply and that is why you sometimes see me crying. Daddy has chosen to continue having a girlfriend. Mommy will not live like that so I have told Daddy he must move out until he stops doing this.� I then told them that I still love their daddy very much and that I want our marriage, but that Daddy is going to have to be the kind of husband God intended. I told them that Daddy was so lost in his sin right now that he could not see how much he was hurting any of us but that one day he would see it and that he would be devastated.

Because I was honest with them, we were able to pray for Daddy and for our family. They knew WHAT to pray because they knew what had attacked their family.

Do not kid yourself. This IS a spiritual battle. And Satan wants to take down more than just your husband. I promise you that. You must fight this battle with the full armor of God�and that includes the belt of truth. Speak truth to your children.





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Originally Posted by Sweet_Potato
And honestly - telling my kids the details would destroy them.


Children can handle the truth much better than they can handle the confusion of not knowing and being left to wonder.



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The MC suggested I say (when I asked him to move out in July) "Daddy has issues he need to deal with and he needs to deal with them outside the house."

I think your counselor is very misguided and is giving you poor advice. Daddy does not have "issues". Daddy is having an adulterous affair. Issues implies that he has some emotional trauma and needs help to overcome it. That is a lie.


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They know that Daddy has not worked on the issues and today I told them that I found out he has done the "bad thing" again.

Oh my gosh!!! That "BAD THING"??!!

Seriously???!!!

How many "bad things" race through their minds as they try t guess which one it might be?

How is that any less harmful than just telling them, "Daddy has a girlfriend?"





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They are angry with him.

But you see, because they don't know what to be angry about, they will get all twisted up inside with these feelings. AND your WH is left with the power to twist them up even more. AND I guarantee you, HE WILL.

Waywards are very good at twisting their children up inside. That is another reason why children should be empowered with TRUTH. So when the wayward starts babbling all his foggy bull to the children about why the marriage is falling apart, they will have the foundation of truth that you provided to them. And they will be able to DISCERN his babble.




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My daughter says "I just want to tell him when I see him tomorrow night how mad I am." I said "you should". She then said "if I do, he will be so angry that you told me and that won't be good for your relationship."


Do you hear what your daughter is saying? She is afraid that she may do the wrong thing and cause the marriage to end.

THAT IS UNDUE EMOTIONAL DISTRESS being placed on your daughter. If she knew the truth, she would completely understand that the destruction of her family is not on her shoulders. It's on the one who refuses to live like a married man and father.



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Oh goodness - it's like I am burdening this innocent child with heavy parenting garbage. Isn't that enough?


No, it is not like you are burdening her with heavy parenting garbage! You cannot remove your children from this equation. THEY ARE INTIMATELY AFFECTED, whether they know about the adultery or not. Right now they carry the burden of not having a freaking clue what the heck has happened to their family.


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Does she actually need to know that Daddy has a girlfriend?


Yes.

She has the right to be informed about why her foundational security of a loving intact family is being ripped out from underneath her.

Last edited by sexymamabear; 12/03/11 12:11 AM.

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Originally Posted by Sweet_Potato
Thanks HerPapaBear. I saw the counsellor today and we talked about this. One of her concerns is that the children don't even have a grasp of romantic relationships and therefore would not understand the depth of the betrayal.


Uhm...yes they do grasp a romantic relationship. And they grasp that a marriage is to be exclusive. They understand this INTUITIVELY.

And whoever said they need to understand the depth of the betrayal? I don't understand why your counselor would say that. it is irrelevant whether the understand just how deeply you have been hurt. That is not the reason for telling them. The reason for telling them is because it is the right thing to do. They deserve to know why their family is crumbling.





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She says that she has worked with families for 20 years and about age 16 is the youngest that she has seen children understand this kind of issue and been able to deal with this revelation.


Well, my 6-year-old understood quite clearly that daddy having a girlfriend is unacceptable and that daddy needed to stop that if he wanted to continue living with mommy.

My 8-year-old understood it just fine, too.

So did my 11, 13, and 17 year olds.

She may have worked with families for 20 years, but that doesn't mean she is right--or that she has been successful.

Common sense dictates that leaving children to guess what is happening would be emotionally more traumatic than them know that daddy is committing adultery.




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I understand what you mean by the horror of my children finding out from someone else and yes, that concerns me. But I haven't lied to them and pretended that this isn't a serious issue.

If your children were to find out at school by another student or teacher or so forth (which has happened many times to children), do you think they would actually not feel lied to by you?

Imagine the shock and humiliation a child goes through when they learn of their parent's affair at school or some other public place.

I was determined to protect my kids from that! I would be the one to tell them. I would not leave them to be teased and mocked by their peers. They would be equipped with the truth and would never be blindsided! Who else could tell your children in a more loving way than you, what has happened to their family?



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I have just said that it is an adult issue.

But is it NOT just an adult issue. Your children are intimately affected by your husband's choices. As much as you want to remove them from this, you cannot not. So...equip them.




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I have reinforced to them that it is sinful and they understand that. They know the pastor and elder are involved and they respect them both and this has, I am sure, helped them recognize the seriousness of the issue.

I'm sure that knowing the pastor and elder are involved only adds to their fears and worries.

