Game face is right. Do not fall into any traps and lose your temper. A good phrase to remember if you get to angry is 'Hmm....let me think on that and get back to you.'

The good news is, through all this pain and everything that has happened, I have kept calm. I don't engage in arguments. It probably frustrates WW that I don't argue, but I think about my kids. That's enough for me.

Ok meeting didn't go well. Now she wants alimony and my retirement. She said she would split the bills. Custody will stay the same. Now I'm trying to figure out what I need to do. I think I'm going to fight for all out custody. I need a lawyer that I can't even afford...ugh!

That is her attempt to punish you for daring to continue to expose her affair. Don't back down. Maybe SHE needs to fear losing her children.

Don't discuss divorce with her.
Have her file any papers and you find someone to represent you. How?
You can't afford it but perhaps you can call around to speak to several attorneys to get advice and how to have good representation to protect yourself in a financially savvy way.
Just do not discuss splits with her.

In plan A, parent with her. Offer to implement practical other issues with her. Be kind but don't discuss divorce.

No good will come of it. When she wants to discuss it say "I won't discuss it. I don't want a divorce." Nothing else no matter what she says now.

Prepare for a plan B if you can't bear it any more. Find an intermediary.

Unfortunately I may not have a choice here. She's become so evil that I may have to take action and just leave her behind to protect the children. She obviously isn't thinking about them. I was so wrapped up in trying to fix my marriage. All I have is them and they deserve better than what she can provide.

Get ready to go to plan B then, that's what its for.
To protect you, the kids, the potential for a future marriage from a whacked out wayward.

Now she wants alimony and my retirement.

Yup, and she's likely to get roughly 50% of everything the "married couple" have access to. You're in California, where reportedly even the MALE judges ovulate, so there is really no hope. You're screwed. Oh, well.....

All of that is out of your hands, except........one of you (if this really does go to D) will likely agree to too much in the final settlement as a matter of moving the glaciar-like pace forward. Do not let it be you. Time is on your side, my friend. Do as much Plan A as your gut can stand, until she files papers. Then, fight and resist every bloody step of the way. Do not give her $0.01 without being compelled to. Let her stew in her 1-BR hovel. On days when the children stay with her, charge her for your time to get them to school. (Earlier I referenced Wake Island, Marine. In the entirety of WWII ONE amphibious landing was pushed back into the sea. Keep Maj. Devereux's command in mind going forward.)
Wake Island Defense

I just want to interject here that, based on the many, many BH/WW threads I've been following, the BH is usually in a better position if they file FIRST and thereafter control the pace of the D. From what I've seen, it's hardly ever a good idea to cede this advantage to an active WW. Waiting around to see what the WW comes up with next is usually never a good idea.

States vary

in CA, once someone files, the clock ticks for six months.

Whoever files is able to rescind the action during it. Not sure, again how that helps a BS. Then they have to wake up each day longing to rescind since they don't want one.

If she is anything like my WH, the kids will never be a priority again because they are part of you. I have been trying to figure this out myself. The only thing I can come up with is the wayward doesn't want to parent anymore because they cannot connect. Since they no longer love the spouse, they cannot feel for their kids either.

It is truly a sad part of adultery. The kids are left behind because

1) The kids get in the way of the affair
2) The adultery partner doesn't want the kids
3) The adultery partner has their own kids and doesn't want the "other kids"

A complete travesty that makes no sense EVER!

Next time she talks divorce, tell her, "I won't talk about any of that. You want to talk about that, then deal with my lawyer. I'll only discuss how we put our marriage back together."

If she presses, then walk out.

I talked to my attorney...seems like I just keep getting drug through the mud. WW is only looking at dollar signs. I'm concerned about my kids. EVERY lawyer/attorney says I should work things out as much as possible about child custody. They recommend mediation. I want my kids to have stability. They're fighting a lot at her place. It's so small. I can file a motion to show cause, but it may backfire. There isn't enough free info out there that gives me confidence I can win this battle.

What I would do.

If you get into the legal arena, suggest nothing like mediation but be willing to do it if suggested.
Be willing to ask for the moon as a start point custody wise. Ask for full and know you probably won't get it but it 'doesn't hurt to ask' for any item.
If your attorney says 50/50 is the norm, tell them you request they ask the moon and let things shake from there.
No angry outbursts. Prep for whatever internally and be okay with any outcome so as to not be working from a place of fear.

Now, if she files for D respond but do not react.

Think
passive resistance.

It is a valuable strategy in many things in life.

If you haven't read the Art of War lately or ever.....let it be one of your new things to do during time alone. It is an excellent read!

I'd agree with this as well.

His WW seems to be teetering on the edge and is liable to drag everyone else down with her. Put her on the defensive, make her respond, make her worry about keeping the kids.

GJM- you don't want to be in a position where she's getting a restraining order against you for some trumped up domestic violence thing. It's happened before, so be careful and keep a VAR on you every single solitary time that you speak with your WW>

I've seen some material online that claims to help dads win custody. Of course it costs money. I really don't want a divorce, but if I just sit back and wait, I could lose more than I bargain for. She's planning something and setting me up. For now, I'll collect information. I have time, but I don't want to be on the defensive. WW keeps inflicting more and more damage. I don't feel like her heart is anywhere in the marriage.

Go out and get a book called "Father's Rights."

This is a very tough situation. On one end, you need to try to save your marriage. On the other end you need to protect your rights as a father and protect your children.

It will cost you money. There is no way around that.

The way to do this is to file first and control the pace. You ask for everything, to include spousal support and you file on the grounds of adultery and abandonment.

Your L will tell you that those things don�t matter. Do it anyways. File it under mental cruelty if necessary.

99% of this battle is psychological. Getting served with legal papers demanding everything under the sun (which you won�t get) is a MASSIVE wake up call to a WW.

If she comes to you and asks how you could do such a thing, you can always tell her that you have no desire to do so and want to save your marriage and work on that. If she tries to talk about legal stuff, you tell her you can�t do that and that only your lawyer can.

That book will walk you through the process of a D and a custody fight.

You WILL be ordered to mediation. You WILL be encouraged to settle out of court.

Fathers who win custody are the ones who don�t just lie down but who fight and show the court that they are good men and good parents.

So you need to get ready.

Tell her that the only way you�ll settle and end this is if she gives you primary custody and she pays alimony. Otherwise, you�re not agreeing to anything.

The objective here is to not let her have the fantasy that this will all be a pleasant thing where the two of you are splendid friends after the D.

Get the best legal advice you can. Dr H says BSs need to secure their money, protect themselves legally and get ADs if necessary to help them through. Those are the first jobs.

I wish I had seen a lawyer sooner, after I was reeling from DDay. It can only help to know the best course of action.

Why not see a few of the best rated family lawyers in your area? Here in the UK the first half hour is free, so you can get a sense of the general advice for your sitch....Not sure if the same where you are?

Do you know if it has strategies?

They offer an hour of free advice. So far they've all said the same things that I've already mentioned. It seems like a lot of time wasted. I hope to find someone that is more aggressive.