And I would feel betrayed if my parents shared this information with other adults but never bothered to tell me the truth.




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I am not trying to be stubborn. But I am honestly concerned about the necessity of the details.

They don't need the details. All they need is, "Daddy has a girlfriend. It hurts me deeply. It is a sin. I cannot live with Daddy if he is not willing to stop his adulterous relationship."



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And if they hear it from someone and come to me, then yes, I would talk about it.

You assume they will come to you. It is quite possible they will keep it to themselves and carry this burden alone, isolated.

Telling my children opened up our communication. There were many teaching moments I had with them only because they knew the truth.




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Really, it is weighing two evils here - for me it feels like a lose lose situation.

No it is not. Telling the truth is not evil.

It is not a lose-lose. Your husband has put your family in a position of losing. Yes. But telling them why they are losing is not adding to the "loss". It is just explaining it.





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Either I tell them and overwhelm the with these adult details or someone potentially says something and I confirm it. Both seem bad.

Are you really that out of touch with how much ridicule and teasing take place at school? It isn't just a matter of oh, someone may tell my child. It could be a situation where someone says, "Oooohhh, your daddy dumped your mom and left you because he's got a new girl." Or worse.

Maybe it won't go like that. But I cannot fathom why a mother would ever leave their child open for such a possibility.

And as I have explained previously, telling them daddy has a girlfriend is not overwhelming them with details.





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My daughter said to me "did Daddy leave because he told you to shut up?"

She WANTS to understand why. Yet you left her in the dark still.



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That is how innocent they are.


Trust me. My kids were AT LEAST AS innocent as yours.





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I said, "honey, people do not ask their husband to move out because he used bad language. It is only done for very very serious sinful situations. In the hope that Daddy will ask God to forgive him and he will turn from his sinful ways."


I'm sorry, but this is completely inadequate.


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This situation is between my husband and I.

No, it is not. Your children are intimately affected by this situation and you do them a great disservice dismissing them as being a part of this "situation".


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This is a marital issue.


No, it is a family issue.

The FAMILY is being destroyed, not just the marriage.

It is disrespectful to your children to say it is none of their business--which is basically what you are saying.



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I don't understand how it become a father child issue.

It is not a father-child issue.

It is a FAMILY issue.




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And I can tell you, I have learned some pretty personal information about people over the years through inappropriate disclosure or gossip and I have a hard time separating those people from that information... and I am an adult.

Yes, but we aren't talking about sharing personal information with joe-shmoe down the street. We are talking about THEIR FATHER and THEIR FAMILY and WHAT IS HAPPENING to their lives!



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I can only imagine what it would do to a young child.


I have discussed this topic with my children before. I have told them that some people think it is wrong to tell the children.

My kids' responses? With shock in their eyes, they all said the same thing, "How could it have been wrong to tell us what was happening to us?"

They also told me they would have been angry if I had withheld this information and they later found out.

It was completely inconceivable to them that there were parents who would not tell the children about an affair.



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Anyway - all that to say, unless God really lays it on my heart that they should know, I feel I need to protect them from it.


Well, maybe God is using me (and others) to speak truth to you.

I think you are kidding yourself by thinking you are protecting them. I believe you are harming them by leaving them to muffle their confused minds through all the possible "bad things". I think that is cruel and much more stressful to them than just saying, "Look kids, Daddy has a girlfriend and that is not OK when you are married."






Last edited by sexymamabear; 12/03/11 12:17 AM.

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SP,

I know it's hard to hear the stuff being posted to you. I remember how I felt when I was being told to do things that were stretching me beyond what I thought I could handle.

Please don't feel attacked by the posts on your thread. Everyone posting to you cares about you and the battle your family is enduring.

I will be praying that God gives you clear vision and strength.

{{{{{{{{Sweet Potato}}}}}}}



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Originally Posted by sexymamabear
Here�s how I exposed to my children. First, I did it individually with each child so that I could focus on that particular child and comfort them. My parents came over and occupied the other children and I took each one to a room where we could have some privacy.

Depending on their ages, how I said it varied a bit. For the younger ones, I said something like this:

�Your daddy has a girlfriend and that is not OK when you are married. This has hurt mommy deeply and that is why you sometimes see me crying. Daddy has chosen to continue having a girlfriend. Mommy will not live like that so I have told Daddy he must move out until he stops doing this.� I then told them that I still love their daddy very much and that I want our marriage, but that Daddy is going to have to be the kind of husband God intended. I told them that Daddy was so lost in his sin right now that he could not see how much he was hurting any of us but that one day he would see it and that he would be devastated.

Because I was honest with them, we were able to pray for Daddy and for our family. They knew WHAT to pray because they knew what had attacked their family.

Do not kid yourself. This IS a spiritual battle. And Satan wants to take down more than just your husband. I promise you that. You must fight this battle with the full armor of God�and that includes the belt of truth. Speak truth to your children.

awesome post. Thanks!

CV


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Hi SP,

I hope you're still around. I hope it has gotten easier to say 'Dad has a girlfriend' rather than making out he is some sort of mysterious evil that has no name.

I hope your children are no longer being taught to hide unpleasant things. Which they know you clearly are.

Thinking of you all.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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